the film all the college gals and the Obec Woods forest animals and Llywarch and Laertus under the spicy soapy auspices of Madame Pons watch on the large white sheet projected out back on the lawn of the LUSH is Dominion. the one narrated by Rooney Mara.
a pall comes over everyone's faces, man and beast alike. they are horrified by what they see. yet they can't turn away. any thoughts of lunch forever disappear from bellies. what's left is a supreme case of shock on how wrong humanity has been since humanity's inception a billion years ago. about everything that was supposed to be good and natural and normal.
Laertus: i'm torn. cos i want to fight, despite my skinny body, i need a cause. but my skinny body also needs to eat meat for iron or i can't poo straight.
Llywarch: i had no idea you on that side were doing this to my brethren! well i kinda had an inkling, since everything is transferred to code. but it's unreadable cos it's ll 010001010101 readout. i was an English major, not a math major.
Madame Pons: my sisters! i don't want to overexaggerate things, but this is a crisis that stretches back millennia! we have to fundamentally change how we eat as humans or we will be accused of war crimes every time we slip a chicken nugget in our mouths!
Yoricka the hen looks askance at Pons and clucks.
Madame Pons: believe me, i've struggled with this, too. i know we're a soap shoppe but i don't want this to turn into a soap opera. i want this to be a major crusade for the soul of the world! take up your arms, amazon princesses!
the college students all brandish their long poles and purple poles and pointy poles, spears all fashioned by Eye Luggage in her spare time from marathoning. not binging food. the animals and critters all brandish their sharp teeth and claws and lick them down. they try to growl but it's more out of sadness at all the carnage.
Laertus: you see where i'm coming from here, right? you appreciate my dilemma? i mean if i became a vegetarian, or harder a hardcore vegan, i would actually literally die. what good is a dead soldier?
Llywarch: you can contribute in any way you desire, my friend lover. i know your heart is gold, i've seen inside it. not literally, your heart is actually made of fibers of the Red String of Fate. i will love you either way no matter what.
Laertus: thank you for loving me. but i don't know about this relationship. *hangdog* i mean...you don't want to be with me...long-term...i'm sulky, i'll just let you down...truth is, i'm crazy. not like a fox or your fellow forest animals. like, literally crazy.
Llywarch: i see what you're doing. you're deflecting. and reflecting. i'm actually the one who's crazy---or craycray as you'd put it---for believing the things i do.
Laertus; oh no no. please! you should never feel that way, LL. you old bean. never be ashamed of who you are, don't let the bastards win, don't let anybody ever tell you you don't really exist. cos you do. especially for me.
Llywarch: um, that's not what i meant.
Eye Luggage: okay, finally, a real guest, please welcome to the podcast Roger Fucking Federer!
*canned applause*
Roger Federer: come on, are you that cheap you can't afford real applause? just crack open any window in the world and the world lines up in the streets to cheer my name for me.
Eye: Roger is kind enough to jon us by being let out of his leash by the Collezione Barilla Company. Barilla, better than your pasta at your sad house. making that sell-out money, we're sure to attract followers and benefactors now! i called my lawyer---first time i've ever called a lawyer---and he said i can't use my AA sponsor as a sponsor of the show.
Laertus: Roger, you are on loan and fresh off filming that weird commercial for you and Barilla where you're in a mansion.
Roger: yes, please keep the details hush-hush until Friday. i don't want Chris Evert to know i filmed it with the stunning Mikaela Shiffrin, Chris gets jealous.
Chris Evert: i don't get jealous, you swiss cheesehead! did you fuck her?
Roger: no i made her food. look, we said no secrets, right? well that was the first time i didn't notice Mikaela's ass, that's how stunning that golden bedazzled dress she had on was. one zipper, too!
Chris: you made her food!? that's worse! you can't cook so that's love! you know she likes the Spanish swarthy Mediterranean guys, watch out for ya boy Nadal. or Sampras. i wore that dress first, you know! yeah, check Entertainment Weekly, Babes Of Tennis And Dungeons & Dragons issue from Spring 1979. i've won a gold medal! legitimately! not by shaking my ass. we had to wear skirts back then!
Damian Lillard: bye.
Eye: and that concludes our Red Circle Table portion for this week. brought to you by Costco.
President Bump: Dame is a dime.
Dirg: i hate that guy! it's not fair! the current Jeopardy champ who made the record for the fastest to a million bucks in the shortest games. i mean fewest games, he's short. look at his expression, he's slimy. spiked hair went out in the '90s, dude. but he's also obviously smart, he won the gene lottery! i know that expression, i've been that expression, or tried to be. he's only winning cos he figured out a way to game the system. he's like that Press Your Luck contestant but less Death of a Salesman-y. he wears tunics. Ken Jennings was a nice, humble, fun-loving comic-book-reading geek.
