Tyzik: what were we talking about again?......i mean...
Eye Luggage: scungilli, looks like my retainer...uh, looked like my retainer.
Tyzik: not to be confused with surimi, Vanilla Sky and Tom's daughter and all that...
Dirg: one day there will be fish in the sky...and y'all will be sorry...
Boc: we're all looking for ways to relax. i love Martin Yan. he's still at it doing shows for PBS, the man never ages.
Germane: Naruto just copied chakra from tai-chi.
Vacc: tai-chi is the true secret to the universe, it can heal anything...disclaimer: not making any claims here...
Boc: Martin is a big proponent of ginko nuts. but i think he just likes saying ginko.
Dirg: i want that maiden's hair. my dad takes gingko biloba for memory.
Laertus: hold your horses, pal, k before g or g before k?
Dirg: which is not a good thing cos dad's a bad guy with fists and a long memory. Sagaponack means "Land of the Big Ground Nuts", reminds me of me after an incoherent pinochle session with dad by the den fire. Martin is singing opera in the green mountains but how can you tell?
Laertus: i love Martin, too, he's very calming. and i love his audiences. they are always those neatly-dressed prim proper older San Francisco residents with the patches on their purses who don't make a fuss and clap at everything. and when Martin's cooking for two special people seated on the soundstage next to his wok watch their eyes, their eyes are SO BIG at the prospect of getting to sample Martin's food in real time!!!
Dirg: they are contracted to laugh at his jokes. anime eyes, which came first, the chicken egg.
Laertus: you know Games of Berkeley, right? you envision the owner of that place, what he would look like. he wouldn't be a neckbeard, he'd have an actual wizard beard on his neck. and a folktronica album cover on his T-shirt.
Cotard: i invented folktronica but it was within the walls of the monastery so no one knew.
Dirg: The Resistance is flagging, i'm gonna flag them, red flag warning, the lead is tightening...
Boc: it's not fair to my poor lawn up there! we FINALLY get a break from the obscene heat, we get a high below 80, and none of it is felt cos we can't go outdoors cos of the fires and the Dune white worm of ash that formed on the streets.
Laertus: so anyway...GOB is where i went to finally get into marble racing...
Takahashi: my dad probably has images of bright lights from a McDonald's in Lake Tahoe, eating a french fry at two years old, he probably saw an amber '70s McDonald's ashtray at the corner of his eye siting at the corner of the restaurant, not having any idea what that was...
Jada: if you worked at a fast-food restaurant, would you answer the phone?!! HELL NAW!!! i'm gonna play Kamala Harris!!!
Takahashi: i've lived in the area for years, but i've never walked down Hollywood Blvd. with my dad or anyone, the place with all the names on stars on the infamous parallel sidewalks.
Dirg: no thankssssssssssss
Takahashi: most importantly, i need to eat at that Hollywood McDonald's. the leaning M on top of that roof makes it so distinctive!!!
Dirg: it's all a hazard. a hazard to earth life.
Takahashi: if you want to get to know a country, a nation, a state, a city, a town, a village, step inside their McDonald's. that tilting M makes you want to hang out, makes it looks like a museum.
Boc: i can attach my hose to that giant water spigot!
Takahashi: i don't visit a foreign place like a tourist. i visit their McDonald's, that's my sightseeing. i look at that pic of two swarthy brothers hugging each's beltbuckle and giving the peace sign under the lit Golden Arches under the stars, that is their Eiffel Tower. that is EVERYONE's real Eiffel Tower!
Laertus: speaking of Takahashi, what'd you think of Piano?
Eye: in love with this 10-episode anime. the girl lead is so damn cute with that two-wave hair! it's adorable every time she questions the fuckery going on in her life, her yelp of bewildered astonishment must have made the voice actress laugh. quiet girls are always a trip.
Takahashi: the bubbly sister was a more interesting character, i want to know the relationship the sister and the music-teacher who stares out the window every episode for no reason had, i want the next series to be about them, i want to see the sex scene between these two on the piano Fabulous Baker Boys style.
Mardith: what's this?
Dirg: the ultimate pick-up line. i drew you on this piece of paper and posted it to Instagram.
Mardith: this is actually pretty good.
Dirg: you have to post it to your actual Instagram page, not your DMs or instastories or it doesn't count...
Takahashi: Hollywood is the ultimate college town. Instagram is the ultimate reality show.
Jenny Baranick: i've come a long distance from Obec U. you haven't seen me, i'm very busy being a mother to my young child during this pandemic.
Dirg: Jewish mothers are the best! and the most raising! and the hottest!
Jenny: we do the best mothering. i got a very special Orchid Girl to teach next. hopefully in a room that isn't already caked! now remember: medieval lowercase is the Pulp Fiction line. uppercase Medieval lowercase times is the history. uppercase Medieval uppercase Times is where you go for wenches and strip-club wings.
Jim Cantore: YOWZA!!! guys, i just discovered Vanquish! Vanquish are real-life senzu beans!!!
Takahashi: working at a Five Guys in the dead of summer, no air-conditioning cos the owner wants it natural, hotter than hell, surrounded on all sides by a snaking pile of heavy weaved bags of whole shelled salted peanuts, THAT's as bad as it gets.
Anderson Cooper: welcome to the club, honey!
Pat: Tabouli for the groupies! it's so nice how we get together every week, zoom meetings schzoom meetings.
Madame Pons: can we convert the refrigerator into a walk-in icebox? i'm baking in here without my washing soaps!!!
Gladyce: how was the cold shower, dear?
Doryce: it was a two-packs-of-cigarettes-in-the-titties kind of day. it wasn't so much a cold shower as a lukewarm shower...why i hate cold showers...
Luke Skywalker: i had to take many cold showers...my sister is Princess Leia...
Dirg: *shouting at the screen fist raised in the air* HEY!!! nobody wants to watch you exercising on Instagram!!!...
Doryce: and the tomato bisque, i mean that was just hot ketchup...
Madame Pons: you know, putting away and i mean putting away ALL ALL the groceries, all 17 bags of groceries, is a meditative act, too.
Mardith: you ATE all the groceries!!!?
Madame Pons: no, put them away in the refrigerator.
Mardith: yeah but you put them away on the LUSH shelves...
Laertus is talking with Gladyce as the two share a cream tea:
Laertus: yeah Trolli Sour Brite All Star Mix.
Gladyce: the what, dear? all this clotted cream is clogging my arteries!!!
Laertus: those gummi worms. well they have new shapes now, and one of the shapes is small hands. that's the perfect troll!!!
*Gladyce laughs*
*President Bump laughs because of peer pressure*
Rubikon: come on, man! they had to name her after chicken?!!!
Rubio: okay fine, i'm jealous. Eva Longoria was the one who got away...
Mardith helps Madame Pons fill out the love application:
Mardith: okay it says here...so why do you want to have children?
Madame Pons: who said anything about children!
Mardith: well you put down cos of the tawse, the whip for schoolchildren, you said you could use the tawse yourself for later...
Pons: i need sleep, i'm starting to hear university bells ringing in my ear...
Mardith: university bells are Tibetan prayer bowls...
Cotard: agreed, college is where i had my first calling...
Paul Kindersley: which way to Orchid Girls?...
Dirg: i'm not being racist, it's just the truth. Spanish people love to break out into song spontaneously, especially at McDonald's...
Pons: okay so i'm about ready to send. just gonna use my big nails-did spell finger to hover it right above the key and...about to send...
Mardith snaps the finger away.
Mardith: WAIT!!! you were just about to buy a Costco crate of doTerra essential oils!!!...
Dirg: MLM is a scam...
Dirg looks at a hazy smoky Rubikon who's giving him the finger with his eye.
Dirg: *hands up* i didn't say BLM...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh...…...it was something...…...but i forgot it...…...
Eye: Howard the Duck and go.
Dirg: off the bat......i mean, come on, this is obviously about sick bestiality, the lurid human imagination wanting to see it on screen...
Laertus: considered one of the worst films ever made.
Dirg: George Lucas left Star Wars and Metalocalypse for THIS!!!?...
Eye: for Lea Thompson, she had to call up Michael J Fox after this to make sure her career was still intact and on track. for Jeffrey Jones, well, he had bigger problems...
Laertus: i found this charming, actually. in a small-scale way. did anybody have this? i mean i had no IDEA Tim Robbins was in this!!! Tim Robbins!!!???
Eye: Tim Robbins had to marry Susan Sarandon and do The Player and Short Cuts to get back clout.
Dirg: Tim only fully recovered and salvaged the ol' career after fucking Susan Sarandon's tits...
Dirg: nice pink butt on her, nice one, Lea. i mean they could only go for the panties, for the silhouette shot, they couldn't show actual sex, because believe it or not, this was supposed to be a kid's movie.
Marion Stokes: wait was there a buffalo shot on the male lead in Blue Velvet? i think i saw Kyle's manhood on full display in that film...
Laertus: another lost-in-translation thing where the comic source material is clearly meant for adults. they should have gone the Fritz The Cat route with this, it culd have been an all-time classic that way.
Bakshi: yeah but i was too busy getting busy at the time...
Laertus: i think it was Chip Zien as the voice which won me over, that voice is just the right amount of condescending mixed with cute.
