Monday, April 29, 2019


i love me some On Cinema. i watch it religiously, on the youtube channel, not online. but then they did those frickin' four-hour-long Oscar specials. i love Gregg & Tim and the Oscars but not even I have the time for all dat mess. the Hobbit stuff you know, you can only be a hobo for so long. i did like the latest one, though, the one clip i saw of it where they had the corporate host in his purple suit talking as if all the Oscar information came from a prepared teleprompter, that was hilarious. slicked-back hair and tan.

1. i can flex my _____ ingrown toenail. it hurts like hell. i tried to use those white plastic circle things in the middle of pizza with the three prongs as a clipper, but i found it worked better as a makeshift staple remover.

2. my neighbor is out of control they tried to stuff my __________ bra. i mean pickles. allow me to explain:

my neighbor really is out of control. i don't know if he's crazy or just really likes me. or if i'm crazy. maybe it's a simple matter of allowing him into my monk meetings, but they're supposed to be solitary so i can pray. maybe i should make him an honorary monk. but an honorary monk is just a priest. whatever the solution we must learn to coexist or we will both be doomed. maybe i should take him to the last Avengers endgame thing. maybe that will be the endgame to our hostilities. the movie is so long he'll fall asleep and i can get in some good meditation.

3. if you are known as a do-it-yourselfer, what is it that you do? i am on the hunt for Carter Oosterhouse to rescue him and bring him back to my tv, what happened to Carter Oosterhouse? the Oost? tryna get the Oost House back, Raise the Roof on that House! clap your hands, people!

i am the exact opposite of the DIYer. i couldn't fix something to save my life. like if i had to fix an EKG machine or my heart would kaput, i'd die. next time i'll get that pocket-EKG that connects magically in the ether to your ipad mini you see on tv ads that you can get over the mail and don't have to pay a doctor an expensive bill ever again. and then i'm gonna get that thing from cable where you can bypass Pay-Per-Views and watch golden title-bout fight boxing for free. thanks Tracy, where my dogs at?

Bob Ross would have kicked all these yong punks nowadays' asses. can you imagine Bob Ross on Home Improvement? that would improved the landscape. the tv landscape. that would have gotten earned non-laugh-track laughs. or Trading Spaces, remember when Trading Spaces was all the rage? Ty Pennington is still hot but he sells insurance over the tv now. not home insurance. Ty still has the record for when TV GUIDE went from digest to big.

i want to see Ty Pennington and Bob Ross in the ring, wrestling on a gigantic painter's palette full of oil colors.

or Full Metal Jacket. not Dull Metal Jacket, i'm sure that's a Mad parody out there somewhere. you know that's why Bob Ross adopted his signature whispery soft style, it was a direct assault on the angry mad loud drill-sergeants he got exposed to and hated.

4. dear god look at the size of those _________ asparagus! when your new lover asks for a "bunch of asparagus", she means ONE bunch of asparagus, not A bunch of asparagus like ALL the asparagus in The Store. thanks Whole Foods. especially the Mill Valley Whole Foods from South Park. poor eggplant emoji, it only wanted to be the emoji for eggplant...

5. my morning ___ is the best.

cum. cos i'm a monk i can only do it in secret under the covers in the morning in my cell while God is sleeping and He can't see me sinning. then everyone wakes up for real and i go about my pray day in deep prayer and God looks at me funny but doesn't suspect a thing. none the wiser. i lost my bible in the rose garden so i go straight to Instagram to get woke. God is in my DMs...

BONUS if you could watch a movie about everything that happened in your life thus far, would you enjoy that movie? how many stars would you give the movie?, 1=terrible, 5=best movie ever

five bags of popcorn.

as a general rule, actors hate watching themselves on screen, they NEVER check the dailies and NEVER read the trade papers on their performances, good or bad, never want to let a critic seep under your ingrown toenail.

but mine would be Lights of New York, 1928. cos it was the first talkie. as one film franchise ends, another one reemerges. a billion dollars in one weekend? i don't get it. i will never understand, why didn't Roma get those numbers? or that film about the two dork smart girls who go hog-wild for a night?


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