Monday, April 1, 2019


...and my Sherwin-Williams paint commercials with the animated hanggliding safari animals made out of paint samples.

1. consider your current lover and your relationship as it stands. if this person were on a dating app would you swipe left or swipe right?

this is so cold. is this what love has come to? i refuse to play the game. i WON'T submit facebook a profile pic of me and what i look like so my "friends" can easily spot me no matter WHAT facebook orders me to do!

i met my current hotness doing these here blogspot blogs, they are WAY better dating apps than Instagram cos they employ writings and books by authors, not just pics of apples.

luckily i never had to confront this. i was on grindr and the first pic which popped up was a pic of Swiper from Dora. after ten minutes of stony silence, i asked Swiper why he wasn't in the new live-action movie and how he felt about that. he laughed in my face then licked my face, gave me a nutmeg in my private parts in the private picnic area then ran away into the forest to find more nutmeg.

2. have you ever done speed dating? did you like it? did you get a real or full date out of it? i got a half date. allow me to explain:

i was really getting a jones for fucking Flash. i wanted The Flash in all his glory, if he broke the bed doing it in a whoosh of wind i was okay with that. if he wanted to show he was much more worthy than Shazam i was okay with this. well, the sex lasted -1, negative 1, seconds. we actually went back in time, but not in the good way. i asked him later while we were scarfing some mint-chocolate-chip popsicles…

me: what happened back there, The Flash?
Flash: please, it's just Flash, no need to be formal, we just fucked. this is how i fuck. it's over in a second. the cum disappears instantly and spirals to form a new galaxy in another dimensional universe. but it's still hot, right? cos i'm a superhero. it's superhero sex.
me: not really.

3. if your date texts during a date do you find it annoying? if yes, do you say something about it?

i don't speak, i think a thought and let my cyberbrain do the rest.

well, it was just...see during our date she was texting to her husband for tips on how to best get rid of me. later, we were at the same four-Michelin-star steak restaurant---that only serves one side: baked potato, no pizza---and my second date was texting Pizza Hut to see what my favorite pizza topping was. credit due, i have to admit that when the steak arrived and we sprinkled it on top of the pizza, it was good.

4. how do you like to arrange dates---with an actual phone call or all via text message?

i love the smell of an old coiled-corded phone: the old spice, the brush, the cigar, the brandy, the harsh lacquer. sometimes i lick the phone while i talk into it cos there's a drop of leftover brandy on the receiver.

i arrange dates much like i arrange flowers: haphazardly. you didn't think i arranged flowers, didja? helps me get dates. life hack: do the azaleas go with the iggies? just wondering. i know the toffee goes with the coffee...even tho c comes before t. did they get lazy when naming toffee? like they just said it's a candy that goes with coffee so we'll just change the one letter to t.

5. for a first date, which do you prefer---drink date or dinner date?

well i tried the whole dinner-date thing and it clearly was too expensive. for my soul. so i like to go to Starbucks with my date and have dinner. you can have dinner at Starbucks you know, just grab one of those sandwiches from the brown dusty spinning-tray next to the cash register for your four-courser. she will order the acai bowl, i'll bet you my Digimon cards. thing is, the coffee there is so expensive it was more than the steak. i ended up just sucking on a toffee alone in the rain, outside the Starbucks. a raccoon offered up his umbrella to shield me from both kinds of cold. but it turned out he was only interested in my toffee. i tried to talk to him but all he wanted to do was lick my face. i thought all raccoons spoke with a British accent...

BONUS: have you ever been a cockblocker? why did you do this?

yes, but it wasn't my fault, i have a cock and that is how they are used.

what i find most disconcerting is that if you google cockblocker you get the Wikipedia entry FIRST before the urbandictionary entry…



Jules said...

1: I agree with Phoenix on this. No swiping on love. Never been there, never would.

2: It was so fast that I just got travel sick.

3: The only text I want to see is in the green notebook.

4: I like to send a message in a bottle with a treasure map. If they get to the X before the Trivago guy then it bodes well for a good date.

5: I think hot tea followed by ridged food is a good ice breaker. Then, it’s on to bran flakes and Life cereal to see if the person is strong enough to continue. After this initial test, it’s straight into the Cinnabon and juices.

bonus: Yes. I hate any kind of noise and disruption in the cinema.


the late phoenix said...

1. I swipe eternal for you, mah dahlin. what if one accidentally swipes left when they wanted to swipe right? can they delete the swipe? or does facebook already know everyone's secrets?

2. people don't know this but the Gorton Fisherman gets seasick...for one month of critical shooting Kanye had to stand in with his own brand of fish sticks...

3. the Green Notebook spells only work if handwritten in amber ink

4. the Trivago Guy told me in confidence at a cocktail party that there was an X where his butt should be

5. all washed down with 30 margaritas

bonus: are you sure you were in the right cinema? was Pee Wee Herman there?

love ya *)