Gina: the nuns have staged a riot!
Pat: what do you mean?
Madame Pons: the nuns are fighting for human rights. girl rights more specifically. the right not to shave their armpits like the nuns don't.
Gina: the nuns have taken over our school until the changes are met.
Rosie O'Donnell: guys today after school we are to meet at the YMCA for our swim meet. not necessarily to swim but to meet. i for one ain't swimming, i just want some vending-machine Big League Chew root-beer-flavor.
Madame Pons: the YMCA is offering free childcare, what all nuns want.
Pat: *knocks head* I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT AFTERSCHOOL! what are we gonna do, gang. we have to honor BOTH commitments!
Gina: the nuns want us to show solidarity with them by being a nun for a week, this week most specifically.
Pat: *finger up to Heaven* i get it. i GOT it! i know what we're gonna do...
Max Kellerman: the schoolyard in the Gin Blossoms song "Found Out About You" is OUR school's yard.
Dirg by the school brownpole: meet local girls in your area? BUT THESE ARE ANIME GIRLS!!!
Dirg: on Instagram you're not allowed to write in the comments what you most want to say:
i want to fuck you
Drew Barrymore: i'm sorry i sent that video to your son, Wilbon.
Wilbon: he's not!
Madame Pons: for most of my girls twitter is their only outlet to tell the world of their rape.
Mardith: it's like that old friend you forgot about cos you were on another platform. you literally forgot they existed and were still living their life you were that busy and distracted. and then summer comes which is the perfect opportunity for both of you to drift away from each other forever...
Dirg: oh, well in My Life As A Dog they FINALLY have an adult blonde Swedish woman! isn't that what Sweden is known for?
Rubikon: Ashley Brewer, works now for ESPN. Mycah Hatfield for Texas.
Dirg: not a kid with bald basketball legs wearing '80s short-shorts with white trim and green hair.
Rubikon: the '60s were different in different countries. remember when you would open the door and the light exposure would ruin the hanging dripping fading pictures?, big trope in '80s sitcoms. and photo albums! WHO REMEMBERS PHOTO ALBUMS?
Rosie at the movie theatre: i prefer nachos with hot gooey orange cheese to popcorn.
Dirg: remember when you had to space out all the trash and recycle bins? no one does that anymore.
Wittle Wove: no time for baby talk, time to run off our sobriety!
Michael Jackson: it's like that little boy in My Life As A Dog, comparison is everything. he only touched my chimp. i mean look at me, i would have been better off studying Comparative Literature.
Gladyce: all men - especially you - need to wash your shirts daily. you use your shirts as rags.
Rege-Jean Page: i will play Michael Jackson for the jillionth time.
cat familiars: we're waiting for the prequel My Life As A Cat cos of course cats were the original ancestors.
Mardith: if you're drinking a Coke before noon ya got problems.
Gladyce: that's when you'll know things are back to normal, when that blinking red light finally gets fixed.
Cecily Strong: Thanksgiving?! THANKSGIVING?!!!
Kenan Thompson: that's a late start even for us, need a WHOLE lotta time to get the brand-new cast up to snuff i mean speed. it's gonna be a COMPLETELY different SNL next season.
Pete Davidson: it's gonna look like Season 6...
Kenan: so you're gonna hang up your jersey? but i'm the one who played sports.
Pete: you didn't play sports, you're fat so people assume you played linebacker. i'm the one who has to be a gymnast superhero villain in a cape.
Kenan: i copied my facial expressions from Eddie Murphy.
Kate McKinnon & Aidy Bryant: no more lesbian teams. just hope they release EVERY SINGLE SEASON of SNL on bluray with extra features and Lorne droning on.
Dirg: in every online ad now you have to stress that you're not creepy, you swear...
Anton Glanzelius: yeah i mean to be honest i don't really give a fuck about Michael Jackson, please stop asking me about him. oh god i remember this music! this was the original Channel 5 movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Dirg: when my dad threw a pan at me and it walloped my face at the corner of the couch, i pretended i was Ingemar in My Life As A Dog.
