TWELVE TONES OF FREEDOM: DIPH THONG

 

Olivia Rodrigo: if you get the vaccine, i'll write a song about you. deal?

Gladyce: when i wear the oven mitts my hands start to burn inside. they sweat and fluster. they leave me with a rash of hand hives.

Doryce: yeah but dear you can never take them off when you're making fries. you must protect your spellfingers at all cost.

Liz Montague: see i always wanted the Capulets to win, i was never into that lovey-dovey stuff.

Chris Ware: no there will not be another season of Eagleheart unless i write it. my stuff has no linear progression, it's just the achingly real sensation of living a doomed life in real time. i've never said

i am so looking forward to tomorrow!!! i'm excited for what the next week brings!!! i swim in mystery!!!

not once.

Liz: you have no hope. you don't live in hope. it's sad cos even I do.

Chris: hey why don't we work together sometime, my comic panels make the best use of black ink since BTAS.

Nissan: because this week's feature is a tribute to Ghost In The Shell i hereby declare that death may be wild but it's better than being in a box.

Bolsonaro: the myth is real. remember in grade school you were taught about the farmer who accidentally cut a sheep shearing it and started hiccupping. a moth flew out his mouth and he hiccupped and never stopped hiccupping until his death. that farmer is me. i TOLD the Amazon to grow more meat plants!

Dirg: that tattoo of a black heart on your ringfinger is sexy, Mardith. makes me not want to marry you.

Mardith: wanna go to the milk museum?

Dirg: you people always go to the museum when you land in a foreign country.

Mardith: this is San Francisco.

Dirg: whereas my people look for the nearest ballpark. 

Takahashi: we can finally love baseball again! how bout we all put aside our differences over a meal. Saucy Asian.

Madame Pons: you said you'd never reveal our safe word!

Codrus: i need a spy.

Cotard: of course you do. i'll only do it if you wear a thong. i'm supposed to compliment you on your shoes, you hard-guy types secretly crave that. okay so those are some nice black nine-inch heels, Trent would be proud. 

Codrus: there are double agents everywhere in this world. i don't know who to trust, the agenda keeps changing.

Cotard: oh come on, are you pretending you're not in control of the game so you don't go bored?

Codrus: it's different this time, brother, it's a different feeling. i DON'T know what's gonna happen next.

Cotard: *saintly sigh* oh fine i'll help you.

Roger Federer: anybody want to attend Wimbledon live? i got an extra ticket.

Gladyce: i knew England would win the Euros. i cracked an egg well the egg cracked itself in the carton. i told myself right then and there 

chase bad luck with good luck

so i immediately cracked another egg in there. i ended up with 2 fried eggs---well 1 egg and a half egg---that flattened into the exact shape and contour of the UK isle.

Doryce sprinkles some Italian seasoning on Gladyce's egg.

Doryce: just in case...

Meiomi: we stand by Osaka.

Dementieva: hey. remember me? no you don't. you forgot all about me. you forgot my whole career. you forgot i ever existed. that i was a real person at all on the court. now i can't be off the court...

Jimmy Butler: Rach where were you? i waited at the Jungle Cruise all day!

Crown Royal: are you drinking us, Bill Maher?!!! the In The Heights lead is the greatest spokesman we've ever had! it's tough for an alcohol company to justify itself. but we got Latin sparkling eyes!!!

Classico spaghetti sauce: we still believe in marriage. but we're doglovers.

Camille Cottin: i'm doing the Children of a Lesser God reboot. William Hurt is indisposed at the moment.

Boris Johnson: so while we're leaving Afghanistan this doesn't mean we're abandoning Afghanistan. in fact we got our lasers pointed trained directly on the goalie i mean the enemy right now.

Roger Federer: i never knew there was a Wimbledon McDonalds. i hang out there now. i want to get my power back, Cheam High is right round the bend i'm gonna talk with the headmaster...

Sweetgreen: we too stand by Naomi Osaka. salad is better for you than shoes.

Katie Thurston to Tamron Hall: yeah i've given up on love. i'm not thirsty anymore. i just want to swim to a deserted island and die there. maybe the Mars thing will happen in my lifetime.

Dirg: nobody owns the movies.........except me.

The Pope: FINALLY!!! Benedetta, a film that finally accurately portrays my life! it's all lesbian sex up here at the Vatican.

Kelly Ripa: no i am not dating Rex Ryan. just cos Stephen A Smith gets to be on my old soap doesn't mean EVERY sports dude gets to!

