Wednesday, June 16, 2021

P.S. PAT: 2:47

Klek Entos is on the school stage scaring the kids:

Rorschach doesn't want to give away his position in the darkened audience but he feels he has to speak which is the most difficult thing for him to do per his social anxiety:

Rorschach: um, excuse me, not cool, man. i'd clock you if i was a fighting man. turn you back into a Greek basic entity source. where are the adults around here? where's the principal?
Max Kellerman: everyday all the teachers and staff have their lunch in the breakroom and leave out the backdoor.
Rorschach: I AM YOUR PRINCIPAL NOW. never fear, kids, i look scary but those are cancer dots on my face. think of it as living a lie, living your whole life in a bubble... 

Pat: i'm freaking out!!!
Gina: i know, that magician was creepy.
Pat: no the final assignment. we have to write a 187-page essay on what we learned this year. any ideas?
Gina: i'm still getting over those chocolate-bark fries at the Forest McDonalds.
Rosie O'Donnell: i'm still processing Strawberry Starbucks Coffee! who knew Starbucks sold coffee?!!
Pat: what the fuck am i gonna do when school is over? where will i go? what will become of me! when the white oval overhang clock above strikes 2:47 with the ominous thud with the two black hands on the protruding integer dash. and all the little kids dash and make a bolt for the bolted doubledoor, bringing it down with their video-game will, they rush like a knifed waterfall spilling out onto the mean streets of New York City, the gangs of Brooklyn, cul-de-sac art, uncertain summer full of busted hydrants spewing gunned-down waterfalls. what do i say to all this?

Gina stops Pat's soliloquy by kissing him, she plants a big young wet one on Pat's large smackers which startles him into silent submission.

N: i'm like Bo Burnham doing my last manic melancholic monologue before i go into the crazy dreamworld and die.

Roger Federer: i have sex with fans twice a week to get over Chris Evert. 
Tim Gallwey: i helped him with this.

Doryce: i had to take a shower under the produce-mister at H Mart.
Gladyce: i'm scared of the Jaws Bar.

Takahashi: study Roger Dean. but add your own wood nymphs.
Madame Pons: right. and not just Asia, Mars, too.

Doryce: i went to Cancun for some scorched rice but all they had was a Panda Express.
Gladyce: but dear were you wearing your bikini?

Frances Tang: my dripstick will ensure you will be the drummer of your band. no more awkward conversations about VD. in the future we're ALL clean!

Nasim Pedrad: i'm playing the Major in the next Ghost in the Shell live-action film...

Madeline Groves: not the Playboy Grove. you men couldn't lick my boots clean if i dipped my toe in the pool pond!

Billy Corgan, redfaced: because of that laced chocolate almond i am NEVER GOING BACK TO PALM SPRINGS AGAIN!!!

Asta: the 2021 Tokyo Olympics are gonna be the lowest-rated Olympics ever. ever on record going back to the Ancient Greeks who are my friends. 
Ex President Bump: FUCK RATINGS I WON!!!
Asta: no fans, people still worried about covid, nobody caring about these Games. who do i have to pay to get me off this ridiculous murder Devil trial so i can enter the Olympic Trials?
Mario: Johnnie Cochran is dead. life and 20-Years-To-Life have no 1-Up mushroom.

Oona Hanson: yes i'm the "MMMBop" mother.

Fuerza: don't chase, attract.

Lamees: why is my Chipotle burrito so small? fuck this i'm getting the fuck outta here.
Andy Murray's brother: i'd rather have Chipotle than go to the Olympics.

Giannis the Greek Freak: *bouncing the ball* Djokovic is my favorite player...

Dirg: CNN! will you not be satisfied until you record the destruction of the entire world and the entire humanity?!!!

Codrus: the President was willing to die on his bramhill. i'm still young for bran. while i looked from above, or was it below, eating woven thaddea crackers from Ancient Rome. the other President doesn't grabol but he grabs some.   

Gladyce: it's a shame Ben's Sandwich Shoppe went under, people take sprouts for granted, there's just not a place around here that does sprouts right.

Cher: that Denver Nugget center is the real MVP, he's a fine tennis player.

David Archuleta: hi. remember me? the Robin Hood of stolen hearts. back when Simon was still on the show. why did he make a lateral move to AGT? i mean we all knew about me, why do i have to announce it? religion? well i guess now i gotta be Gen Z New Age.

Gladyce: right my Nimbus toothbrush makes me feel like i'm swimming in clouds!
Doryce: that's your gas, dear.

Megan Hess: i gave Coco Chanel that relatable Anna Nicole Smith look.

Laertus: honey, the perfect date for me is...
Eye Luggage: ...i know, attending the taping of a Saturday Night Live episode.