Adrian Grenier: i'm a monk now.
Codrus: farm does not a monk make.
Cotard: can i have your lemur-dog?
Michael Weiss: can i have your Instagram-famous?
Dirg: still don't know if you're fluid or not.
Cruella: put the vaper on my cigarette-holder to achieve maximum throat hit.
Dirg: not talking about a blowjob.
Dirg: i had the biggest crush on Lisa Jakub.
Mardith: so this isn't another yoga-pants situation?
Eye Luggage: i did appreciate her sardonic nature.
Gladyce: i want a Mrs. Doubtfire ovenmitt!!!
Robin Williams: i came up with the idea for Hungry Hungry Hippos at the hungry i Club.
Uber: we thank everyone for getting vaccinated. especially the furries.
Glanzelius: you furries are the Ur.
Dirg: go on any random Instagram DM and type
where's my bitcoin money?!!!
Gladyce: at Denny's they do that thing with the bread, it's somehow thin Texas-toast dipped in a mysterious honey salt.
Eye Luggage: i won't be shamed when i wear my black cobweb bikini this summer.
Dirg: me neither, i'm steppin' out this summer.
in Holland it's called iCarlijn and the girl star is an aspiring speedskater.
the Warriors podcast:
we're just two bros doing what any Golden State Warrior podbros would do, discussing the two hot women leaving the club with Klay Thompson...
Laertus's dad: i took to this film so much, My Life As A Dog. cos all i ever wanted to do was make my mother laugh, too. my mom was the only woman who ever mattered to me.
Anton: my brother in this grew up to be a sniper, on the good and bad sides of the law. the brunette in this has that Winona Ryder quality.
Dirg: how can you tell if it's a girl?
Max Kellerman: Anton wasn't a nervous kid, he just wanted his milk card.
Laertus: and suddenly this turns into A Christmas Story.
Dirg: you can have the leg, i want the glass-tits milk bottle. so does Glass Joe.
Eye Luggage: i remember that long hug the blond uncle gives Ingemar by the train in the snow, that man was so kind to that boy, a beautiful man who used humor to show Ingemar how to get through life gently. curly men up there and down there are always the wisest.
Dirg: never come between a man and his own hot dog. g'night, folks.
Benji: that dog was Benji before Benji!
Jack Tripper: i lived with a large Greek family, too. my life was never made into a movie...
Takahashi: a couch is comfortable. but there's nothing more comforting than falling asleep on the sofa wrapped around hugging your genesis.
Genie Bouchard: gimme one of those gold arrows and i'll air-traffic-control the fuck outta it into the cloud.
Mason Rudolph: please tell me this isn't a fantasy i'm living cos of my concussion. i went to Harward university.
Madame Pons: our newest chamomile candle is called vitaminwater. to make your bathwater more profitable.
Evan Fournier: i make up for my Do Not Google My Last Name with my Greek-god face and Broadway eyes.
Orochimaru: did you like how i made my entrance? it wasn't my usual stuff, it was slinkier than usual, scarier than usual.
Dirg: the pandemic is over and the first group that comes out in droves are the fucking spammers.
Codrus: the Sinead O'Connor thing? wasn't me.
Laertus: sports is used as a shield to make dorks look like jocks. especially at ESPN.
Max Kellerman: i know that's why i'm a rapper. a hip-hopper.
Laertus's dad in Japan: The Smashing Pumpkins, Abuelita, top ramen. i've lost the taste for all three.
Dirg: you ate your own grandma?
Brian Austin Green: look at my face in these newest pictures, i am not a happy man.
Streetlight Records: Santa Cruz Amoeba but on an island.
Uncle Sigh the horse: if the Belmont really wanted to horse-backkick a man when he's down they would have banned Bob Baffert's horse AFTER it won Kentucky and the Preakness!
Doryce: i understand you.
Cotard: i'm worried about you, brother, you're still not sober?
Codrus: no i went to the Sobor.........but yes i'm a drunk but that's a separate matter.
Federer: i will be at the Olympics. i met Mirka at the Sydney Olympics and hope to meet her in Tokyo for the first time.
Oracle and Robin: the space in Space House is purple like Regular Show.
Mordecai: same timeslot as Regular Show, too. Monday at 6PM. the nostalgia of the '80s nostalgia is killing me! late cartoons.
Dirg: you could tell they got notes not to make the girls' nighties too sexy, couldn't show any leg, all the girls needed to wear pants to bed.
Eye Luggage: summer scares the undead daylights out of me.
Dirg: i had my chance. i had my chance to enter a violet Buddha sauna and i blew it.
Mardith: you have much to learn, boy.
Naomi Osaka: see? SEE? see what i mean? Kvitova, hello!
Max Kellerman: we're getting a new library at the school, they're taking out a wall and calling it the Human Library.
Karen O'Leary: Wellington dove into the paranormal cos the political situation is good for now.
Angela Kang: i come from a tradition of horror. i was the girl with the good long hair over my face running back into the tv.
Nina Moran: hey we're bringing skateboarding back! the millennials buried it.
Teddy Perkins: we were doing Teddy Ruxpin for the crazy now times.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Jamie Lee Curtis: my swimming story in Perfect and the swimming theme in Mermaids, same thing happened to me, young girl gets enamored with an older man...
Eye Luggage: Mermaids and go.
Laertus: strange tho, Mermaids is ostensibly about the swimming stuff, but the swimming stuff is very much in the background, the little girl's Olympic designs are pushed to the curb, even in this Olympic year.
Eye Luggage: okay the mermaid theme, with all three women of the clan. Christina Ricci is the symbolic mermaid as the tiny go-getter swimmer. Cher dresses up as a mermaid babe queen for Halloween, but how is Winona Ryder a mermaid? yes, her sexual awakening, growing a tail like sperm.
Takahashi, Rubikon, and Tyzik: is this an '80s movie or a '90s movie?...
Tyzik: where's my Tylenol? had my second shot...
Cher: i was adept at playing mothers back then. i had to tone it down for this one after Mask. but i was actually the exact same mother here as the one in Mask only with classic cars instead of hogbikes and i wasn't saddled with a disfigured son who was doomed in this callous zero-sum world.
Emily Lloyd: um, Cher? i almost committed suicide cos of you. which i later learned was perfect for this part. this was to be my breakout-star performance, but you complained a raven woman such as yourself would never have a blonde kid like me. the problem could have easily been fixed with a dye job! but you kicked me off the set! i struggled like Naomi Osaka in silence. it's all ironic cos your last name in this is Flax.
Winona Ryder: i was having quite the little run, quite on a roll! a seeded french roll! Heathers, Edward Scissorhands, Mermaids. and Goth Queen of the Nineties! and fucking Johnny Depp when he was still brooding and not a creep!
Christina Ricci: imagine if i had not been cast in this. i wouldn't have a career now. i grow up to be the girl in Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. thank goddess i had raven-black hair in 1990!
Lasse Hallstrom: after My Life As A Dog i was feeling invincible! i could make ANY film now! i directed Lassie the dog! so yeah if i had done this film as the original director i would have had Winona Ryder commit suicide at the end. of COURSE she commits suicide in the end, i mean i'm Swedish, what do you expect?
Frank Oz: i clashed with Cher and Winona cos i wanted them to do the whole movie with handpuppets mouthing the lines.
Bos Hoskins: i would have been okay with this, i was coming off Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Michael Schoeffling: i am still alive today. cos i knew which way the wind was winding. teen heartthrobs never make it to adulthood. especially when they perform statutory rape on film.
Mardith: so we're just gonna ignore the statutory rape and say it was hormones and a teen girl's crush? can't unshuffle the deck.
