Wednesday, June 23, 2021


Cotard: the trick is to be seen but not get seened.

Codrus: this is never gonna work, brother. i've won from the start.
Cotard: not necessarily this time, brother. there's a crack in your skull.

the revolutionaries are getting rowdier. the din cracks into a crackling crescendo outside. Cotard can hear the pitterpatter of little pebbles being thrown at the unfair cop shields as if they were a stone dusty from centuries of pent-up heat.
Cotard: hell! the Stones Themselves! this is a once-in-a-lifetimes opportunity, brother.
Codrus: to see how the other half loses?
Cotard: for the first time it's the monks who are taking the lead. in this country the monks have such power over the land with their spiritual power they are more powerful than any president or fake leader. 
Codrus: yeah but can the monks FIGHT?! can they throw down! box! ring a nose?!!!

Cotard gently puts on his sash and turns it around his belly. his rather food-filled belly.
Cotard: that's what i'm gonna find out. what i'm made of. there's only so much you can do with a book. how do i look?

Codrus: i don't look at men! buy a mirror!
Cotard: are both sandals on the right foot? i'm not gonna test my homemade spear out just yet, i want to take the temperature of the room first, outside.

the two monks have just started work on their new home together. it's gonna be a stone place on the outskirts of town.
Cotard: place not palace. not too gaudy, especially in these times. i would say more Greek than Roman.
Codrus: YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE, CABRON. Roman is our blood despite your unfailing denials. we were meant to be eternal space time warriors! 
Cotard: by whom? on whose authority? who decides this?
Codrus: mom.
Cotard: come now you don't still believe in mom, do you? our destiny is ours alone.

Codrus: there's help i know it. and what about this mess?
Cotard: o you mean..........?

Jena Friedman: i was shocked. the country cops had my Instagram on lockdown, on private. i mean he was a rotten man but everyone uses McAfee software for their viruses without even thinking about it. he was the only person i ever DM'd with. i don't even DM with my boyfriend! my last text to him was:

are you still alive?

i can't deal with this. i'm a comedian, it's all jokes, you know? life is supposed to be jokes. witty acerbic jokes. it can't get too real or the act is ruined. i hope i didn't drive him to anything, all women should drive now for fuck sake it's now. was it something i said? did? realization hits hard in the instant like ramen. he still shouldn't have pulled a gun on me tho that was not cool.

Codrus: Julianna Zobrist? wasn't me. it's always the Christian evangelical blondes. Zeta shadow work.
Byron: it was me of course. i'm a fucking epic poet! i get all the religious nuts waving their King James Bible Versions in my nuts. those blondes are perky, she was not sleepy in my boudoir bed.
LeBron: don't see Space Jam for me, see it to see the Clockwork Orange sequel.
Dirg: and fucking like tame bunnies. maybe this will get baseball back to big business and America's pastime. when you're broke don't go woke, go soap opera.

Jacqui Jeras on the Weather Channel set:
Jacqui: my body is amazing. like a tightly-wound spring-mounted spring toy in summer. 

Shailene Woodley: Aaron Rodgers and i got through the sticky bits first. not sex, quarantine tape.
Aaron Rodgers: baseball doesn't have the sticky stuff anymore, the two of us got all of it they sent it to us.

Roger Federer to Rafael Nadal : STOP COPYING ME!!! you even WEIGH the same as me!!!

Tour De France: the women's tournament will not include S&M whips and pleaser boots on pedals.

Jennifer Esposito: if you're a celebrity, especially a babe celebrity, you need a team of 15 patrolling your Instagram immediately blocking at the first whiff of strange comments.

Chelsea Handler: i don't need a handler.

Doryce to Gladyce: dear don't serve the melon immediately after i shave. i shaved my head and don't want to get hair bits on the slice.
Gladyce: i gotta watch my spell fingers with this melon-baller.
Doryce: give me the melonballer when you're done, i wanna try something.

