Wednesday, August 4, 2021


Pauly Shore: i want to address the rumor that everyone hates me. since this is the MTV Films movie that put the studio back on the map again after my fall from grace. i'm a cool guy, don't read the papers i don't. i have a dog named Buster who gives me tough love when i step outta line. i want to be a human father, too, i got inspired by Anderson Cooper. i've had a lifelong spat with my brother Scott but it's really quite sad, Mitz Mom would have hated to see her two son comedy legends at odds like this, like Diana and William and Harry and Meghan. she's rolling in her grave. sure my bro Scott stole my sperm for my fatherhood but he was trying to get away from the Fremont Street Experience, three huge-titted nuns were chasing after him into the Vegas desert, the only way he escaped was by sleeping under a cactus through the cold night pretending to be a Spirit Wolf but really just wearing a Wile E Coyote cosplay costume. Squidward is in my band, that dude plays a mean clarinet. actually the meanness of his clarinet is in direct correlation to the meanness in Squidward. my dad had Elvis's secret lovechild, wish he had me. i was the last person to see Robin Williams do a standup routine clean.........lot of dad jokes in that one...

Cotard: there's something the workers have you will never have. makes the workers warriors. something invisible in them.
Codrus: covid? snicker snicker.
Cotard: no but you're close. think of the Snickers bar. Snickers bars rotating on a spit under glass......
Elvis: just how i like em.

Ryan Gosling: wait the Soviet Union is still a thing in the future?

Fryingpan River: as a weapon. here for the strategy. here for the revolution. not here for the cooking.
Doryce: you can cook WITH water but not IN water.

Gladyce: it was a subliminal thing when i was wrapping the old sandwiches in aluminum foil. where did that come from? where did i get that from? turns out their bottoms were already wrapped in aluminum foil.
Doryce: sounds like a good night for me. my bottoms wear tinfoil hats so as to make me feel comfortable with them.

Gladyce: there's no kite emoji? coulda sworn there was a kite emoji.
Doryce: just use the diamond emoji, honey.

Robin Williams: you hold up the Triforce as you would the Holy Communion Wafer.

Doryce: am i supposed to be tasting the turbinado sugar-in-the-raw? cos i'm not tasting it in my coffee. i was promised a more pleasurable raw experience.

Dirg: rugby is caveman football.
Mardith: that women's rugby team will literally pound you to death.

Madame Pons: new LUSH shoppe opening up in England called Bath Stone.

Candace Cameron: back in the day books used to be thin. it's not religion unless you're in flames. inside. the hockey team.
LeVar Burton: reading is FUNdamental. why did i only get one week?

Dirg: ADMIT IT, CHALAMET!!! all Tieflings look like you!

Bill Gates: grey divorce is so sad.

Tyzik: there are so many worlds in the world.

Doryce: i got antibacterial soap and now i feel like i'm at a hospital. CHOMP. i do not like this feeling.

Gladyce: where have all the tiny forks gone?
Paula Cole: ...
Doryce: all used to get the English muffin out from the toaster.

Rubikon: it's been "The Final Season" of The Walking Dead for the past 10 years...

Posy Simmonds: not a florist with Janet.

Dirg: in porn i like when it's just the cock front and center, i don't need to be seeing the face behind the cock, keep the cock anonymous.

Douvres: Peace.

Dirg: no one's gonna shell out $45 for your picture of a starfish!!!!!
Patrick: my mom will...
Patrick's mom: you will PAY, Dirg!

Michael Weiss in Luffy's gardening hat: have you noticed? everyone on Instagram is gardening now. Instagram is preparing us for virtual reality when we won't be able to tell anymore what's a picture and what's in our mind. and the homemade gardening prepares us for when all the stores disappear.

Cynthia Potter: i have one of those voices. i taught Sterling Holloway all he knows.
Dante Basco: still not as unique as my voice.

the Canadian Olympic team: I Am Batman.

Kenyatta: just pencil in Jennifer Hudson for the Oscar next year...

B. Proud: i'm not gay.

Caeleb Dressel: i look like Nirvana.

Tom Daley: you know why i'm so dang cute? i'm really a kangaroo.

Ebenezer Scrooge: i screwed up my neck but it was worth it to see the grey seagulls flying against the cascading gales.

Emily Geller Hardman: no jokes about my name at this time. please. opera is serious business.

Dr Oz: did you see me in Food Wars?

archer: i cut my hair short with an arrow, can you do that?
Mary Pierce: ...

Gladyce: Dor be sure to mind the fish flakes in Mardith's trash can.