Jason Momoa: at your funeral i'll stand in the back wearing a black robe holding a black umbrella. silently the whole service. for free.

Valerie Bertinelli: i'm not crying over my weight. i'm crying cos i'll never get over Eddie's death...

Naomi Osaka: i am LOVING this break! loving this peace! there's such an oasis of inner calm in me i'm NEVER coming back!!!...

Dirg: gotta love the Weird Earth chick who refuses to get her acne fixed.

Henry Rollins: when you see 7:11 on a clock, yell "SLURPEE!"

Dirg: the only thing that makes sent better is when it's sent a GIF or sent a sticker.

Boc sniffs the new shiny silver bristles of his broom, he licks them. a couple of flea-larvae cobweb strings from the infested lamp jump from the broom to inside the Treehouse to the cat familiars' wet noses:

cat familiars: oh bother.

vegatsu: Dragon Ball GT's daughter...

Christine Ebersole: the greatest work i ever did was Mac And Me.........since i can't mention that bloody SNL skit i did wife/husband/making an ex thing......that was blood not McDonalds ketchup...

Pacific Grove Forest McDonalds: the McDonalds in Mac And Me was the first one, our father. we based us on that one cos that one in Tarzana evokes such nostalgic warmth, that McDonalds was everyone's second home.

Yung Pueblo: it's just warmed-over Navajo wisdom from my grandmother but i'm an author like everyone else in the world.

The Alchemist, Battersea: you can't stop the sea with magic! the sea battered all our history! all that's left is a metal glove holding a used condom stuffed in the seat of an IHOP booth. avoid becoming just another feeling-cold statistic, another numb number in the back of a history book.  

Cotard: you may find this ironic, but when i became a monk i finally felt free.

space baron: use the anime-spaceship blueprint. gold in space is not dogecoin it's Morrissey dust.

Spaceship Earth: we're running out of fuel...

Boc: remember, hose down the hose itself when you're done. and remember when you put the nozzle down to close it? that's why you have a pool of water in your shorts right now.

Dirg: no more horrendous smell than day-old nacho cheese...

Kay Hire: why do you immediately assume i'm a lesbian? Kay Hire for hire.........for space, numbnuts.

Olsen twin in the jungles of Amazon with machete in hand: i'm here to save Earth's Lungs. and to save Ashley. no, Ashley Judd. and to find out if i'm really a twin.

Bugs Bunny: this ain't a carrot, it's a Raging Rabbit. 

Candlebox: why did MTV stop playing our videos?

Gareth: *zen* the entire fucking arc of my fucking life has been wholly dependent on fucking penalty kicks

Serano: the islands are full of dust. but it actually took me coming from Harvard to learn to moor the lines of the boats.

Gladyce: the sugar in the bacon makes it cook faster, cracklier.

Doryce: there's no sugar in bacon!!!

Dirg: i'd rather talk to friends than a psychiatrist.

Eye Luggage: have an adult swim channel for women, all girls age 12-21 would flock there, bird pun intended.

coming this Fall to NBC:

Elon Musk stars in a reality show in which he opens up a restaurant in Times Square. it's called...

The Restaurant

Frank DiLeo: *sweating* how could i know the mousey-haired pipsqueak of a backup dancer would one day go on to become Sheryl Fucking Crow! yous gotta be kidding me!!! at least i've been the star of a big Hollywood movie which she hasn't.

Sheryl Crow: i'm starring in my own Lifetime movie, you fat fuck. that's coming up, my first feature soon. but what did you tell your son Dom when he heard the "Na Na Song" lyrics? those lyrics are more brutal than Trent Reznor's "Na Na Song".

Gladyce: Obec is a quaint place.

Doryce: yes it is.

Gladyce: a forest place. with secret underground roads and no traffic lights only stop signs.

Doryce: tons of accidents each year. not just from the old people.

Darrechi: the vaccine made me sterile, i swear. hey it's better than the whole the-condom-broke excuse.

Mardith: you're so cute, dama, when you get done watching a fascinating documentary, you thank Netflix personally on your Instagram.

Madame Pons: you gotta show it when you love it. Netflix calls me Ponny tho which is weird.

Mark Zuckerberg: what do you use on your face?

Sheryl Sandberg: water.

Mark: that's amazing. we're gonna get along, no bete noires here, we're both Bergs.

skin like a milkmaid: that's why the channel slipped during the football game.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Spike Jonze: sorry, Karen O, but you were just my Sofia Coppola stand-in.

