Wednesday, July 21, 2021


Grace Foltz at Disneyland: my boyfriend's a putz, will you go out with me?
Gaston: i only go out with the fairest maidens in the land.
Grace: bro this is real life now. i bet you wished you went back in time to that one chapter and reworked it, that was your weakest story.

Eye Luggage: Legends of the Hidden Temple!!! FINALLY it's coming back! my mom told me all about this! i've been waiting 30 years for this they finally did the right thing! what the people want!
Mardith: yeah that excuse Nickelodeon gave for doing that lame movie instead was bogus. i always thought the purple monkeys were the cutest. sorry, Dirg, you can't compete.
Olmec: the last time i watched the CW for real was Everwood.

Pokimane: too late. Free Guy proves it. youtubers are the new celebrities. we didn't earn it but we don't care. the world groans and i get paid. do you even know what my real voice sounds like? i'm giving half my earnings to Etika, this girl honors her contracts.

Madame Pons to Mardith: girl you don't have to video EVERYTHING...

Codrus: i've decided that the winner of the war will be the one who wins the race.
Cotard: if it's a footrace then at least it'll be realistic. playing with people's lives is like opening a can of PikNik toothpick-fries, scooping up a handful, and shoveling them down your throat and THEN you read the warning message on the lid that says this product causes cancer and birth defects.
Codrus: nope. rollerblades, i've introduced rollerblades into the populace...
Cotard: oh come on this is getting ridiculous. warning label, brother, there will be one amongst the peloton of rollerbladers who will sneak up on you unnoticed and vanquish you.
Codrus: like that frivolous song you're working on? a savior? let the race begin.
Cotard: my song has changed a few bars and exchanged a few hands but it's coming. different notes but it's coming. i'm experimenting. different genres different generations.

Little Caesars: that's crushed red pepper. not cursed red pepper.
Codrus: can i borrow a couple battle sandals?

at the Weather Channel:
Stephanie Abrams: Mike Bettis has a great composting video.........not that i'm thinking about Mike Bettis or anything. it's hard to navigate for babes like me who found love late in life, we're always a little off-kilter. 
Green Notebook: we have great respect for Stephanie Abrams. she is BRUTALLY honest with her feelings, she expresses her pain and longing and confusion forthrightly, other babes could learn to be loose and free like she. we're happy she finally found someone and will be the Queen of Boston at all frozen-sidewalk Dunkin Donutses with Garciaparra on her arm.

Haunani-Kay Trask: i was given the task. i join in the sea with Seau to become a senior spirit.

Alice In Chains: we got it from the Tears For Fears song "Woman In Chains".

Mr. McFeely: sort me out.

Labhrain: she experimented with the rain. LeBron played the violin underwater.

Tom Green: no i'm not gonna comment on Drew Barrymore's ratings being higher than Johnny Carson's. i don't want to add to the noise of 8 billion types of type.

St. Cyril's: my parking lot is waiting for the River's Edge's not like i'll be a bad influence, there's no grade school here anymore, only a church.

The Shag Store: where Palm Springs was filmed. we can do the Airborne reboot here at our parking lot. except the parking lot is carpet.

Warren Beatty at the Oscars: and the Oscar goes to.........Carly Simon. THERE! can we all just move on now?

Codrus: Jay Shetty was kicked out of the monastery for shedding. and getting neck tattoos.
Maharishi: before i did. before my neck tats. young people today have no respect for their elders. you know i will definitely become a ghost, right?
Jay Shetty: they said my eyes were too gorgeous for monk life. so i became the Crown Royal spokesman.

Bertie: Tuca! we can't lose the show again! if it means killing the kid show then do it!

Sasha Grey: i don't care what any putz on the internet says! my brother Owen Gray is NOT the new member of Blink 182. i will pay for Mark Hoppus's cancer treatments. it's no picnic. i won't pray but i'll pay. until he gets well. full recovery, my hope guy.

Dev Patel: when i said i was waiting for the Slumdog Millionaire reboot i didn't mean Family Karma! okay now i'm just waiting for us to do another season of Skins despite the wrapup movies...

Mardith: Cecily Strong's back tattoo is cute.
Takahashi: a Chinese character to honor the other Owen. 
Mardith: i know girls who are hardcore, they have the Chinese character tat on the back of their neck to indicate they want the cum down the back of their throat.
Takahashi: the Japanese-character, too. it indicates the same.

Kelly Ripa: and now with the weather, Johnson & Johnson.
Jonathan Bass: not cool, my name's Jonathan.

Gladyce: you just had to have the chili didn't you dear.
Doryce: i tried to open the can of chili and it popped! my wedding dress is ruined!

Stephen A Smith: i'm there! did you see me? i'm there dancing in the back in La La Land!

Codrus: got any tickets?
Roger Federer: here.
Codrus: it's men's doubles so no.

RBG: when i died everyone was sad. it was like when Minato and Kushina died. everyone was scared and searching and uncertain for the future. there is no greater love than someone who has laid down his life to save his friends. and remember, Danzo only LOOKS like Spock.

Doryce: i have yet to be as charitable. i have laid a lot tho. i want an American Express cinnamon card!

Takahashi: Food Wars with the tribute to Marv Albert's last show, nice!

Motoko: there is NO voter fraud, move on.

Takahashi: the only thing i'll eat out of is a woven-wheat food container-box.

Laertus: honeystring you know what to get me for Christmas. a Before Sunrise cap.
Eye Luggage: red or blue?
Laertus: not red!

Senku: your eleven!
Tsukasa: i don't know what that means! is the clock forwards or backwards on my big body?
Encino Man: ...
Tsukasa: it's a very confusing way to direction. 11:00 is lunch time, point to my stomach. just say BEHIND YOU! next time.

Spike Lee: my NBA Finals Game 7 intro will win the Oscar...

Dirg: but does anyone actually give a fuck whether i'm alive or dead tho?...

Rin stuck in a tree: however old you think i am, i am 500 years old...

Fareed Zakaria: my friend is Sammy Sosa and i proudly say this on international tv.

Doryce: i didn't swipe right! there was an eyelash there!

Boc: *head in hands* i'm on the edge all the time. it's not as easy as it looks, you panic out there in the field when the nozzle's at full steam. do you turn it right left or left right do it quickly, man, the water's running!!!

Oosthuizen: you are third to none, media. i listened to "Louis Louis" the night before in my flat. big mistake. i missed the cut to ride with Jeff Bezos. but a 100 Year Flood in Europe blocked my fly.
Oral-B toothbrush: here, Louis, take me. have me at your boudoir!

Tyrone Smith: y'all know why i'm smiling.

Dirg: lovin' the new Geico commercial. let's get McKayla Maroney activated again!!!

FIFA: Merry Christmas! you got a World Cup! do you forgive us now?
Rod Serling: it's gonna be weird watching the World Cup during Thanksgiving. strange, eerie, surreal. more uncomfortable than a Twilight Zone Thanksgiving marathon.

Dalai Lama: it's a Hot Buddha Summer in July.

Linda Fiorentino: i was born to play L in Men In Black.

Coach K's daughter: can i have one?
Charles Barkley: only if it's cider.

Rich Paul: i'm not rich. that's a whole lotta hot wind.
Adele: my love don't cost a thing.
Rich: we won't be rolling in the deep.
Adele: deep there meant my former body. i can't play for the Lakers this season, SNL needs me, they're turning back into The Carol Burnett Show.

Lane Kiffin: if only i had cheerled harder to keep that USC job...

The Lego Group: ladies and gentlemen and people with problems, our newest spokesperson, Ms. Britney Spears...
Playmobil: damn, we wanted her.
LEGO: it's not Christian Eriksen but it's something.
Popeye: i want to move to Billund.
Britney: i have more money than Taylor Swift...

Billy Corgan: okay. i've learned my lesson. i don't have a BlackBerry anymore. Pajo, i'm an asshole to the root but i didn't drive you to anything, i can't drive, i never got my license. all the unreleased Zwan songs will be packaged in a black-and-white Twilight Zone box i have dubbed The Airplane Crashed.
Natalie Portman: you are the real Black Zwan.

Gladyce: it's not shook till you shake it from the bottom.
Doryce: butts?
Gladyce: Wishbone Italian salad dressing in the church stained-glass bottle.

Laertus: "Escape" by Rupert Holmes, Republican song.
Eye Luggage: i know, i mean how can any man hate yoga?

Dirg: you just outed yourself!:

doing nothing on a Sunday

yep, atheist caption.

Rebel Wilson: it's L.A., you can actually go to a cheese shop.

crones: the premise of Nic Cage's new film Pig (2021) sounds remarkably similar to our life...

Robin Wilson: i wasn't a member of the Beach Boys, that's why i drink. i sound like them tho. Blood Sugar Sex Magik did not come out in 1989. the only sugar i shoot up is turbinado. turbo for my real-life Rocket Power brothers.

Atalan: that's crazy the whole-moon Instagram emoji, you split it in two and it's the crescent-moons emojis. the crescent's side-nose is formed from the whole's center-nose.

Maria: we weren't doing Sound of Music, we were doing Black Narcissus.
Cotard: i borrowed Maria's nun-wings headphones.

Dirg: it's tacky to put the towers as your 1 and 1 of the 9/11 merchandise you're selling.

bistro lights: otherwise known as Friends lights

Dirg: i'm a simp for Nasim Pedrad. but it's not my fault, it's in the name:


Doryce: Steak-umms NEED to be microwaveable.