Gladyce: spaghetti with chili just hits different. it's just different from tomato sauce.

Tyzik: if you're drinking zero-calorie zero-caffeine diet soda, you're drinking weird water.

BB Easton: stands for Big Balls. i get ALL the cotton candy i want for free.

Jimmy Dean: i did not authorize my sausage to be plant-based!!! i'm JIMMY FUCKING DEAN goddammit!!!

Ricky Ullman: time travel is always useless in fiction. if i could go back and create the country of Palestinia 100 years ago i would. Julia Pott and i quarantined together at Summer Camp Island. she does all the work now, she skateboards, she gleams the cube, i drink mostly. if it seems i'm laying it on thick i'm hungry. haven't eaten anything in days. my syrup shipment hasn't come in yet on this godforsaken island. where are the people! all i see are cartoon animals on this deserted dump! i once had bagels with Eddie Munster and Michael J Fox.

Julia Pott: i bought myself a skateboard for my birthday.

Mike Lazzo: will you adult-swim facebookers shut the fuck up already?!!! i got you more Korgoth!!! the caveman in Primal is Korgoth!!!

Fuerza: normal humans, in order to survive you must go out. doesn't have to be to a strip club in Paris, it can be going out to dinner with friends. but you must go out or you'll end up going out prematurely.

Utah Jazz: we're Mormon but we really need to believe in Harry Potter more.

Gladyce to Doryce at The Store: dear get two Fabreze misters for Mardith's bathroom.
Doryce: i love misters, i love men.
Gladyce: our poor sexy stripper dear is too busy to care about her smell. Mardith poos bless her but she doesn't care about it after.

Takahashi: my only napkins are fast-food brown napkins.

Wakatobi: inside the menacing Madara is the high voice of a scared little boy named Tobi.

Laertus: are you still taking those little white pills?
Dirg: Coca Cola Tic Tacs, i swear.

Dirg: sorry Takahashi, 5 fat bald guys holding video-game controllers is not sports.

Allison: i was stokked being a pole-vaulter. i used the pole at Berkeley for college not to be a stripper. Golden Bears not that Golden-Bear stripper service. but the internet made me into a stripper.

the Promised Neverland kids: yay! we made it! we're free!
Dirg: oh come on! of course you're in frickin' New York City!
Isabella: we're gonna end up like Cassie from Skins.
Fuerza: i like that Mother.

My Hero Academia: like holding on when you're feeling down, Season 5 gets better...

John Travolta: my favorite music video of all time isn't Sting's "Fragile". it's actually "Travolta" by Mr. Bungle.

Fuerza: you'll only meet your soul mate at night. at a late-night party. at the Taco Bell drivethru at night. at a play, musical, film at night. but it has to be at night. night is when the magic happens.

Julia Pott: in L.A. ALL the parties are costume parties, not just the Halloween parties.

Gates McFadden: how did i prepare for my episode of Dream On? i rewatched The Exorcist. Dream On was a beautiful little show, it was this little space of 17-minute slice that was so intimate cos no one knew about it, you could put on your tiny one-act play in that box of four cramped walls. that show was Seinfeld with sex.
Dirg: Twin Towers still up. Dragonslayer (1981) poster still up on the office wall.
Eye Luggage: you did that racy role in the middle of your run as Dr Beverly Crusher! you go girl, youse a bad bitch.
Laertus: this was an era back when people still believed in and cherished books. worshipped books. book signings were a big deal. people thought of Waldenbooks as Disneyland. people found their soul mate at a bookstore. my dad told me all about it.
Madame Pons: if i had had cable back then i would have watched Dream On instead of Seinfeld!!!

owl: not cool dude. sup bird. you put the key in my eye to open the human world?!!!
The Promised Neverland kids: we all got a happy ending. we all watched Hamilton together...

Janet Malcolm: i left the world shook. i was never in the middle. i spun Charlotte's web with tungsten not gold.

Dirg: jokes, there are no more jokes.

