Boc: second week, or month, watering the lawn that's the roof of this apartment building. and i must say i'm getting my groove. it really calms me. this was a particular week in need of a calm balm.
Germane: or calm bomb?
Boc: both work. i think it's cos i feel like God out there. i mean this week it didn't rain, right?
Germane: didn't feel anything on my head...
Boc: right. terrible news for our poor lawn up there in the catdog days of summer with no wet sustenance, not so much our lawn as our dirt, except IT DID RAIN!!! cos I MADE IT RAIN!!! by deluging that area with 30-minutes'-worth of hose i really did make the clouds open...in that one particular square area, nowhere else in the city. no radar caught it but IT RAINED!!!
Jim Cantore: i admit your powers exceed mine. i need an Excedrin for my bald head.
Germane: oh yeah, just so you know, just to make your time up there easier, there are TWO hose circle-crutches, you know that, right? i placed them there with a bolt. one on the other end so you don't have to be pulling that long green snake of a hose around to the other side to wet the other side of the lawn way up there in the corner and get the hose tangled in a pigeon nest.
Vacc: why don't you just get that hose from that Home Improvement guy...the good one...
Boc: oh, well, um, thanks, i think. yeah it's useless cos i'm not gonna deattach and reattach the hose to the other pipe on the other side. there's still only one hose. once it gets green again our roof lawn will make a grand golf course!
Doryce: that golf tho, boy! from our neighbor in Berkeley. how exciting! we here down in Obec need some good news...
President Bump: see? like a true cowboy hoss he went to business school for years, four years, so he could count his money now...…...oh wait he's from Berkeley? screw it, forget what i just said.
James Holzhauer: it really does suck that there's no new Jeopardy. i'm listing out here, i'm losing my shine. i'm quickly becoming not the most important Las Vegas person.
Bob Harris: i was Ken Jennings before Ken Jennings...
Andy Roddick: hey Bob? can you help me get a job?
Rubikon: so my day job is as the black guy from those Colonial Penn commercials. don't worry, i'm raising hell and money at night. i'm such a good fundraiser people are telling me to run myself.
Dirg: i mean it's online fundraising so...
Rubikon: i mean i really don't want to be doing the Colonial Penn stuff but......poor Alex...
Dirg: what are you talking about? the guy from Berkeley who saved himself and his entire local community by ordering and making himself a very strange-toppinged pizza?
Doryce: how do you throw away a knife?
Dirg: is this the punchline to a joke or have you confessed to a murder?
Gladyce: cover the blade in brown paper and vinegar, dear, like Jill did for poor Jack's head...
Laertus: i do it the environmental way. separate the blade and shaft from the grip handle. hopefully the blade is small enough to fit through the lip of the plastic soda bottle. there, it can safely be packed in the bin for recycling.
Gladyce: oh don't show that bottle to me, dear!!! i'm getting the vapors!!! i had a HORRIBLE experience with my last glass bottle. something i thought i'd never experience in my long life. i'm off coffee forever, i'm sticking with tea, i'm feeling my age. got one of those yellow Frappuccino bottles from The Store, the almondmilk and milk...
Eye Luggage: vanilla vodka...
Gladyce: and it did NOT taste like coffee! it tasted like fucking BATTERY ACID!!! couldn't help it, i swallowed one gulp before i realized and threw the bottle in the sink shredding it to a million pieces and droplets. i couldn't believe the foreign substance in my mouth...
Doryce: *raises her hand*
Doryce: with great swallow cums great responsibility...
Gladyce: i checked the cap on the bottleneck. it was tampered with, it had a crack.
Doryce: crack is whack.
Laertus: what were you doing to put yourself and your precious spelling fingers in such a dangerous precarious situation, my sweet?
Doryce: well i microwaved the Stouffer's french-bread pepperoni pizza sliders that look like giant tongues that's why i love their shape. they harden very quickly when you don't oven them. i was cutting the pizza with that small knife. there was some blood but i just sucked my thumb for an hour and all that blood entered my system and made me whole again.
Gladyce: later we went to Sherwood Dam, for some 720 gleaming the cube.
Friar Tuck: and i finally fucked Maid Marian.
Tuck and Cotard high-five under their robes and also pass Tucks medicated pads under their robes.
Dirg: YOU CHERK!!!
Peggy Ahwesh: that's racist slang for Cherokee.
Takahashi: not the car.
Peggy: do i look like a clerk to you? kindly direct me to Orchid Girls. i'm filling in their position of permanent engineer. i'm gonna be their nuts n bolts, their glue.
Dirg: please stop i can't...
Peggy Ahwesh: most importantly i'm gonna be their Robot Chicken animatronic puppetmaster for their demonstrations! i'm gonna be their builder, a real builder! that show will NEVER go off the air!!!
Boc: wash over me like wash...
Dirg: i mean….why air all the episodes of Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040, broadcast each and every one...except the last two?...you stop airing it with two episodes to go?...obviously the MOST important episodes of the series?...
Takahashi: i loved how they explained God. God is the eternal cycle, the eternal back-and-forth, of KNOWING you are All That Is And Is Not and EXPERIENCING the All That Is And Is Not.
Madame Pons: if i was any kind of playa i'd use my LUSH soaps in my backyard jacuzzi i'd build in the backyard lawn of The Treehouse.
Germane: seems like a fire hazard but what do i know.
Boc: i could help you with that.
Madame Pons: the soaps would dissolve on contact of course but it's the thought that counts. creation takes but a second of time...
Michael Weiss at the elevator: enough with the "thanks for sharing" comments on Instagram art posts!!!
Pat: i brought Duzan!!!
Cotard: *tongue open* with stracchino?!!!
Mardith: i'll drink anything with coffee in it...even whiskey...
Takahashi: Sonic Drive-In looks like a gas station...
Germane: no one ever experiences the day. a day. the true day. cos no one ever experiences morning, everyone gets up at noon...
Mardith: it's time for your Lion's Gate Portal...
Dirg: didn't that film studio go under?
Vacc: Australia is the new Santa Monica Sundance. just look at YOLO Crystal Fantasy.
Mardith: thankssssssssss
Germane: when you get older, you don't want to go to Disneyland anymore, all you want is a nice place to eat...
Dirg: i know a good bagel shop...
Germane: restaurant...
Tyzik: the Bagel Bites clown commercial is the closest annoying adult-swim facebookers will ever get to new Metalocalypse.
Madame Pons: should i go with the jelly shoes or the Mary Jane shoes for my zoom date?...
Dirg in a Spider-Man cowl: great! now my girlfriend can climb walls like me!
Stan Lee: i'm okay with this.
Dirg: always weird when you wish happy birthday to a stranger's kid on Instagram...
Cotard: i'm scared of sleeping during the day...
Takahashi: auctions scare me. i don't smoke, but i want that amber '70s McDonald's ashtray!
Eye: i love when we inject culture into our group nights. binging PBS.
Laertus: all these shows are filmed right up the street in San Francisco.
Dirg: Saugerties? too sugary.
Eye: i am so bad. i know i shouldn't like gossip this much and this type goes against type and my type but i hoard Private Eye magazine under my bed......
Laertus: *gasps breathily loudly* WUT. i shant ever sleep with you again. i see you've left the Emergence Magazines i sent you untouched, in their original shrinkwrap. you didn't even have the decency to use it as litter for the cat familiars.
Eye: i don't trust magazines that are that grey. why is pizza the adult birthday cake now tho?
Cotard: can i lick your lick?
Tyzik: I brought the perfect food for our discussion tonight, ME. scungilli. looks like a human ear.
Dirg: great. no matter how hard i try i can never get around reading Lord of the Flies...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: Cristin Milioti...she's The Mother of How I Met Your Mother.
Eye: NO WONDER i had no idea what she looked like!
Tyzik: her name sounds like a scone.
Eye: Blue Velvet and go...
Dirg: off the bat...WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!!!!!???
Laertus: i had a similar reaction at first but i took a day with it. see this was really David Lynch's first foray into doing...David Lynch. like all of his trademarks that we now know and come to love he tried for the first time in this film, so i can imagine wondering what the fuck an innocent audience is watching cos this stuff is being tried for the first time. this is the type of film that will never be appreciated at surface-level upon its release, it needs to be analyzed 40 years after the fact.
Dirg: you saying there are no such things as one-day cults? good to know...ahem...announcement...
Billy Corgan: Lynch likes Bump the way i like Bump...
Eye: off the bat for me...right from the start...the red curtain...or the blue fuzzy suede curtain...LOVE the music that starts off the piece, music is the one thing i remember instantly from this, it's the dominating feature, it's so fascinating here. it's this thing where David Lynch has the music for this world BE movie-soundtracks but all the pieces SOUND LIKE movie-soundtrack background music from 1940 noir films, the gritty dark underbelly, the mood music, the ominous underpinnings...
Rubikon: the black underbelly of Reagan America...
Laertus: and yet, strangely, or perhaps i should say Lynchian, David Lynch admired Reagan.
Portishead: Lynch back then is what we sound like NOW...
Dirg: i mean this thing is weird. weird even for me. wait, the flowers at the beginning, are they red and then they turn blue at the end with the picket fence? i think i missed that. like, the ear in the field. and the cockroaches, it's just weird.
Boc: not gonna lie, i had a heart attack watching the father have a heart attack watering his lawn.
Eye: it adds an extra layer when you realize at the time ALL of these actors were unknowns. so audiences would be watching these complete no-names talk their way through this bizarre script and say to themselves, as they scratched their heads, this is art. we gotta talk about Isabella Rossellini.
Dirg: you mean Ingrid's kid?
Larry King: i get confused, i think she's Dorothy Gale's kid.
Eye: there is to this day still much consternation that Isabella was exploited for this film. as Ebert said, if you're gonna make an actress be nude the whole of a film, do it in service of a great film, which this is not.
Dirg: is exploiting your wife an actual thing tho?
Laertus: well again, experimental at the start, in the Library of Congress ultimately. wish Congress would do their job.
Marion Stokes: get your act together before it's too late!!!...
Dirg: the fellate scene, weird. like you see Kyle's butt and it moves imperceptibly bouncy but you don't really see the motions of a woman fellating, even offscreen. where're the JUICY LIPS!!! they should have watched more porn to prepare.
Dirg: not hating, but was Isabella supposed to be singing the torch song badly?
Laertus: sorry but Dennis Hopper is WAY over-the-top here that it dissolves into mediocrity.
Codrus: my mind is dissolving...
Laertus: i know Dennis Hopper only has the ham switch when he acts anything, he can only ever act hammily, but this supposed psychopath is so pathetic in his insecurities and sexual proclivities and taboos it comes off as silly or worse, stupid. unbelievable that a man of his stature---and i'm not talking about his height---would command the respect he does. he'd have earned my respect if he came on stage with a thumb in his mouth and a bonnet on his head...
Larry King: the scene with the Quantum Leap man with the girly makeup holding MY microphone! trying to do a little ditty a little vaudeville song n dance number. NO THANKS!!! doesn't come off as iconic as the producers wanted. tho the staging here is fascinating, very Wes Anderson blocking.
Dirg: clown makeup thank you very much, manly like The Joker. who knew Larry needed a job? Megan Mullally was supposed to have Laura Dern's job. at least it would have made this thing funny. oh god that tortured expression from Laura Dern when she finds out squeaky-clean dude is cheating on her, HILARIOUS.
Eye: deliberate, soap operas are the best. i hate all beer, i hate the taste of ALL beer! yuck! *sticks her tongue out* gag me with a spoon...…...Laertus...
Dirg: what's with the exterminator and the tin-can thermos. what you got in there? Powerade? don't do it, Kyle! once you show a naked woman the back of your hand you can never go back. even tho it feels good. oh why'd you have to ruin it by man-crying? do it for the children, Kyle, save the children!!!
Takahashi: okay now that we have the script in our hands we have to think very specifically about how this film would have been different if the lead man was different. imagine if you will, friends, Blue Velvet starring Pee-wee Herman...…...Blue Velvet starring Benicio del Toro...
Dirg: you know where Red Robin restaurants got ther YUM sound? that's the sound of David Lynch when he enters another hole...
Dirg: the red robins don't turn blue at the end, right?
Laertus: such a shame. the Johnny Rockets in Encino would have made the PERFECT place to promote this film in the '80s...
Dirg: Perfect Blue. where was the Pointer sister in this?, we need representation. now we know where X-Files stole their aesthetic from. it would have been more visually-pleasing at the end there if they used a knife instead of a gun...
Eye: i did get a chuckle when Isabella throws off her wig...
Dirg: somebody's gotta fix the lighting on set. so this is the town where the lumberjack on paper towels comes from, right?
Eye: there is no Pulp if there is no Lynch, the band or the Orangina. hardcore drinks. "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison, the only industrial country song, Trent Reznor got a lot out of it when he heard it the first time. galactic. layers upon layers of lyric meaning. Dennis Hopper was just hopping mad cos he can't sing.
Dirg: now i know how to combat bullies: keep a naked woman on your porch for emergencies...
Eye: i knew that "hey babe" from the car at the beginning would come back later, women know about these things. the film's script falls apart if this is set in a world with GPS.
Laertus: well there was Star Wars satellites by this time. hurricane radar. young adults broadcasted their first sexual experiences with walkie-talkies...
Dirg: scary encounters in the dark...
Laertus: it's a strange world ain't it. yes. yes it is. it sure is. but i wish i had dreams like these Lynchian dreams, would make me appreciate the world we're in more.
Dirg: good to see mother and son reunited. now let's all go to Maury...
Vincent van Gogh: Blue Velvet, not a biopic about me. g'night, folks...
Putin is on the phone with President Bump:
Putin: so what do you think of Kamala?
Bump: she's a bitch. but i think everyone's a bitch.
Putin: no, the wrestler. you know WE had an arm in dealing his death.
Jada: call me a bitch to my face, prez. your Presidential desk will become a circle. you won't know what hit ya, i'll slap you upside the head your bigass head with such a quickness Bruce Lee will go blind. my cornrows act as a deep whip.
Eye: as Kamala was speaking at that podium, i was envisioning her on top of the ticket...
Joe Biden: before i start talking...Black Lives Matter...
Eye: my mother tells me every Sunday how Sundays were for her as a little girl...lazy summer Sunday afternoons...watching MTV...the real '80s MTV...when you cried when summers were gone...now Sumner is gone...
Doryce: yep, Kamala Harris, just what this country needs. from our neighbor to the north. Berkeley. just what Obec needs. a calm balm. a calm bomb. a dos. a dose. to douse the flames. to dowse for new water. see? this is how you do it.
Boc: thanks.
Doryce: to divine something good...
No comments:
Post a Comment