Rubikon: this pandemic killed me. but i'm still alive. i had so many friends before, so many connections, all completely vanished with the forced passage of time. 
Dirg: take a Vanquish.

the three most important things are: sex, industry, family. and i say to you the greatest of these said Jesus is sex.

Jesus: thee are dumb.

Dr Frank N Furter: you see that chamber with all the elevators on The Promised Neverland? look familiar?...

Madame Pons: Mardith, consider working at the Forest Theatre. it's a California landmark.
Mardith: but i'm in NYC.

Clara McGregor: i'm not indifferent to this. i auditioned for Marcia Brady. paparazzi newshounds and the commentariat i stand before you on this red carpet to tell you that Scooby-Doo is not the dog you think he is.

Ned Beatty: i died so you 3 could live. and do your little podcast here each week talking film.
Laertus: it's true, Network was the one that kicked off EVERYTHING.

Inger Nilsson: you knew this had to happen eventually, get ready for the Pippi Longstocking/My Life As A Dog crossover film!!!!! you ready, Anton?
Anton Glanzelius: do i get to see your boobs? i mean as an adult.

Djokovic: it's Hot Novak Summer.
Bobby Shmurda: no it's Hot Nigga Summer i'm finally free as a bird!
Tuca & Bertie: you ain't free till you have a relationship like Mardith & Madame Pons.

Gladyce: Dory listen to me. very carefully. when you're doing Mardith's toilet or any other in the Treehouse:

flush and hold the flusher till ALL THE WATER GOES DOWN, FIVE MINUTES

that'll save you from having to use the plunger everytime you poo.
Doryce: i don't poo. i think.

Dirg: Tuca & Bertie and Birdgirl, the strange adult-swim Girl Power Hour.
Eye Luggage: if these 2 shows were on IFC, Comedy Central, or FXX they would get 3 times the loving audience.
Birdgirl: there needs to be a crossover with our show and Tuca & Bertie. except it won't be the bird that you think.
Mardith: i love on Tuca & Bertie how the Bird People live with the Plant People in harmony.

Dirg: she's one of those L.A. residents who actually reads Los Angeles Magazine.

Dirg: on Instagram i was giving that small Spooksville girl a hard time about what could have been, no Season 2. but i never thought she'd go naked for that serial killer movie as catharsis!!
Laertus: but you're glad she did??

Takahashi: making video games, not as fun as playing video games.

Cotswolds: we don't make the cotton dingy grey, we make the sunsets washed out.

Liz Truss: Big Truss.

Dirg: i want to work for ESPN. but i'm not good remembering names. 
Eye Luggage: yeah none of the girls' names.

Us: we're the British Before Trilogy.

Martin Sheen: i'm a stone-cold Catholic but i believe in The Matrix. The Matrix saved my boy. saved my boy from drowning, Winona Ryder was too busy after the affair. my boy Charlie has a LOT of problems, his swimmers have given him a lot of grief.

Eye Luggage: Facebook sucks but i think it's sweet when a vulnerable high-school fat girl's facebook is filled with encouraging comments from their aunt and uncle in Indio. 
Dirg: the face pics are always surrounded by good-vibes comments from anonymous goths.
Laertus: the goth guards. the Good Vibes Only Goths.

Turkey: we belong. we belong in BOTH places. Euro 2021 and NATO.

Gladyce: why is our toilet paper just napkins on a roll?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Erika Bok: i packed up all my things including the giant steel crayonhead. or was it a pencilhead?
Dirg: here's your Nimbus toothbrush, honey.

Eye Luggage: Nuestro Tiempo, Our Time, the 2018 film by Carlos Reygadas and go.

Carlos Reygadas: hi.
Laertus: it's weird. it's weird, man. i am a HUGE fan of your filmic visions but this was just weird. suddenly seeing YOU as the protagonist of your own film. very jarring. you don't see other auteurs doing this.
Woody Allen: hello my name is Woody Allen...
Laertus: it's like imagine instead of Elliott in E.T. it was Steven Spielberg on the bike and flying and playing Speak & Spell on the roof.

Reygadas: btw this isn't that website for trying to find love matches for women over 50. tho that is the website i used to find my wife.
Natalia Lopez: YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE, CABRON. you think it was weird for YOU? imagine ME! i mean i'm the gal who does all of Carlos's editing behind-the-scenes, i sprinkle the pixiedust, i provide each film with that bit o' magic and suddenly i'm in front of the camera getting fucked in the ass by strangers!
Madame Pons: *Olive Oyl arms pose* oh but may i say, senorita, you are so LOVELY. you are one of the most beautiful women i've ever laid eyes upon! you DEFINITELY deserve to be up on that silver screen, the WORLD needs to see your beauty not just Mexican telenovela nuts.
Natalia: gracias.
Dirg: it's true, this woman is STACKED. ass in tight cowboy jeans on a dusty ranch, big tits shown per Zoom for our pleasure and Jeffrey Toobin's pleasure. how'd you snag this guapita, ese?
Carlos: number 1: Riker. nombre dos: i'm not a Gringo. number three: i make films, man.
Riker: whenever Picard called me his Number One, i felt so special. my beard started glowing.

Eye Luggage: first let's tackle the cinematography. it is BRILLIANT, wondrous, escapist, like another world, an alien planet, Mars, i mean i've never seen those vast expanses of MUD LAKES in Mexico before, what an extraordinary magic place!
Reygadas: yeah i scouted them out myself, nobody knew they existed before. caused by the earthquake of my ripple of energy entering my films in arthouses outside the country. 
Laertus: they are magnificent. and strangely lucid. i mean the rivers are all brown with the mud yet you can swim in them as if they were clear and blue.
Madame Pons: OH MY i think i'm gonna orgasm. i mean this lake stuff is ME! my LIVING is mud! can i collect some of this mud from the holy tributary? this is gonna go into my new creation, my new MUD BATH BOMB!

Reygadas: sure. you know that scene where i film the teenagers under the tree, that tree is the original Tree from the Garden of Eden.
Mardith: i like the young girl in this, the one who swims with the young man son, in her cutoff jeans and bare feet and stringy hair that gets sodapop on it. she's one of those Mexican girls who has white skin, blue eyes, and freckles.
Dirg: yeah it's real cool when she calls the kid a fag while taking a drag off her fag. 
Mardith: i love it when she says

i want you in me. i want you inside me.

then eats a Caesar salad right there by the mud lake. i'm gonna use that line in my next stage show. stripper stage show.

Reygadas: contrary to popular belief my stuff is not just elevated telenovela scripts. that story about peeing in the brown beer bottle in Tijuana happened to me. this whole THING happened to me.
Natalia: we were having the same marital problems in real life, used the film to solve them. i mean it's weird. it's just weird. you have me who is your real wife PLAYING your wife in this fictionalized world and our REAL kids are our kids in the movie. 
Laertus: yeah aren't you afraid of creating actors where there are none? the child-actor forced syndrome? getting your fam involved in the family business?
Reygadas: turns out we're all naturals. of course it helps that they are my family so we practiced saying my words all hours of the night at my mansion.

Madame Pons: OMG who is that GORGEOUS young man! is that your real son?!!!
Reygadas: yes.........i think, i dunno, my wife gets fucked in the ass by strangers.
Laertus: why do you have a Cheshire laugh when you smile? you're a skinny George from Seinfeld. you look like the Mexican Larry from the Three Stooges.
Madame Pons: that boy is the SPITTING image of if Benicio del Toro was a kid!
Dirg: another round of Heineken pee!

cat familiars: so we're NOT gonna talk about THAT SCENE. right? no, no more of this trauma, the bull going crazy scene. that poor mule. no, no more, why do all you genius experimental directors have to ALWAYS have an animal-cruelty scene? what is the point? you're all the same. we are old. and tired. our bones are weak. we are exhausted always having to defend the animals. the Hollywood Machine has ground down our will. for the love of animals. all creatures great and small. 

Reygadas: you gotta admit i'm a pretty good actor. i didn't have to learn my lines, i memorized them when i wrote them. the one thing that is true tho is when i say i have MASSIVE BALLS.

Gringo: how do you say noun in Spanish? i want to impress the ladies on the farm.
Carlos: you mean my wife? take my cowboy hat instead it's 10 gallons too big for me.
Gringo: did you know that your wife has a spider tattoo on her back?
Carlos: she likes Bowie? Kafka? Neruda? we never talk. you know the only reason she's smitten with you is cos you're a gringo. that's it. that exotic American accent STILL to this day leaves us Mexicans speechless.

Natalia: btw married couples never say make love, we always say fuck. at least behind closed doors in the closet.

Eye Luggage: i will give it up to you.
Laertus: say it ain't so honey!
Eye Luggage: Carlos's script is funny, there are spots to be discovered. they're always subtle in your scripts but they're there. like the whole Lenin thing, the Fellini Stalin History Channel thing that was jokes.

Dirg: you know you're in trouble when there are three people at a Mexican restaurant and one basket of chips. i gotta ask how does it feel to film your real-life wife fucking these strange men?
Reygadas: it's not porn, it's art. it's for a film of high art so it's okay, all limits off. it was fun hiding in the bushes like i was Steve Martin in Roxanne. tho Cyrano de Bergerac i was not as i was simply witness to the painful scene of my wife in the bed of another man she giving him a look she will never give me.

