Friday, July 23, 2021




* had a scrambled egg for the first time in four years to mark the Olympics. i usually have fried. i cracked the egg just as the Cauldron opened. can an omelette have one egg?

* Lady Gaga: i did the egg thing first.
Bjork: no I did the egg thing first.

* Naomi Osaka: i was happy to be the final torchbearer, didn't you see it on my face? a lot of pressure being the international trailblazer of mental health, that's the only fire i care about.

* Fox News: Naomi are you just not tough enough? suck it up and dribble.
Naomi: stop calling me Nam, Kelly Ripa.
Fox News: my name's Megyn.
Naomi: weird y. okay YOU try to have sex on a piece of wood and not get depressed.

* Steve Blum: i not only singlehandedly saved American anime i also saved Taco Bell! just need to do a spot where i win a million-loonie court case after Tim Horton's hot coffee spills on TOM's robot lap and i'm Space King of North America!

* Phoenix: since when is going back to school fun?!!!
boy: holy shit! look at that hot girl's technique! on the skateboard!
Phoenix: this isn't an ad for back-to-school, it's training the next generation for the one everyone wants, the coveted Olympic Skateboard Gold Medal.

* The Noid: okay pick the President in under 2 minutes...
minivan mom: i need a big hulking man who can navigate me through a storm of wild animals. a Jungle Cruise ship captain would make a nice President.
The Noid: you like soccer?
minivan mom: only World Cup and Euros, fuck the Olympics.
Noid: your Dominos pizza is free.
mom: i thought this was Chicken King!

* Free Guy: EVERY movie has the thing where you go into your closet and all 10 shirts are blue and all 10 slacks are brown

* Seth Curry: but all these new Subway subs are old...
counter girl: no we got two new spices.
Seth Curry: hey aren't you the girl from that Transformers cartoon? 
Seth: okay so these are new sandwiches cos my wife Ayesha made them. don't imply anything from that, our marriage is rock-solid.
girl: we got the new Seasoning.
Seth: yeah but you gotta ask for it it doesn't come standard.
girl: and the new vinaigrette.
Seth: for the first time ever: vinegar salt!

* Lily: no matter what you say, the sign will twirl infinity and you will save.
customer: how much for that counter you always stand behind?
Lily: not for sale forever.

* Dr Rick: tickets everybody.
therapy group: but these are vaccinated Eric Clapton tickets!!!
group: you can see Russia from my house...literally from this plane.
Dr Rick: why'd you bring your Chipotle burrito in foil in a plastic bag? they're gonna think it's a bomb. besides, you don't have a microwave.
therapy womanchild: my iWatch is a microwave.
therapy beard: ballpark timeframe?
airport employee: baseball's dead.
therapy womanchild: *singsong voice* someone should have left earlier...
Dr Rick: you're lucky that didn't cause a cockpit fight. luckily the man you razzed was late for an impromptu last-second wedding proposal.  

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: In N Out Burger. again. i'm wearing a plain white T-shirt that's 2 sizes too small for me, that's the perfect shirt to wear to In N Out where every night is '50s night. there's gonna be combs in butt-pockets instead of phones.

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