Friday, June 4, 2021




* Baffert: i'm baffled

* Chad Norman: please talk to me. in any form.

* Laertus: looks like the trash recycle men and women went on strike, generalized strike like GAD. that's cool, good for them, i support them, i don't mind waiting.
Dirg: the reason everyone's bins along our block are still at the curb today is everyone forgot about Memorial Day, SHAME!!!
Mardith: i hate the word bois

* Danielle Collins: next Mother's Day's gonna be different for me...

* John Legend: hi, we're Chrissy Teigen and her husband. i am here to be the father figure for the country, you can trust me when it comes to vaccines, vacation homes, and Vrbo. i am the nicest man in the world. i mean i'll give you the shirt off my back. i will put your deepest darkest unsung pain in song with my piano. then i'll put it on vinyl and give it to you, one-copy vinyl! this is a hidden-camera show where we reunite people who haven't hugged since the pandemic. like imagine Punk'd but nice. imagine my Super Bowl partner Ashton Kutcher but i was the one hawking Tostitos.

* woman 1: we're doing a podcast.
woman 2: everyone does a podcast. how will we stand out?
woman 1: we'll do it in a garage. it'll be two women. it'll be in San Francisco not the city but the hills.

* you don't have diabetes, you have STRESS

* fat man: hi. have you seen Jake? i'd like to order the quadruple burger.
waitress: you sure?
fat man: i checked my glucose it's fine.........for today.

* with Apple, you won't be tracked by any undesirables. Instagram models with a butt knowing your weight is okay tho.

* i for one join any black man who wears a pink cat sweater in public. more power to you, brother.

* buxom woman in powdered wig: i am gonna faint, that chicken is naked!
urban modern youth: the problem here is not what order the Naked Chicken Chalupa ingredients go down but rather everyone here is wearing a powdered wig. where does this powder come from?
Aristocracy: Chipotle.
youth: exactly. you're flaunting it to be patriarchal and gilded. put that stuff on your face, enter the Visage Nightclub in Florida, and be the first goths to go AGAINST society.
buxom: what came first? the chicken or the egg? the egg cos it's naked.

* Jamie from Progressive: can i PLEASE be in a commercial with McKayla Maroney? she's not old to me still! I'LL BE THE FRISBEE!!!

* it's Invincible but live-action! which is basically Game of Thrones in capes.

* football son: dad, don't make me cry. we're out here on the field in front of my teammates. this is my future.
dad: the best ads make you cry, son, that's part of growing up. you got hands, son.
son: yeah i swap them to fight all my bullies, dad.
dad: you can be a brain surgeon. you don't have to be an athlete unless you own the team.
son: but isn't there just one Michael Jordan?
dad: Jordan got lucky with Kerr and Pax.  

* Charles Barkley: i mean i'm advertising golf now. i SUCK at golf and i'm advertising golf. it's like Glass Joe advertising boxing.

* man: when i dance i sway like Washed Out in "Floating By" and i look like Moral Orel.

* grandma hugging granddaughter: see all the colores in the viento? when you see the trees, the wind, the redwood forests, that is ME in nature form loving you from afar, i am dead, nina.
girl: don't make me cry in front of the plants, vieja, i have a reputation to maintain, i have a hard exterior like this bark.

* Snoop: time is money. money is time. spilt milk on a lottery ticket should still buy an HBCU and playground in the inner city. don't make them all asphalt, make them green.

* damp weight: what happens after the shakeweight. New Age enlightenment in your pubic area.


happy weekend, my babies


MUNDO'S!!! i want to try their sandwiches since forever. ironically for a name like The World the place is so tiny you can't find it on a map, it's littler than a house inside a closet on the wide-open prairie. when you go in you want to start bowling. they have a Mediterranean sandwich that has Italian meats soaked in Venice canal water, brings out the spice.


eight horses? EIGHT HORSES!!! that's how many that Popeye metalclang horse teacup tin electric game has. 

Frances de la Tour: my horse of course of course is France Go de Ina. we named it after how it was conceived upstairs from a Parisian cafe. do not compare my looks. when i was in Turin i saw a very specific horse there which i'll explain next week, this horse left my mind in shatters, it was in this fragile state that i auditioned for Harry Potter when i knew better. there WILL be a Season 3 of Vicious so shut up all you dumb Facebook bitches.


No comments: