TMIT: AT MCDONALD'S

1. what is it about a woman or a man that would drive you crazy?

crazy in love: a naked woman on screen. when all else fails, have a sturdy steady beautiful buxom completely bare and stark woman of few words and an ethnic mysterious look about her in the eyes walk slowly across painted desert landscapes. that was the mandate in film schools in the '70s, that's what The Other Side of the Wind was spoofing with his take on Antonioni. and of course it helps if that woman is Orson Welles's secret Palm Springs (Festival) Indio Indian paramour...

driving: since i cannot drive cos i'm deathly afraid of cars and the pursuit of cars and being in cars as cars pursue, i've developed a fetish for taxicabs. but i swear i wouldn't do anything illegal with tokens which would land me on the inside of an SDNY speaking-tour as a tourist stop, i use tokens strictly for hometown arcades. my perfect woman is the protagonist of the video game Crazy Taxi cos i'm crazy. i got a thing for Sandra Bullock in the film Speed, which is where the world first took notice of her but where i first took notice of her for a different reason.

2. if your employer offered an "afternoon delight break" where you leave work for an hour to go have sex, would you take that break?

why is it that whenever my cyberbrain envisions afternoon delight i think of Will Ferrell in mustache and business suit and red tie under a golden-leafed tree in the park eating a PayDay bar? and getting the crumbs on this his mustache?

so that is what i'd do: i'd do Will Ferrell in this very scenario and setting. maybe with a jaguar in the background.

3. on your afternoon delight break would you most often have sex with (pick one):
a) yourself
b) a stranger (app hookup, sex worker...)
c) your significant other

question: what if a, b, and c are the same person?

question: what if your Grindr date and your eHarmony date are the same person?

i'm wary of apps. in general. life shouldn't be this easy. sex at the push of a button...you know what else can happen at the push of a button? i'm thinking about trying Bang Your Friends...mostly cos i have no friends and need to get some and meet some new people...by banging them...but this always seems the quickest way to lose them again...this is the new "hello" of our times

4. what is the best way of sustaining an erection? for me it's McDonald's. i slide and sit in the corner by the large green-fern plant, at the cream-colored booth out of the way of the public and just stare at those fries in that mesh steel basket as they go in and dip and enter the grease bath...they use vegetable oil now instead of beef tallow but it's still hot...McDonald's should offer sizzling no-splatter greasy steak fries...

5. tell us the top two sexual things you hate to do:

putting the clothes back on again, it's such a pain to find my hat which is also my spaceship

cleaning up the mess, my nightstand mirror always gets stained with spackle

BONUS: what embarrasses you the most? i don't like to talk about myself, what i'm interested in, it limits me, on Grindr and eHarmony and WhatsApp. i mean how can i get a match if i'm described as a "pique fellow who dresses up as famous eunuchs like Grey Worm and likes to read medical journals on baldness cures by eating McDonald's fries and Parkinson's cures by walking and walking sticks made of cane sugar and if it's possible to someday have medical-marijuana salt-water taffy..."

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY