TMIT: LET'S DO THIS, LUCY. MOVE THE BEDS TOGETHER.

 

didn't know it at the time but watching I Love Lucy led me to Karnov...

HEY! NEVER TAKE WIMBLEDON FOR GRANTED AGAIN!!! right? the fact that it EXISTS, that i'm watching it on my screen right now at this time, is a blessing. how did i live before witnessing that funky Madison Brengle serve?

1. what's the most stressful thing in your life right now?

finishing my movie. nobody wants to do it. don't blame them, it's for free. time is money. lookin like i'm gonna have to take on all the parts myself and turn this thing into one giant filmed monologue.

2. true or false: the best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new:

dunno but that is FABULOUS WORDPLAY. sure of course it is. problem is i only seem to take a fancy to married women. it's like if you're single and available you're uninteresting to me. the thrill of the hunt is gonna get me killed.

3. is rebound sex empowering or does it leave you feeling lonelier?

you're gonna be lonely anyway so you might as well get the 5-minute reprieve and feeling of ecstasy from the orgasm. WARNING: does not work if you're fucking Sonic the Hedgehog

4. would you rather watch porn every night forever or never watch porn again?

i want to DIRECT. direct porn. i want to write it. in case the whole legitimate filmmaking thing doesn't work out. i'm still in it, i'm still in the game, i'm still dreaming of doing a porn that combines the filthiest of sex scenes with the epic grandeur, expansive cinematography, and flowery dialogue of Gone With The Wind.

5. would you rather go to bed alone forever or share a bed with someone forever?

it doesn't matter. whatever i do i will be depressed. the depression will never leave me. i could win an Oscar, be depressed the next day. i could finally go on a Wimbledon date, an SNL date!!! the depression would be there to greet me next morning. i could marry Sasha Grey, Maiara Walsh, or Jillian Clare, be depressed the night after the honeymoon. i don't care what they say, life is not meant to be lived alone. humans are social creatures even if you're a loner who listens to Nine Inch Nails. your overpriced oceanside Miami Reiki-ist empath with the crystals by the seashore is WRONG. you're supposed to find happiness within, inner tranquility, you're not supposed to need anyone to find happiness. you can go it alone, be happy alone. in fact that's the perfect happiness, the most stable happiness. i'm here to tell you that that is impossible. you need someone. everyone needs someone.

BONUS: would you rather your mom or your ex set up and run your dating apps?

i want my mom arranging my sex encounters, she has a knack for picking out just the right mattress, the most comfy mattress. she promised me she wouldn't go back to the MyPillow Guy.

i want my ex handling all the personality quizzes. for a match we must do two things: see a local production of Fiddler On The Roof, and do Noom together.

and i want my priest weeding out all that sticky religion stuff. weeding out for the wedding. my priest in the Confessional booth used black magic to divine that my soul mate would be an atheist...

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