1. did you leave your last love for someone else or no one else?
i would never leave love. but my last one was fated. it was a furious courtship behind the rose bushes and an even faster betrothal, but she said she had something more important to do than me. alas i could only concede relent and give her a pass. she became the Queen of England.
the unconscious-uncoupling treaty i signed in the Tower decreed that she would get the Jaguar and the Rolls and i would have to marry Meghan Markle's dad and move to the city...
2. do you enjoy being alone? this is a loaded question. and an all-encompassing one. i mean if i had had a normal life free of mental illness you would never have known me from this blog. i'd be a ghost in your imagination. i would have married after class my Berkeley Drama-mate Jennifer Pizarro---the Viking blonde---we'd take the bus to our familial bungalow in Tustin along the palm-tree street facing away from the highway. and both of us would parent our 2.5 kids whilst wearing matching bandanas. we'd be one of those annoying wife-husband writing teams in Hollywood who do Bob's Burgers scripts but can also write for Sesame Street, Arli$$, and Rolling Stone.
i guess what i'm driving at on the Masters golf course is being alone is terrible but it allows me to write interesting things. if i wasn't alone i'd be happy and a terrible writer. but i'd be happy.
3. which of these reasons is most likely to spark your motivation for solitude?:
a) it sparks my creativity monks are the most creative people on the planet. they write the best Satanic metal music---cos they've been there---but no one knows this music exists.
b) i enjoy the quiet to a point. if it gets too quiet in my head i start to chirp like a bird.
c) being alone helps me get in touch with my spirituality currently, Christian Atheism is doing a number on said head. CS Lewis is quite the fabulist.
d) i value the privacy every man needs his alone time and space to put his finger in the air and enjoin the rest of the town to do the same like that Diamond Is Unbreakable opening.
e) i do not feel liked when i am around others it's true, only my imaginary friends get me. when i am around others i feel they talk behind my back. btw i'm talking behind their backs to you now typing this. when they give me a toast i feel they're trying to ply me with champagne, you know?
f) i cannot be my true self when i am around others. my true self consists of talking like an Aaron Sorkin script around others, dramatic and pulling no punches. using many obscure news-item references and laughing at Rob Lowe when he decided to do that West Wing pilot episode where his character gets caught with a hooker...
4, have you ever tried to win back an ex-significant other? yes or no? were you successful? if yes, did you regret it? how long did the reconciliation last?
yes. by going all out. trying to find her anniversary gift i was flipping through a bulky fashion mag at the nail salon. where lo i discover some male models advertising manly musky perfume by recreating the Olympic Games naked.
it is then and there that i dedicate my skinny-ass self to being the best man for her i can be. the kind of man who is in these ads, who appears effortlessly, that they create weird scents for in a lab in Italy, to be the image when the mad Versace scientist working under the canal thinks up the body for POR HOMME.
the reconciliation lasted exactly two sniffs of her nose…
5. do you mind if your SO significant other gives or receives harmless flirtation?
i just wish she'd flirt with ME.
BONUS: if you really knew me, you'd know___________
i'm serious. i earnestly try to answer these questions.
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