notes:
* not the football player, the actor who is so natural he's gonna be big soon, he's gonna play Glass Joe in the Mike Tyson's Punch Out movie...
* if you printed out the directions to get here, you're in the right place...
* Live Laugh Love? no, everyone knows that, what every home needs is an oil painting of Julia Roberts...
* Lucille Ball: i laughed and tried to love...
* Richard Jeni: i laughed and tried to live...
* Larry King: i loved to keep from laughing...
* Jerry Seinfeld: Larry, i was serious that time...
* Larry King: btw, my next guest would have been Bill Maher...
* it's gonna be weird seeing Call Me By Your Name now. there are two camps now, two camps never the twain shall meet: you either saw it BEFORE and got THAT experience, or you see it NOW and it's just weird now...like the peach scene takes on a whole new meaning...
* quinoa: when do I appear in the Cosby Show reboot!!!?...
* Keanu Reeves: you'll NEVER be me, kid.
Joaquin Phoenix: i was heading there but an Oscar filler laced my quinoa with chicken fat out of spite. there's no rehab for that.
Keanu: i would be the better Batman.
Joaquin: no I would be the better Batman AND YOU KNOW IT
* i make MAJOR noises when i sit in a chair, when i sit on a couch, when i sit in my bed, when i fart on the toilet. i haven't old-man-drunk water with the sighing yet but when a millennial dental assistant called me getting-on-in-years at my last dentist visit, all i could do was sigh...
* Dr. Rick: you hear that?
man sighing as he sits down: no.
Dr. Rick: tumor. be glad i caught it.
healer: it's your bones crying out for calcium and freedom. your bones have much wisdom if you'll only hear them. time for your Spirit Walk.
man: i can't take a walk anymore in this world...
* Darth Vader Frankenstein-sits-down on the chair...
* Dr. Rick: exercise machines, not S&M...1920s exercise machines...
* Dr. Rick: we're gonna open a PDF.
group: what's that?
Dr. Rick: another name for porn, Pussy Dick Fuck.
group sighs
Dr. Rick: my porn-addiction seminar was canceled...they said due to covid but...
* sweet woman named Karen: no fussin no cussin no...
Oscar the grouch: hi.
Karen: i was gonna say mussin. i achieved this hair without mousse...
* Dr. Rick: dad jokes are bad jokes...unless you're Dick Christie then you're a rad dad...not a porn-star name...
* Daisy Ridley: i cried when Star Wars wrapped. what am i gonna do with myself now? there's nothing bigger than Star Wars. i'm still a young girl! luckily my tears provided the necessary water to revive the Amazon Forest. what is Rey Skywalker doing now? running around the forests of the Forest Moon of Endor training. wondering where the fuck Ben is. i mean who the sith shit am i gonna marry? Finn is with Lando's daughter, Poe actually changed colleges to chase a girl...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: no time for fast food! SNL starts back up! i need a drivethru in my backyard...
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