Jo's ex: i hate that guy. if i only had money like him…
Dirg: i mean i want to be this guy. why can't i be this guy? i mean i'm smart, too! he's what's wrong with this current culture, everyone getting away with it! he's all the worst impulses of greed rolled into one pilly cardigan. he's like all those stupid babyfaced frat boys you went to college with, the ones with the large cheekbones who went on to become Elon Musk.
Laertus: he's contributing to hospitals.
Dirg: don't try to make me feel bad. he should contribute to the only hospital which matters: Alex's cure.
Laertus: we could talk about less fun-loving things...
Dirg: Sri Lanka. i told you that was revenge for New Zealand, i had that first.
Laertus: you will always be too soon. we are not discussing the latest Power Rangers episode. ever again.
Roger: so, Wimbledon. the film, not my illustrious history there. where do we begin? it's a fabulous movie, it's my perfect movie, it combines my favorite sport with my favorite Woody-Allen-indie-style tendencies. and i loved how it stayed indie, it never made it to the mainstream despite some heavyhitters, it remains an intimate gem which must be fished out by digging the French Open soil.
Laertus: well put, my man. you get the golden green ball. this is exactly how i saw the film going. you're right, the quiet moments are done quite well, you can quote me on that, very snug, that soul-searching speech at the abandoned city-blight grey tennis court from Kirsten Dunst, her peppy pep-talk radio-announcer pantomime…
Eye: let's call her American Sharapova from now on...or Sharapova From The American South...
Laertus: ...and Paul Bettany, the towhead, not racist, i hear he's a nice chap.
Dirg: married to the girl from that Mazda commercial with the red Pennywise balloon. what was up with that tame opening scene?! it was supposed to be Kirsten Dunst completely buck-naked getting out of the shower. when all else fails, when you don't have a script, just have a totally-nude naked woman full-frontal at the center of your screen, can't fail. whether she's walking across painted spackled desert landscapes or getting out of the rainfall-showerhead, it doesn't matter. that's what Antonioni taught us all in The Other Side of the Wind.
Eye: so she doesn't have to be hot? just naked? gotta say, i give Kirsten all the props. that's pretty badass bold how she refused and willed it for the script to change so she could keep her power. and clothes on. clothes make the woman. never dig into the dignity of a woman.
Laertus: what's the deal with the brother, though? it feels they had a bigger role for him in the script but abandoned it. i mean he was a yellow jersey in the frickin' Tour de France! he was this bicyclist in the background that no one talked about.
Dirg: he was the badboy charmer casanova. he knew how to ride bikes, nuff said. and he was a gambler with a wild streak. ladies love the gamblin' men with cowboy hats and chicken-stained greybeards.
Eye: the Raging Bull Durham formula has been done before, but never with a tennis ball. the you-gotta-have-sex-the-night-before-a-big-game trope to win the game thing.
Dirg: i always thought you keep your sperm in your balls or you give away your potent energy to the other guy enemy, ask any MMAer or Filipino boxer or Ronda Rousey. don't get me started on drinking your own pee. but it's a cruel way to operate life, right? you're just using people to advance up a tournament.
Laertus: hey, everyone has an agenda to advance. everyone uses sex on people to advance up the tournament of Life. not the cereal. stepping on heads and towheads alike. Sam Neill has done some fine work, but he'll always be the Jurassic Park guy. Christchurch Forever Strong.
Dirg: i love how the arrogant Ugly Pretty American Andy Roddick character gets his ass beaten in in the elevator. this movie is such a time capsule, it speaks to what was hot in tennis at the time. they are talking up Tommy Haas, Tim Henman they think will be what Andy Murray became. they thought at that time that Roddick would be what Sampras was.
Laertus: you gotta admit, Mary Carillo proves in this film that she missed her calling, she was meant to be an actress.
Dirg: the guy was portrayed as this dark hack washed-up hasbeen, but you knew he would eventually climb up the standings and win unseeded cos he still drove a Rolls everywhere, even to the public toilet in the park. hard to feel sorry for him. he gets to fuck Kirsten Dunst, NO WAY an unseeded schlub could pull that in real life, they would be too busy learning masturbation from their father-manager, that's a direct line from the script. offensive that that role was given to the Indian. and of course, inevitably, every tennis romantic comedy must employ the word love.
Laertus: the mother and father trying to rekindle their anal sex despite being old, those scenes were reminiscent of the townsfolk all outside hearing the Great Boxing Fight over the radio in Sweden in My Life as a Dog. another dead sport.