Dirg: so you liked playing the cuck in this?
Carlos: i'm always emotional. especially at my best friend's death bed. i don't want to be famous for tv anymore, i want my own gulch. i wanted to make a Mexican film about toxic masculinity, men in Mexico have never heard of this term. that's why my son's never been in a fight. that's how you become a trailblazer without having to wear the spurs.

Eye: and suddenly your sweet little girl narrates. and this becomes Playskool Skool Play by the white barn. aw, cute.
Reygadas: she had no idea what she was saying, she was just repeating words with no context. she's good with the reel-to-reel tape.
Laertus: and suddenly this becomes Vanilla Sky. though i will say this is the best part of the film, the cold pressing contemplative confessional narration by your wife as she takes an airplane ride and the camera pans all around the ocean of clouds above. she delineating in excruciating detail where it all went wrong, where she all went wrong, how marriage is a sham cos she's still learning about herself, who she is, her needs and how to fulfill them. but she hasn't given up on love. heartbreaking stuff.    
Cotard: i cried.

Carlos: in my defense when i asked my cognitive-disassociating wife about to be on-the-loony-ledge to flash her tits to me during the Zoom meeting i thought it would break the ice, thought it would lead to a breakthrough, i've always thought therapy would be more effective if the psychiatrist and patient sat on opposite couches naked.

Laertus: so i don't mean to do this to you but, can you explain exactly what this.........IS?
Carlos Reygadas: i'm a man who feels guilty for cheating on his first wife with Natalia. so there's no way i can be a loyal lover to Natalia so i pimp her out to my coworkers and friends.
Gringo: when i tell my friends in Boston i work in Mexico they have no idea about the worker benefits. i'm not talking about the taxes. you guys have the best marriage, i hope to have a marriage like you guys someday. but i'm never getting married i just want sex.
Carlos: so i deliberately have an open marriage where she can get satisfied sexually in a way i can never give to her. win-win.
Eye: nah cos you keep your wife in the dark about your plan. why didn't you trust her enough to let her in on the plan? that letter on the computer is the funniest thing i've ever read.
Reygadas: then she'd never cheat and there'd be no movie.

Natalia hits Carlos upside the cabeza.
Natalia: estupido! you think me dumb? of COURSE i figured it out from the start! but i stayed with you for the children, amor is fucking hard. you're going to Hell for this, Carlos Reygadas!!!!!
Dirg: i wish my father had had a pitch-black lights-off conversation with me in my bed just before i went off to college. i'd be different today.

Carlos Reygadas: i did it for the car. the car i bought for a stranger ranchhand. btw that ranch was where Destinos was shot. and the Destinos grandfather was shot. i did it cos i was depressed and i ran out of Prozac. Prozac, you never forget your first love.

Dirg: this movie wasn't hyped up, not pressed up, it went missing, nobody knew about it like your other works which hailed you the Mexican Bergman.
Ingmar Bergman: yeah i mean i smile just like you but i'd NEVER star in one of my oeuvres.
Reygadas: this shall i pet project, my personal project, my passion project, that's why it's 3 FUCKING HOURS LONG when it never had to be, completely unnecessary. the Studio System and festivals wouldn't touch it. the INDIE studio system wouldn't touch it!

Celine: i see a lot of the Before Trilogy in Nuestro Tiempo, our three films condensed into this one film. 

Turin the horse: i came from the Hungarian ranch over to this Mexican ranch by way of Italy. stopped my hooves and mouth to peek in on the Euro match. let me tell you something, there is nothing, nothing like riding in the rain, over the damp green hills, drinking that rainwater as you fly across the pampas.........riderless. g'night folks.


Rosie and Max: come on, Pat, get it in gear, get your ranchhand hand painted red, open the gate, let's get out of here. not for the summer, forever. we're gonna be at the farms forever, the farm system.

Pat: give me a minute. i something. hi.
Gina: hi, i was next to you the whole time.

Gina: so what have you learned this year, Patrick?
Pat: i've learned how to love.
Gina smiles.
Pat: i will love you 24/7 forever.
Gina smiles.
Pat: it's okay, you don't have to say anything, your smile is enough.

Pat: do you think our love will carry? will our love transfer over to high school?
Gina: HELL NO. that's just not how it works. 

Pat hugs Gina extra hard. the two hug in their heavy coats as they become one coat. Eskimo-heading each other under the collar away from the din of all the kids scurrying around like mad demons let out of Hell. inside their world is silent.

the two hug. they hug for a long time, a VERY long time. till 2:47 becomes a distant memory in time. they hug forever, the type of hug where both parties recognize they will never see each other again.

Pat: why is this time our time?
Gina: cos it just is. cos we are here now.


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