Friday, July 9, 2021




* Berrettini: i'm doing this for ALL the Italians. for Lucio Rossi. for a tennis first and for the Euros. in Italy we don't do pizza like you do. there is no tomato sauce only tomatoes. there is no cheese only olive oil. in Italy it is illegal to break your spaghetti in half before you cook it. there are people in an Italian jail right now for that.
Clara Cannucciari hits him upside the head with a broom.
Clara: i went through the Depression but you get me depressed again.
Berrettini: mama! why did you leave the family! i searched for you my whole life. i eat puff pastries my whole life to remember you by.
Clara: you kill me. ungrateful son. never came to my wedding. never ate my food. always with the Chipotle with Andy Murray's brother. 
Berrettini: sorry, mama. i will go to jail for not being an altar boy. i tried to look you up in the yellow pages but i could never spell your last name. yellow like your spaghetti.

* Daniel Radcliffe: yeah so i was looking forward to the Harry Potter Reunion, to go on zoom and find out how many babies Emma Watson popped out. if that other bloke lost his red hair. but now that the world has COMPLETELY turned on JK Rowling, let's just have a seance on Discovery Plus and get this over with.

* Ben Affleck: you see that shit-eating grin i sport on every magazine cover? you wanna know why? cos i'm playing an alcoholic marriage counselor in my next movie...

* Sly Stallone: why am i not Syl? i told them i'd make my specialty steak n peppers dish for them and their political prisoners but only if i got to ride the magic white horse. 

* Andy Murray's brother: my brother does not do murraya, he does not cheat with drugs. he did not father 10 children with Nick Cannon. we sprinkle a little on the quesadillas that's it!
murraya: it's an avant-garde word. only those with the patience to wait for ALL the confetti to drop to google it can know its meaning.

* Little League father in bleachers: go junior! get that scholarship!
mom in bleachers: why isn't this sport available to girls, too?
father: look at my juice pouch.
mom: money isn't everything in life. athletic skill is important, too. MassMutual can kiss my lilywhite ass!
father: i know. i write for a blog that chronicles the imminent 6th mass extinction event on this planet.

* thin crust: makes no sense

* G Ma: boy why your hair in an afro!
grandson: America's better with this stuff now, G Ma. as long as it isn't Olympic swimcaps. 
G Ma: you feel how warm and flaky and melty my cookies are? nobody makes Toll House cookies like me! there are no more Toll House cookies anywhere in existence anymore!
grandson: why not?
G Ma: cos no one uses ovens anymore!!!

* Black Widow: May 2020, get it?

* ScarJo: why do i even try anymore. i'll never top my performance in Her. i don't know what that says that my greatest performance came when you never saw me. don't know whether to take that personally or laud it. i got Colin Jost as my husband!!! there's no topping that!!!
Michael Che: ...
Michael Che: can you give me my bike back? i gotta get on Raya.

* Emily: don't you dare come the fuck between me and my NBA Finals. 
family: G Ma?
Emily: I'M BUSY!!! i'm in the tub! using ancient medicinal Chinese herbs that only i know about that cure only me! i'm unwrapping a new LUSH soap that i don't want the fam to see!
family: when Kobe Bryant died, Grandma Emily lost interest in the NBA Finals.........but just for one season.
Emily: i was so depressed. covid didn't depress me, Kobe did. and then i got Youtube Fire Amazon TV Airbender Cube which is an empty box of shit cos you can't actually watch tv on this damn box you can only click on a square on the screen for another box.

* Emily Blunt: i'll be blunt. doing this Jungle Cruise thing better get me that Oscar that was stolen from me! or at least i can become President off this, i gotta be a first or my life meant nothing!
The Rock: i showed the back of water the back of my hand.
Disney: we swear we didn't copy The African Queen hook line and sinker for this. for one thing Humphrey Bogart would have kicked The Rock's ass.

* Ben Stiller: i wrote the Escape Room script, it's based on my final date with Janeane Garofalo...

* Tony Hawk: don't get chicken!
mustache man: i was gonna get a Subway sub with chicken tho. how is it that you've NEVER aged, Tony Hawk?
Tony Hawk: you like this long skateboard i got just for you?, a bicyle built for two.
mustache man: it's just a surfboard.
Tony Hawk: i know i got a helmet on but don't swing at my head with a Macy's bag.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell. the one near the pier. i wanna smell the shore and the seagulls in my nose. i wanna go inside that place again for the first time in 2 years. that Taco Bell is so intimate, it's so tiny, it has two orange heatlamps one or the food one for the lounge. it's in the shape of a scalene triangle.

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