Friday, July 30, 2021




* Amanda Knox: this sucks.........what does this have to do with water? i'm not a matter what happens i am NOT going to court for damages.

* Russian athletes: we didn't dope, Russia did. don't hate that we cocky at the Olympics, BEAT US!!!

* Nada Tawfik: i wasn't on vacation, i was getting a tan.

* whoa whoa whoa no more HOT SUMMER DEALS!!! i'm not hot. Pizza Hut? i don't need Pizza Hut deals, i got enough with Pizza Hut commercials!

* i don't know about you but i need to get the fuck outta here. travel to a brave new world and start over. Junior is right. i got the itch Bactine cannot cure. don't you? atop a seaside cliff with two red wooden-plank chairs used for Great Gatsby beach parties in summers and Depeche Mode in winters. a world without computers.........okay but no more adult swim facebook and youtube. a world without gardening blogs that ask for your gum. take it from me i learned this the hard way: NEVER follow your best friend to the bike shoppe...   

* Golden Corral: no more masks. and no more sneeze guards.

* John Hancock: my Visa card was denied.

* Phoenix: ah the good old days......Berkeley before 9/11...those swinging vines in the beige room in the corner of the Library Hidden In The Ivy, class on avedra and sutras taught by that hot bulbous babe with the bucolic bellbottoms on her paisley psychedelic pants with an onion in her hair who wanted all the Religious Studies majors to unite!!! presumably in her upstairs hostel with her two roommates from Norway Sven and Sven's Father.
* why does my coffee taste so good? i put it in the kiln.

* Black Biker Babes: we don't use Visa, that's old money. we use digital dollars and it lasts forever.

* surfer: you could beat me!
girl in bedroom: i'm not schizophrenic?
surfer: other s.

 * not a food truck. a skatepark

* talking car: don't be frightened. but i'm alive. if you don't win the Gold Medal i'll lock you inside me forever.

* there are so many doubts in this mirror.........wait am i real or the mirror?...

* you can even conduct an orchestra in Sydney. there won't be any fans tho.

* if i can get HERE from THERE, there can be fishing in the Olympics.

* a journey of one step starts with Jordans

* KITT: i went electric first. but i scared all the kids cos i never went to sleep.

* what are those spoons called that have the ornate decoration flower patterns on them for Chinese soup, those mini-ladles

* Only Murders In The Building: the only case Agatha Christie could never solve.
Selena Gomez: that granola chick from Berkeley did balloon pants years before me.
Skip Bayless: i had to be in this movie to one-up Stephen A Smith. that Handmaid chick needs to smile more.

* that Jessica Long commercial made me cry so hard my tears filled an Olympic pool

* Ghana skateboarders: who's Nyjah Huston?

* Walter the cat: this is how the food chain works on Melmac, don't believe Alf's propaganda.
Alf: you saw what happened to my planet. you saw what we did to Superman's planet. don't think it can't happen to Earth.

* Liev: live. junk sleep, it causes you to forget the one thing your boss told you not to forget: that you are your own boss.

* wolf: chaos reigns.
fox: it's not as scary when you have a pillow on your head.

* Uber: this is Leslie Jones, can i come back to SNL? the Olympics were a dud without crowds.

* first date without the kids in a year? yep, but you had to sell the car, remember? 

* if you get run over by a nun on a scooter, do you go to Heaven?

* Kathy: i break barriers. time records. and balls. i won the Gilf Olympics.

* guide: so are all of you Olympic athletes?
zoomers: no we just like cat cafes.
guide: so remember, everyone in Tokyo hates anime. those aren't red lanterns, Mario died by fireball there. the square watermelon is actually an inedible candle from LUSH. Starbucks now makes cake pops for cats. wait i'm not getting paid for this?

happy weekend, my babies

* WingStop: we now have THIGHS, we can never have BREASTS. we can never be called BreastStop.

TOMORROW: going inside a KFC for the first time in two years. they still have the boneless nuggets, right? KFC really needs to start serving beer and have a bigscreen tv instead of a drivethru...

No comments: