PUBS & PUBES

notes:

* The Queen: this is about as much fun as watching cricket oh shit i wasn't supposed to say that!!! relations will be set back centuries!!! all i hear are crickets!!!

Fox Mulder: i once did a beefcake calendar for quoits at Princeton...

The Queen: that's quaint, dear...

* Debra Wilson: so i finally make an appearance!!! after 15 years there's a Debra Wilson sighting!!! no i'm not gonna talk about Bryan Callen i'm not calling him. you know why MADtv BEAT SNL those years? cos i'm a queen and it was ME! MY skits, MY characters. i was the OG cast member, the one people remember, not the woman, just the one. where have i been all this time? waiting on The Boondocks like ev'ry else. i'll come back when STABLER comes back!!! have i gotten any of my tats removed? HELL NAW. i mean yeah i married Cliff Skelton, not a redbone thing, i truly thought he would be Rick Fox......... he was NOT...

* Debra Wilson: i was the first woman on broadcast tv to do a commercial parody where i explicitly talk about shaving off my vagina hair...

* Dirg: okay i want the girl in this video. it's not like that. it's not a Beautiful Girls supermodels situation. i appreciate a smooth landing strip but i don't want to see how the sausage is made. she's a Suicide Girl. her tattoos aren't just ink they mean something, they have red spots in them to indicate blood wringed from a dying rose. they mean she's from the skateboard streets of Costa Mesa, California and the curlers in her hair indicate she was once in a ska band in junior college. she hates what Gwen Stefani has become and she walks around the street with no underwear proudly displaying that full bush. i have coarse hair down there, too...

Laertus: no one has ever looked down there tho...

Dirg: ...and i have thin skin. and i get irritated easily. and i'm taking the bar, we're the perfect match.

* Laertus: these two commercials really do highlight the men v women thing from Beautiful Girls.

Eye Luggage: you two are idiots...

pretty boy who looks like Max Perlich: you wanna know why doing cardio will only make you fatter?...

Laertus: why are Schick razors so hard to find? why are they locked behind glass under a dartboard at the pub next to a shanty of ice cubes where the Guinness Storehouse is stored. like a glass lion from a  menagerie...

Eye Luggage: i want to drink EVERY sin of those 7 Deadly Zins over there on the counter...

Laertus: you know me and my limp wrist. but i tried to toss the dart into some sort of shoot. it didn't hit anywhere near close the target but it did hit the glass underneath and popped that whole glass cabinet open! now the brutes in the bar could finally embrace me with their big burly arms and hearty quaff laughs. one recalls how he was here in this very exact pub in 1973 with his Farrah Fawcett feathered locks and did not see James Blunt anywhere...

* Laertus: does AXE do for men what Venus does for women?

Dirg: and is this another Sesame Street DoorDash commercial?

* Tyzik: Hawaiian shirt, harmless. and he has two reflections...

* Dirg: no it's a McDonalds commercial with the singing sunflowers...

Pee-wee Herman: i lived on a stoop my first three years of life, nobody picked me up. i was a weird baby...

* Black Professor Black: this is definitely Berkeley. there's a pink flyer on off-white bank Ancient Roman  column. and newspapers still. and a bank. we stick to the hippie stone coins, we're suspicious of cryptocurrency...

Dirg: hot nubian babe with the big tits but she's modest cos she disguises it by wearing the black tie...

* Eye: everyone is at the window of the coffeehouse not to participate in the Covid Chorus but to pound on the windows cos that's a lot of caffeine

* Oscar the Grouch: Starbucks cold brew tastes like garbage-water...

Big Bird: when was the last time you cleaned your trashcan?

Oscar the Grouch: come here i wanna bite your beak off.

Big Bird: btw, that's not cold brew, that's beer...

* hot dog vendor: i'm not crosseyed, my eyes are just hep to the beat. and i'm honoring my favorite actor Forest Whitaker...

* we are three people spinning on a hot-dog roller it's that hot...

Venus Suicide Girl: *slap* WAKE UP! those are rollers in my hair, you were having a dream...

Dirg: oh no in this dream you're my sister! dammit!

* man: I CAN FLY! LOOK AT THE PARROTS ON MY SHIRT!!!

* man: see the double-decker bus? that indicates sophistication. i can get any girl in the world i want as long as i dab a pinkie-sprinkle of AXE behind my ear. see how you can't tell what race she is? she's a world citizen. she's olive but she's not Greek it's more she's ALL women in one.

* olive woman: i am here today before you to say outloud in the street Olive Oyl was NOT a prostitute. can we get that tv-show Alias reboot going soon? i'm perfectly dressed for that. dress for the job you want...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell is the clear winner of the Chicken Wars. that was a short war. in honor of Food Wars being back. i mean when you put a whole chicken patty INSIDE a taco shell you've won...

 

PhD PAT: SEVEN BREATHS

Pat: i will do what i have to do. i will trudge forth even if it counts me my life. i will not drink water. if i'm blocked at the gate i'll dig under. i won't let the universe stop me from living my dream!!!

Galivant: now you're talking, sweetie. 

Pat: it's your vagina vase, it inspires me, i look at it each morning on the sill before as the dawnlight breaks on its broken glued-together surface before i go test.

Galivant: you know that project wasn't just a resistance piece, it was a renaissance piece... 

Mardith: Netflix and chill?

Dirg: Netflix is a joke...

Katharine McPhee: breakfast is ready! it took me a LOOOOOOONNNNGGG time to culture these eggs...

Dirg: there is no cure,,,

Kramer: Seinfeld was a superhuman show...

Jerry Seinfeld: it was about Superman...

at the Weather Channel:

Colleen Coyle: of course i'm pregnant! what the Hell do you think there was to do during quarantine!

Dirg: that black dude in the shingles-vaccine commercial is Idris Elba...

Rege-Jean Page: that's my father...

Brooke Bourgeois: love me for my art not my name. can i get Chevy Chase to be my weird uncle? i can rehab him. weird with words.

Takahashi: video games are ridiculous, Project Cars is more expensive than my project car!!!

Pat: Seven Sisters, my next college experience. but is it in the classroom or in the sack?

Paris Hilton: reum means "prosecution", i know, red flag...

Doryce dunks her head in a pot of water then uses this pot of water to cook the spaghetti...

Ted Cruz: my daughters wanted to go to Cancun but i needed to go to Hawaii. why Hawaii? Adam Sandler's in Hawaii of course!!!

Mardith: *typing* replacing my exclamation points with periods...

Madame Pons: *typing* i accidentally hit the increase indent button. now one hit is two spaces. saves on button wear but it takes my eyes getting used to...

Eye Luggage: *typing* remember double-space in college?...

Dirg: *typing* these girls on Instagram with nothing upstairs.........no Instagram Stories i mean...

William Jennings Bryan: i changed my name to Bryant to honor Kobe...

Takahashi: see, Dirg? it's SSSS not SS Gridman, the Nazis will never win...

Dirg: when one mountain man fills the black wheelie-cart bin to the brim full of heavy hard wet leaves cos he's the gardener and the other mountain man lifts the heavy cart and puts it in his heavy chomping machine-truck cos he's a trash man who's been to the dentist, that's two men right there. two manly men. that's mountain-man-to-mountain-man communication...

Takahashi pulls up in a Citroen...

Dirg: great! one ride in your new car, Taka, and i will be cured of covid! Vitamin C...

Rege-Jean Page: the Progressive cute-guy-retainer commercial, that's me playing young, it's a Young Rock thing...

Laertus: my dad LOVES laundromats, they're so '80s...

Cher: that was a Three Stooges slap! that was a Little Rascals slap!

Nick Jonas: i literally WILLED the invention by the world of non-finger-stick diabetes, i WILLED the invention of the wheel...

Tricia Vessey: i hate basketball. i was born to be a female don, my father married Superman's moll.........just kidding, i'm from Monterey and wanted to hook up with Anthony Kiedis at rg burger, i wanted to have kids with Kiedis. when you're a doll in a gangster flick you go by Louise, not Louie.

Rege: you have to BURN not want 

Dirg: throughout this pandemic i've heard from lost forgotten relatives cousins uncles and washroom girls i didn't know i had.........but still not my father...

Dr. Rick: we're doing redneck jokes for old people!!

Laertus: 

WeatherTech, we never left...but we will we be bought up by a foreign company overseas soon, it's inevitable...

Steve Conte: *with "Stray" playing in the background* where's the moon? blue-furred dogs in Russia, Russia's real-life Wolf's Rain did not turn into a happy anime...

Putin: we misused our nuclear power, didn't watch that arrow on the energy meter, cos we were watching anime...

Dirg: so what, you're gonna cut 50% of the world's people out of your life FOREVER?...

Leo Sayer: i am actually the Fourth Beastie Boy...

Susan Stamberg: i'm from Newark. i did the whole gray-hair thing first...

crones: you mean grey, dear...

Dirg: Jack In The Box is the only fast-food joint you can loiter inside of at 3AM......well it used to be...

Madame Pons: one of my girls says Element chocolate rice cakes are Smith Island cake...

Sam Shepard: i wrote a play for Mia Kirshner...but she disappeared...

Jean-Paul Sartre: i'd like to introduce to you my daughter Charlotte...she's mother to one child...

Rubikon: the Seaside Round Table looks like a post office...

Bill Murray: you know i just realized this now, i'm the ONLY CELEBRITY EVER at these celeb golf tournament thingies...

Michelle Wie: at least you weren't paired with Giuliani...

Rudy Giuliani: pair of panties...

Dianne Nicolini: we need money. we need money dammit!!! we will always need money nobody listens to classical music!!! i'll give you all my wine and cheese just save the station!!!

Heather McCartney: of course i did pot, my dad got busted for it. pot short for pottery...

Paul McCartney: scrub that scouse...

Martin Yan: Junichi Goto was my son. i told him to lay off the bikes, cars are safer. you can't be FLCL in real life...

Olympic gymnast to Matt Lauer: this is revenge for when you said i had to give up that Olympic gold medal cos my score was ridiculously low...

Punkie Johnson: look at the moon, Soleil. it's time for a black Punky Brewster with vocal fry...

Olivia Rodrigo: you weren't expecting the fucks huh. next up: tit tats. i'm gonna be what Victoria Justice never was...

Dirg: California schoolboards say fuck...

Pete Davidson: hey you're cute!

Dirg: me?

Pete: Olivia.

Dirg: she's finally legal...

Dirg: that song is about a girl stalking a guy on his street...but she's hot so it's okay...

Martha Stewart: i didn't die in prison...

Bugs Bunny: i blew myself up at the opera for gajar. does that make me a bad bunny? 

Saloni Gaur: twitter is the new salon. twitter is for jokes, not hate...

Catweazle: i was if Doctor Who was Merlin...

James Holzhauer: Jeopardy winners, we're not just a group of assholes. the first homeless guy Alex Trebek helped was me...

Ken Jennings: no it was me...

Doryce to Dirg: if i have to put your trashed food in the recycling bin the least you can do is let me eat your food!

Zitkala-Sa: i train flocks of phoenixes---phoenii---to magic...some have bad skin...

Conan O'Brien: i relate to Lincoln. i like tall gangly men with weird faces...

Dirg: the only exercise i do is the pullup bar, that slide on Instagram Stories where you rate the video...

Codrus: you're gonna be shocked to death when you realize it was real after all and they are all really dead...

Samantha Rothenberg: fuck it, i'm doing a Mad Magazine for women!!!

Mark Hapka: i gots Indian blood in me...Native American blood...

Laertus: it feels like we all survived a battle...

Doryce: i promised myself i wouldn't go back to Starbucks until i could sit down in their dining room...

Cyborg: there's an ice wall in the middle of Antarctica...

Beast Boy: i ate the butter wall...

Raven: Beast Boy is best boy.

Malcolm X: i'm in the middle. i wanted to be President. i liked Judas and the Black Messiah better than One Night In Miami...

Codrus: same...

Jim Acosta: i will make a fine Health Secretary for Biden...

Mary Gross: i'm not a lesbian. just unlucky in love. i'm pretty not gross with a nice body and sexy librarian glasses. my brother went on to fame and fortune with Family Ties and didn't leave any for the rest of the family!!!

Hayley: i have the arc of the stars as the bow in my hand. i am bone-hard. cancer can't touch me up here in space...

Woody Allen: Allen v Farrow, sounds like some bad Alien remake...

Codrus: it's weird how Eric Nies didn't become Brad Pitt...

Eric Nies: i became a monk instead...

Mardith: can we bring back main squeeze?...

Alex Trebek: the new guy looks like Chip Esten. or the guy who played Robin Williams...

Brooke Shields: Mr. Pickles cursed me...

William Burroughs: remember when SNL still paid for my lunch?...and it wasn't all empty calories?...i'm a brilliant writer but the most uncomfortable performer you will ever witness in your life...i'll give you hives watching me...

Lauren Hutton: i'm playing Stevie Nicks in the Lifetime movie when the time is right...

Pilar Crespi: i went to Crespi...

police chief: i say the juicy bits about Tiger Woods in Spanish...

Putin: i like French cinema like everyone else. in Russia you can pee in bottles but only at my Palace...

Deputy Roach from Momma Named Me Sheriff: GET THAT HORN-HEADED CAPITOL RIOTER THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

Michael Weiss licking an ice cream on an Obec park bench: Instagram, dial up your fantasy...

David Spade: don't blame me for Tiger! we're just bros!

The Heuristic Squelch: we out here! West Side! we not The Rumpus, we don't write our comedy in no rumpus room, we don't HAVE a writers room!

The Rumpus: we got Derrida!!!

Bobby Shmurda: folk literally be counting the days down until my release from the slammer till i can slam her. in the youtube comments...EVERY FUCKING DAY for 7 years, nigga! hat drop today! the hat has landed!

Dirg: they wouldn't let me into FaZe House which was disappointing cos they are our last gasp at representation in the world. they let Sean Hannity in their clan...

Takahashi: notice how i have absolutely nothing to do with this...

crones: we have escaped to the chateau...

Boc: i got a rototiller! 

crones: Eiffel 65 "Blue", those lyrics are our chant...

Mardith: blue puts a spell on me...

Kawhi: if i were LeBron with the raw power of my Instagram finger i would Like EVERY SINGLE POST i could find to influence ALL the influencers and become the real KING of the world! i stroll the street meditating, i train in a basement to be the next samurai. the next Ghost Dog with claws for paws.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Laertus: life is about loving the wrong people, that's why i'm friends with Dirg...

Eye Luggage: Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai and go. like a comic book come to life. Liquid Sword, a type of CBD and good beats

Laertus: Liquid Knife, laffy taffy and gum

Dirg: Liquid Gun, Star Wars...

Laertus: great film. seedy and underground from the start, i fell in love with those dark grimy sets, reminded me of Batman. those bodega ministreets of liquor aquariums and crime that make up the downtown of any scummy city, that's what life is all about! that's where a samurai can swoop down and do the work! i don't care what you say, this was filmed up North, this isn't some Sopranos ripoff, this was filmed in Canada! it has all the earmarks of Canadian sci-fi and fantasy television! namely the sets and streets! i mean for fuck sake the back of the corner alleyway warehouse where the mob have their family meeting is WHERE SPINNER FROM DEGRASSI WORKED AFTER SCHOOL!!! the greasy spoon, where Travolta switched faces! Jim Jarmusch is Canadian i don't care what you say, i mean look at that blue-rinse hair! the ice-cream truck-man! he speaks French! French-Canadian! who Canadian do you know in New Jersey!!!?

Lauren Fix: that really is my given last name. Ghost Dog knows cars but not as well as me. can he hotwire a car while looking this hot and caring for small kids? my nieces hotrod golf carts. love that Ghost Dog wears gloves, as a samurai he had the ancient mystical spirit foresight of covid. V A P O R W A V E A T N I G H T sets the moody mood. the atmosphere hits you like film school. driving down empty streets at night gives you the time and freedom and silence to think, meditate, read Japanese scrollbooks outloud. driving down empty streets at night, i recognized this, too, i had the foreknowledge, it's not scary, it's a new genre of music: hip-hop at night is vaporwave.    

Forest Whitaker: no relation to Doctor Who. i became Ghost Dog for one reason: i got to kill a pair of red-hatted Bump supporters onscreen. the red hat is the new red pill. i mean Bump's name was never invoked, they were a pair of hunters who called me coloured, but you get the drift... 

Rubikon: illegal is illegal, right Dirg? illegal hunting is...

Dirg: ...not people hunting.

cat familiars: SAVE ALL ANIMALS! what are we to make of the sublime performance of our good friend the dog in this film?

dog: silent but deadly. i box in invisible waves. still waters run deep. i have no lines but i stare at Ghost Dog, don't steal my dog moniker that's not for humans. i know what you did, Ghost Dog, i know your secrets, i don't have to bark about it...

Dirg: i thought the black French ice cream dude was in fact RZA who did the soundtrack...

Roger Ebert: *glaring at the Forest like a dog* Ghost Dog, i loved you in this. i loved you reading the passages of the Hagakure, the way the book blends in and out of the scenes, but let's be serious here, you aren't a trained martial artist or anything. you merely use this book to shield you from the abject horror of being desperately alone in society with no one to turn to. Ghost Dog is in fact insane, he's applying this code of the sword to make himself feel special, feel on his wide body the soft felt of a samurai's robe when all he has in his life are rows, cornrows. you're a street vagrant with no skills. no life skills. no Liam Neeson skills. you were a homeless man Alex Trebek couldn't help. 

Gene Siskel: it is cool how samurai guns are inserted replacing samurai swords. i came THIS close to living long enough to review this film...

Ebert: our last show together the last film you ever reviewed was about Helena Bonham Carter in a wheelchair wanting to fuck Obi-Wan Kenobi. Gene, can you believe you missed the entire 21st Century!

Siskel: tis a blessing. i didn't miss anything, life became terrible after the '90s. like Bobby Shmurda missing the entire Bump Administration. rising stars: Christina Ricci is still on the list, right? Roger, i was the only one who could keep up with you, control you, i trained, i meditated, until i finally surpassed you, i surpassed you my master...

cat familiars: LET GO OF THE PIGEONS!!! don't use beautiful birds in the commission of human folly!!! get that note off that poor bird's foot, we are not your slaves!!!

Tyzik: i thought the black dude in the ice cream truck was that guy from Lost. 

Dirg: Ghost Dog can't understand a word of French ice-cream man says. you know that's the recipe for the best friendships...i want to spraypaint-graffiti that ice cream truck...

Dirg: there will never be ghosting between them, Ghost Dog had to whack Casper. and the fat guy turns around and it's not Ghost Dog, it's the fat guy from Lost. the worst thing you can ever call an Italian is white...

Takahashi: i love that everyone in the world of this film watches cartoons to pass the time. it was a simpler time back then. old-timey cartoons. Betty Boop, Popeye...

Dirg: ...and Popeye's prostitute Olive Oyl...you can shoot a bullet through tape?

Gorilla Glue: only if it's doublesided tape...

Eye: i was disappointed, i thought the chick in this was gonna be Ghost Dog's love interest, i wanted some swirly sex.

Ghost Dog i only help out on the street when the person getting mugged ISN'T Bruce Lee. or when i could do a better rap. those park punks were okay but they ain't no Shmurda. my favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, ironically...

Camille Winbush: don't make fun of my name. cone me but never clone me, you can't clone me! look at me, look how unique i look!

Shmurda: i approve...

Eye: the little girl is quite perceptive. she knows Ghost Dog has no friends. he lives on a roof, that's not normal even if you are a sniper or a pigeon-tenderer. not pigeon tenders. 

Laertus: i'm sorry but Ghost Dog gives that second-rate mob stoolie regional captain WAY TOO MUCH RESPECT. i know he did ONE good thing in his life and wasn't a bystander for ONCE and saved his life and there's a code and everything but...you see what happens in the end? retainer, that label means nothing, Ghost Dog is felled by his own master!

Ghost Dog: i have a retainer in my mouth, distracts from my eye...

Laertus: did NO ONE in this film ever think to themselves it might be a good idea to wear a bulletproof vest!!!?...

cat familiars: the bird that lands on Ghost Dog's scope of his gun at the mob mansion Palace is the same bird that saved the man from killing himself in the Collective Soul "The World I Know" video...

Kurt Cobain: and suddenly this becomes The Matrix. Georgia grunge, that Jesus song from Collective Soul came out one year after me, shame, so close, this close, just missed...

Trent Reznor: all music is suicide-prevention...

Dirg: you can shoot someone through a pipe?

Mario: a white man doing a terrible black rap dance. sigh. learn form my jumps how to dance.

Pat: pressure make diamond or bust pipe. but burst pipes are bad...

cat familiars: it's not glamorous, okay? pigeons flying in the glittery shiny gold Cubicle Vestibule of Rome but no one sees the behind-the-scenes.

the Pope: bird.

Laertus: i hate when white gangsters try to utilize do-rags. but my dad does look like Christopher Durang...

Eye: you rang? so white Omerta have free reign to say the n-word? in the n-nineties?

Ghost Dog: are you a made man?

Pearline: i'm a little girl. 

Ghost Dog: what did you think of Rashomon?

Pearline: it was a Choose Your Own Adventure. 

Ghost Dog: that's just cos it was a paperback. 

Ghost Dog: here, Louie, a book is more valuable than a life...

Louie: *crying*  i promise to read it...or have Tricia Vessey read it to me...

Jim Jarmusch: we didn't want having a little girl firing a loaded gun...

Raymond: all my tears are making my ice cream salty...mmmmm, new flavor!...

Eye: and we have it all set up for the sequel, with Pearline becoming the next Ghost Dog...

RZA: hey don't forget about me. cold lampin, cooler than loitering. loiter squad. the little girl can be the third movie, i'm the second...

Ghost Dog to little girl: you know Sweetback? same as me but the children are treated better here. you know Richard Roundtree? same as me but i dreaded my fro. i loved my fro so much i cornrowed it. i became Ghost Dog cos i saw the eyes of Rudy G, those Giuliani eyes bugging out at me and i knew i could no longer remain silent...

Rubikon and Takahashi: the main lesson here is the one in the middle of the good book in the film:

if you can learn to truly live in the present, you have lived. you make a decision in seven breaths. and you never think about the consequences of the decision 40 years down the line in the future, you live in the moment, you never talk about it, you remain silent about your decision, you don't gab up your fevered troubled head, you don't worry what others think of your decision or your reputation, all you have is this very moment now. that's all your life. if you experience this, live this moment, not live in the past of your rumors or the future, you are here, you are present, you are breathing samurai...

Mardith and Madame Pons: agreed. g'night, folks.

by a lamp at the college library, Pat takes a breath and is ready to confront Galivant:

Galivant: how did studying go? i know about you. tell me what i know.

Pat: i tried to wish you a happy birthday. i typed in a message but your website ate my comment! i guess i'm not on the list!

Galivant: i don't have a list.

Pat: i know you, i know your manner, you have a sharp tongue, you use language to sear into me what you mean, your words are samurai swords in my belly everytime you tell me something. so i wanted your birthday message from me to be an equally potent parry. a strike to your soul. i had to choose my words carefully. when my first message got dropped i became angry. but i breathed seven times and wrote the second message with my usual wit words instead of my cynical words.  

Galivant: i appreciate that. that's living a life of no regret, always acting on your second instinct. but everyday is my birthday.........when i'm with you...

Pat: one last question. did we have sex?

Galivant: do you feel we had sex? if you do we did, if you didn't we didn't.

Pat: i don't know. i did take seven breaths before cumming.

Galivant: i eat gravity. i have better balance than you.

 

TMIT: THAT'S THE FIRST DOCTOR WHO!

1. what food did you eat so much of that now you hate it?

this question makes me very sad. it has forced me to reflect, recollect, and realize. you see i used to LOVE Abuelita, it was that very specific brand of hot-cocoa mix only found in the backalleyways of Mexico. i shared it with my mother in our cocina, me wearing her apron. it stirred in me images of my Aztec ancestors and grandmas waiting for me at the bus stop in the forest with Sweeter Coke and spicy Pulparindo in their satchels they wore around their backs. it's not just another gas-station hot chocolate with the gas nozzle tipped with whipped cream, it's special ancient glorious frothy gingerbready Down Under chocolat!  

something happened, i lost the taste for Abeulita. all the joy pumped out of me.

same with top ramen. i don't know what happened, i lost the taste for it one day. i used to slurp that stuff down like it was catnip, i ate pounds and pounds of it at a time, especially the Chicken flavor. but then my tongue stopped liking it. i think this has to do with me not being in college anymore, you can only enjoy ramen if you're in a dorm...

2. what two films would you like to combine into one? 

Star Wars and Star Trek. i wanna see Data fight Chewbacca. i wanna see Patrick Stewart make fun of Darth Vader for not having a British accent after all...

i wanna see Princess Leia Amazon-position fuck Spock. let's see if Spock can maintain his composure throughout that...

which two songs do i combine? "We Didn't Start The Fire" and "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)", i dare you, i DARE you to sing that combined song by heart without looking at the lyrics...

3. what song do you feel compelled to sing along with when you hear it even if you don't know all the words?

"Bohemian Rhapsody", especially when i stick my head out of a stationwagon. or it's the last song of the night at karaoke bar. 

you know what's weird? "Bohemian Rhapsody" wasn't popular at all when it first came out, it only became the global megahit it is today after it was on Wayne's World...

and there are kids right now who only know of Wayne's World because of the Uber Eats commercial...

4. what is the weirdest place you have ever slept? Starbucks...

5. who is the weirdest person you have ever slept with? why:

Jack Tripper. because it was the '70s, the last decade of casual sex, and i thought we were gonna keep things casual. but before i knew it i was his roommate...

BONUS: what do you think you do better than 90% of people? think

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I'M GLAD

notes:

* David Letterman: of course i sucked on Jennifer Aniston's hair, it was a bit, that was the bit!

Jennifer Aniston: i was a good sport about it. i get it, white girl with dreads, it's a curiosity. but did you have to make me clean off after? i mean i had to put the poor tissue in my pocket...

* Cameron Diaz: this sucks, i thought you said i'd be working with Dolly Parton...

* Codrus: what on god's great is that Missing Link animal up top there?

Cotard: that's a garbageman, you've never see one of those cos you're always sleeping...

* Tom Bosley: speaking of 9-to-5, welcome, Cameron.

Cameron Diaz: yeah yeah. i know the drill. you were a show about the '50s done in the '70s. can we at least play Weezer instead of Elvis?...

* Glad trashmen: we got a purple trash truck and bubbles. we're just happy that's all. we're just glad...

Boc: i'm glad for GLAAD.

* wife: need a hand? why did i marry such a weak man.

husband: what, i look like Dylan McDermott. i got the sinewy hairy forearms.

wife: no, the polka-dot apron. you thought you scored bagging me, huh.

husband: i don't care, i got my hot Asian, this is exactly what i asked for, put a hex on me, put a dragon spell on me and make my arms Popeye arms.

wife: you know my father is Martin Yan, yeah? you know the dude with the butcher knife...

* DJ: wake up, SNL radio skit! is there anybody in downtown anymore? any callers? rush to callers? turn up the Quiet Storm no one can hear it!!! why is my mic frozen? oh yeah this is a Texas radio station. is public radio still a thing? Aurora, Illinois are you there? everyone does podcasts now. i'm gonna polycule Rick Dees and do a Weenie Roast, you can KIIS-FM my ass! 

* Bobby Moynihan: hi. i painted this Matisse myself. i'll be playing the part of that poor unfortunate soul guy who lost his life filming Weird Al Yankovic's UHF...

* dairy maiden: don't worry, cow, you ain't brown, i'm not a Garbage Pail Kid, buttercup is a song not a maneuver...

* Jason Sudeikis: i'm going back to pitchman cos i need a distraction. like an old glove-sock doing this SNL skit. i don't really like Keeley Hazell but my agent says i have to be with someone for the press...

* goat: remember Vine?

* Burger King: back of the McDonalds, that's what they don't want you to see. we have a new chicken sandwich that's a complete ripoff of Popeyes...

* Japan: we did our country exactly like Times Square...except we have people in ours...

* plane: thunder is Spanish...

* oh shit! the Perseverance discovered the first Glad Bag on Mars!!!...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: either the new chicken sandwich from Burger King or Straw Hat Pizza, i discovered one in Central and it's giving me Southern '80s nostalgia. back then they gave out straw hats to the kids. i wore my straw hat and it was eaten by a goat...

Roger Federer: i was that G.O.A.T. i don't care what the media says...

 

PhD PAT: FOR SOPHIE

Pat: i'm learning to cope with and without you. with Bono's help.

Bono: i'm a star but i'll never be the stars. i'll never be as great as one-name SOPHIE. cos she was capitalized.

Pat: in this impossible life the only thing that will save us is love. broken love. love between two broken people.

Judge Judy: or three...

Pat: i need to do that thing where i crash a vase against a baker's kiln. and put the pieces back together as a jigsaw for heart therapy.

Takahashi: yeah but you need a Japanese vase...

Michael McKean: i did that Cigarette-Smoking Man bit so well on SNL The X-Files phoned me and asked me to come on their show for real!

Joe Piscopo: Fair Dinkum, now that's a man's sport...

Fox Mulder: Joe Piscopo is still alive?

Sandra Fluke: is Rush Limbaugh dead yet?

Death: ditto

Marilyn Manson: i respect Ozzy Osbourne, he was me before me...

Courtside Karen: okay so i had a few. i drank so much before i knew it i went from LeBron to Australia. i have no idea how i walked on the ocean. ironically i fly the Spain flag...

Nadal: your middle finger cursed me...

Takahashi drives a berlin carriage across the ocean and it turns into a Berlina sedan.

Laertus: see Dirg? the Nazis will never win.

Leslie Sbrocco: French 75...

Eye Luggage: ma'am i love you but i can't endorse war...

Madame Pons: even though this is a great date drink...

Dirg: Leslie, your tits are like howitzers...

Kornheiser: ...

Wilbon: take that porkpie hat off! who do you think you are Tone, Vince Lombardi?

Kornheiser: just an old-timey newspaper man named Tony...i want my own CGI...

Charles Rocket: come on you can't deny. America wanted more Rocket Report.

Kate Courtney: i majored in mountainbiking. without me there would be no Logger Mud Mountain Haulers...

Bruce Springsteen: so one measly DWI is gonna prevent the United States of America from coming together...

Tina Craig: enough is enough!!! i know Daniel Dae Kim. and he knows me don't tell his wife. we rich but we ain't crazy. i have the power to stop the Lost reboot, Joss Whedon!

Joss Whedon: this is why i created the Whedonverse, it's a nifty little pocket universe for me to slip inside of and hide when the heat on me gets too hot, i can lay low in there for a while...

WandaVision: JOSS WHEDON COPIED US!!! Disney is suing your ass! we just got that now: Wanda + Vision = wandavision...

Buffy: time to break out my stake out. time to get my stake back out again. wow, this thing is dirty and dull-edged...

Pence to LeVar Burton: look, after my life flashed before my eyes, i want to change. i want my green leaf to turn brown. i'll fund your Reading Rainbow reboot but it must be renamed Bleeding Rainbow...

Joe Piscopo: what is it with people who were on SNL thinking they are now qualified to run for public office?...

Gary Kroeger: ...

Gary Kroeger: SNL was better when they had jugglers...

crones: this is why we never became nuns, we were already taking correspondence courses before covid...

Christine Ebersole: i had it rough. nobody believed me when i said MY Ebersole had an extra e, no nepotism involved. i wish they went back to having 2 skits connected to each other, an Act I and an Act II of a play...

Brian Doyle-Murray: i am NOT Ed Asner. the linoleum knife is not meant to be Soviet...

Yoko Ono: SNL was better when they had Andy Warhol...

John Patrick Shanley: i should have written SNL skits back in the day, i'm good at writing plays...

Stanley Tucci: not Shanley Tucci. i created a cocktail that broke the internet. it also broke my hair...

Dirg: negroni, not racist...

Martin Yan: gave you a perm...men can get perms, not a gay thing...

Katie Thurston: i'm not thirsty. i don't hide behind my family's old money buried on Gilligan's Island...

Matt James: the fuck-a-ghost thing?

Katie: meant nothing by it. i'm a hippie chick, i'm cool. sorry if i still use a beeper, not many calls in the woods...

the crones befriend Albertus Seba and his cabinet of curiosities. 

crones: well actually we befriended the talking lizard, Kevin "Kline" Lizard...a kind lizard...

Albertus Seba: not the guy from Harry Potter, i deal in REAL dragons...

Johnny Depp: whaddaya say, Madonna. i don't have anything else going on, nothing going for me.

Madonna: you got a thing for blondes, huh

Dirg: yeah but you guys have a twitter mob...

Gina Carano: Norman Jewison, he was my best friend, he was a fine bounty hunter...

Martin Yan: i'm not afraid of dying. no but i'm the only human on planet earth who ACTUALLY means that...

Jamie Raskin: don't make fun of my hair i was a monk before...

Madame Pons: one of my girls gets way too many food deliveries to her house, that's dangerous for a single girl...

Doryce: the bathroom after Mardith showers, how to clear all that steam. either turn up the heat in the Treehouse...

Gladyce: ...or the cold. open a window in the Treehouse and let the rain-cold air in to evaporate the fog. how magical!

Dirg: i look at Mardith's mirror to tell...

cat familiars: the Treehouse was better when the heat was a fire...

Lauren Holt: SNL's Weekend Update is just (jost) a space for the cast members to air out their grievances about their love lives and dating lives...

Jodie Whittaker: let me be on the SNL cast, you've done this before...

Doryce, staring at her cereal: my FOOD is now caffeine!!!

Kenyatta: Wikipedia is creepy, take it from me. our editors are nice but they get access to a person's life and get to make judgments in secret over this soul and this life in the backpages...

Atalan: just woke up, what'd i miss?... 

Cotard: still doing PR for Aquaman i see

Eye Luggage: that Super Bowl commercial just reinforces the fact for all time that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton WILL ALWAYS BE WEIRD.

Michael Weiss on a party boat: Instagram, it's just weird. i mean you see people's private uncensored unfettered unprocessed rantings they wouldn't show their mother...

Gladyce: is it good luck or bad luck to let in a butterfly?

Teen Titans Go: yep, we copied the Titan move in our Raven Sinister-16 birthday-episode. our 2 studios are right next door to each other...

Madame Pons: Zuru Smashers, Dino Ice Age Surprise, also known as our line of LUSH bath bombs for kids...

Dirg: Folkmoot, North Carolina was medieval first...

Roger Federer: everything's a sport, tennis and impeachment...

Dan Levy: unlike the former President, i left a note...

Julie Oliver Gentry: i was America's first country-bumpkin sweetheart...

Dirg: the only article AV Club will let me write is where are all the video-game romantic rejections?...

Dennis: we at the AV Club hereby christen you an expert...

Kathryn Newton at Pebble Beach: if the other timeline held---the Notre Dame-Crespi one not the Notre Dame-Palma one---i would be married to Pat right now...

Willy: my phone's been ringing off the hook from George RR Martin to do an Attack on Titan live-action...

Rege-Jean Page: book it, i'm gonna be the next Samuel L Jackson...

Doryce: i can't hear!!!'

Gladyce: that's why i chew gum.

Dirg: Valsalva?

Mardith: not vulva.

Madame Pons: come on down to LUSH we specialize in ear candles!!!

Dirg: ear candling only works if you're naked...

Bruce Chandling: i wish my name was Candless on this Valentine's Day...

Cecily Strong: i use animals on SNL, too, dogs, not monkeys...

Andre Agassi: i live, i live immortally. i am the reincarnation of Marco Pantani...

Florence Given: i'm trying to bring yellow back. yes i like the '70s. no i'm not Ke$ha... 

cat familiars: we don't want kisses, we want water!!!

Eye Luggage: it's subtle but notice how there's a male interviewer for the female Chipotle cooks for the commercials but not the male ones...

Cecily Strong: we had our own Teen-Titans-Go elbow-cum sketch...

Madame Pons: sorry but all this Self-Love shit is garbage. it's HARD to be alone. 

Mardith: preach sister. be the cherry on top not the cake, babes.

Bubbleblabber: we do op-eds.........for some reason......op-eds no one reads...

Dirg: i'm worried, everyone on Instagram is recognizing Chinese New Year as the REAL New Year around the world...

Michael Weiss in a white fencer's mask: Instagram is like the Fire Force Collective...

Michael Weiss carrying a ballpeen mallet hammer: what is facebook? what doth facebook? they treat us like monkeys always up for the next game to solve in the next post, the next prompt to respond to like a salivating pooch. they're trying to get us all in relationships...

Susan Saint James: i met my husband on SNL. Ebersol, no e. he was a dick in 2002 but we reconciled after that summer. it would have been a bad look if the divorce finalized the same year as the plane accident...

Dirg: Monica McNutt makes me nut.........hey i'd join the Alphabet Mafia, that's a cool name......when a Christian hiphop star looks like Chester Bennington...

Roger Federer: maybe i should try zoloft...we don't have Swiss pie so i stuck my junk in an American pie...

Judith Leiber: how i went on a diet from burgers...

Jillian Clare: i know it's hard. i know it's a sacrifice but you gotta lay off the fast food till 15-bucks-an-hour. 

Mardith: you teach me so much each day...

Tyzik: The Tom & Jerry Movie, the closest thing we're ever gonna get to Who Framed Roger Rabbit II...

Brad Gilbert: but......Pegula Hoop...Jessie's Girl...these were GOOD!...

Michael Weiss using the ipad from 2001: A Space Odyssey: i have this fetish where i like to connect people through Instagram. i try to match up disparate random completely different people with Instagram to see if i can spark a strange friendship...

Raf Simons: the '80s War on Drugs made me NOT like Morrissey...

Dirg: only Cthulhu can save Christmas now!

Cecily Strong: it's impossible to HATE a fellow SNL castmember, you have to hug this person at the Goodnights!!! you can't fake that hug!!!

Princess Latifa: i gotta get the hell outta here!!! i need to become The Equalizer...

Mary Robinson: how are you enjoying your cold cuts, dear?...

Princess Latifa: i had to become a Jedi to have a baby!!!

Djokovic: fall? The Fall is what makes my career so snakebitten, me more than all humans since the Garden of Eden. with me it was from jump, i was always looking up at Nadal's and Roger's butts. is it Fall in Australia now? torn? yea like that hit single from your precious Australian soap-opera diva, you and your country's raven-haired sheilas...

Ellen Kushner: i wrote Bear Grylls's life story...

Mardith on her Instagram: let's see who loves me...

Kavita Patel: i'm hot, i should be on G.L.O.W....

Michael Weiss wearing a big pink bunny suit: Instagram is a safe space for people to show their deranged side...

Ted Cruz: i just want to be liked...that's why i like President Bump...

Joe Piscopo: okay so maybe i am cursed. i mention Jessica Savitch in the sketch and she drowns. but in fairness that was Andy Rooney...

Ruth Mora: i'm the reincarnation of Elvira...

Celeste Mountjoy: sometimes you feel like a nut...

Deborah Solomon: i'm fair. a fair critic. you don't have to like me. but don't destroy me on Wikipedia just because you can't handle me giving you a bad review. stop sending me hairspray in the mail. i'll give you an art entity if you do...

Dirg: that's worse than an STD

Kimberly Goss: guess my ethnicity. see? it doesn't matter. the only thing that matters is we never got divorced, it's harder to sign those papers than people think.

Alexi Laiho: harder to let go...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Dirg: smug smog. that hired killer was too wack to whack.

Harry Anderson: that bridge up there looks familiar. meow. i've flipped cards under that same moon, done card tricks by a trashcan fireplace outside in the snow, but that was back when SNL was good...

Jean-Paul Sartre: they were trying to turn me into Orson Welles! with snowpeas found only in France!

Eye: Moonstruck and go...

Dirg: i didn't strike her...

Spalding Gray: now you see how the other half lives. now you see me from the other side. remember? this was the film i was viewing in the theatre for my monologue. i look like Shanley. i'm better-looking than Shanley...

John Patrick Shanley: everyone says i look like a priest...

Codrus and Cotard: you do! you're hot!

Dirg: New York City AGAIN!!!???

Laertus: this script is a slow burn, at first i saw it as ordinary. but the more it sat with me after it ended and i pondered the moon in the night sky as i thought about it, the more it stayed with me. the words fall into place, they're clever, the connections and callbacks, it all makes sense. good job, Shanley.

Mrs. Roper: good job, Stanley.

Stanley Roper: that's not a cum splooge on our title card...

Eye Luggage: we can all agree that this film wouldn't be THIS film without Cher's sterling performance. she lifts this script to the moon! she is just in control of all her powers here. she is young, light, and charismatic!

Laertus: she needed the WAY OTHER WAY, something fluffy and funny after the dour tragedy of Mask...

Dirg: poor Kim Novak...

Mardith: i love Kim Novak's salt-mandala paintings...

Martin Yan: i liked Cher's hair better permed...she looks better bald...

Takahashi: remember, this is about an Italian family, but all Italian families represent EVERY family especially Japanese families...

Rubikon: and black families, ironically. in the rush i forgot that Rush met an operatic end. he died in that balcony in the Capitol. i understand everything they were saying up there on that stage in the opera, Italian opera comes from rap...

Dirg: it's all Latin to me...

Laertus: it's tricky, see. Nic Cage seems like a mook with no education who can only make pizza in a doughy-stone kiln but he's got feelings, the deep feelings of a Shakespearean scholar, a mean-mugged monologuist, and he LOVES opera!  i mean what man you know these days who likes opera?

Joe Pera, raising his hand: it's in my name...

Bugs Bunny raising his hand: Bugs Beta.

Eye: okay i know it's cheating and i know it's brothers but i don't blame Cher one bit. Nic Cage is looking nice and crisp and young and HOT in that white T-shirt! those muscles ain't pepperoni!

Dirg: and suddenly i'm hungry for pizza.........the song not Nic...

Cher: I'M FREEZING TO DEATH!!! AND I'M NOT IN TEXAS!!!

Eye: i fainted when Nic says GET IN MY BED!!!

Pat: it's the Phoenix tattoo on his back!!!

Spalding Gray: Nic's right when he says the only love that matters in this world is broken love...i know that bridge...

Tony Scott: me, too...

Eye: i mean Cher has a choice between Nic Cage and putrid Danny Aiello. Danny Aiello makes me physically ill, he makes my vagina vomit, it's an arid aioli desert in there in my vagina when i think of him, he's less sexy than Gilbert Gottfried.

Gilbert Gottfried: i shoulda been in Fried Green Tomatoes...

Danny Aiello: hey! gooblygaloosh! watch that mouf! keep talking smack about me and i'll send the feds to whack a woman. yous the woman. i don't respect a man who can't control his woman.

Eye: why is it old John Mahoney couldn't keep his young college freshman-freshfaced female girl-babe students? they never became his girlfriends or wives after their flings. the only thing he got flung was water in his face!!!

Pat: because he wasn't a Princeton professor. he was an NYU professor. of history. his history. he's history. it would have worked if he had been a Dartmouth professor...

Eye: i would punch you right in the kisser, Danny Aiello! i'd take all the truffle aioli for myself! but you had to wear that ash cross on your forehead TODAY of all days!!! that's your shield, you're hiding behind religion!!!

Anita Gillette: i got this after doing Season 6 of SNL...after SNL promised me they were gonna do a sitcom based on Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice...i didn't have to shave or nuttin'...

crones: we played the part of Gina DeAngeles...

Dirg: the old biddy with the huge jugs?

Kramer: i played Cher's father. not all Italians are racist towards blacks...

Laertus: please, Cher! as a bookkeeper save the used bodega bookstores!

Dirg: got hit by a bus? sure. it's the same story as Alice from the Diner...

Pat: dying mothers aren't funny, they're our only connection to this world.

Olympia Dukakis: you're getting married? do you love him? no? good.

Dirg: the weird wooden hand tho. it just doesn't fit with the rest of the script. it's supposed to be funny but i find it sad. like they were going for something dramatic with the hand like an aborted Pinocchio or futuristic but Ghost In The Shell and The Piano were still in their infancy...

Cher: hi, guys. the famous slap scene. the script called for ONE slap but i slapped him twice, that was my on-the-spot improv. and what won me the Oscar. i kept seeing Sonny Bono's face in Nic Cage's face...

cat familiars: see those dogs! how messy how uncouth! how untrained, running around the linoleum halls of the house without a leash, barking at the moon like they can produce music, neanderthal music of howls! we sing for catchy cat jingles. we cats have a refined sense of ourselves in the pitched universe, we see the moon as a source of milk...

Cher: you're a wolf.

Nic Cage: it's the hair, right? i look like a werewolf.

Cher: no, you dance like Michael Jackson in bed...that line meant something different in the '80s...

Cotard: lone wolves are sexy.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: ah yes, the moon that gets brighter the more you look at it. can't see the pigeons anymore. it's not cos your love is growing brighter, it's the observer effect. the thing is, that moon is hurtling toward Earth at great breakneck speed and will cause a supernova within seconds...

Cotard: i played the priest in the confessional booth! see how hip i am! i was drinking during that scene...

Codrus: from a hip flask. sacramental wine so it was okay.

Cotard: no, vodka. model special.

Rudy G: La Boheme is about a baseball player who joins the Mets...

Eye: you wouldn't know the first thing about being a bohemian!!! stop being a rapper!

Cher: that opera was great, just like a soap opera. i stepped on Rivers Cuomo's head in the balcony...

Rivers Cuomo: i went immediately to a nursing home...

Olympia Dukakis: whaddaya say? you do Say Anything and i'll do Steel Magnolias...

John Mahoney: and we'll rule the '80s...

Mardith: i would have liked to have seen Olympia Dukakis fuck John Mahoney in this Olympic year, i think that would have been cute. she could have done the Italian maneuver on him, cumming as he retreats...

Dirg: is that like an ice-cream swirlie?

Laertus: the soul of this film:

why do men chase women?

Dirg: they fear death, Death the Family Guy character, voiced by Adam Carolla so he gets the babes. 

why do women chase men?

they don't, women hold all the cards. men go after young chickadees cos if they can still bag one they preserve their worth to this world, prove they matter, they deserve to still live, it proves their virility, their energy, their influence, their lifeforce. otherwise hey can only look forward to death, or worse, staidity. thus if you look at it from this side marriage to men is useless, it's a cage...

Nic nods.

Carrie Fisher: not a trap...