Adrien Brody: i'm here to clean up Hollywood.

Boc: Pride Day?
Amazon: no, Prime Day.
Boc: i want to have a queerplatonic relationship with you but it's hard to strike just the right gradated balance.

Dream On: how did we collect all those billions of black-and-white clips and footage? our library was the original Library of Alexandria. 

Dewar's: try our 15-year-old. it's not what you think.

Madame Pons: Mardith dear it's good to only get into a relationship with someone who has done the shadow work. the inner leg work. but don't fall into that trap of blaming the other for your romantic woes.

Takahashi: sometimes Instagram is the only space you'll ever have to say goodbye to someone dear.

Jerry Seinfeld: they filmed Dream On in the same building they filmed Seinfeld. i was floor-neighbors with that guy.........i WAS Martin Tupper from a different angle of light.

Hellucinate: we still haven't conquered Codrus.

Dirg: an Instagram pic is the only time you can show your face anymore!!!

Dirg: the new GrubHub commercial, the woman slaps the man's ass with a dirty dishrag, i like it it's progressive...

Dirg: OH COME ON! Loki is already copying Doctor Who with all the forms and now there's ALREADY a female form?!!!
Fauci: variants. trust the science, don't be like Jon "Muskrat" Stewart.

Dirg: see? Ariel Winter and i are soulmates, we both have a mouthguard and take antidepressants.
Mardith: good on you for not staring at her tits. remember, Dirg, self-care means therapy.

Boc: i'm gonna need Hydro Mousse if i'm gonna get the Wimbledon courts ready in time.

Jon Rahm: everything happens for a reason. i dropped the bomb on you, sports media.

Pieds Libres: be your feet. own how you walk. walk like a bird. Caroline in the city, Marty McFly's mom really married Cedric Pioline. 

Dirg: walking the dragon? 
Mardith: not your cock, Dirg, it's a yoga move.
Bruce Lee: i've been doing that yoga move all wrong my whole life.

de Blasio: it's not a mayoral race it's Survivor.
NYC: Survivor sucks!!! it was only good the first season!
de Blasio: what are your top 5 favorite pizza toppings?

Bertie: i was the bird who landed on Bernie's podium. i made a nest in his beard. i'm a bird who likes beer. a Coors chickadee. it's not a vaginal rash, i'm too depressed to sing.

Mardith: i want to go to that place in Paris...what's it called?......
Dirg: whorehouse?
Mardith: the Giant Grey Folding Book.
Madame Pons: the Arc de Triomphe. 
Mardith: yeah no the book.

Isarah: we make the mulch for the space goats.

Julia Pott sees the Grinch on a Hollywood hill smoking pot.

Wolfgang Puck: you like soup?
Ariana Grande: yes.
Wolfgang: what is 1 + 1? what are your favorite brands?
Ariana: Campbell's. that's it. do you know how to sing?
Wolfgang: i sang to escape my childhood, i was the real-life Ingemar from My Life As A Dog.
Ariana: that is so sad. but i still won't be your chef, now gimme back my rolling pin.

Lorde: think of my cheeky album cover as Catwoman getting lapped in reverse.

Laertus's dad: you're not truly playing Dungeons & Dragons till you're playing it in a Pizza Hut in the '80s with prog-rock playing on the jukebox in the back. any will do, Asia, Yes...
Takahashi: Maybe can i have your tiffany lamp? No? okay i'll take Craig Robinson's lamp.
Craig Robinson: i use that for beddy bye.
Wilma: you mean betty bye.

Cecily Strong: my namesake taught me to never smoke. despite how stressful it is on that SNL set. the smoke'll getcha. even if you don't inhale. she now knows the real meaning of 42.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Carlos Reygadas: remember the end of Post Tenebras Lux
Eye: not really.
Carlos: at the end remember that shot of the man in pain in that mud lake? same mud lakes in Nuestro Tiempo.

Eye: Encino Man and go.

