P.S. PAT: ON TOUR FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!!!

 

Robert De Niro on the Big set:

De Niro: move the piano. MOVE THE G-D FUCKING PIANO GET THIS ROLL OUTTA MY MUG!!!

Tom Hanks: yes, sir.

De Niro: are you my lackey? my lacey tapeboy? it's bad enough i have to scratch a lucky penny off my shoe but this is no class. no class whatsoever. not at all! pianos should be like Casablanca, play it again Sam, with the lucky pennies in the clear glass fishbowl so the broads can see you're a working stiff. 

Melissa Auf der Maur: OMG i married Elon Musk!!!

De Niro: why do i have to wear this weird green helmet?

Michael Weiss: space hat, for that one time we went to Mars. i wear things all the time, it's cool. you look like Boba Fett.

De Niro: is that a type of bubble tea? cheese? i'll do it for safety. covid safety.

Michael Weiss it's a faceshield for playing virtual video games like Lazer Tag.

De Niro: do you know who i am? I USE REAL GUNS!!!

Sarah Jamie Lewis: i am not a robot.

Pat: i don't know if i can do this, guys.

Gina: come on, you have to.

Max Kellerman: it's easy i did it last week. i'm manlet-size so i'm perfect to be a jockey. i wear the very first Jockey tightie-whities.

Rosie O'Donnell: do it for the horse! 

Pat: okay okay.........i guess.........i mean i do love animals. i love animals more than people.........okay i got the perfect break-in snack for the horse when we break out.

Gina: just remember, don't mention He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Marvin Gaye: i didn't go to therapy. instead i wrote "The Ecology, Mercy Mercy Me".

Leminski: i opened up the karate studio at the mall that later became the Regular Show mall karate.

Uncle Sigh the horse: i rode a horse to board a train to go see Mugen Train in the snow.

Dirg: if you're for individual rights you're a Republican. if you're for group rights you're a Communist.

Laertus: yeah but covid changed all that.

Madame Pons: Mardith if you want to be a good friend out in the world you need to strike the delicate balance of when to stay quiet and when to twitter.

Gladyce: the new tiny trashbags look like the cute wings on a nun's hat in the '50s. how delightful!

Doryce: can you help me with Mardith's trash?

Dirg: the voice of the main character on The Fungies makes me uncomfortable.

Laertus: gotta get over interracial, man. or in this case, intermushroom.

Takahashi: with The Fungies Cartoon Network is making it okay for kids to have NFTs.

Laertus: you know why i love Whoopi Goldberg? her face. she has a warmness to her face, happy grooves to her face that reminds me of my mom.

parklet: i caught Booboo, not Yogi, i put a Band Aid on it and put him in my pocket.

John Mayer: yes my new album is a JoJo reference.

Naomi Osaka: Pavlyuchenkova.........she's never shown on a show court.

Eye Luggage: i got my two pricks.

Dirg: me and Laertus?

Eye Luggage: no my two vaccine jabs.

Kenan Thompson: i played sports before SNL.

Cecily Strong: and i will play sports after, soccer.

Laertus: the return of the Macarena? who decides this?

Doryce: that sinking feeling when you forget to put out the trash.

Gladyce: yes dear but using your spells to create another sinkhole on Earth is not the answer.

Eye Luggage: it's 100 degrees and raining, i mean...

Phoebe Wahl: i am in the walls listening to you at the Friends Reunion.

Fuerza: Luxembourg is a place not on any map. you can only get there if you close your eyes, buckle your knees, and believe in magic.

Madame Pons guides Mardith through Crazy Horse Too in Vegas, Fuerza does the more elegant refined French classical Crazy Horse in Paris:

Madame Pons: remember, Mardith, only go for men who are into Dark Side of the Moon.

Fuerza: no, Air! Air! into Air! we are all into Air! have to be. Air's music.

Turin the horse: and me without my facecheek tassels.

Petr Korda's wife: i am not Steffi Graf.

Bill Maher: yeah college sucks now. i say as i answer a letter and graciously accept an invitation here onto this your bright flowered-and-flagged campus of cramped NYU. i mean you can't sleep with your professors anymore. at least with Scientology you know you're gonna end up sleeping with Tom Cruise. 

horses: why you gotta do the Belmont on Prom Night?

Madame Pons: new Volcom store opening up next to LUSH at the mall, they were here before Power Rangers.

Mardith: all Instagram story videos are the same: pan to the face, pan to the driver of the car, pan back to the face which smirks.

Sloane Stephens: i'm most dangerous when i'm unseeded.

The Pope: i had to go pee which the world says is unladylike. so i became the new CEO of PG&E. i promise to plant more trees.

Boc: i wear my skirt to water the skirts, the lanes of lawn. there's nothing like the smell of wet grass in summer. i spotted a jade stone - a grey stone with a creamy jade center - cut in half with a green eye in the grass my vision is that keen. afterwards i hold the nozzle up to my head, give my face a hit to cool off. 