Federer: you have to understand, this was not my experience at Wimbledon. or as a tennis player. this film came right at the cusp of before the new generation, my generation. the producers called my agent to ask to loan me for an interview on my knowledge of tennis research, i thought it was a bluff and canceled. the protagonist is a take on Goran Ivanisevic when we won Wimbledon unseeded. i do love how the film delves into the inner thoughts of the man, it's very psychological, his musings on death and retirement, all tennis players are psychopaths cos they're left out on that court alone. if he misses the line, he's dead, no car, no fuck. if just a pebble of dusty chalk flies up, if he just barely hits the line, if the overhead stays in, he gets the girl and the backwards-blondeing and the model and the life. the game of life is a game of pure chance. once again i apologize for ruining the world's dreams by defeating and dethroning Sampras, everyone thought Sampras would play forever and still be playing now, so many more Grand Slams and Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts and so long in the years and Greek tooth that he'd eventually vote Green Party. but eventually the world came around to liking and Insta-liking and Pence-beatifying me that now i'm just another Sampras. and the ending. that ending. tennis is not that knit, folks America. i mean it's a rushed ending if i ever saw one, out on the Brooklyn grey court, basketball court abandoned. suddenly he has two kids with this blonde woman, one for each Grand Slam she won despite being jealous of him, nothing of this is shown, only told by the God director. it's like, "okay, sure, whatever you say."
Eye and Laertus: this by-the-numbers precious little film written and directed by Woody Allen (right?) was a joy to watch, we loved and enjoyed it! we thank Roger for coming in today tonight with his film expertise!
Laertus: i shall take up the dead sport of tennis cos that's what guys like me do!
at the Mercury Hot Springs. on Mercury. the planet Mercury:
Gladyce: mercy! you didn't have to travel all this way on broom for me, dear.
Doryce: the broom flies faster in space. and phatter. but not fatter, the stars add five pounds. look at all the stars, like a big bowl of alphabet soup. well, we're here, lose your kit, love, take off your black swimming trunks, get naked. for the first time. i've never seen you naked before, clothed sex seems kinky but it really isn't after a while.
*SPLASH*
Gladyce: it's burning my skin! it's like lava! but this is good for me and my skin, it's stretching out my wrinkles! and my spells prevent me from getting burned or really hurt, except burned from your insults.
Doryce: get in, the water's fine! hey babe, i FINALLY discovered how to cook the french fries so i don't have to use the oven and burn my spell fingers. simply cook the french fries in a pan with poured oil underneath and voila! like you would cook cubed hash browns. 16 fries to a batch. i can't believe i never thought of this before now. now all the variety of that freezer section at Costco has opened up to me: all manner of potato: mashed, krinkle, large hollow boat-shaped steak fries, and skinny fries. and potato used to record youtube videos. there's nothing like when a grease-soaked krinkle fry first hits your lips. krinkle fries bathed in melted bacon and melted cheese, wrapped in a red-oily fast-food-joint brown napkin. i'm making a batch as we swim, i poured the oil into our spring here and am cooking them alongside us, those aren't pool noodles.
Gladyce: about that bacon…
at the Hearing, the black man in charge is mad. with good reason. they are defying all the subpoenas.
Chairman: you want me to go Mao on your ass! fess up! don't deflect!
Tom Arnold: i have a new thing...imma replace Roseanne...
Michael Cohen: i will keep trickling out drip by drip of information i keep close to my Italian vest i mean the chest, mafia-style, until you have no choice but to exonerate me fully and give me no jail time for good community service.
SUDDENLY the courtroom erupts into a batch of noise! the lights flicker on and off into darkness sending the courthouse spectator crowd audience into a dizzying fizzying panicked hush of screams. Rosenstein gets on and fits his hips into his little spaceship which is a toy spaceship rocker you see in front of grocery stores chained to the bread aisle and lifts up the heat shield. he fires his lasers all over the space of the room, accidentally hitting Mueller in the shoulderpad (or was it accidental?). loud sirens wail incessantly. a rainbow and purple of lights flash up down and all around.
Mueller: it's Star Wars in this bitch!
Ron Paul: IT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!
President Bump: what the fuck is going on?
Comey: the noise? that's just to let Congress know they have to do their job and do something, it's a reminder like an alarm clock and powers explanation. please, Bob Mueller, PLEASE make me the Sergeant at Arms of the Congress! i have the hair for it. make me the SAA and send me to the Cream House to collect the papers!
Mueller: my Report is the greatest nonfiction book of all time! it reads like Infinite Jest but it's for girls, too!
Bump: big deal, all you have to do is say you wrote 500 pages and nobody will ever read it. you can write LITERALLY ANYTHING in those 500 pages and because it is 500 pages that immediately makes me culpable. let's get on to the stuff that matters or i'm fucked. the fucking crazy bullshit, let's discuss the last Game of Thrones.