Atalan: poetry has suddenly made a resurgence on Instagram in the 2020s after being dead for 100 years???!!!

Madame Pons: i volunteer myself to spend eternity in Hell for all the chickens i've ever eaten.
Laertus's dad: boneless KFC didn't exist in the '80s. KFC Hot Sauce didn't exist back then either.

Boc: i like the archery but the bowstring tickles my nose.

Andy Milonakis: sorry about all the youtube celebrities, it was only supposed to be me.

Elena Dementieva: can you help me with my serve?
Jean-Paul Sartre: i can't see it.

Dirg: got my new Forever Magazine.
Takahashi: did you at least get the issue that has Lucille Ball's one and only sci-fi novella?
Laertus: Taka i got your Yashahime shorts, you are uniquely qualified to read them in your shorts.
Takahashi: on it, i mean in it. 
cat familiars: we did NOT watch Episode 6!!!!!

Dirg: nothing more annoying on Instagram than people promoting their new book.

Chungking Express: more like Dunkin Express. after careful analysis i am an allegory for all those who run through a city in search of a good coffee.

Gladyce: the disco soap adds to the Requiem For A Dream lighting in our bathroom.

Mardith: why is it that when your internet friends have kids that necessarily means you never speak to them again?

Boc: the hose had a mind of its own, it bucked like a bronco, slashing my face up and down with water cuts. the nozzle was angry that day my friends, the head turned on me and spit in my mouth.

Boc: remember, after a good lawning you forget that you watered yourself so check your hair for bugs.

Boc: i forgot i was wearing shoes and got them all wet. 
Mick Jagger: nah, your shoes needed to be washed anyway.

Bencic: Roger, wanna see my gold medal?

Clint Eastwood: i'm a porch dick.

Keanu Reeves: i know nothing about female Filipino weightlifters.

Summer 1993: the female My Life As A Dog
Carla Simon: i quite like Warren Beatty actually.

Jonah Hill: keeping a low profile these days. selling sex wax in Manhattan Beach.

Bill Plympton: my character has a big head, thinks he's President.

Gladyce: you can't fill the empty Listerine bottle with water from the bathroom-sink faucet, the bottle's too big!!!
Mardith: put the thin used bar of Irish Spring soap in my trash to mask the scent of the rotting oranges so rotting they're gigantic balls of laundry lint.........that's what i do anyway.
Doryce: that soap is a spearhead.

Tom & Jerry: our theme song is the same as the Three Stooges theme song.
Qiwu: Three Stooges, a very compelling show.

Doris Kearns Goodwin: i was that nurse on ER...

Pearl from Steven Universe: i'm named after pearl sugar.

Dale Carnegie: i never thought the influencers i would inspire would be YOUTUBE INFLUENCERS!!!!!

James Gunn: for my next project i'm doing a G-rated Akira.

the Australian Olympic team: blame the food. the paper in our diaries was too soft like cushy beary toilet paper. look, rugby is a stressful sport. we didn't trash the Olympic Village, it was the roos. kangaroos swim faster than boats. is all forgiven if we knit Tom Daley a coupla more kangaroo pouches?
Ron Popeil: if you had stuck with me you would never have had half-pasta. but it's too late now.

Dirg: look, Dragon Quest is still a good game, okay?

Robin Wilson: i could play Robin Williams's son.

Dirg: bitcoin bitches got me all up in the asylum. Instagram Live has become the police state, everybody checking up on everybody making sure they're PC.
Laertus: sad society we live in when the apple orchard has to block the comments section on facebook.

Anderson Cooper: so how ya doing?
Kathy Griffin: oh so NOW you call to check up on me.........
Anderson: please. we must reconcile NOW. before it's too late, i don't want another brother...
Kathy: blood feud? my blood is sick.

Pothos: not photos. despite almost photos, no nudity involved. no Lust. just houseplants.
Boc: i have some in my shorts.

Celine: if it's not grosgrain, i'm not wearing the cuban hat. i have a list of favorite bands.

Peyton Manning: i'm creepily drawn to Uzumaki.
Dirg: try being a mangaka drawer, pal.

Susan Sarandon: divorced not dead, amirite? i'd like to have a travel companion, a partner to eat salsa with.........even though i could literally have anyone i want.
Geena Davis: female okay?
Susan: yep, let's do this, babe.
Geena: i'll get the 1967 Roadrunner.
Gina: ...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Eye Luggage: i'll take this one. there exists in the whole world but one long pink cigarette......

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Faye: the H on top of the parkour roof doesn't stand for Hospital, it stands for Hong Kong...