Fuerza: someone tell a joke.........don't say "God"...

Olympia: my husband BETTER not leave me! i'm the glue that holds the world together!!! flip that table if you're gonna pound it like that! pound ME like that! be a man! be a wrestler and strike ME! we don't wrestle in the bedroom like that no more. it's the food we eat. from now on no more Olive Garden! no more playing Mario to all your Peaches around town! there is no such thing as gold pipes, that's a video-game invention! copper should be in Olympic medals! your pipes burst cos you were that cold to me! how could you be so unfeeling! i make the BEST breakfast, runny eggs in the middle of a donut, i invented that!

Dirg: the old man wasn't like a Father Ted old man, disappointed.

Cher: the money? of course i stole the money, look at my hair...

Eye Luggage: i would have thrown that ring right into Danny Aiello's throat!!! like a Mets pitcher. g'night, folks...

Galivant visits Pat at college. she's gonna fix him a hot meal. first she goes to the salon to makeup her bodega bellybutton and shave her head for the Australian Open heat. she places a steak over her vagina to cool it. the same steak for their dinner for two, dinner por duo. she eats all the moon cookies she prepares in her Easy Bake baker-donut-kiln oven. one last thing, the resistance piece, she fires a vase in her homemade kiln---her vagina---and presents it to Pat as a gift.

Pat: i LOVE this vase! it's broken and everything, i can see the creases of the pieces.

Galivant: but not the seams in my acting...

Pat: but where are the flowers?

Galivant: i threw them out. i threw the water. leaving only the glue i used to glue back the broken pieces. except i didn't use glue on the vase. i used all the glue by putting it all in my hair...

 

TMIT: ROOTING THROUGH MY BELONGINGS

1. whom do you prefer to discuss politics with?

a) partner: if my wife were a Republican the sex would be insane
b) best friend: i told my best friend about the secret ballot and she promised to keep it a secret...

c) coworkers: you have to all think one way to work there: the right way...

d) strangers: in other words, the internet

e) parents: i feel so bad for Cindy Bakes, she had this situation in real life, she had to ban her parents from her own twitter cos they voted for Trump, they wouldn't leave her alone

2. which is more offensive to you: book burning or flag burning

book burning. i get incensed---pun intended---when i think of Fahrenheit 451 all over again, it brings up old bad memories of precious knowledge lost and the smell of my coach's gym shorts in my locker and forgetting about it so i had to start that damn book report 7AM the morning it was due...

thank goddess now we know, now we have knowledge, now we have Wikipedia so bookburning can't win, the sum of all human knowledge is in the cloud...now if only it would rain once in a while...

3. most of all i want to meet someone who deserves my

a) trust

b) loyalty

c) admiration

d) love

first of all who am i to deserve anything? i just want to meet a nice sweet quiet girl who gets violently angry when Family Guy gets preempted for NASCAR. but there is no love without trust, just ask Fox Mulder. loyalty leads to conspiracy theories and Kate McKinnon having to dress up as a witch. i was once told i had a secret admirer.........never met him or her......ever...so in the long run that didn't help me at all...

4. what kind of fidelity is most important to you?

a) physical/sexual

b) mental/emotional

c) neither

d) both

Fidelity, wasn't that the cat from Pinocchio? the only fidelity that's important to me is the fidelity of the sound coming from my '80s cassette tapes...they still work!

Fidelio: whenever i hear that word i start scratching myself, scratching my face, cos i have a fever, hives...

5. would you avoid all contact with an ex if your current significant other asked you to?

a) yes of course!

b) no, an unacceptable demand

c) only if their justification is reasonable

this is tricky of course cos The One That Got Away is also my best friend who got away but we remained friends. my ex is her ex. so she hates her for different reasons that have nothing to do with me. we went to get this settled at Judge Judy but we ended up in a menage a quatre with Judge Judy. i'll never forget her last words:

Judge Judy: well, the day has finally come. never thought i'd see this day. the day i finally retire. i realize now there was always one thing which was more important to me than judging on tv: my polycule.

BONUS: i you were to die, the person going through your belongings would be shocked to find___?

that i had no belongings

season passes to minor league baseball. i mean who does that, right? it's like watching regular-season college-basketball games...

that i was friends with a raccoon and a bear. the bear gave me honey for my stopped-up ears and the raccoon showed me where Shelley Duvall lived. together Shelley, the raccoon, the bear, the anime coyote and i beat Dr. Phil in court. a Texas judge---a Texas judge mind you---ruled against Dr. Phil...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

 

NO ONE SAW HIM DRINKING

notes:

* Alex Trebek: don't worry, i'm holding Brayden Smith in my arms right now.

James Holzhauer: me, too. Vegas will weather it all.

* Cecily Strong: for those who question SNL's power anymore in this society, take a look at Mama Bear of Dan Levy's tweet.

Dan Levy: now i feel like a bear. 

* may the power of the bonobo and all forest spirits who dwell heal Ashley Judd's leg.

* Shelley Duvall: i wish Dr. Phil would have been the shapeshifter, shift his personality!

Robin Williams: i would have played a Dr. Phil troll on SNL. like, Dr. Phil as an actual elf troll...

* please let there be Tomorrow's Adventure...

* Captain Planet is mad...

* SSSS Gridman in real life

* Data: not cool. my eyes were a lovely shade of green.

* Lando Calrissian: i had the best finger. the fishing-pole finger.

* blue girl: i'm actually quite happy, my species doesn't have eyebrows...

* Blackjack: my ass will cushion my fall...

* Blackjack: if only my console was waterproof...

* sure, blame Christmas, just another war on Christmas

* ---do i detect a note of insubordination?

---not the same as inebriation.

---sure, fuck can be said now on cable but not whatever?!!!

* Data wannabe hack: according to my calculations Kurt Cobain had a 100% chance of dying young.

* Blackjack: no, not whippits, just doing the helium voice, i like those long hot-dog dogs tho

* Blackjack: no excuse for my behavior. i am not in the fashion industry.

* i smelled his cockpit. the one on the plane. his cock smelled clean...

* WHY IS THERE HOLIDAY STRESS?!!! AREN'T THE HOLIDAYS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN?!!!

* blue girl: the dead are all noble. Blackjack fought two battles, and lost them both. cos there was a third battle, the battle for his third eye...

* Data wannabe hack: see? not a robot. i'm crying.

Blackjack: that's glue! don't glue your hair!

* Blackjack: i broke my pelvis. and i was just about to go back in time and invent rock n roll...

* Blackjack's silver hip flask: the Coca-Cola bottle from The Gods Must Be Crazy

* and closeup the villain looks like a Venture Bros villain, sigh.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell. bacon and taco meat, why didn't anybody think of that! two forces of deliciousness, may your powers combine! but the only force that matters is love, that's why i'm having a chocolate taco on Sunday, both meanings...