Gladyce: dear just be careful when you take off your slippery muddy boots, hold onto the stucco wall so you don't trip and fall. this is my 3rd hip, Doryce is on her 4th pelvis.

Doryce: they call me Tom Petty back in the Old Country.

Roger Federer: i have to listen to my body. my body clock. and my biological clock is ticking, it's telling me Chrissie Evert wants to fuck me again. she wants my body this body before it's too late and i can't have a baby anymore.

Mae Martin: i shall continue my journey with my girl Gina and my Gorillaz music.

Gordon Brown: i AM the Gordian Knot!

Thierry Mugler: i wanted to design jeans for crones and the magicless alike.........that's not my cock that's my long black skirt.

Asta: me too but New York muggers got in my way. i don't mind being a muggle but i hurt missing out on all that black magic.

Michael Weiss in bermuda shorts: do NOT go on the Silk Road website, i had to buy the Tony Hawk game the year BEFORE with the bad graphics.

Jon Rahm: i didn't have covid! i can smell my tears!

Mardith wearing a Michael Weiss shirt: Instagram has let women embrace honesty for the first time in their lives, they're posting truthful pics of their real faces, no more acting.

Djokovic: never play your friends. i had too much mousse in my hair. this retirement is not suspicious, i don't play Federer next round, remember?

Federer: ...yes you do. my body is feeling better after Chris Evert. i'm wearing a green visor for the glare not the sportsbook.

Dirg: so everyone's trans now?

Boc wearing a Megan Rapinoe jersey: they have to fit in 100 sporting events the next three months of this summer so each event has their own slot their own week, making sure the weeks don't overlap each other.

Dirg: why Puddle of Mudd and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers had to betray us and film their videos in Hollywood?

Dirg: i didn't recognize Kat from Noom without her glasses in the second commercial.

Dirg: you can tell the L.A. Instagrams, the ones from Los Angeles are here to entertain you.

Laertus's dad: the gold 5 of Channel 5...

Max Perlich: the greatest thing i ever did was tighten the bolts on all the skateboards used in Gleaming the Cube. speaking of tightening the bolts, it was on that set that i fell in love with Asian women forever.  

Doryce: i mean what is the deal with getting bananas at The Store? there's no room to plop them in a bag and tie a green ribbon around, you're supposed to do this midair like magic? WE NEED AN EMPTY TABLE BY THE BANANAS!!!

Libertad Lamarque: i was the original Statue of Liberty. the suicide attempt always comes when young, if you can survive it - bounce off an awning - you will be the stronger for it and the rest of your life will go swimmingly and steeled.

Bjork: i relocated to Laguna Niguel after the divorce...

Curtis Sittenfeld: yes i am a woman named Curtis. no relation to Jerry. i had to make DAMN sure my Hilary Rodham book was labeled NOVEL, a work of alternate-history fiction, or i would have had the lawyers, Bill Clinton, and Bill Corgan up my ass.

Bill Clinton: fictional rape is a sticky wicket.

Celine: bonjour everyone, welcome back, welcome to France again everyone around the world. oui even too the U.S.A.. but not Ethan Hawke, YOU STAY!!! he can eat carwash sushi the rest of his life.

Celine: come celebrate the crowning of our newest French Open Champions! what could be more perfect? the lovers Sakkari and Tsitsipas BOTH win their finals in the most romantic place on Earth, Gay Paris!!!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Winona Ryder: real life sucks losers dry.........and then the birthing of the Phoenix.

Anton Glanzelius: the small shack greenhouse in my film is the same one in Beautiful Girls.

Eye Luggage: The Turin Horse and go.

N: hi. hi waving hello to you with my Loki handwave. in this upcoming review please do not mention my name. the times are WAY different than when i was born and alive, you can't glorify me or my thinking anymore, it's not edgy and goth it's dangerous. we all know my backstory, how i finally snapped, i was always crazy but i finally snapped. do not dance in the rain for me. shave off that ridiculous mustache it looks like a muskrat. barbers are open again. burn your Marilyn Manson records. thank you and good night from the abyss.

old man: can you refer to me in this upcoming review as Stagecoach Papi?

Turin the horse: you can talk?

old man: one thing don't call me is stableman. i am anything BUT stable. i HATE being in this movie as you can tell from the expression on my face throughout the film.

Olivia Rodrigo: you're sourer than me, pops. lick the Pop Rocks off my face. 

Erika Bok: underneath the potato sack i wear for the entire film i am a model. do not give me a toothbrush, Dirg. 

Boc: *vigorously shaking Erika's hands underneath her skirt* huge fan.

Dirg: how can a movie with no dialogue be considered the best ever? i mean isn't this just another Kurt Russell Soldier situation?

Bela Tarr: i'm still pissed about that Beauty and the Beast Emma Watson adaptation so i refused all awards for this G.O.A.T. horse film of mine. i'm also angry cos i'm always hungry. the President had the nerve to call my movie horseshit. the president of my country that is. who's a dictator. the La Brea Tar Pits needs more bread. bread to soak up all that tar.