Eye Luggage: Pink Skies Ahead and go.
Kelly Oxford: i'll take it from here...

Kelly Oxford: i mean let's face it, there's a cloud of melancholy around this whole thing. not just my film, my life. mostly my life. like i'm this ridiculously gorgeous lengthy babe but it still didn't work out for me and now i wear librarian glasses. ladies, never let your man have your phone.........for a whole host of reasons. i started out where i was gonna be a writer of homemade domesticity up in an Ontario cave. happy homemaker with the apron and wolf cubs who are literally wolf cubs. but then i moved to Hollywood and became Chelsea Handler. my writing started to get more acerbic and witty i.e. well no just me without the filter, how it should have been from the start, my real feelings. but it was always the writing. the writing the writing the writing i was always a writer, the WRITING saved my life. I came up with the Celebrity Mean Tweets thing but of course Jimmy Kimmel got the credit. my life is the real Say Anything.

Chelsea Handler: i didn't do Cuomo.
Jada live at Red Circle Table: cuomosexual, that lasted a month. word entanglements are easier to get out of than entanglements.

Jessica Barden: am in fact related to Shakespeare. it's the end of the fucking world as we know it but i don't know for sure that it's the end so i feel fine, i'm not anxious at all, i exude confidence in my private life. i have a weird mouth but i'm still a babe. weird guppy Muppet mouth. i will NEVER get plastic surgery this is how Goddess made me. oh who are we all fucking kidding? we can never compete with Skins!!! i'm what a normal hot girl would be like out there in real-life society, i don't have the insane tits and i'm a little too underweight skinny for my own good. i'm a cool chick in the world. cool as a cucumber.

Jesse Heiman: all makeup, i'm really hot. you know me, i was that guy in Spun, did the Smashing Pumpkins video, ate some Super Bowl Dorito crumbs off a model's back, did Mask Live in the park, was in that Bowie Reznor sideproject that is still locked up in a vault in New Orleans, never saw the light of day, not even Dracula saw it fleeing from Rick and Morty. 

Marcia Gay Harden: i play Mom. in everything.
Catherine Keener: ...

Michael McKean: this is as close as i come to playing straight.

Henry Winkler: i won't sell you life insurance on tv...

Odeya Rush: not that blonde girl from that puppet show on Disney XD.

Mary J Blige: i mean.........i'm only in this weird white indie thing cos it's MTV...

Melora Walters: not the Archer actress who died, SHE was a matriarch! i do a lot of weird indie films...

Alexandra Paul: just biding my time treading water visiting Chris till they get Jennifer Aniston to play me in the Baywatch movie...

Dirg: so, more SVU pinkclouding?

Laertus: we can ALL in this podcast group attest to the anxiety we've felt in our lives. Dirg?
Dirg: shut up. i'm not a pod. i'm not a pod person like you lot! i have agency! i have a will i have a SOUL!!!

Billy Corgan: i had nothing to do with this opening and i need to get paid for it FUCKING NOW.

Tyzik: so this is technically a '90s movie.

Frank: hi. i'm the boyfriend. you never see me the whole time.

Jessica Barden: my name is Winona of course i'm in the writing program to be a goth writer! but the writing course at Princeton is stupid! it's still engineered to Anne Rice not geared to Stephanie Meyer!
Pat: i can attest to this. all writing college courses make the one gifted writer in the class uncomfortable and squeamish and wanting to squirt out get the fuck outta there and drop out.
Jessica: the teacher thought i would suicide off one of my writing assignments, doesn't that just mean my writing is GOOD? cos it's believable?
Jessica: i can't drive, how am i going to live my life?
Less: ...

Dirg: okay so this blue-haired chick is either the greatest actress in the world of all time when it comes to showing anxiety or she's just really really really fucking annoying.

Jessica: i haven't had a panic attack.........YET, stay tuned, moviegoers. mom, why don't we ever talk about all my teenage trauma?
Marcia Gay: because this will make you a better writer later on in life, talk about it at that time. hey you want to go to yoga with me? i'm teaching a class. despite the both of us parents being California-cool, laid back, smoking the secret weed stash in your bedroom drawer in our master bedroom when you go to school, you still turned out screwed-up.
Jessica: it's this gigantic mansion we live in, it's too much for three people. what do you expect? i'm an only child.
Marcia Gay: let's not talk. only talk about art. let's not talk let's just breathe. yoga-breathe.

Eye Luggage: i will say that it's ingenious later on when she gets the panic attack it's PERFECT for her to do the yoga-breathing exercises to combat it.

Jessica: isn't it cool that i still talk to you even though you're ugly?
Jesse Heiman: you like my fro? i was the first one to put a pick in it. why isn't your hair pink?
Jessica: didn't read on camera. hey at least my hair matches my blue Slurpee. how does it feel working behind the counter of a 7-Eleven?
Jesse: it's okay. it's kinda cool the days Pauly Shore comes in and teaches me to drink the Slurpee directly from the nozzle.
Pauly: weez the juice.
Henry Rollins: you dress like all those '80s hair-metal bands i despised as a kid.
Pauly: what did you look like as a kid?

Rosa Salazar: i don't think you're fucked up. but you are high-strung.
Jessica: that's cos i drink 17 cans of Coke a day. and eat just candy for dinner.
Kelly Oxford: that's cos I drink 17 cans of Coke a day. you can see me in that pic above directing you with a can of Coke in my hand. that is NOT the drink to have if you're having anxiety. i was influenced by Chungking Express Coke.

Dirg: did anyone think Ben would end up being a rapist?

Dirg: what's going on here? this script is so...the dialogue is so...clunky...and slow...

Jessica: is it weird i still visit my pediatrician? can you help me, doc?
Henry Winkler: is it weird a doctor rides a motorcycle? i'm a patrician. are you a weedie? an alky? a beerie?
Jessica: no.
Henry: are you deaf? a druggie? hate your babysitter's guts?
Jessica: no.
Henry: then no.

Jessica: can you help me, doc? i got smelly armpits.
psychiatrist: do you know who i am? i'm Mary J Blige. let's put all your feelings into a rap.

Eye: Jessica is SAVAGE to Ben's ex and roomie. masturbate with a fork. bend some spoons in your puss, bitch!
Dirg: ex has a point, she's too young for him.

Rosa: don't graffiti on that mattress, you'll need it later.
Liev: have you heard of junk sleep, girlie?

Jessica: you should have seen that dude's O-face, it was so corny.
Rosa: girl better to get cum on your face than end up pregnant, that's your OWN cum-face.  
Kelly Oxford: i only get a Coke cumface. remember raves?

Ben's rich mom: what kind of work do you do?
Jessica: i'm an actress.........not when it comes to my anxiety disorder tho.
mom: do you know how to swim?
Jessica: little advice from the girl not good enough for your son: life's more than getting a man, honey.

Angelina Jolie: this is all so familiar: the Hollywood mansion, the blue hair, the being locked up in a psych ward...  

Eye: i mean this is a whole lotta nothing, her panic attack wasn't that big of a deal. she took a lipgloss and put it back.
Veruca Salt: we are so proud.
Eye: i've had bigger panic attacks in my sleep. i was hoping for a hospital death scene.

Jessica: sorry i crashed the car, dad. i thought you were having an affair.
Michael McKean: it's okay honey, it was Deen's fault. no i'm trying out all the beds with this woman. we jump on them to make sure they're sturdy.
Jessica: real estate sucks. i'm losing a lot of blood here from this headwound.
Michael: don't worry your blood is not sick. you can use my license, i'll just deepfake your head on my head.

dad: when our daughter goes crazy like this i can't talk.
mom: don't talk, dear, just breathe.

Jessica: yeah it's just weird standing next to my parents like this at the doctor's office their little helpless girl, cos i'm 30 years old...

The Fonz: anxiety meds. just like candy.

Jessica: so i went back to college.
Pat: oh no, you do NOT want to go back to college, that'll only make your anxiety worse...
Jessica: and i started fucking my bookstore boss.
Kelly Oxford: this entire film is EXACTLY what my early adulthood was. except for the trust fund. i was naive back then, i didn't understand the power dynamic yet. but at least the dude i got with was a reader.

Jessica: FUCK YOUR PhD. did Bill Gates get a PhD? did Reese Witherspoon and Rihanna get a PhD? did Jimmy Kimmel get a PhD?
Ben: come on, i'll skateboard you home.
Cher: i still love you, honey, you'll always be my daughter.
Jessica: g'night, folks.

Andre De Grasse: Zoe Rivas cheering me on lifted me up.

Brian Williams: America, it's time to forgive Pauly Shore.

Codrus: their strength?
Cotard: their strength comes from admitting they have anxiety.
Codrus: THAT'S WEAK!!! you can't have weak warriors on the battlefield!
Cotard: you'll see. times may be ancient now but these ancient times they are a'changin'. one in the crowd is a sensitive musician. they are hungry for the laughs to end.
Pauly Shore: ...
Codrus: you see up there? out there beyond the hill? the skies are pink with their bombs, hahahahahahahahahaha.



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