PhD PAT: SPRING BREAK

Rachel Maddow: i was the Farrah Fawcett of my high school...

Bump: the bigly biglie Big Lie...

Walt Disney: shit on me all you want but my characters are the only ones who make children all over the world smile in hospitals, even the Arab world...

Trent Reznor: i'm Marilyn Manson without the mess...

Galivant: so where are you going for spring break?

Pat: i was thinking Rome...

Galivant: yeah but you're going for your PhD! there's no spring break for you! you're a REAL student!!!

Pat: everyone needs a break. wanna come?

Galivant: FINALLY you ask! but i cum without your permission...

Pat: i was thinking take in some gelato in my belly, take in some museums...

Galivant: i heard someone painted a mask over the Mona Lisa smile, that should be interesting to see...

Pat: there's an exhibition where all the teenage college students of Rome take to the streets and in one big body-art body-language exhibition they all lie down on the cobblestone head to foot and have the biggest fucking foam party this side of a German rave. but all the foam is really HAND SANITIZER bubbles...

Galivant: just promise me you won't cross the border and go back to the UK...your school's NYC now...

Stephanie Abrams: it's Big Tit Week! i mean Big Rig Week here at The Weather Channel!...

Mardith starts an inhouse greeting-card business and Madame Pons helps with the ribbon and rope on the side...

Craig Melvin bumps into Bryant Gumbel on the set of Today:

Craig: i'm the new you. except my white wife is hotter than yours.

Hilary Clinton: we get it, you're both Democrats...

Bryant: new toy. punkass kid. i honor Kobe. i make better gumbo than Forrest Gump. i made the chair you sit on...

Craig: sit on it! i'm not a punk i enjoy punk music.

Bryant: YEAH BUT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON SNL, YOUNGBLOOD?!!!

Annie Lennox: the "No More 'I Love Yous'" video, i predicted Handmaid's Tale...

Madame Pons hugs Mardith:

Madame Pons: i love your taste in music it's so eclectic. i'd travel the ends of the Earth for good music. YOU teach ME.

Mardith: when i listen to Annie Lennox i get transported. i'm following Annie on tiptoe high in the mountains on a precarious vine-bridge in the high trees, both of us naked, sky full of mist and fog. Annie shoots me that crazed look and i shoot her one back. we both assume the monkey stance. we've escaped the mental ward on the hill and we're not looking back. we're gonna escape to our latibule in the lakes. just a name. Annie Lennox was the original Titan. she writes beautiful music by crazy people for crazy people that can only be appreciated by crazy people.

Gordon Ramsay: sauces are put on dishes when the food itself doesn't hold up...

Cecily Strong: SNL is good but it's also disposable pop culture...

Jillian Clare: they're dark-brown not black eyes okay?! i've been made faded and cynical by show business.

Pat: i know what heaven is. it's with you my brown-skinned maritime wavy splashy courtesan in an Ancient Roman pink-seashell bed fluttering white sheets in the blue moon wind little tiny waterfalls on each side obscuring the view of the populi that we're trying anal for the first time. we finally went out to drinks!! i thought it said Bears like Chicago Bears on his beanie but it said Beers...

Rachel Luba steps into LUSH. Madame Pons shakes her hand furiously.

Madame Pons: love the February hair. may i have permission to call you hot? you're my hero. in for a loofa? no lube here...

Rachel Luba: is there a location in my hometown?

Pons: no, ma'am, only ritzy Obec, none in Monterey, wink wink...

Rachel: got any balls?

Pons: *eyes light up* why yes! 

Rachel: no, baseballs...

Jim Belushi: look at that high eyebrow-arch of mine on my face, i coulda played Bluto AND Popeye!!! sorry, Robin Williams...

Cassie in New York: i couldn't eat a big apple.........get it? 

Cassie: we wanted a red apple but they only had green apples...

Celine: just popping in like The Muppet Show. stepping into the office to say i'm writing the next Before film and yes it's gonna take place in New York City and yes Cassie is gonna be in it, i don't need to be pretty anymore...

Eye Luggage: wait why is the emoji for wind a woman? that's rather sexist...

Dirg: that's not a woman that's the Wind God, a hippie with long hair...

Laertus: hippies were the first attempt at Bowie androgyny, men with long hair...

Barbara Ess: i don't wear a cup. i put on my big-boy pants, battle in my Y-wing. my photography was rich in black, white, and a scraggly piece of hair-brown. i was the snake? i AM the snake! not mean, merely gobbling up mere mortals. saving Velma...

Tyzik: that one Instagram follower who laugh-emojis everytime you post a lost soul who has passed away with the sober praying-hands emoji and R.I.P.... 

Emma Meisel: yeah but what's the great show of today? what's the Seinfeld of 2020? what's the ER of 2020?...

Madame Pons: one of my girls says polyamory saved her life...

Takahashi: certainly didn't hurt when her father The Penguin was arrested for arson of the Iceberg Lounge...she was finally free from his web-footed clutches...

Dirg: Paris Hilton looked hot as a cop...

Laertus: you just have to accept the fact that you lost the election. you lost the Civil War. again...

Bill Murray: for some reason young hot stacked nubile Hollywood actress starlets all love me...

Trent Reznor: i joined a suicide-prevention hotline with Spalding Gray, Reach Today, and Comedy Central...

Jillian Clare: unforeseen deaths have affected me, i'm dead inside hence my blank stare. i'm not a black widow, man Trous was the truth...

Mardith: when you're constantly posting on Instagram about how great your marriage is, that you found what others never find, i mean why tempt fate like that?...

Amanda Gorman: that's the problem, it only lasts one day. and then the next day you gotta be buzzed into your own place...

Eddie Murphy: i really am related to the President. my middle name really is Reagan. Brooklyn, the land of the seed of ALL uncensored intellectual dangerous creativity. New York, the most dangerous city in the world...

Stewie Griffin: you have to understand, Family Guy was never meant to go on for this long. our writers are spent, there is literally NOTHING left for us to do...

Doryce: so what, are the two of us McHags now?...

Green Day: we were inspired for Dookie by the Bedtime for Democracy cover...

Doryce: i'm going into a Budgens to free Bogie the budgie. fly birdie fly! free, birdie, free!

Takahashi: yesterday i had an insane amount of free time. 20 hours to spare. i bought AND beat a brand-new video game i had never seen before IN ONE DAY, do you know how depressing that is?...

Dirg: i need to start running again...

Laertus: again?

Dirg: running briskly. a brisk walk, his presidency was such a breath of fresh air, you know? not the same ol staid same ol. brisk like iced tea. a stroll in below-freezing temps, really taste the frigid air in my mouth...

Mardith: don't look at me...

Laertus: you'd never make it, you're already the body-type of a snowman...

Masako Katsura: not the mangaka, the billiards queen. i hope the Black Widow of today who stole my whole act recovers...

Tim Curry: Meatloaf tastes better with curry. i was pretty when i was young...

Dirg: everytime if i'm lucky on my Instagram i get that one important hot Hollywood celeb babe on my Stories, the Algorithm grants me but ONE...

Michael Weiss: i block her every time...

Dirg: yours?

Michael: yours...

Vincent Schiavelli: i played the first recurring gay character on American tv! i was more than a hulking Frankenstein...

Jack Tripper: remember my show things got taken to the next level whenever you were gonna spend the weekend in the mountains with your date, that was when things got serious...

Rekka from Fire Force: C-C-C-C-C-COCAINE!!!

Doryce: i know. the '80s. Indio. Palm Springs. Napa. watching golf. Stouffer's french-bread pizza on a beaded rag burning the roof of your mouth. but the Stouffer's ones are runny, the Red Baron french-bread pizzas are more firm, more substantial...

Dirg: more manly...

Gladyce: i get so hungry it takes too long to prepare the mushroom omelette i have to eat before i wash the dirty pots and pans.

Doryce: our next jaunt is to SFMOMA.

Gladyce: the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. 

Doryce: i want to see the display of Mister Rogers giving the finger.

Gladyce: i want to see Martin Yan! he lives there, right?

Madame Pons: i want to work there! that's where the Love Boat is, right?

Steven Gundry MD: *turns on lectern* think a banana is good for you? think again. think an egg is good for you? think again. think combining a banana and an egg is good for you? think again. think you're human? think again. you're just a combination of a banana and an egg...

Michael Weiss in a pink-bunny suit eating a celery: i have a question...

Tyzik: let's see with these 7 new facebook-group suggestions if facebook is any closer to figuring out who i am...

Mariam Nour: i'm the Lebanese Amy Goodman...

Michael Weiss in a Donald Duck sailor hat: TikTok, one step below OnlyFans...

Laertus: there's one word that's worse than moist: sharted

Dirg: you gotta be careful when texting, 

you are my friend!

is much different from 

you are my friend?

Laertus: Dirg, International Women's Day is not your day to fuck...

Mardith: i don't want to go onto his Instagram again. everytime i enter his Instagram Stories after a long absence it just reminds me of a world i will never enter...

Dirg: but it's the Congresspeople in Washington who are the hard-of-hearing ones...

crones: the Everard Baths are open to everyone...

Takahashi: any desert place in the middle of California is always the same: one The Habit Burger Grill drivethru, one Starbucks drivethru, miles and miles of hot white sidewalk on sand...

Becky Blasband: the first season of The Real World was different. it was substantial. why didn't MTV make 30 seasons of OUR Season 1? this coulda been appointment television, a show that mattered like SNL to change society...

Dirg: adult-contemporary, huh?...

Dirg: if you're an L.A. actor kid, you loiter in one of two places: Joshua Tree, Disneyland...

Lucy Kirk: i was the only one who actually got a bearskin-spread of Freddie Mercury...

Rick Rodgers: i am the only man Aaron Rodgers is scared of...

Dirg: if i ever had a Fatal Attraction situation where a crazy chick was trying to kill me, that would be so hot to me. i was worthy enough of a human being to be loved that way...

Mardith: well chased that way, love is obsession but obsession is not love...

Madame Pons: unlike men women can take the hint...

Laertus: he's just not that into you...

Doryce: you gotta use THIS milk bottle, THIS bottle of milk, the expiration date is my birthday!

Bill Murray: see? my lisp doesn't affect the chicks thing...

Robin Williams: we all wear masks...

Minerva Magazine: we don't only do the searching for Hitler's tomb...

Alex Trebek: i've dated every woman. EVERY SINGLE WOMAN

LeafFilter joins the suicide-prevention hotline...

Laertus: you're only religious cos you were raised in Florida...

Michael Weiss in a greenscreen booth: i don't get TikTok, it's too short...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Natalie Portman: flavored was our slang word on Beautiful Girls.

Laura Linney: dense.

Kool-Aid Man: oh yeah!

Natalie Portman: there was a scene where Willie hands me a packet of Kool-Aid powder until Woody Allen nixed it...

Natalie Portman: Chris D'Elia, we don't want your kind round these parts, kindly turn around and go back where you came from on the swan what brung ya. swim away on the frozen pond...

Natalie Portman: now if you'll excuse me i have a Honey-Nut Cheerios commercial to film...

Eye Luggage: Roman Holiday and go...

Dirg: i mean the tits thing tho, right? one secret producer who i'm sure was a Communist described Audrey Hepburn as perfect for this role cos she had no tits, no ass, no tightfitting clothes, no heels. didn't know people said tits in the '50s...

Gina Lollobrigida, age 93: hey, anti-Italian sentiment is real. it has caused my people a lifetime world of hurt. 

Lucio Rossi: anti-curves, too, my bubble butt went through the ringer. Italians aren't just pizza, spaghetti, the mafia, and being supersmart unlike Mario Lopez...

Marvin: why didn't you fuck me? i coulda easily fit inside your vagina.

Audrey Hepburn: when it comes to my fellow Martians i date men not boys. it's like when Sophia Loren first saw Tyrone Power...

Sophia Loren: que bello

Audrey: Martian Manhunter is a man. this was my very first film and i won the Academy Award for it! that portended the future, huh.

Laertus: the ingenious ingenue! the daring debutante! the stinging starlet!

Eye: not darling debutante. i would have accepted dashing debutante...

Natalie Portman: you know i'm known as the modern-day Audrey Hepburn...

Audrey Hepburn: i don't see it.

Laertus: in all fairness the acting here is just...passable from you, Audrey. at least at first, at the start, which is perfectly expected as this is your first role. you do become more lived-in at the end. Gregory Peck's no showstopper, he's just sorta there, playing Tall Dark and Handsome.

Gregory Peck: the Italian summers down there were murder! i HAD to wear Audrey's silk nightgown to keep cool! it was like a Twilight Zone episode! it was like i was on trial, fighting for my life! the studio system forced me to go down to the Riviera cos they wanted that to be the new location for Hollywood! i hadn't the heart to tell them the only palm trees they'd find there would be in gelato cups as toothpicks. i didn't want this role, i wanted to play Woody Woodpecker!

Audrey: i was quite peckish when i was down there filming, the studio system said i could only eat gelato. i was so skinny i purposely fell into the river during the water scene so i could drink the Tiber. i wanted another part but Katharine Hepburn kept getting all my parts!!! they were confusing YOU for ME!!! 

Katharine Hepburn: you dumb bitch! people think we're related but we're not!.........i know, it's the strangest most confounding thing in the world, as Hepburn is not exactly a common name, we were both stars of the Golden Era around the same time, it's inconceivable that we weren't sisters or something...

Dirg: when men were men! when men were men?

Eye: i'm sorry but Eddie Albert. yeah. it's very strange, i look at him in this film and he literally looks like a being from another time period, he looks like an actor from now from the 2000s, he's Scott Grimes from ER. or better yet he's Scott Grimes from The Orville who took that ship back in time! he's supposed to be a Russian? did i detect a Russian accent ONCE?!!

Eddie Albert: i have no idea what i was doing with that young naked girl hanging over my two-storey apartment but i assure you it was NOT shooting her for Playboy... 

Eddie Albert: that scene in the picture where i talk about my local girlfriend...i married in real life Margo, a woman so exotic and mysterious she only had one name...

Codrus: i recognize all these filming locations in and around Rome...

Margaret Rawlings: i was Velma before Velma...

Alfredo Rizzo: i was the smart man, never leave a drunk girl in your cab, that's only trouble later.

Dirg shakes Rizzo's hand then goes to shake it and pulls out at the last minute to air-comb his greasy hair...

the barber: i saved Audrey Hepburn! by cutting her hair short those bangs weren't doing her any favors.

Cher: i did that first!

Jennifer Aniston: no me!

Audrey: would you believe me if i told you i played baseball not softball for my college team...

Laertus: okay your two screams in this film are wonderful. the first one where you go crazy in bed or was that your acting? and the second one when you think Gregory Peck's hand has been chopped off.

Audrey: honestly that would have made Gregory Peck a better lover...

Natalie Portman: yes women go nude to bed. or in my era only wearing the pajama BOTTOMS...

Eye: oooh the way you crane your neck like that, girl, that's painful, that's chiropracty in Medieval times. your ha! shows you're a playful sprite. why does everyone always escape palaces in laundry trucks?...

Eye: she's already dead inside cos she's a woman in the '50s. not a sedative just a 7-Up soda pill. the girl knows Shelley. AND Keats!, she must not be THAT drunk. get around the two-bed thing with a cot.  

Meghan Markle: DON'T PAY FOR THE EXCLUSIVE!!! it'll ruin all lives involved! being a princess ain't all it's cracked up to be!

Audrey: look how pretty i am, i'm impossibly pretty. 

Gregory: you're obviously a soothsayer. ah the Colosseum, where the Olympics will always be played...

Audrey: until the coronavirus...

Eye: there are no shoes small enough to fit a woman's feet. that's a lot of damage caused by that vespa...

Dirg: just bat your eyelashes, Audrey, and the cop'll let you go...or the taximan...

Eddie Albert: i shot the princess with the barber. with my camera that is. it would have been a worldwide scandal! but the barber wouldn't play along...

the barber: you're cute for a 2020 man...

Rubikon: and now my favorite scene, the river scene. with the obligatory totally-staged man-on-man fist-to-fist wedding-party-crasher scene. cos every wedding party MUST be crashed. and the perfunctory kiss between the leads...

Laertus: okay the acting starts to get better here. when you're crying, Audrey, i feel your deep inner turmoil. you want to abdicate so badly but you can't, rigid responsibility over true love, the pain in your eyes, you're trapped in a cage.

Meghan: and Peter Brady ain't coming in on a white horse to save you...

Peck: you're shivering...am i that frigid in bed?

Audrey: yes but i still love you. don't watch me as i exit the cab and go inside the palace, i don't want you to see i have no ass...

Peck: men can't cry so just forget about me. then when you see a man crying it won't be me...

Audrey: promise me you won't become a porn star...

Eddie Albert: when we looked at the photographs more closely we found Princess Ann was holding Jimi Hendrix's electric guitar...

Audrey: i've had better breakfasts in the U.S....i love those IHOP burritos!

Laertus: great acting at the end there. Audrey's trying to keep a stiff upper-lip, a fake smile for the press, but you know she's shaking inside. 

Eye: how it shoulda gone down:

Audrey: so happy. i shall never be happy again. i shall cherish my time in Rome most of all. for all my days. can i give that random American reporter there a kiss? my tongue in his ear the Italian kiss...

Gregory: and then i stand in an empty church for a fucking whole hour. and i walk away slowly taking a fucking whole hour of screentime!!! i had to endure being blacklisted and suicide. i think the current Pope is hot but i prefer my priests like these two knucklehead monks here. Chirac wanted us to do the film in France, he bribed me with chiclets. cos of me you have the All-American Cheryl Tiegs...

Audrey: my romances were straight out of a script! Gregory sloppied me off to Ferrer cos he didn't want to have to deal with me. my last relationship was the best, he was my kept-boy who went to all my aerobics classes with me. without me the UN would have dissolved and there'd be no defence against Brexit creep. i'm glad the blacklisted writer for our little film Roman Holiday finally got the credit. 

Eye: okay Roman Holiday sequels. Princess Ann defects and takes Joe to Wattstax. 

Dirg: and then they go to Berkeley to form the band Isocracy. Audrey Hepburn finally wears pantisocracy pants not that Miyazaki anime-girl outfit she wore for this film. 

Laertus: a generation later and a little band called Live forms on the Susquehanna from the ashes of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Pantisocracy...

Laertus: you know within the first two minutes in watching this film i blessed the clouds above for this life, that this life included films, that films were a thing, they they existed. i cried during the introductory fake wartime-footage reel scene at the start there and just celebrated that we have trillions of films to enjoy, dissect, and savor. g'night, folks.

Galivant: i came as soon as i could. what is up?

Pat: a lot. Tyzik had to come to bail me out of an Italian jail when you were late. no roommate orgies involved, he did take pics tho...

Galivant: i'm never late, you just don't see me...

Pat: as people over at Rome started mistaking me for Prince i had to run away and couldn't hide anywhere. the gelato was really frozen vanilla extract. i had to eat my shoe. someone dumped roses on my head. i shaved my head earlier to avoid Recognition so all the thorns made me look like Pinhead. Nadal stepped on my toes. 

Galivant: i know, didn't you see me at the Colosseum? i presented you with a yellow vespa from FLCL.

Pat: i seriously thought the Mouth of Truth was Olmec so i stole him off the grounds and tried to abscond with Olmec until Olmec i mean the Mouth of Truth ate me. i woke in an Italian jail suicidal, thank goddess Courtney Love was there to bail me out...

Galivant: now you're learning...

Galivant: you're stressing all over the place. you're not being yourself. is the matter your major? or is it Masonic? you're not telling me something, what's with you. why are you acting flavored? it can't just be the gelato. you so crazy, that's why i love you. now calm down and tell me and Fox Mulder here the story.

TMIT: PICTURED BELOW: YOU AND ME

 

1. pick your next sexual encounter:

a) blindfolded during oral sex: i'd rather interview Herve Villechaize. but REALLY interview him this time, you know?...

b) sex in a hot tub: only if it's a time machine

c) sex in an elevator it's sad but Aerosmith stopped performing "Hole In My Soul" after the tour, you never heard that song again onstage. at least they kept up with "Taste of India"

d)  phone sex: only if it's a 1980s 900 number...

e) bringing in a third party: Bernie!!!

2. when could having sex with an ex be a good thing? if it's Jack Dorsey BEFORE the beard. so you can actually see what his face looks like for Recognition purposes when facebook builds the robots...

3. have you ever had sex in a public toilet? no judgment:

i've ONLY had sex in a public toilet. ALL of my sex has been in a Burger King bathroom. one time i had to block the door by sliding the wood-block of the key in place. i had the key cos i was an employee...

4. car sex is hot or not? only if Paul Newman swallowing raw eggs is your passenger. there's never enough bubbles at these things, you need to go to a carwash with a LUSH inside the minimart, fetch some bath bombs...

5. what is the most appealing thing about you? if you're having a bad day i'll slip on a banana for you. then blame Ronald McDonald for the damages...

BONUS: some time ago in Geneva, Switzerland a coffee shop opened where you could get a hot delicious cup of coffee with a side of hot delicious blowjob. that's right, after you order your coffee you use an ipad to select the sex worker you want to have give you the blowjob. A-would you visit this coffee shop? B-would you get the blowjob?

i OWN this coffee shop. we only use ipad minis. it's called Federer's Fellatio Fort & Fingerhut. our logo is the Starbucks mermaid with a tennis racquet for the tail and two tennis balls for the shell bra. foam parties every Friday night. spoiler: the foam is froth. sadly we had to shut down after Federer lost The Number, when Nadal caught up to him and the two men are now tied...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

POCAHONTAS IN THE TRANSFORMERS WORLD

notes:

* we can transform into the Transformers' weapons...so we're better bots than the Transformers...they'd be NOTHING without us!!!

Megatron: this is how it starts...

* at the end of this commercial you'll have no idea that the product here was Chobani. you will think the product is Art School 

* i'm always triggerhappy with these things and i was immediately calling for a new Transformers show...but actually no, i had to pause and stop. no, let's not, let's take a break, a LONG break, allow everyone to heal from the war the world went through. give him a chance to grow his hair out again and dye it back black, to join a real group, to have real friends not weird pensioner friends who frequent the same pub you do cos they have no choice, YOU DO!!!!! acting jobs won't come sitting on your duff you need to be with Anne-Marie Duff. time for her to finish NYU and move into a third apartment with pink wireframe from the Gatsby '20s. let her do what she really wants to do, not work at 7-Eleven, join a hippie commune to let those big tits breathe in open-air, in sunlight, in orange sunshine and Carl's Jr cheeseburgers. EXPAND her youtube reviews and do a film herself, do the Sonic movie better!!!!!

* Pocahontas: dear Alice, don't go down the hole. you know what hole. i'm in it now and there's no escape. i don't even get the cheeseburgers. i'm forever lost in a concept. a reality. a world i will never know is real or not. sure it's utopia and we all eat plant burgers and there are no more greenhouse gasses and you can eat the windchimes and smoke every tree in this Garden of Babylon but i'll never be friends with Philip K Dick cos he's not here. i slipped into the wrong stream. oh and Alice, don't marry Ioan...

* Phoenix the Witch Doctor: hey if you rim the edge of the Chobani cup like a Buddha om and fill the yogurt with a cup of hot water, it makes a Bill-Hicks-level ayahuasca.

Bill Hicks: don't you EVER compare me to Bill Burr! I am the greatest thing to come out of Georgia NOT George Clooney!

* Pocahontas: in the future we plant all day. chips yes but also green. greenscreens. those aren't solar panels on the roof they're CCTV screens. those spinning dirigibles are supposed to remind of the yesteryore lore of Led Zeppelin but they are really the police you voted for. no more need for wheelchairs, Hustler Magazine is free in your brain at birth. we eats bees, cuts out the honey middleman. is it all an illusion? yes but it always was...

* Pocahontas: that's not chocolate milk, that's earth-flavored milk......we had a nice woman driving our air-bus but gingers were eliminated from society...

* fondue, the only thing that remains from the past.........a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, a place called The Seventies. Sweden. hey did you know Star Wars takes place in the past?...

* Luffy: of course i'm sleeping under a tree, i ain't fazed, i'm phased, i'm not worried, adult swim can't kill us by not playing us, we've only gotten stronger since the cancelation, the manga is going strong, it'll never end, we will NEVER get One Piece!!!...

* Pocahontas: we're farmers but the Doc Oc arms do all the harvesting work...

* daughter: mommy, why do i have to go to that school?

Pocahontas: your father was a noble explorer but he's gone but he has an excuse he's exploring. i chose that school for you cos it lets kids drink coffee...Chobani coffee...

* Pocahontas: yeah so this whole thing happened cos the Greeks conquered the world again, it wasn't just the yogurt...

* now i want Chobani Coffee...

Washed Out: FOR FUCK SAKE let the naked lesbian couple commercial through! they BLOCKED my video for "Paralyzed" on youtube, i'm still steaming over that!!! a GATE is the same as BLOCKED!!!

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: it's old but the sourdough burger from Burger King, is it better than Jack In The Box's? Jack's came first so it's moot. but why didn't Jack take the opportunity to do marbled sourdough first? hey just me now, but i definitely would go back to a film theatre in New York City, it's time, it's time to once again see The Squid and the Whale on the big screen...

 

PhD PAT: GREYHOUND GIRLS

Pat: to get the girl who's out of reach, to strive higher, to go crazy-high, like a teenaged Tom Cruise.

Galivant: winter break's coming up, where are you staying?

Pat: i'm drawn to the snow this year, not the sun and the sand.

Galivant: but surely the Roman sandals of a cabana boy...

Pat: i'm taking a Greyhound bus...

Galivant: look i get the nostalgia, but it's not gonna be like a Greyhound bus in the '80s where you could think for hours for DAYS along a country mile. there's more traffic now. there's more cars now. there's more people now.

Pat: i need the cold to think, it triggers my brain cos it needs to keep my brain warm. my synapses snug. like a flicker flame going off for the cigarette in my inner ear canal. join me ice-fishing?

Galivant: sorry, the sight of precious Water frozen like that is like sacrilege to me...

Ariana Grande to Pete Davidson: wait so i was just an older Olivia Rodrigo?

crones: many young women have become witches during quarantine lockdown. it's not just a phase, fellas, it's a lifestyle.

Dirg: i will admit. the cards are cool.

Dirg: why are gays so smart?

Tyzik: new movies now. it just doesn't make the same impact when they go straight to HBO Max instead of a warm homey film theatre.

at The Weather Channel:

Maria LaRosa: Sam Champion caused my leaving The Weather Channel. no it wasn't a sex scandal, he left first which forced me to leave, i didn't want to leave...

Clara Melancholik: i was melancholic WAY before Lars von Trier...

Foster Brooks: i died right after 9/11. like George Harrison. i couldn't take it. i was eating a bowl of bananas foster on the toilet. but at least i perished in the paradise that is the utopia of Encino...

Foster Brooks: btw there is Heaven, i am telling you right now sober...

Robin Duke: i was Cheri Oteri before Cheri Oteri...

Eddie Murphy: Duke Duke Duke Duke of Earl Duke Duke...

Gladyce: diced hash brown potatoes become little popcorns in the Ninja Foodi...

Dora Maar: i fucked Jean-Paul Sartre, there was nothing there...

cat familiars: we slept on Dora Maar's lap, we witnessed everything, saw the whole thing, all the abuse by Pablo...

Dora Maar: my abuse was real, it was not cubist abuse...

cat familiars: btw there are cats on Mars...

Doryce: mukashi means old ancient times, mukashi mukashi are like we crones, Gladyce, the really really REALLY ancient old times...

Takahashi: actually mukashi mukashi means once upon  a time...

Dirg: i have an ice shanty.

Takahashi: i know, that's where my Nintendo greybox is. it's plugged into your tiny tv there...

Trent Reznor: pot has saved more people from killing themselves than all of music combined...

Sam Rockwell: i should have won the Oscar for Snow Angels (2007)...

Madame Pons hugs Mardith.

Madame Pons: i love you, girl. you really are an empath. know how i know? cos you're the most empathetic soul i know.

Mardith: and Dirg is the most pathetic person i know.

*they both laugh*

Mardith: i'm an old soul. but strangers tell you their problems, that's why YOU'RE an empath.

Al Pacino: that was not me in Ghost Dog. i would never get shot through a pipe, i have more class than that...

Buddha: the trouble is, you think you have time. Ghost Dog lived in the present...

Falco Eddie: i am the Titan of Beautiful Girls...

Dirg: you swallow beautiful girls?...

Tyzik: T-Mobile using Bridgerton and Robin Williams to bait us...

Brian Doyle-Murray: i'm playing John Waters having sex with Clark Gable...

Dirg: IHOP's in trouble, they're doing burritos and bowls now...

Gladyce: coffee not Advil, dear...

Cotard: Cinzano, you drink this smooth Italian vermouth with the chin...

Mardith: i'm gonna try roller-skate yoga.........later ice-skate yoga...

Mark Hapka: 11:11 will always counter 9:11. from here forth 11:11 will be known as The Hapka...

Dirg: stir your coffee with a tablespoon not a teaspoon, use a man spoon. 

Ice-T: the worst crime you can ever commit is plagiarism. you never know who might show up......Stabler......the original Law & Order cast...

Dirg: i wanna live in Manhattan, Kansas...

Jack Dorsey puts on a Superman cape and switches places with Michael Weiss...

Black Professor Black: i took a wooded railway through the Forest of Dean to get my PhD...

AOC: why haven't I been on SVU yet!!?...

Madame Pons: it's too painful for me to get on the Skins reddit and answer questions about the show posted yesterday, the nostalgia is like a big apple Cassie is too skinny to eat...

Mike Richards: not Kramer. i memorize the 3 contestant life-stories without using an index card, take that, Ken Jennings!!! take THAT, Aaron Rodgers!!!

Rubikon: scrolling through my Instagram like how the fuck did YOU get vaccinated! what line did YOU cut in front of!...

Eye Luggage: look, i just want Kat and Carisi to fuck, okay? i want Kat to turn Carisi gay.

Boc: but what of WWII comfort boys and comfort men?...

Dirg: the internet's just supposed to be for men, y'know?....

Takahashi: *gives the shaka* The North Face. that is such a rad company name.

Don Addis in adidas: bring back kackleface!

Jillian Clare: see the thing is i will immediately boycott Sia's autism film, because i never want to be accused of choosing sides. i will always be on the side fighting against the Fascist creep happening in this world...

Dirg: people think my mask is gang-sign skulls but it's cats...

Dirg: we're better off anyways as the insurgent party in the shadows against the party in power. we're the Star Wars rebels against the Death Star...

George Lucas's father: i only got that NOW! Star Wars, the Star in the title is the Death Star!!!

Rafael Nadal: give me the chainsaw, nun...

Stage Deli: all the world's a stage...

Codrus: Monk Hollow should have been my home...

Don Addis: just bring back Mad Magazine. please? i'm not Ethiopian. i'll throw a rock at you. i'll go back to church, promise...

The Pope: i was having lunch with Bill Gates at Red's Donuts and i noticed something: the one in Seaside: olive counter girl, pictures of John Steinbeck, no gluten-free. the one in Monterey: white counter girl, pictures of Where The Wild Things Are, gluten-free...

Madame Pons: i wanna learn the guitar.

Mardith: and the water xylophone!

Dirg: don't go to Monterey Music Store, just a bunch of weirdos trying to get laid.

Takahashi: i've completely lost my taste for Food Wars...

Mardith: it's still good for me, still on Season 1. in other news, i want Vanessa and Yami to get together before Vanessa dies...whoops...

Madame Pons: i wanted Vanessa to buy that bath bomb!!!!!!!!!!

Dirg: of course the French ice-cream guy who licked ice-cream cones but didn't speak a lick of English was a terrorist on 24...

Madame Pons: one of my girls says the clapping-hands emoji is really a washing-hands emoji...

Heidi Gardner backstage with Kyle Mooney:

Heidi hugs Kyle and kisses him on the lips.

Heidi: just a little wet-kiss apology, you are such a good sport, Kyle, i hated that cuck skit. SNL always makes you play the loser.

Kyle: for once i wanted to play the flumer, not the flamer.

Heidi: but you don't deserve that, you're a sweet guy. look, here are the keys to my dressing room, if you ever want a refresher come up and see me sometime. no anal but we can definitely incorporate the Soul doll into our lovemaking...

Celine: it's not Paris it's Paname, only a true local knows this. Paris will be cyberpunk soon but the sex robots will all be wearing Panama hats...

Doryce: i need to smooth my winch stone...

Stu: i'm living the dream! i'm writing for a music magazine! it's not Rolling Stone it's AV Club but still...

Mardith: Dirg you need to go to a kindness closet stat, you need it desperately.

Gladyce kisses the nape of her black Keurig machine:

Gladyce: my poor baby. i can hear your rotors wheezing with each additional teacup. i shoulda descaled you but i never found the time. i shoulda made time...

Doryce: nobody descales the thing people just buy a new Keurig...

Gary Kroeger: our greatest adventure is not knowing what happens to us when we die.........i'm trying to make up for the blackface...

Charles Rocket: you know why i did it? I was supposed to be Eddie Murphy...

Ralph Bakshi: Blood of Zeus, i'm back, baby!!!!!

Lee Miller: my proudest accomplishment actually is my malaria-net facemask for catching mosquitoes in your teeth before a toothpick...

Jojo Moyes: i Stand. when you think of my name you think of muffins in a warm hearth in the English countryside, when you think of my porn name you think of moist...

Elizabeth Day: don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining at day. i was born at day...not last day...

Chris Cuomo: i had to talk about my brother on my show today...that was awkward...

Doryce to Gladyce: dear why does the Wildlife Observation Society make your picture on the seal of their membership card the silhouette of a witch...

Dirg: ah, Judge magazine, '20s vintage...

Laertus: no, '20s Dr. Seuss racism...

Mona Lisa: Purina cat chow, i sponsored them, they wouldn't have been as big without my Medici patronage. i made them regal and noble, i was the first cat patron of matron descent the world had ever seen seven sea to seven sea...

cat familiars: we get LOBSTER in our wet cat food today?!! we eatin' fancy tonite!!

Cotard: i have a moral dilemma: the Goya cans of chickpeas are the only ones with the easy-to-open tab...

Alice Evans: my beloved Ioan.........i mean what do you expect from a man who looks like Hugh Grant...

Hugh Grant: i am NOT Cary Grant!

Mardith: MEDSPA!! let's do this, girls!!!

Bambi: the water's unfrozen?

Dirg: can i come?

Mardith: it's like a hot springs...but no underage naked anime girls...

Madame Pons: i want to test the hardness and durability of my bath bombs against their 100 mph jet-rocket of steam!!!

Eye Luggage: i'm gonna paint my hair, i'm gonna get my toes glasses, i'm gonna make my nails ten inch, i'm gonna wax my third eye...

Laertus: i have an unhealthy fear of Florida...

Dirg: *patting Laertus on the backbone* it's all good, good buddy, we'll fix you right up, we'll take you down to the Everglades and fish you out some vulture stew. no sanitation stations down there, we turn our masks into flu quilts. in order to dive into the swamp to wrestle gators you must be wearing genuine snakeskin heels...

Madame Pons: gotta say, i thought i'd NEVER AGAIN get on that INSANE Degrassi Wiki. EVER AGAIN. i come back 20 years later and it's STILL INSANE!!! Rest In Power Jahmil French, i remember Dave Turner, Degrassi Forever...

Mardith: the Degrassi Wiki is where ALL fanfiction got started, fanfiction is now a global billion-dollar industry...

Dirg: don't tell me he was inspired by the Campbell storyline...

Takahashi: do you have a barong i can borrow? i'm late for a wedding...

Madame Pons: the shirt or the panther god straight out of Demon Slayer...

Takahashi: both.

Madame Pons: wait why aren't you marrying me?

Takahashi: not mine, my Filipino cousin's...

Dirg: i got some Panther Perfume you can borrow...

Bill Burr: i'm on The Mandalorian.........i know it seems like a strange fit, but...yeah...

The Pope: don't worry, i can fight in Iraq, i am a soldier of love, i was in the army when i was a bouncer at the club...

Dirg: i just use the hard work people put on their Instagram pics & videos attaching the right music & songs to it and i just send those out to various women i want to fuck.

Michael Weiss: you're a user...

Dirg: i love when my followers do all the work for me...

Gina De Vecchio: don't stare at my tits just help the animals out, okay? it's more than just cats and dogs... 

Dirg: where do i slip the money?...

Gina De Vecchio: this was Olga Ospina's old gig till Simon Cowell got her kicked out of the SPCA. i'm an upgrade from her, i got two forever homes...

Mainichi Shimbun: we're a newspaper not a toilet for Don Quixote...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Roger Ebert in cornrows: actually i'm the exact-same body-shape as Forest Whitaker, i coulda played Ghost Dog...

Eye: Beautiful Girls and go.

Cher: SHE'S TOO YOUNG FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!

Natalie Portman: PREACH, SISTER!!!!!!!!!! looking back, bad title...

Laertus: i suppose it could have been worse, she could have been 12...

Natalie: i was 15 playing 13, cos Hollywood wacky rules...

Dirg: no you're seeing this thing all dirty when it's meant to be innocent, Natalie Portman is simply the Main Character trying to accept that he's never gonna be young again...

Rosie O'Donnell: i was obviously the star of this picture...

Natalie: if that's the case why is there a line in the script in which Timothy Hutton actually says 13-year-old me is hot?

Timothy Hutton: all of this further complicated by my rape allegation...

Weinstein: ...

Rosie: i did the barbershop thing like the upcoming Coming 2 America...

Tyzik: i was gobsmacked at the lines left in here. retard. retard was in the trailer! IN THE TRAILER!!!

Rubikon: lynching in this said by a white dude and meant to be a laughline, shaking my damn head, sigh.

Ted Demme: Minnesota, not Chicago, is Middle America...

Fargo: we knew this before anyone...

Matt Dillon: i look like the lead singer of the band Trapt...

Laura Prepon: before we start, let us never speak of October Road again...

Dirg: your hair is colored October...

Round Table: if only there was pizza at Knight's Ridge...

Sarah Spain: see this whole area of Boston in this movie? i own it, i own all of it...

Sarah Spain: Knight's Ridge, where the seasons never change...but the management does... 

Annabeth Gish: my character in this is HATED amongst fanfiction-writers...

Lauren Holly: Darian? wasn't that the guy who invented Melrose Place? i was so mean as a snake it required Jim Carrey's warped smile to smooth out my twisted snake.

Shinra Kusakabe: i know the feeling. need any fire in this town?...

Martha Plimpton: i hate my name, i'm not plump, i'm skinny.

Michael Rapaport: WE did sea shantys before this current stupid Gen Z TikTok generation.

Mira Sorvino: i really thought my career after Mighty Aphrodite would go different...you know, i'd work with Woody Allen four more times, become a respected arthouse queen, eventually write and direct my own stuff...not bras and panties...not a secret hellish-working-conditions Quentin Tarantino set...

Eye Luggage: hey you know the movie never addressed your character's eating disorder, disappointing to me. they hint at it but there's not a come-to-seeing-Jesus-in-your-scrambled-eggs moment.

Uma Thurman: i am literally too hot to be in this snowy movie. i know i know, shit on me for having the name ANDERA instead of ANDREA...

Babylon 5: we called in 1996, we want our name back...

David Arquette: my first film. i think. as a punk kid my shit-eating grin is cute, as an adult tho it's...

Afghan Whigs: we are no Alice In Chains...

Elle Macpherson: remember when i was relevant enough to have a dog named after me?...

Dirg: and we start with a little Tom Petty...oh i like these snowplows...except i wouldn't call them snowplows, they're just cool cars with cool Transformers attachments on them.

Takahashi: it is cool how they are able to drive the snowplow on the street like that like a normal car.

Dirg: they say you have to improvise in jazz, but not THAT way, Willie's willie. 

Laertus: back when golf on tv was nice and safe and Tiger-Woods-less all-white like this snow...