Alfred E Neuman: so you think if i put on glasses i'm suddenly an expert in tiny diseases? it would be an HONOR if Pete Buttigieg played me in the movie. we gotta stop with the we we we stuff, WE don't work, I was meant to be alone before that was a thing. beware the false prophets, those skinny teenage boys just trying to be Link.

James Gandolfini: HEY! those weren't my oysters, i love the Olympics.

Cotard: there needs to be a pinkie-swear emoji on this Instagram thingy.
Codrus: otherwise known as the priest/altar-boy salute.

Dirg: Masculine Football on Univision.........real soccer.

Boc: i'm becoming a soccerhead. it's grassy like tennis. how do you prepare food so it's microwaveable? is that what my life is worth? $109,000?

Robin Roberts: only i could pull off being Electric Company '70s-funky on Jeopardy.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Aeon Flux: it's real important sci-fi has a concept, this is real. you know the studio has given up on a movie when they make it a point to add a Wilhelm scream.

Eye Luggage: Airborne and go.
airborn: i'm not a word.
Airborne: i'm really a dietary supplement, i was never meant to go up your nose.

Laertus: i was all ready set to use my Gleaming The Cube reference but then i realized this movie has nothing in common with that film.
Eye: this was meant to be the definitive film on this new exciting technology called rollerblades. rollerblades were the wave of the future! the new way to travel! the next step to space tourism!
Dirg: but rollerblades basically became just another toy. like a Skip-It from Mattel. 
Madame Pons: i remember rollerblades. they were big for one year. people forget this is really a hockey movie.

Shane McDermott: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?!!! i had EVERYTHING i had it ALL!!! we joke about the next Brad Pitt but that was FUCKING ME!!! did you see my performance in this? it's beautiful acting. it's seamless acting. i'm a natural! why didn't i become a star? is this Keanu's fault?
Shane's board: you said you just wanted to surf...
Deep Space Nine: if you're Scottish you have to be a transporter engineer.
Shane: i can't surf! surfing's dangerous! look what happened to Seau!

Seth Green: i've never looked better. i wasn't a dork in this movie i am a dork now. i had long hot red hair back then. don't you remember? we DID do an Airborne spoof segment on Robot Chicken. that was Shane McDermott's first work since 1993. 
Shane: voice work doesn't count.

Brittney Powell: i don't care what you say. i don't care if you thought this move was shit, i was your first girl! i was your first masturbation! i see you with your hand down your frilly stonewashed jeans. if you look closely, if you study my performance carefully at university you will see that i'm a pretty damn good actor. i'm natural, too! seamless. and i don't even come from this country!

Kenyatta: people actually LOVE this movie, more do than don't tho they won't admit it on mailer surveys when it's time to vote for Jungle Cruise Captain. so as a service to our vast array of Wikipedia users i have personally decided to write the summary for this film, make it you know like you would write the writeup for Casablanca, they're all the same love story in the end.

Chris Conrad: hot bully, the most dangerous combination. muscles dimples and doom. and i'm a purple belt. and i love Prince. and i'm the reason Mortal Kombat costs a dime not a quarter. you cannot vanquish me.

Edie McClurg: everyone thinks i was the maid on Diff'rent Strokes. btw still the most unique television-show title EVER. i have no comment on my sons' teachers...

Patrick O'Brien: you know me from that commercial. Jiffy Pop or something. remember how fun those UFO silver-saucer popcorn trays were? that's what the Army was trying to hide from us this whole time, popcorn is a bioweapon cos it's a choking hazard. why didn't I play Shane's teacher? he'd be famous now.

Jack Black: ridiculous long name. i sucked at being a bully. cos you know from the future that i'll be funny, i shoulda been Marty McFly. because of all this when i'm mean i'm EXTRA MEAN cos i'm trying too hard.

Alanna Ubach: i was called Back in high school. i have to make out with SETH GREEN? come on!

Jessica Boevers: coulda been worse. you've never been called Beaver. see you at UCLA drama camp.

Banducci Brothers: we were 2/5 of Stone Temple Pilots. we were the Sopranos teens. we laugh like Tom from Tom and Jerry. bullying is not funny. we had a McLovin called Supermac WAY before. we bow down to Mac And Me, that E.T. let us eat it for food on set.

Dirg: the film is about air but we start with water, the waves. a perfect liberal paradise. 

Shane: Eastcoast girls...
unnamed friend: don't finish that lyric. your wish might come true.
Shane: i wish they all could be California girls. or German girls. wanna go rollerblading?
unnamed friend: what the fuck is rollerblading?

Shane: dad, mom, why do i have to move to Cincinnati, that place is worse than hell.
parents: but it's cold. 
Shane: what are you researching?
parents: bats in China...

aunt: we're from Cincinnati but we're really from Fargo.
uncle: i call you Mother and you call me Father, that is so sick *puts up thumbs-up haka*

Seth Green: hey man, you like Eraserhead?
Shane: is that code for drugs in The Nati?
Seth: no, for school and stuff. i'm a good student. we have raves here but they're all underground. as in frozen.
Shane: silent disco, nice.

Laertus: these bullies are very specific. they make fun of Mitch's attitude, they can't touch him cos he's California cool. it's a very nuanced thing, they can't make fun of this physical appearance.
Dirg: cos the girls are cumming themselves in the classroom picturing him naked and muscular. oiled in sex wax. what's with those ENORMOUS classrooms? like cavernous warehouses full of wind. i blame Gavin Newsom.

Jack Black: i like Nintendo. and, uh, burritos, i said burritos first.
Seth: for some reason i love hockey. even though i'm the size of an ant. video games? there's no future for me in video games...

Seth Green: i made film history here. i was the first man to do a fashion montage.

Brittney: you like to fly?
Shane: drugs?
Brittney: no, Goose, i thought...Top Gun.
Shane: yeah i don't look like a Mitch.
Brittney: what happened?
Shane: i killed a man with my surfboard. that's when i decided to just go with the flow on the waves.

Dirg: okay, date time, and it takes place in Liz Phair's video for "Never Said".
Eye: welcome, Liz.
Liz Phair: i know i know, it looks like an indoor-arboretum inner-jungle.
Dirg: like Malaysia. 
Liz: that cool hotel.
Dirg: what happened to you, Liz Phair. you used to be the cool indie queen. but as you got older you got more power-poppier and bland. 
Liz: greenhouse gases.
Shane: to me this hydroponic-lab botanical-garden looks like an upside-down vagina.

Eye: okay date time. and i SEE YOU, GIRL! i see what you did there, that was hot!
Dirg: what?
Brittney: see how i went for Shane's mouth voraciously, went in for the kiss, didn't wait for the man to make the first move, i saw what i wanted and i TOOK IT! surprised Shane with my snatch, with the ferocity of my lips on his, biting his teeth off.
Shane: didn't need braces after that.

Brittney: the bully is my brother? well that's convenient.
Dirg: the other bully looks like if Avicii was bad, Shadow Avicii.

Seth: they put shaving cream down my shorts, i thanked them, that was my first shave, a close shave.

Pepe the Shark: WHAT TEH FUCK WERE THE PRODUCERS THINKING?!!! they had the PERFECT opportunity to call in Disney to animate my segment! it would have been psychedelically legendary. like Beatles Submarine stuff! we could have stopped the alt-right. we could have sued Katy Perry.

Alanna Ubach: got any toys we can use in the bedroom?
Seth: just my ThunderCats collection.
Alanna: sigh. gimme the Orko...

Seth: why didn't you stand up for us?
Shane: i hope Cincinnati burns to the ground.
Seth: Gandhi is dead!

Shane: you knew i would pants that guy. my last name is Goosen, i goosed him.

Shane: okay we gotta win, the big bad boss battle is Gangrene Gulch, is everybody in?
former bullies: yeah let's punish those preps!
Screech: only if you save me in the process.
Cotard: i'm in!
Codrus: same. my plan's going to plan.
Brittney: did you see my weird face just then? i bit my lip HARD. that was my first orgasm, which was my first orgasm on screen. they're real! told you i could act.

Codrus: okay so for the back half of this movie for the next hour you see a long stretch of panoramic views of grey. steps and grills and fences. Cincinnati was built on an ancient Indian parking lot. what they don't know is i'm using this cheap labor to build my driveway. all the roads will become my driveway. each time a rollerblader carves the cement...
Cotard: you WANT the driveway to have cracks in it?

Cotard: for this particular part of the race i'm sensing...i'm getting a vibe for what music i want to compose...yea, like a...Blink 182 ska-rock...


Adam Levine: there are no more bands. there are no more stadiums.


suddenly The Most Interesting Man In The World on his rollerblades whizzes past the other Olympic athletes and wins the race, biting the tape off as he breaks it.

The Most Interesting Man In The World: *arms raised* suck it, suckers.

Codrus: wait, where is my brother? where is Cotard? all i see are 50 brown-skinned menial-labor-workers in the crowd...

Dirg: Boo did the key make-up for this movie, a person named Boo.

Maharishi swift-kicks Codrus and Cotard in the face.
Maharishi: you two call yourselves monks?! 

Brittney Powell: i got power from this movie no one else did, i live in your memory forever. i was your first. see that? the movie ends with a kiss. that's how ALL movies should end, freezeframe on the kiss and run the credits over that image. g'night, folks.


No comments: