notes:
* Baffert: i'm baffled
* Chad Norman: please talk to me. in any form.
* Laertus: looks like the trash recycle men and women went on strike, generalized strike like GAD. that's cool, good for them, i support them, i don't mind waiting.
Dirg: the reason everyone's bins along our block are still at the curb today is everyone forgot about Memorial Day, SHAME!!!
Mardith: i hate the word bois
* Danielle Collins: next Mother's Day's gonna be different for me...
* John Legend: hi, we're Chrissy Teigen and her husband. i am here to be the father figure for the country, you can trust me when it comes to vaccines, vacation homes, and Vrbo. i am the nicest man in the world. i mean i'll give you the shirt off my back. i will put your deepest darkest unsung pain in song with my piano. then i'll put it on vinyl and give it to you, one-copy vinyl! this is a hidden-camera show where we reunite people who haven't hugged since the pandemic. like imagine Punk'd but nice. imagine my Super Bowl partner Ashton Kutcher but i was the one hawking Tostitos.
* woman 1: we're doing a podcast.
woman 2: everyone does a podcast. how will we stand out?
woman 1: we'll do it in a garage. it'll be two women. it'll be in San Francisco not the city but the hills.
* you don't have diabetes, you have STRESS
* fat man: hi. have you seen Jake? i'd like to order the quadruple burger.
waitress: you sure?
fat man: i checked my glucose it's fine.........for today.
* with Apple, you won't be tracked by any undesirables. Instagram models with a butt knowing your weight is okay tho.
* i for one join any black man who wears a pink cat sweater in public. more power to you, brother.
* buxom woman in powdered wig: i am gonna faint, that chicken is naked!
urban modern youth: the problem here is not what order the Naked Chicken Chalupa ingredients go down but rather everyone here is wearing a powdered wig. where does this powder come from?
Aristocracy: Chipotle.
youth: exactly. you're flaunting it to be patriarchal and gilded. put that stuff on your face, enter the Visage Nightclub in Florida, and be the first goths to go AGAINST society.
buxom: what came first? the chicken or the egg? the egg cos it's naked.
* Jamie from Progressive: can i PLEASE be in a commercial with McKayla Maroney? she's not old to me still! I'LL BE THE FRISBEE!!!
* it's Invincible but live-action! which is basically Game of Thrones in capes.
* football son: dad, don't make me cry. we're out here on the field in front of my teammates. this is my future.
dad: the best ads make you cry, son, that's part of growing up. you got hands, son.
son: yeah i swap them to fight all my bullies, dad.
dad: you can be a brain surgeon. you don't have to be an athlete unless you own the team.
son: but isn't there just one Michael Jordan?
dad: Jordan got lucky with Kerr and Pax. * Charles Barkley: i mean i'm advertising golf now. i SUCK at golf and i'm advertising golf. it's like Glass Joe advertising boxing.
* man: when i dance i sway like Washed Out in "Floating By" and i look like Moral Orel.
* grandma hugging granddaughter: see all the colores in the viento? when you see the trees, the wind, the redwood forests, that is ME in nature form loving you from afar, i am dead, nina.
girl: don't make me cry in front of the plants, vieja, i have a reputation to maintain, i have a hard exterior like this bark.
* Snoop: time is money. money is time. spilt milk on a lottery ticket should still buy an HBCU and playground in the inner city. don't make them all asphalt, make them green.
* damp weight: what happens after the shakeweight. New Age enlightenment in your pubic area.
TOMORROW:
MUNDO'S!!! i want to try their sandwiches since forever. ironically for a name like The World the place is so tiny you can't find it on a map, it's littler than a house inside a closet on the wide-open prairie. when you go in you want to start bowling. they have a Mediterranean sandwich that has Italian meats soaked in Venice canal water, brings out the spice.
BELMONT BET:
eight horses? EIGHT HORSES!!! that's how many that Popeye metalclang horse teacup tin electric game has.
Frances de la Tour: my horse of course of course is France Go de Ina. we named it after how it was conceived upstairs from a Parisian cafe. do not compare my looks. when i was in Turin i saw a very specific horse there which i'll explain next week, this horse left my mind in shatters, it was in this fragile state that i auditioned for Harry Potter when i knew better. there WILL be a Season 3 of Vicious so shut up all you dumb Facebook bitches.
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