Friday, April 5, 2019


where's Cleese tho? you can always tell where Graham Chapman is in EVERY single group-shot pic he ever took from birth to his untimely death: follow the Freudian cigar. he will be the only one chomping on a cigar.

as Graham Chapman would say......Graham Chapman is off adventure-clubbing like a Hemingway man somewhere...paragliding off a cliff in Tanzania after wrestling a lion before noon and a poached egg for lunch on a cloud...all whilst smoking a cigar in his mouth…


* flights to Orlando? why would anyone want to go to...…...oh, right, to start a boy band.

* not one of those Instagram swipes where you always swipe to the farthest right no matter what content is shown. this is serious, people, this is airline travel. R.I.P.

* youth is wasted on the young. and first-class is wasted on toddlers.

* baby already knows that you should never do a vertical shot, only widescreen horizontal to get all of the pool. smart and savvy. too smart and savvy. you know people are starting to slowly but surely turn on social media in general. the world the world over is starting to wise up and wizen up.

* how do you say help online in many languages? like this: HEEEEEELPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

* share pictures with Erica? no, Erica doesn't want those pics of Erica, makes Erica look unflattering. Erica has blocked you. life hack: make sure you collect the pics of yourself before blocking someone.

* Google: remind you of the game tonight at 6?
me: nah, the Tournament is over for me, Duke got robbed.
Google: it's impossible for Duke to get robbed...

* me: how deep is the Atlantic Ocean?
Google: the Earth is flat so the answer is there is no water. we're all gonna die.

* teacher: Viewfinders helped me land my first date. Sadie Hawkins Dance at Grover Elementary. the year was circa 198...
class: we will never care about your personal life, teach. just tell us again about the '80s and E.T....

* President Bump: i want to see a Wheelchair President in my lifetime.
crowd at rally: FDR?
Bump: doesn't count.

* wolf: do not hug Jack London...

* coffee with Tom, team meeting, pick up John, call mom, family time: hot iced-tea with Tom, tennis team meeting so it's only one person, pick up John for sex, call mom and tell her my problems, living-apart-together time...

* teacher: open up your laptops, kids. wait, i'm a kindergarten teacher! do you even know what computers are, kids?
kids: yes, and we will all be leaving school forever now. all the information of the world and universe is on this computer, right? so, sayonara.

* me: hey where did the Amoeba Music go?
clerk: under new management. the racks and dividers are gonna be a bit disarrayed for awhile till we catch up.
me: no, i like what you've done with the place. Moby is in the SOUL MUSIC section, Michael Jackson is in ELECTRONICA, The Beatles are in BLACK MUSIC, that's good, and ROCK N ROLL has been replaced with a card which simply reads CHUCK BERRY.

* Steven Universe: pizza near me?
Google: kid, you live in a magical town by the sea where everything's located in one place: car wash, pizza, Taco Bell. sound familiar? you're a fat kid who should be eating more tiny trees.
Steven : tiny trees?
Google: broccoli. how's the depression going?

* mom: first day of pre-preschool!!! i'm free again!!!
pre-preschooler: otherwise known as me getting parked in front of Sesame Street.

* PRO TIP FOR PARENTS: do NOT involve your innocent children in your braindead imma-make-money-on-youtube schemes.

* me: is it busy?
Google: LIFE is busy. the constant play. constant content. the perennial pageant of colors and flavors. the human motivation unto death.
me: can i unsend Google for LIFE?

* man: DO NOT DISTURB. i am trying to make my family.

* The Beatles: have you ever felt that you didn't need help when you were younger cos you were an invincible teenager high on The Doors and purple haze? but then as you got older you realized life was more complicated than previously thought and you started to have no confidence in yourself anymore, you needed help with everything, even simple things like driving a car cos you got the shakes when you saw the jack in the glove compartment? you couldn't drink Mountain Dew anymore cos it used Real Sugar again? you felt down cos you couldn't push buttons and lonely all the time cos those helpers you relied on your whole life weren't around anymore?
Monty Python: sod off, you toffee-nosed pervert wankers.


happy weekend, my babies. this weekend it's gonna be the Truffle Burger from Carl's Jr. and like a good red-blooded American worth his saturated salt the first time i'll be trying truffles will be truffles in a burger...

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