Paula Plum: my husband did it in the Conservatory with the baby grand piano.
Jan Miner: Madge was a nun, that's why i always told you to keep the inside of your nails clean. that's not a production error that's me the nun wearing my wedding ring, in the '60s in the Heartland nuns could marry priests.
Madame Pons: never be a friend to your daughter, be a parent, i'm learning that with you, Mardith.
Takahashi: i love those long cars with the wheels SO DAMN BIG they're like captain ship's wheels!
Laertus's dad: back in the day when my dad rubbed his hands and stutter-laughed.
Winona: you gotta admit this was different, what attractive 15-year-old girl wants to be a nun? desires to be a nun at that age? see it wasn't so much the religion as the ritual of it, the decadence of Catholicism, the glitter gold cups and bowls, the green robes, the majesty of the Mass, that's attractive to a plain Jewish girl.
Winona: i have anxiety like Naomi Osaka and Molly Qerim.
Rubikon: there's no shame for a black man to attend therapy. i had to go to therapy after the shocking death of The Line.
man: did the Earth move for you?
Cher: no but the car did. what are the rims amd struts on this puppy of a classic car?
man: she's not the other woman, she's my wife.
Cher: oh yeah i forget cos she's not onscreen.
Winona: can i be into Catholicism without being a nun? i kinda want to try sex. in the future.
Cher: this one wants to be a swimmer.........no one cares about swimming, we only care about Michael Phelps's depression.
Winona: well that's a convenient convent. complete with a musclely gardener trying to atone for his many torrid sins. i won't help him in that department, he is not going to Heaven.
Cher: why are all bosses assholes? why do all bosses flaunt their secretary fucks?
Laertus's dad: okay i must say something about the bus trip, i had that EXACT SAME experience. when i moved for the last two years of high school i transferred from the beautiful urban city tiny streets to the long dusty boring scary roads of the country, i did junior and senior year at a farm not a school. the bus rode to the school with just me in the back of the LONG-ASS bus and the busdriver, with 47 seats between us. i NEVER once talked to the busdriver cos he had cheese in his beard.
Winona: this one-student one-census policy ends up with this situation where the child has to go to school so there needs to be one busdriver for one student. it ends up being a private chauffeur over romantic bumps and hills.
Dirg: WHAT?!!! a little girl wearing a live pumpkin head?!!! this proves Hollywood is Satanic.
Jamie Lee Curtis: the Halloween in this is strangely familiar...
Schoeffling: let's not talk about football that's boring. let's talk about thinking on lakes. thinking on a lake not fishing on a lake.
Winona: that's where my mermaid stuff comes in.
Bob Hoskins: what's with all the tinfoil and trees in this movie. i hate trees! why was i cast in this! i am not handsome enough to be a leading man. charming sure but not handsome. i got that British mischief in my eye, you look at me licking my lips and you're not sure if i'm a predator or just English.
at the shoe shoppe:
Jan Miner: Bundy? of course i got big feet, i played football in high school that's why i'm a nun today. am i pregnant? yes i'm a mother. if you don't follow catechism i'll catch you in my ball like a Pokemon.
Cher: why did i make love to you?
Bob: i brought you bagels. plain bagels. i have a zest for life i'm English. i speak plainly. what if i bought you a new cherried-out cherry-red convertible?
Cher: i'd leave you in it. i'd leave you for it.
Anton: i recognize that watchtower. same one my brother used at the college.
Dirg: oh those gargoyles staring at Charlotte with their cobweb eyes! this ain't no bandstand. they are the demons of Satan warning her and all soft supple young girls never to have sex and ruin your suppleness. save those lady loins for the farms.
Mardith: see it's quaint here cos she thinks she got pregnant from a kiss. from the unbuttoning of her pajama-dress by a caretaker. it becomes creepy and sketchy when these two later ACTUALLY do have sex in the watchtower.