Eye Luggage: that narrator's voice scares me. it comes in to break the silence when you least expect it. his voice is too strong, too forceful, too to-the-point.

old man on stagecoach: what's with the whip?

Turin the horse: my previous owner was into S&M. DON'T FUCKING WHIP ME! DON'T MAKE ME SIC THE CAT FAMILIARS ON YOUR ARM!!! how'd you like it if i whipped you. with a whip.

old man: how'd you think i got my daughter?

daughter: can someone turn off the Air Conditioner outside?

old man: what's wrong with you, horse?

Turin: i've seen things. i'm traumatized. you don't want to go round digging in my past. i promise to eat if you stop stagecoaching.

old man: fine. i'm firing my man anyway i can't afford him, he's gone down to Donkey Island to have some fun with Pinocchio.

Turin the horse: when do i run the Belmont? i'm not going for the Triple Crown, i'm going for the Triple Turin! if you can survive Turin you can make it anywhere!

daughter: it's ready.

old man: what are we having for dinner tonight?

daughter: very funny. eat your one potato for the whole day.

old man: HOT HOT HOT!

daughter: you know how your mouth works? you can blow on the potato even with your beard.

daughter: no, papa! don't remove the skin! THE SKIN IS THE BEST PART!

Turin: brought to you by Keebler's Tato Skins chips.

Mardith: uh, this is creepy, the old man leers at his daughter every time she dresses and undresses him, why does she have to do that he's a grown-ass man. he's looking at her funny.

old man: just making sure she unbuttons my one-piece Waldo pajama-bottoms in order.

 

Mardith: .........oh now i see, the old man's got a broken arm. too much whipping.

Turin: and weeping.

daughter: staring out this bay window is like being back in San Francisco with my flatscreen mounted on my wall. i am NOT showering in this movie, director!

Laertus: okay when the neighbor barges in for brandy this thing becomes BANANAS!!! i mean your monologue is AMAZING, it goes on for hours! you did this all in ONE BREATH?!!!

neighbor: you see Existentialism is a sticky wicket. on the one hand it is ALL man and the other it is ALL God, but God doesn't exist. if you read between the lines of my long long LONG diatribe against society, institutions and institutionalized institutional things, and life in general, you will see like Star Wars it's a message for EITHER SIDE if they want to use it. is it a diatribe against the elite and a call for more popular Bumpism? or is it a warning not to let outsiders in for they will destroy everything? why is the world so fucked? cos it was always meant to be. will it ever change? not as long as i have this brandy. i am but one man so my opinion doesn't matter.

old man: i didn't hear a word you said but it was all rubbish.

Stevie Nicks: sure, blame the gypsies. they're just having fun.

old man: damn gypsies peed in my water hole! 

Laertus: gotta say, when the gypsies came on screen this thing finally ENLIVENED. i felt livened up, these characters had character with their tassels and talk, they gave me a jolt of energy.

old man: shoo fly shoo, you turned my water into buttermilk! GET OFF MY DIRT LAWN!!!

Stevie Nicks: Lindsey Buckingham, what happened to you?

Lindsey: what do you mean?

Stevie: you're a skeleton! do you want to get back together?

Lindsey: desperately.

  

old man: pack your things, we gotta go. 

daughter: where?

old man: good point.

daughter: where's my mom?

old man: not now.

daughter: this isn't Promised Neverland you know, we don't have another bomb-shelter church.

old man: what's in your trunk?

daughter: my prom dress. just in case.

daughter: come on, horse, eat. you gotta eat something. don't be anorexic, leave that for me. i mean i don't brush my own hair to brush YOUR hair, my hair is a mess!

Turin: sorry you missed your Prom Night. anorexia isn't a thing yet. 

daughter: why won't you eat?

Turin: I WANT TACO BELL!!!

old man: daughter why are we in complete darkness?

daughter: one of two. either you forgot to pay the electric bill or...

old man: electric bill?

daughter: yeah, coal is dirty, why don't you switch to electric like everyone else on the block?

old man: Elon Musk, he's Hungarian, right?

Jean-Paul Sartre: this is a piss-poor treatment of Existentialism. Existentialism should be glamorous, with people in fur coats and gold boots walking down red carpets riding white horses. 

cicadas: it was us. g'night, folks.

Pat reaches the stable and ninjas past the stableman.

Gina: and her daughter.

Pat unhinges the gate. Turin the Horse flies outta there! spreads his wings and flies like Willy into the ocean of clouds!

Pat: here's your egg fries. wait you had wings the whole time?

Turin: yeah but i needed someone to open the gate. i have hooves.

Mardith takes the stage after her show. she uneasily gazes left to right at her audience of sweaty redfaced fevered men angry that she didn't perform ALL-nude. they violently throw pink bows and pink ribbon at her hooved feet. Eric Erlandson of Hole is also there doing recon for the "Violet" video:

Mardith: we gotta come to grips. mobs of men ain't gonna cut it anymore. Indiana Jones was a pedo. let me tell you something about we girls, we girls don't pine for our exes, we pine for Anthony Bourdain.