TMIT: OUR SINS

yes that's Jack Nicklaus after receiving the Tiger news...from Annette Funicello…

1. would you rather get a spanking in front of your family or do a striptease at your workplace? you know my cousin recounted to me on the phone (i'm doing a newspaper interview on a secret subject for my column) that when he was a kid he would get spanked by his mom or dad or sometimes tagteam in front of the family as a deterrent for next time, the reasoning being the humiliation would stop him, this was the family meeting, the family was strong, the family unit held, and then afterwards the fam would go out to Chuck E Cheese like nothing ever happened. but it turns out the effect had the opposite result: my cousin grew up to love BDSM. he now works at a large Walmart-like place where there are hundreds of aisles of too-bright light to perform a striptease for customers. i tell him he's an actor and on that NBC show Superstore but he's not buying it. you know that's a set they use for Superstore, one person has to arrange all the cans and bottles on all the aisles, must take weeks for one shot.

2. you are a sexy_______

motherfucker...…...not literally…

3. hey baby tonight ___ me

i'm easy, i just want a lemonade. with maybe some poppyseeds, you know? sprinkle in a few three or four poppyseeds in there in the lemonade

4. would you rather have a rewind button or a pause button for your life?

i'd rather have the famous RESET button from the grey-box Nintendo video-game system back in the day in the '80s, that got me out of so many jams: i mean imagine if you were in a precarious situation in your life, like you're hanging for dear life by your scratching fingertips off a cliff, dangling in the wind, or you loved the wrong woman---you were supposed to love a man or something---all you have to do is RESET and you're safe snuggly back in your bed. it was all a dream. life is a dream, you know...

5. would you rather have noisy sex neighbors or nosy neighbors?

definitely noisy nosy sex neighbors. i mean if they're gonna be a pain you might as well be entertained. i want Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman to be my neighbors, i want to keep my evening blinds WIDE OPEN as i see them slinging all into the night. my Comcast is on the fritz again---even with no rain---so i'm thinking about entering the slinging lifestyle. you know Nick Offerman is contractually obligated to provide the voice of Santa in EVERY SINGLE cartoon ever made.

BONUS: would you rather mentally or physically never age? why?

oooh, i like this, very Twilight-Zone-Jordan-Peele-era. i guess i want the best of both worlds: i want to always physically look like John Huston in his older Santa days (voice not provided by Nick Offerman) but always with a mind sharp like a trap like David Foster Wallace's voice on tape, have a vault of quad tape reels finally opened in Italy after a long drawn-out court battle. i want to remain 12 years old mentally and watch cartoons as an adult...wait...and look like a celebrity no matter how old i am...so i can do celebrity-lookalike contests at adult birthday parties in Reseda. i don't mind being mentally-ill as long as i can cope with it...i want a day where being 100-percent mentally-ill is just another thing humans are, like their eye color, it's a trait.

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