Laertus: called California Man in all other foreign markets.
Dirg: not cool man! California ain't just the coasts! California's the middle too! the middle's got nostalgia, too!

Eye Luggage: okay THIS is where i direct the cast. the podcast. we are so thankful that Cotard put us up for the weekend......well the summer. in his unfinished distinguished stone-marble Grecian mansion palace square thing. i am loving the flutes everywhere.
Cotard: it's okay to be gay.

Eye: we are situated right in the middle of the first and second floors, away from the danger of the revolution but still able to see it partake of it and learn from it. participate in it in our own way. the room is a box with no windows. but a plug. we get the Sundial's rays at night. the first Solar if we have something to say at night.

Eye: this movie starts and ends with Rose McGowan our PATRON SAINT!!! i'll drink to that. i bow to thee your black dark bad bitch holiness. this was the last time you saw Rose McGowan innocent and pure as the driven snow, in this role.
Laertus: it's the ONLY time. witness this freshfaced youth on your screen right now, glowing with a halo on her head, that's not the school's overhead slits, you'll only ever see Rose this way NOW. just another high-school girl with a softspoken voice, loafers, and her hair back in a bow. 

Rose McGowan: hi, yeah remember people, just THREE YEARS LATER and i'm doing Doom Generation. i remember this movie fondly, this was a light and airy set, Southern California sunshine. i have good memories here, this was my first thing after i had broken free from my cult. this movie marks my new life of freedom, it represents having an actual future, my foray into entering a brand new world of possibilities. 
Dirg: those van rug-burns on your knees musta HELLA hurt.  

Laertus: this was the summer of Pauly Shore...
Dirg: OMG i hate that guy! 
Pauly Shore: why does everybody want to punch me? i'm simply the typical Southern Californian. was it the frizzy fro?
Dirg: you're everything that's wrong with society, you know? you only got these parts cos your mom ran a famous comedy club.
Pauly: hey that was school for me as a boy. it was either the club or the cult, my choice.
Pauly: looking back if Wayne's World hadn't been successful i wouldn't have had a career. i would have had a normal life with a normal wife and normal kids. but i take nothing back, i love those two Angelina Jolie black babies as if they were my own. hey you gotta admit, i'm cute when i make those Weasel noises.
Mardith: i confess, yes you are, i'm seeing Pauly Shore for the first time and you are kawaii with those weasel clicks. 

Laertus: this movie was a moderate hit, a surprise hit at the box office. cos this was Pauly Shore's introduction to the world, his coming-out party, his display of idiosyncrasies and mouth mannerisms and language leverages. only the MTVers knew about him, this mysterious VJ who called everyone buddy.

Sean Astin: i don't want to be a nerd from Encino!
Pauly: then try out for football, trust me, you're gonna be a legend. not fat. what's wrong with Encino? Magic Castle arcade and Michael Jackson's Hayvenhurst mansion are here. i live on the beach. i'm called Stoney here but i'm not stoned, this is just how i talk, i invented the Valley Oop, i'm a valley boy. 

Madame Pons: Brendan Fraser was hot here! he was hot back then, well he still is, in fact he doesn't age at all. how old is he now?
Pauly: Brendan Fraser still works, i don't.
Brendan Fraser: i know i know i look like a dumb jock. except i'm quite the intelligent individual. like Frasier. i went to the same school Kurt Cobain went to to learn how to be a rock star.
Pons: it's the lips more than the muscles.

Brendan Fraser: i'm from Indianapolis where all the Magic Castle indy cars on the racetrack were built. now stored fossilized in a Sherman Oaks warehouse. 

Mariette Hartley: not the porn star.

Michael DeLuise: still mad as hell the cooking school didn't take me and kicked me out. i coulda used some of that tough 21 Jump Street love. i hate hanging people but it's better than the alternative. spoilers: i use the word fag. i mean it as a cigarette, i'm the cliche smoking bully tough-guy of the film.

Robin Tunney: it's weird seeing me as a kid. i only know myself as an adult, sunshine on my face.

Ellen Blain: i'm that annoying kid stepsister you tried to forget was your sister. then poof i'm gone! but i'm still your sister. i'll always be your sister. i live in Pacoima now where blood is thicker than ever.

Sandra Hess: first use of the word nug. i didn't sleep with Infectious Grooves, the band slept with me! i earned my stripes. yeah they were metal but not as metal as Mr. Bungle.

Dirg: i don't believe any of this science. another Ice Age? earthquakes? earthquakes are too convenient for me.
Spalding Gray: i can't speak to that anymore...

Sean Astin: i dig a pool in my backyard to be popular. what parents would allow this? i'm not a skateboarder.

Pauly Shore: the Mousterian bowl! so mysterious. where Mickey Mouse lapped Minnie's pinhole vagina. childhood memories. but then Ex President Bump had to buy out Disney and crush everyone's nostalgia. that man is too obsessed with names.

Pauly: Encino High School, which is Hollywood High. you know why i put a weasel's face on the flag of my scooter dune-buggy skateboard i ride on the freeway? cos most people don't know what a weasel looks like!!!

Pauly: why were the heaters on tho? to blow-dry my hair? the heat was good for Brendan's pits, made them smelly so he could attract a mate. yep you guessed it, the caveman learns about America from MTV, 7-Eleven, and Black Flag.

Pauly: you captivated by my flame?
Brendan: you turned me into a smoker when you waved that in my face.
Pauly: you gotta own your reflection, you're human not a vampire.
Michael Jackson: yes.
Brendan: there were vampire cavemen in my time.
Eye: i know, goths.

crones: at least HIS trash gets collected!

Estonia: where The Stones originally came from.

Laertus: oh god whenever i see an ice rink i think of that poor blonde skater who got a head wound on the ice on a film set and never realized her dreams of being a tv actress.

Brendan: that was my big dramatic scene, at the museum. i was so sad i wanted to drown in the La Brea Tar Pits. not my sadness, just drown. see? Dr Stone is all fun and games as an anime, but as real life it hurts. i told myself i was gonna run away with Sheryl Crow and make a music video there.

Dirg: losers! who celebrates the prom at their house? Fox Mulder was a thief. wrong play, difference is always celebrated and rewarded on the elite coast. 
Eye Luggage: all i wanted to know was what was on that cake, i missed that frosting.

Pauly: and suddenly this becomes Slumdog Millionaire. and suddenly this becomes The Blair Witch Project. the only thing we had at craft service was fries. i wrote a book about this. journal, same thing. 

Pauly: weasel catches the worm.
Dennis Rodman: no man, no brotha, i beat yo triflin ass in the bathroom.
gang-member gardeners: no ese, Carlos Reygadas catches us all. 
Link: i thought this was gonna be a video-game movie. with Bob Hoskins as Ganon. 
Fred Flintstone: there were some arcade cabinets at the ice rink. behind glass. why wasn't my body drawn like Brendan Fraser's?
Pauly: say good morght, Fred.
Fred Flintstone: good morght, Fred.
Pauly: heheheheheheheheh. good morght, buuuuu-dies.

Codrus: ...that eyesore in our front yard! we should be regaled as kings! instead of a proper patio and pathway and lawn we have a pile of dumpster dirt!!!
Cotard: i know. the yellow cranes are coming for the summer. not the birds the machinery, they're gonna build a beautiful marble driveway out of this space. 

Cotard: how do i look?
Codrus: why'd you shave your head? you looked good with that long flowing curling curly monk beard. at least carve a ram on top of your bald noggin.
Cotard: my shiny dome will collect solar power, first of its kind.

Codrus: where are you going at night?
Cotard: out. you see that building over there, the housey ranchhouse in periwinkle sardine-packed at the corner? that's not our Museum of Natural History. that's a recording studio.     



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