Karen O: um, never tell that to a songwriter...

Eye Luggage: Aeon Flux and go.

Aeon Flux: yeah so i don't want Boris Johnson on my team. he left his trainers in my locker.

Dirg: i mean this thing gave me the fux. i tried for days to look it up on Los Movies but because of the diphthong of the Ae in Aeon Flux it kept registering that it didn't have the movie. i mean who knows how many OTHER fine films i've missed because the spelling wasn't exact. i HATE English!!!

Peter Chung: what could have been...

Takahashi: an honor, sir. *shakes synthetic hand*

Dirg: didn't you just copy Ghost In The Shell? and ironically you have the same problems as the ScarJo movie.

Peter: i was heavily influenced yes, lovingly influenced.........i mean i missed it by ONE YEAR! GITS came out ONE YEAR BEFORE!!! who knows who influenced whom in cyberspace? i came out with ALL this stuff. one thing Motoko never tackles is biopunks.

Philip K Dick: tru tru, not even I dealt with biopunks.

Pauly Shore: see? I didn't bankrupt MTV Films, Aeon Flux did!!!

Pauly: i get teary-eyed when i see all those spacemen in the movie aisles looking up at the screen in the beginning. MTV Films coulda been a thing, inspired more people to become astronauts than astronauts.

Karyn Kusama: not my fault, not Charlize's fault. this isn't a Costco. my vision was aligned with Pete's but the studio nixed it for their own brand of whatever the hell they were selling. a film about female empowerment, studios hate that.

Charlize Theron: i worked WAY too hard for this. worked my body out. so much so i ended up breaking my back on a stunt, i had to get a cyberspine implanted in me like Worf in that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode.  

Dirg: you worked your butt off and it showed in that thong. at least you didn't bronze your whole body for this one.

Eye Luggage: i LOVED the MTV cartoon! Aeon was my first heroine. saw it as a kid in the taboo hours of the night, it felt dangerous!

Nana Visitor: yeah but it went back to the old trope of the woman feeling sexual attraction for her rapist.

Bertie: tell me about it.

Darkwing Duck: still waiting for my movie to go dark.

Marton Csokas: my last name was around before millennials got their tiny hands on words. that is the correct spelling of Martin. i'm that guy who should have been Colin Farrell. instead of reduced to New Zealand soap operas and waiting for Legend of the Seeker to reboot. so what i never married!

Zealand: we wanted it for Chrsitian Eriksen so bad.

Jonny Lee Miller: i only did this cos Angelina Jolie was originally supposed to be Aeon. AND Motoko  but that's another story. i mean Charlize with the black hair KINDA looks like Angie. i would have done a jujitsu move to fake out the goalie for my penalty kick for England.

Sophie Okonedo: i don't need shoes. what do you use your shoes for? how can you run in those heels? those heels are only for the sex scenes.

Charlize: they're actually spikes which plant in the ground for all those tall spiky sweetgreen grass blade scenes.

Pete Postlethwaite: i'm that guy who you always think is in The Who...

Amelia Warner: i was a pretty young thing. i had a promising acting career ahead but when you marry Jamie Dornan you start getting into some weird shit.

Caroline Chikezie: i'm your favorite chick! hey remember Footballers' Wives!

Laertus: oh my god that was the best show ever! it made me love sports, well football anyway. the writing was so gloriously trashy! the way a soap should be, America! and that blonde woman as the lead was so scintillatingly evil i hope she won all the BAFTAs.

Eye: don't do a reboot with footy! keep a cool booty.  

Paterson Joseph: i'm the British Samuel L Jackson. Brazil winning the Gold Cup, it's just not the same.

Frances McDormand: finally i look hot in a movie!

Roger Federer: i told my wife it was nothing, i'm seeing Yangzom Brauen to see if she can activate me again. she's a handsome woman.

Laertus: this movie is a little TOO predictive. not predatory, Dirg. it's scary.

Dirg: it's creepy. psychic not psychiatrist.

Laertus: they missed the deadly pathogen that wipes out the world by only 10 years. 

Eye: but even then it was SCIENCE that saved the day.

Dirg: yeah right, Trevor Goodchild is Fauci with lasic surgery. and back surgery to straighten him up.

Steve Jobs: we already live in a technocracy, it's not so bad, right?

Boc: okay so i'm loving the lawns here. the lawns in this film are CLASS. not just the green but the hanging purple, too. i love the garden lawns at the beginning and even the deadly spiky blades of green goblin grass meant to kill in the middle. whoever maintains and manicures them is my kind of gardener.

Cuba: revolutions take time, counterrevolutions take centuries. we're finally getting around to it, okay? this is the future, right?

Eye: i felt more could have been done with the eye-grabbing-the-fly thing. make that a major feature, make that Aeon's prime weapon. make that fly so powerful it takes down the DNA dirigible.

Dirg: sexy transfer of information from tongue to tongue. but instead the bubblegum should be inserted in the vagina of the man.

Daniel Day-Lewis: i thought I was the last Monican. why wasn't i ever on Friends? i've been having nightmares, i shouldn't have quit.

Aeon: where am i? inside your brain?

Handler: it's as vast as a Minnesotan snow. tell me, does Fargo still exist?

Aeon: yes but nobody wants to live there.

Handler: just as well, they use laser-precision woodchipper cuts now. hickory only.

Utada Hikaru: this looks like one of my music videos.

Picard: that's not a boudoir curtain that's real rain. trust me. finally real Earl Grey in that tea kettle. i can tell, it's clear. that's what i'm looking at. the elephant-tusk spout of that glass kettle that's what caught my eye.

Anthony Bourdain: okay now THAT is a kitchen!!! that kitchen is CLASS. love the Zelda zigzag mountains wood-panel towers filled with water, like little ponds to bathe the exotic fruit, the pink pears and the orange bananas.  

Eye: you coulda just Men In Black'd the poor girl instead.

Trevor: you are my late wife Katherine.

Aeon: what happened to her? wait don't tell me or i won't be able to look you in the eye again. Goodchild, that's very 1984.

Aeon: if we're all clones what's the point of living?

Trevor: memories. wait that's humans, too.

Peter Chung: i mean Aeon and Trevor can fuck it's just right after Trevor cums Aeon has to kill him through the dick or something.

Laertus: contrary to this, the covid vaccine has made me horny. and wanting to get more tattoos...

Dirg: more?

Dirg: poor sap of the dead girl's husband just wanted to be an exotic gardener.

Boc: i wish. yeah doesn't work like that. believe me i've tried.

Codrus: that man was no Roman soldier!

Aeon: this is becoming way too Beauty and the Beast. the live-action soap. what was the point of all this cloning experimentation through the generations and the Fascist Communism?

Trevor: a crib. a baby crib, not MTV Cribs.

Oren: i mess everything up the way Morel Orel does.

Danzo smiles through his mummy bandages.

Aeon: they saw our sex? that's hot. they have a ceiling mirror, a kinky ceiling video-mirror, nice.

Dirg: that's why women are so successful, they can control an army of balls like that.

Aeon: what is this relic?

Keeper: are you referring to me? get me outta here! i don't want to sell tires anymore!

Dirg: so this movie happened cos everyone forgot what side they were on.

Dirg: see it all comes down to a woman's trust in her sister. men don't have that.

Charlize: for next time, remember, i look better with the Run Lola Run red hair. like Spider-Man.

Aeon: WHOA! the Garden of Eden DOES EXIST!

Yellow M&M: FINALLY I'M FREE!!!!! 

Mardith: yeah next time just ask to be the wallpaper-plasterer, you can do it girl!

Madame Pons: this was more of a glass sidewall.

Trevor: wait, will i ever see you again?

Katherine: as long as there's a Borders Books in the world...

Kim from North Korea: i enjoy your work. Mr. Chung.

Peter Chung: um.........thanks? 

Kim: i'm okay you'll see. g'night, folks.

Anthony Bourdain: Berlin, great place for a film. and a tv show.

Aeon Flux: the future isn't in flux! it's female! g'night, folks.

Eye Luggage: so call me weird but i...well...LIKED this film! as is! yeah i don't have to make excuses for it it's just good. i mean take the scene where Aeon explains her philosophy:

Aeon: we all have to die. we must die or none of what we do matters.

i mean that's LIFE right there! that's life explained right there. g'night, folks.

Cotard: so?

Codrus: so what?

Cotard: exactly. did you go inside?

Codrus: and then some.

Cotard: see this wasn't about ziplining into the enemy's base, it was ziplining into the inside of yourself.
Codrus: i know. i see that now. i saw it. i saw it, brother. i mean i saw HER. Mother. she was in my brain.

Cotard: was hoping she would be in your heart. what do you want me to say? is it easier if you're a mad god? would explain the universe better.

Codrus: i wasn't in the womb. brother, our mother, she didn't give birth to US, we gave birth to HER.