Friday, April 12, 2019



* girl: OMG here it comes, girls! the promposal!
geek: hello, may i offer you XFINITY today, ma'am? it's like Comcast but more expensive since the California fires. hey, watch the bowling trophies, don't all girls watch SVU?
girl: the fuck? why are you using a skateboard? you're not a skater!
geek: quiet, your dad is in the other room. so will you?
girl: will you what? why are you using all my birthday candles? you're gonna give us an expensive lighting bill. the bill went up ever since PG&E went down.

* dude: what's with the powder-blue prom tux, my man?
powder blue: my Kurt Cobain look. like his guitar. i'm too tall to play Cobain in the Lifetime Movie. but the NBA took one look at me and decided i was more suited for ping pong. this is the Honda random acts of help.
dude: in this neighborhood those aren't the random acts. before we go further i'm not buying a Honda, dude, Hondas are wimpy, i'm buying a monster truck. you need to be in a monster truck on the freeway so you don't die when you get in an accident Virgin Mary forbid. her name's Odalis.
powder blue: Idalys? like the MTV veejay? hello?
ride-or-die: hello? get the fuck off the porch, we don't want what you're selling, we're gonna vote next time.
powder blue: no, this is for Neeto. Neeto's promposal . Neeto is a neat guy.
ride-or-die: i know. intimately.
powder blue: um, you're alone here in this big house at 3PM on a school afternoon? you should be watching Disney Afternoon. where's your grandmother?
ride-or-die: she's doing a stint up the river. she's an Olympic synchronized-swimmer.
powder blue: who's that?
ride-or-die: the maid.
powder blue: the tux's not a rental but the van is, hurry up and bump, kids. and the balloons are rented, too, rented from my blow. you want the tux?
dude: i think i'll pass. i got this sweatshirt on, so...
ride-or-die: my gram's in the back of your van, sir, you betta watch out! for YOUR safety.

* me: this one's gonna make me cry.
son: dad, i need your help asking Jessica to prom.
dad: what's a prom, son? what's a Jessica?
son: it was heartwarming that you called me son. what's that, dad?
dad: a newspaper, son, the only place you can still do a Sudoku.
son: that's a sex act you don't want me trying at my first prom, right?
dad: wait, this is your first date, too? that's pretty heavy to have your first date be the prom. if that happened to me, you wouldn't be here i mean i wouldn't have met your mom.

* dad: love is like the ocean...
son: not the type of help i need, dad. what are you reading? Shakespeare's Sonnets?
dad: some Dungeons & Dragons manual from 1979. don't inhale the lacquer fumes, son, i know they're tempting but they're too heavy for your budding nostrils. take it from me, you sniff enough of that stuff and you're stuck in 1979 wondering how people had imaginations enough to sustain D&D back then.
son: my father is my Cyrano but he's supposed to stay hidden in the bushes. will you go to prom with me?
neighbor: get off my lawn, intruder! they're coming for us with large bright lights, firecrackers and missiles in the streets! bunker down, it's happening!!!
Jessica: yes! yes i will go to the prom with you! but only cos your bowtie is purple and i'm still not over Prince.
dad: okay so don't mean to be a wet blanket but you're gonna have to choose me chaperoning you in mom's car that night or all of us paying for your braces as a family.
son: prom! i don't need my teeth.
Jessica: you will need your teeth to work eventually. i'm adopted, too.
dad: i know. every kid on this block is. leave no child behind, that was the social experiment. i pray to God every night.
kids: you mean Rod Serling?
me: this commercial is so sweet.

* i never went to prom so doing this post was hard on me...physically hard for me to type it...

* R.I.P. Ian Cognito. every artist wants to go out like that, on the very stage he loved and planted his toil his entire existence. you never made it big like Bill Hicks but that's cos there's no British Tool to put you on their cover. that's like the perfect spy alias.




happy weekend, my babies. someone inform Daym Drops that the Olive Garden Giant Meatball is ready, he is the only way i'm ever gonna experience the Giant Meatball.


Jules said...

Rod Serling!

Dear Rod, Save me from Prom -Prom-Diddly-om-pom.

But send me the giant meatball.

Ah men To BE *)

the late phoenix said...

Amen=Ah men, now religion makes sense *)