Luke Skywalker: what is "Guilty for 200", Alex.
Eye: let's NOT! that episode was forced as fuck! why is everyone so arya-stark-raving-mad about this damn show!? cos each episode costs a small nation's GDP to produce? like Switzerland? the writing? the writing of illegal sex scenes? the deepfake dragon fire? the sets? when you boil it all down in the blacksmith's furnace, what this show is is just another Medieval reality show.
Dirg: come on, you know you have the limited-edition Tickle Me In Dothraki Elmo puppet on the knob of your bed in your bedroom. you put it on top of your Harley Hammer head covering it like a Medieval condom when you two married persons fuck each other.
Eye: that is a LIE! i'm always on top directing traffic!!!
Ariana Grande: *on her only phone*: my phone is unique. diamond-encrusted with pearls. new phone who dis.
Jim Carrey: Jim Carrey. the dude with the monk beard, i'm spiritual after suicide.
Ariana Grande: Jim, just wanted to let you know you mean the world to me. that advice on persuasion on depression you gave me was a lifesaver. literally. i've been feeling down, after Notre Dame i can't perform anymore.
Jim: oh you performed last night, that was the best sex i've ever had, i didn't know you could bunny-hop like that. you created your own wind from that vortex you formed with your lower legs. i ended up wearing the heels which was weird. it's gonna take me a lifetime to recover from that lovin'...
Ariana: yeah sorry about having you do the voices and impressions and the upside-down head and having you wear green facepaint in bed that wasn't my green facemask facial but i need that stuff to get off, i have a squeaking voice myself in real life. you're my bucket list, i've had a crush on you since i was on Nick. not depressed but deep rest, that's brilliant!
Jim: yeah your body needs to deeply rest after all the time you pretend to be a fake character, it takes a toll portraying this role in society, this accumulating avatar that's not the real soul-you. you need to deep-rest your depressed sometimes awhile. take a cue from Amanda Bynes. Ask Amanda, send her a Nickelodeon letter. join a conservatorship like Britney, rest, let Sting take the Vegas residency reins awhile. you need residency in a residential facility. do what Britney does on her day-passes, get some ice cream. on my day-passes i got day-passes to Universal Studios and i've regretted it ever since, never lived it down, i should have gone with the lime ice cream instead. i went AWOL but the wall was just a set for a shark tank. i didn't come up with that, another OG did. you mad?
Ariana: naw, i get that all the time. yeah that's what i was trying to do with the strong nookie custard on you, i needed greatly to sleep for a long time to rest my body and spirit so i figured everyone falls asleep after sex, right? i mean i need to hibernate like a bunny rabbit. us as a couple, are we not gangbusters!? this is the greatest revenge i mean counterpoint i could have pulled as a response to Pete after his Beckinsale thing. cheap sale. 32 years, that is some hot age-gap sex we delivered!
Jim: as Jack from Lord of the Flies always says: Allllllllllllllllllllrighty then.
Eye: late-night podcasts. like Baywatch Nights. only possible through our sponsor: HBO For Kids.
Dirg: yeah i mean that's how i got into deepfake i mean first saw it online. in the first place. the first one they did was Daisy Ridley. i realized pretty quickly soon after clicking that this wasn't the new Star Wars trailer. but it was good advertisement nonetheless. and then next was Emma Watson of course cos Emma Watson is always in there involved in these things. everytime she makes another UN speech it's too irresistible to those guys, they must frame her, they relish always making her second.
Laertus: you need a deep rest from it. you trouble me, my friend.
Madame Pons is wearing her hair in a beehive now, a beehive held in place with spackles of real organic honey from real organic bees harvested humanely and organically.
Madame Pons: thank you for having me, we will use your podcasts as our disseminations. of information, don't look at me dirty, young man over there. consider our tweets official sanctioned statements from our office. of operations. we will not let them win! we will get every sniveling Plum alt-right Boy with the Undercut who infests our beloved campus! they will rue the day they first thought of deepfaking us! we are hungry cos none of us have eaten well. nobody is having fun here. but it's this hunger which sustains us and our rage. we fill our stomachs with revenge instead of rice. revenge for the revenge porn. from now on, it is animal versus beast, we are the noble animal, they are the frustrated peabrained beasts who believe in a god not a goddess. from now on, the war is on. we will sic our animals on them---these precious animals we spared by not eating them. they can't hide, they can't crawl, cannot slither their way back to their snake nests on their protected territory frat on school grounds, their caliphate is yellow lines, small c. god all this battle talk is making me hungry, anybody want a ton of grease-soaked krinkle French fries?
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