Rachel Nichols: Rule #1 in Journalism 101: never be the story. look i was just trying to get that guy a part in the new Space Jam. the hotels around here are like the Wimbledon hotels: closed for repairing the bubble. it's not a Village over here.
Roger Federer: the biggest humiliation came not when i lost but when i went back to my motel and lost the keys. there ARE no Wimbledon motels!
New Order: come on then, Engerland!!! this will be our only chance to use the tiny flatscreen tv we bought to attach to the hotel wall with one suction-cup. we did something we swore we'd never do: we all dyed our hair platinum-blonde with the part down the partial.
Jimmy Butler: i know heat when i see it. i told room service to take the night off.
Rachel Nichols: thank you i've always been proud of my red hair.
Jimmy: that's red?
Codrus: i wanna try something. i'm going to drink this can of red Coke and then you prick me with the vaccine.
Cotard: not cool, man, without Coke i'd be dead now.
Codrus: SEE?! it doesn't work!
Cotard: it only lasts a human lifetime, you're a god.
Cotard: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BROTHER?!!!
Codrus: putting on my Phrygian cap. the very first one. made of stone. sculpted stone with the ridges for the ball at the folded top. makes me a doctor of philosophy.
Cotard: you need an extra gallbladder? take mine.
Codrus: imma make these revolutionaries frigid like Waldo...
Cotard: don't do it, brother!!! don't scare the revolutionaries with your hopeless darkness. these people have earned the right to be charged with hope.
Codrus: if they're true revolutionaries they won't be scared off by a real ghost...
Manu Cornet: not Muse, you're still forgetting the band. i like my cob cold. not only am i a friend to bats, i played a batman who was a bat caregiver and covid-gatekeeper. i actually went to Princeton. i play the horn from my country in the Deep Space Nine theme. of course i quit, i know the fate of French cartoonists just trying to have fun like the rest of us.
Jada: tonight on the Red Circle Table: how to get over your ex with X and get over on the producers and still get paid...
Doryce: Gladyce dear don't put wet paper towels in the recycle box.
Gladyce: sorry dear it's become a trigger habit now.
Hinchinbrook Island: Hitchcock's final film about a hunchback was filmed here. Disney later used the lost Hitchcock dailies for their animated film.
lightning screw: we're there at the first sign of hurricane. when Stanley doesn't need to move his old bones off the lounger. we beat Mike Tyson first.
Churchgate: we got an Anglican church, too! the south entrance finally went through.
Berrettini: i don't have tattoos but i drink coffee like a man.
Kraka: Iceland's Smith Island
Mardith: Dirg, next time you see a woman walk down the street don't assume she's dumb. think of Catherine Keener, the mom in Where The Wild Things Are, this woman on the street who doesn't wear a thong is a single mom, she's raised children, she knows what's up, she knows what life is, she gets it, she gets your lame jokes about life.
milkwalker: i ate Max Kellerman. i'm from Milwaukee. i hand out the milk cards now.
Shapovalov: i'm dating Lola from Run Lola Run...
Kurt Cobain: i love crocs
Bing Crosby: i was ACAB and BLM before anyone in Hollywood. i smoked the first clove. i ate the first vegan pork rind.
Dirg: the thing is, sent is worse than seen.
Obama: i know i'm not supposed to play favorites, but i'm rooting for Denmark...
Hamlet: something is rooten in the state of Denmark.
Alfred E Neuman: you know the face on the Carl's Jr star? that's me.
Laertus's dad: i'm not black but i am black. black with depression.
Dr Stone Senku: turns out the land we were on the whole time was Cuba...
CDC: everyone talks about pee in the pool but only Caddyshack and we are talking about poo in the pool.
Cardassians: and us. CDC stands for Cardassians.
CDC: we, wee, get it? we're sponsoring NBC on their efforts to get '80s American Gladiators back on the air.
Pete Davidson at Wimbledon: only i can make an expression like this. i can't promise you much, all i can say is i learned everything from Snoop Dogg...
Phoebe Dynevor: we're clever. but we're not clever enough to outrun the police...
PigWizard: the greatest trick the Pig Wizard ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. want some Communist Cola?
The Spirits Within: it wasn't our fault Square Pictures went under! this film came out right before 9/11!!!
Elsa: *"Wild Ones" by Ollie Wride in the background* Disney can't solve your problems. there's no happy ending in real life. it's not my fault it got demolished.
Laertus: not cool, Sonic. the dark Indian gets flanked on either side by two white guys, the whole thing leaves me shook and uncomfortable.
J Jonah Jameson: i don't have a coat. i don't have a cat. i have a vest. that i wear barechested to play the bongos. why did you call me for Santa time?
Dirg: ooooooh, the Old Spice Man is cheating on his wife. i don't blame him, it's with Patti LaBelle's daughter.
Taco Bell: have we done a commercial with Patti LaBelle yet? musta.
Dirg: Luca came out as gay just to promote the film?
Doncic: talk to my dad.
Mental Miles: Tour de France should do this AND women.
Flatura: it's a beautiful name. but it also sounds like...
mime in a mine: ...
butterfly: fly away then. and i'll see you on the other side.
Target: remember when i had black-and-white photos of every gyro on my food court walls?
Phoenix: from now on call me Galeem.
Dream On: we're Dr. Stone in real life.
Laertus's dad: that Dream On finale was emotional for me. i cried. and not just cos it was a wedding.
Frankenstein: the perfect man cannot be shown.
Jerry Seinfeld: WAY better than our finale. our finale was too long.
Dirg: you know how you know a girl is seeing someone? she DOESN'T strike up a long conversation with you on Instagram DM.
Raducanu: take a breath, world. i am Nirvana when everyone was expecting Mudhoney.
The Pope: now it's time for all of YOU to kiss ME instead. what doctor do i get for my delicate procedure?
cardinal next-in-line from NYC: Michael Jackson's doctor. don't worry, it'll all be over soon, you won't feel a thing.
The Pope: oh well. i'll find out once and for all. i am CERTAIN Jesus was really Mary Magdalene...
Tuca & Bertie: our take on the Batman The Animated Series Red Episode.
Takahashi: never examine a Big Mac like it's a gourmet burger.
Doryce at The Store: i found an old-fashioned donut with two devil-horns for glaze, i ate it, it was a sign.
Cronuts: that was me.
Dirg: i buy a big bucket of ribs and there's a warning label telling me 2000 calories is the limit. damn government's got us living in 1984.
JD Vance: i'm doing all this despite wearing Vans shoes cos i'm still salty over the Oscars.
FAA: gotta get back on that horse. not that plane.
Jack Dorsey: i hate Twitter. the only reason i open my Twitter tab each morning is to check to see if the planet still exists. if people are still standing in the world. if their billions and billions of stupid inane dangerous ramblings prove consciousness. prove heartbeats.
Dirg: yeah so i really don't like photo dumps. photo dumps are lazy.
Eye Luggage: what we were talking about again?
Laertus's dad: i have to learn when it comes to being a television writer that one man cannot be the whole studio.
Eye: or one woman.
Laertus's dad: it takes an entire studio of billions and billions of people to produce a single episode of Deep Space Nine.
Eye Luggage: Where The Wild Things Are and go.
Maurice Sendak: YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL!!!
Laertus: Dirg did you read the book?
Dirg: shut up.
Laertus: greatest crayon work of all time.
Dirg: tru tru can't hate i won't front for my man Harold. my pops burned this book in front of me.
Eye: you should have imagined the fire in the middle of the monster island.
Carol: everyone thought i was the girl monster.
Dirg: yeah but dude, like, what are you? what kind of monster are you. you don't look like any animal on Earth.
Carol: i'm like if a lion took bath salts.
Dirg: bath salts, covid vaccine, same thing.
Spike Jonze: this is actually my proper response to Lost In Translation. wasn't speedy, more like a Black Mirror nightmare. i only had my beagle to comfort me when i slept with his thunder-vest on. the studio wouldn't allow me to express my true vision. i know it costs but do you know who i am? without me there would be no music videos. no skateboarding. no Beastie Boys. no understanding what Bjork meant and what Christopher Walken said.
Marcel: i'm not one of the monsters where's David Schwimmer? come out, David, I WANT TO SPEAK TO DAVE SCHWIMMER!!!
Tom Hanks: i have the very-first vinyl record ever. yep, you guessed it, it's 37 seconds of Sterling Holloway's voice as it was just cracking from puberty...
Dirg: i always wanted to be Max. cos i always wanted to wear furry pajamas.
Mardith: that explains a lot.
Dirg: they don't actually say what Max has. is he autistic, spastic, an incel, crazy? or just a nerd.
Max: give me a break. how about a young scared sensitive lonely boy going through growing pains afraid of losing his mom? sure, a book nerd. you gotta be more tender in life, guy. i tried out for the part of Pearl Jam's Jeremy but i still collected their vinyls after.
Disney: we should have just made a pure animated movie of this.
Jeff Goldblum: yeah but back then you didn't have my 6G.
Dirg's mom: son you CANNOT watch this! this isn't for you!
Dirg: MOM?!!! is that you?!!! is that really you?!!!
Dirg's mom: it's a film ABOUT childhood, it's not a kid's film!
Olympics: thanks to you, we're in a state of emergency! if you hadn't filmed in Australia we would have done the Olympics down there!
Catherine Keener: um, my name is Connie. i'm known as Mom in the credits...
Laertus's dad: my mom's a Connie, too.
Mark Ruffalo: i'm a ruffian. my sole purpose of existence is to make sure the audience knows for one second that the mom's name is Connie.
Pepita Emmerichs: i'm not an actor. i like sweeter Mexican 7-Up even tho it still doesn't have caffeine. i went to Navy, i like pink crocs. i'm here to get my band signed. i look up to Karen O and want to be her one day.
Karen O: yeah that's great kid just don't take what's mine. that's MY job. yeah yeah yeah Spike and i dated and fucked for awhile, we mucked it up a bit, but it wasn't about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs being on the soundtrack. i genuinely loved that manlet, he was the perfect kept boy. i mean look at him! look how short and cute he is!!! i wrapped him around my pretzel legs and squirted mustard all over his body during the Canyon of Heroes in NYC and no one noticed.
Steve Mouzakis: i was doing my best Carl Sagan at the Hollywood Bowl accent to make the hard lesson go down easier with kids so they wouldn't freak out and tell their parents on me.
the crew's kids on set: you never give us kids enough credit. we know life sucks when we're born.
Lauren Ambrose: i'm playing Major Motoko in the next Ghost In The Shell...no i'm not THAT redhead with the sex tape.
Michelle Williams: i can do a smoky voice! i played Marilyn Monroe for fuck sake!
Fran Drescher: yeah i mean why wasn't my voice used in this? i've been told countless times by Harvey i sound like a monster since i started in this business.
Chris Cooper: my character was the first one cast for the porn version...
Forest Whitaker: i wanted to be a Dog-like Wild Thing. we need representation when we're talking about starting over clean on an island, which is coming soon...
Catherine O'Hara: keep the Emmy. keep the strawberry gin. don't be a gashole. i just want to fuck Forest Whitaker in the forest.
Paul Dano: this is why i became a comedian, to be the G.O.A.T.
The Bull: what you said to me, i took that personally. i won't say a word, you'll just see me coming down the lane like a train silently dunking on your ass next game.
Alice Parkinson: i was the first one to find the cure. i don't know which one is more beloved, this one or the Borg Queen.
Laertus: if you hadn't stomped on the poor boy's snow fort this wouldn't be a movie. proud? don't answer that, Dirg.
Dirg: i just want to be a boy. i just want to be a bully.
Laertus: you just want to fit in.
Dirg: who cares about dates when you can talk to a wall.
Claire: you didn't have to eat my goldfish! i was saving that for my first boyfriend!
Max: Claire, brothers and sisters shouldn't fight. i'll forgive you if you believe me.
Claire: the dog talked to you?
Dirg: this is why i don't trust teachers. that teacher has one HELL of a dank lesson going on there. dank presentation. the sun will eventually explode? all life will cease to exist? then what's the point of living at all?
Pee-wee Herman: good thing i built this rocket, heehee. but it only fits one, nananananana.
Garrison Keillor: frozen corn IS corn.
Eye: poor sad boy, i just want to cover him in my arms. Mom coulda used lava-hot red sauce for the corn to make up.
Dirg: why'd he bite her tho? that was kinda hot.
Oral spinbrush: ...
Eye: convenient boat just happens to be there.
Laertus: my boy Max goes on a treacherous sea journey. i mean those are Clooney-sized waves. he almost didn't make it. had to drink ocean water.
Popeye: and rub the head of a pea.
Dirg: with a pee-device he built. see? boys like him are underestimated and dismissed. but he's such a clever boy!
Dirg: see that's clever! making himself king like Bump before anyone questions. how can the monsters bounce off the trees like that? either they are made of rubber or the trees are...
Pee-wee: the trees are made of glue...
KW: yes it's me, Arthur's sister. i had a rough preadolescence. i wear all-white and was a wolf before Djokovic...
Max: I DECLARE THE RUMPUS!
Carol: is that like The Purge? The Purge for kids? i grew up a fat boy in the mafia but that's rough.
Max: oh and by the way, the Rumpus is also the name of this wolf costume i'm wearing.
Louise Belcher: yeah about that.........i did this whole thing first.
Max: tear up your milk cards! now go and try out for the Philadelphia Eagles!
Chris Cooper: i win. i have red hair.
Max: you crushed me dead, the end, next time use a thunder-vest.
Eye: imitating the mother's womb. on Indian soil.
Carol: and those models floating on the pond are the Kubrick Toys articulateds we hope to sell at Comic Con. there will be no models there. and no Kubrick. and no broom.
Max: the most important thing when building a new World is a soda fountain.
Senku: and Sanka dry coffee.
Spike Jonze: i'm shy, so when it came time for me to do a voice i did two owls who are unintelligible yet whose squawks possess and unlock the secrets of the universe.
Dirg: you can't resolve disputes between people who are trying to eat you.
Carol: YOU CRUSHED MY SKULL!
KW: i thought that was a dirt clod. you are brown.
Carol: what's that supposed to mean?
Alexander: hi. i'm the atheist of the group.
Carol: EVERYONE GET OVER HERE! GET DOWN! THE FUCKING COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY! THEY BUSTED US WITH THE VEGETATION!!!
Douglas: holy SHIT my blood was sand this whole time! sand like a lucid waking dream. i'm Gaara. now i know how to defat the enemy cos i know what it's like to be controlled by puppets.
Eye: and suddenly this becomes Attack on Titan. Max hiding safe in the Freudian stomach of his mother:
Carol: i want to eat you, Max. i pretend you're two oysters dipped in rich sauce...
KW: you promise not to temper-tantrum again?
Max: yes. at least until i'm old enough to get a car i'll drive into the water.
Max: i'm leaving. and i'm leaving you this note, you can read?
Carol: no i can write but not read.
Max: the story is about vampires being a futile cause...
Carol: TAKE ME WTH YOU! there's no such thing as glue which can close a hole! i want to play video-game arcade cabinets!
Chuck E Cheese: yeah you monsters stole my act!!!
Takahashi: but the video game of this sucked.
The Bull: take me with you. i'm gonna be a motivational speaker on land. this is urgent! we all know Tony Robbins needs replacing NOW!!!
Max: what's for dinner?
Mom: frozen corn.
Max: fuck.
Mom: max n cheese tomorrow. you know why i fell asleep watching you eat? i just wanted to get my car fixed and three separate mechanics hit on me.
Max: sorry, mom, let me take the car out tomorrow...
Dirg's mom: the toys for this are atrocious! one of the toys is the ripped-out right arm of Douglas! Dirg you are NOT getting that skateboard! it has a picture of a goat's head on it!
Mardith, Madame Pons, Eye Luggage, and crones: WE LOVE THAT THE SKATEBOARDS ARE ONLY FOR GIRLS!!!
Tony Hawk: Spike Jonze is what i would have become if i never skated. i would have lived in Brooklyn. i auditioned for the bird Wild Thing.
Carol: i was a monster instead of a mobster. the word bewilderment contains the word wild, don't think of bewilderment as a bad thing, think of it as a wild thing. g'night, folks.
Cotard: so what happened?
Codrus: the Phrygian cap scared them off. scared them all, no more revolutionaries. they all chickened out when they learned they would actually have to die for their cause.
Cotard: not easy to forfeit one's life. oh come on TAKE THAT CAP OFF! it still has the Redskins logo on it!
Codrus: yeah i know, like in the movie River's Edge, back when times were better.
Cotard: the revolution will return. it'll be back, trust me. people always gain strength after being tired.
Boc: *playing Rygar* that cap is quite intimidating tho. looks like a deflated penis.
Codrus: now if you'll excuse me i have a Finnish speedskating event to attend in this.
Boc: Finland, a much happier place than America.
Codrus: i wanna go back in the womb.
Cotard: oh no not this again. you still think our mother is real?
Codrus: i want France to be a woman...
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