Lucio: remember those parent-teacher conferences in Catholic school at night? where they served finger sandwiches made of ice cream? mermaid underwater theme for all dances.
Cher: you have to eat something, daughter.
Winona: but i'm a hungry ghost, a goth. i read a pamphlet that said i was birthing myself.
Cher: New Age doesn't exist yet! we're still in the time when baseball was America's pastime! people actually CARE about the World Series! Sarah Spain did not own the Sox.
Gobnait in the garden: someone eat my honey.
gardener: there are no Stones here, only rocks in my head. and a stone cult in the garden. the Devil danced on my head and turned me into a legal woman.
Laertus: Dirg have you ever run away from home?
Dirg: yes but never was i served breakfast.
Winona: that family was of course The Addams Family without makeup.
Cher: you could have been chopped up in little pieces by the side of the highway! the only good here is i now chop faster than Martin Yan. Martin Yan will be a recurring David Letterman character.
Amber Tamblyn: remember me? cos i don't. i was Joan of Arc in real life.
doctor: i am not Bill Cosby. why did you think you were pregnant? you're a virgin.
Winona: why are doctors in this era so cold and move so fast? when this gets a reboot you will be replaced by a female gynecologist and the waiting room will be lavender. it's just not fair you can tell if a woman is a virgin, but boys don't have cherries they can lie!
Schoeffling: why are you dressed in your mother's dress heels and lipstick?
Winona: cos i'm 15 years old.
Schoeffling: so we're really doing this? i know this is of-the-time and normal but still.
Winona: is it weird we're trying to fuck the JFK Assassination out of our minds so we won't have that unpleasant memory in our heads ever again?
Schoeffling: i love how you comfort.
JFK: remember when the President was just The President and not The Democrat President?
Winona: why'd you kiss him?
Cher: he told me he likes star sandwiches, he's into something called video games, very early technology.
Christina Ricci: hey mom why don't you have soup that's stars! star soup, star sandwich!
Cher: it was just a little New Year's peck. then he changed my oil.
Winona: i hate years!
Lucio: Carlo Rossi, jug wine, only my uncle Carlo makes jug wine, jug wine doesn't taste like any other wine.
Winona: i'm sorry you almost drowned, Christina Ricci, i was just about to orgasm when you fell in the water, very symbolic. btw don't you know how to swim?
nuns: we always save the day and nobody gives a fuck.
Cher: i was trying to slap the fuck out of Winona hard but it slipped.
Winona: why didn't you have a wedding photo so i could see what my father looked like? and then maybe i wouldn't be going after older men and sun gods to replace him.
Cher: i had a photo of him but someone opened the darkroom door.
Winona: my "boyfriend" gardener went back to California to grow weed. i became the tramp of the school when i all i wanted to be was the Heather of the school. waiting for those electronic postcards to kick in.
Cher: you still drive like an old nun.
Winona: Greek mythology...
Cher: only if you have a big wedding. sing Mamma Mia for me right now, this is your audition, i'm auditioning you right now around the dinner table as we dance.
Eye Luggage: unpopular opinion: that dance at the end went on WAY too long. i know you have to fill time but still.
Laertus's dad: i missed all the Orion films having a childhood.
Lasse Hallstrom: i ended up directing Moral Orel...
Mardith: so at the end of this nothing actually gets resolved.
Madame Pons: such is life, my child, such is life. g'night, folks.
at the YMCA:
Pat: i don't know what to do! i mean this is the first time the YMCA has a Sky Pool!
Rosie: that is WAY too scary for me! and i love heights! in the heights.
Pat: wait i know, everyone wear these habits they're like skintight swimcaps.
Pat, Gina, Max, and Rosie dive into the water at the same time holding hands which means they jump into the water hard like an aborted dove.
Pat: see? we all dive in wearing nun cassocks like one-piece swimming suits. we wimple the waves. our cornettes are our wings! like we're flying in the water! we wear our lappets as we do laps.
Justine: i wear my hennin in the pool. g'night, folks.