Eye: you know Lea's band in this playing behind a chain-link fence and the purple smoky atmosphere and the neon lights in the streets, the reflecting manhole covers and the latenight delis...
Germane: reminds me of here...
Eye: ...no, it reminds me of Bubblegum Crisis! this is basically Bubblegum Crisis live-action!!!
Dirg: how does a struggling musician have a pad that big and spacious!? this thing is a warehouse!...…...i'm talking about her apartment loft, not her period...
Dirg: the duck has a condom in his wallet, at least that's the Disney message Disney wants out. not to ruffle any feathers, but it's very disconcerting when Howard starts making wobbling sounds with his voice like Donald Duck. next time i'm at a jobs-recruiting office, imma stare at the recruiter's ass to see if i get a better job...
Eye: that's what you lot always badger on about, more jobs, and yet i never see you in one.
Dirg: the recruiter had pearls on, i mean...human evolution not from apes and gorillas but from ducks, plausible as any science out there now...
Laertus: yes, the current science...don't worry, it gets better with time...
Dirg: a duck who hates water? that's a bad handicap. Howard's enemies can use this against him, but who would be enemies with a talking duck? he's cute, he's little-performer, he's Ewok, he's Yoda with the buggy robotic eyes. i mean they could trap him in a bathtub of ice. or make him fuck a water nymph in a tree.
Eye: Tim got his ass burned from this. that Wright Brothers ride.
Laertus: this film missed a golden opportunity: this should have been set in Oregon, not Cleveland.
Dirg: had to make it appeal to the heartland, Ohio farmers make a bloc.
Eye: or block. Lea owns the Dallas Cowboys now cos of this movie. Jeffrey Jones learned to love pea soup after this movie. Holly Robinson! still in her 21 Jump Street mode!!!
Dirg: the lesson from this: if you're gonna win a bar brawl, get your ears stretched instead of pierced if you're a man. g'night, f...
Takahashi: wait. the video game, the Howard The Duck video game is actually where i first came to know and learn about this film. all the vehicles Howard drove during the game, there was even a submarine. i now know everything about forklifts and loading crates, i can work at Costco...
Laertus: this movie ends the same way Lea's other Back To The Future film ends: with a concert performance on stage for ten or fifteen minutes.
Dirg gets on his knees and prays.
Dirg: not shoving my Christianity down your throat. i just want PlayDuck to be a real skin nudie magazine...
Takahashi: yeah i know all about your habits, you love weaved fast-food greasy chicken skin.
Bruce Lee as an old man with a white beard, white long hair, and white whiskers:
Bruce Lee: Quak Fu is real...
Dirg: he sounds like a quack, fuck you. sorry, i trigger easily.
Dirg: they represent truckers in trucker hats so unfairly here, typical '80s movie, no trucker would ever waste ketchup like that...
Doryce: i should hope not! unless Bama's been lying to me all this time!
Gladyce: i went to remove the old box of Spanish ridged cinnamon cracker-cookies on the Treehouse shelfcounter. cut it, fold it, and recycle it flat. and i got cinnamon dust in my eye. i avoided the ash all day and i get cinnamon dust in my eye!
Doryce: want my glasses, dear?
Dirg: it would have been better if Ray Harryhausen did this monstrosity big bad himself.
Eye: or a clay version of the devil from Black Clover.
Eye: Lea in chains is very reminiscent of King Kong only sideways.
Laertus: i'll say it's sideways.
Dirg: this is how the film should have ended to ensure a sequel: Howard really dies, that would provide the pathos. then Jeffrey Jones holds up a red-and-white-striped bucket breaking the fourth wall to the camera and tells the audience who the sponsor is, that would at least distract form his other controversies...g'night, folks...
Rubikon: train the camera on Obama! keep it on Obama! nothing else matters, who are they waving to anyway?
Tyzik and Vanilla Ice are flipping coins and chewing bubblegum while whistling by the lamppost sidewalk curb:
Vanilla Ice: yeah so Germane has me going to every room in the building. i'm to sit down in their bathtub and wait till my cock gets frozen in ice in the tub, which i don't have to tell you, takes a long time. yeah during this horrid heat wave the AC in the building broke. doing it for the residents.
Tyzik: just get a bucket of ice from the lobby downstairs, that's what that machine's for. fill the bathtub with ice cubes like rich '80s people used to do. it's okay, your cock is so big you can rescue yourself if you ever get sucked down a drain, your cock will simply hold onto the drain-hole.
Vanilla Ice: so Vanilla Sky, huh.
Tyzik: yeah.
Vanilla Ice: women drivers, am i right?
Tyzik puts his head in his hands, then he puts his head into Vanilla Ice's flattop Lincoln-stovepipe hair cylinder farm silo.
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