Michael Rapaport: vegan butchers are in vogue now, they cut tofu. renders my lines here moot and i am never mute. do you jack off to your own nudes? some sperm is never swallowed. but my monologue here still holds, it stands time. it's true, supermodels are bottled hope. hope for a new better day for men. yeah actually back then many boys kept their walls COVERED in lady posters with tape and it was seen as puberty and innocent.

Koro-sensei: the head in your freezer is me...

Rapaport: i'm not telling tales out of school here we all know Uma Thurman is bad in bed...

Natalie Portman: if she can cut her own food she's fair game? they fucking let that in?!!! who wrote this stuff, a hunter?!!

Stewie Griffin: see? i do belong here. my show made fun of this movie but i'm the REAL Rex Harrison!

Rosie O'Donnell: what about MY monologue!...i have big tits and a big ass, too, i HAVE a coat that hangs on them just right...

Rosie: i never lost my '80s hair. Star Search, the American Idol THE WHOLE COUNTRY watched...

Martha Plimpton: you can only have what you can't have. you have to love someone with all your soul but never be desperate about it...

Natalie Portman: brown diamonds? come on, that isn't romantic, that's poo, those were obviously blood diamonds. wait for me and we'll walk the world together...oh brother...

Galivant: planning a trip with someone?...

Dirg: as Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part...

Natalie: i mean at least they ADDRESS it in the film, they talk of Roman Polanski and how Nabokov's Humbert Humbert is extra-insidious cos he's a clean-cut professor with elbow patches instead of an old fat bald dirty old man with a mustache and dirty glasses and short beige pants and beige bowling zip-up jacket and zigzag socks. i didn't want a kiss in the end but they settled on a cheek-kiss...

Natalie: my Brownies troupe would have razzed me? oh, brown diamonds, right...

Natalie: they made me script-doctor the script.

Mardith: that's the saddest thing i've ever heard...

Natalie: i said if they had to keep the Winnie the Pooh bit I wanted to be Pooh, not him! that was my idea, i came up with the concept during the writing session of toys which outlasted their usefulness once their owners grew up. and then Toy Story comes along the very same year and swipes my idea!!!  

Laertus: the required bar singalong. every bar must have a piano. at least it wasn't the Cheers theme...

Sarah Spain: some things never change...

Natalie: what was i doing going down into that basement anyway?...

Dirg: dyslexic Romeo & Juliet, ha! couldn't get away with that now...

Timothy Hutton: when i get jealous of a 13-year-old boy, that's when you know there's something wrong with me...

Dirg: we all want something beautiful...wait let me rephrase that...

Natalie: his friend actually had to REMIND him i am a zygote...

Rapaport: i have a rapport with everybody. back then the biggest conspiracy in this country was that all women were in a secret Sister Sorority...

Eye: we NEED a Sister Sorority now! of compassion. especially between Evan Rachel Wood and Vanessa Bryant...

Uma: hey remember that Van Morrison performance on Letterman? there was a guy in the Before Trilogy films? i only noticed the stunning relatable Celine. remember when Lars von Trier did Oprah? i learned so much about Quentin Tarantino from Mira Sorvino...

Dr. Seuss: that rhymes!

Laertus: friends who have to insult each other to prove they're friends? bar fight? only thing missing is Peter Berg...

little girl: daddy. why are you killing that man?

dad: we're just Massholes, honey...

Eye: it IS like the hospital scene in The Last Seduction at the end there, babe. i do like the monologue of Matt Dillon, realizing there are limits to being a high-school-football star. he dreamt there was a woman with him...

Mardith: don't obsess over the one that got away, look at the one in front of you, worry about the one who is yet to come...

Rapaport: those were real tears outta me, too, at the end there, i crashed my snowplow into a tree, the sets back then had no safety standards...

Natalie Portman: hello, nice to meet you, can you get me a job on The X-Files? i was never on that show...

Annabeth Gish: punk kid i mean sure sure you're gonna grow up to do big things. YOU STOLE STAR WARS FROM ME!!! i auditioned for Amidala!!! PADME BE ME!!! 

Max Perlich: sadly, i fell into the very trap of this movie, i couldn't be with anybody other than a supermodel. i ended up marrying an Asian porn star. i hate fascism in all its forms, this mustache is free, i bite into the Nazi apple. because of me there's a Taco Bell sauce-packet that says

Stay Cool Forever 

Eye: the one good piece of fanfiction of this film i read was about a sequel scenario where Marty does grow up past 18 and she and Timothy Hutton meet for drinks every five years or so to see how their lives are going at a bar in New York of course. Marty has never stopped pining for him even into adulthood but she recognizes it just is never gonna happen. Marty sleeps with many men 20 years older than her but there is one paramour of hers that is her own age, she slept with him cos he had Willie's eyes. Marty succumbs, she comes to realize through these painful checkup talks with Willie that she is never gonna find the one who isn't Willie, that Beautiful Girls messed her up for life. g'night, folks...

Natalie Portman: fantasy, not science fiction, is dangerous...

Pat is in a rented ice shanty far from civilization, thinking and writing in his frozen-over skins journal:

Pat: you know i just realized that my birthday falls on Spring Break...no wonder nobody ever came...

Pat spots a snowman through the frosted window, Pat's eyes are glazed but...

Pat: ...IT'S A SNOWWOMAN! AND IT'S COMING THIS WAY!!!

the snowwoman bangs on the tiny door and breaks the screen of the tiny tv to come in. Pat raises his halligan bar,

Pat: HOW ARE YOU WALKING WITH NO FEET!

Galivant: it's me. i'm the snowperson. i should be in Florida with the crones at that randy retirement house...

Pat is about to explain his adventure to her when her lips stop moving. her lips are black not from the cold but from being inanimate coals.

Pat: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!! I'VE ENDURED THREE MONTHS OF DEEP FREEZE! BITTER COLD RACKING MY BRAIN FOR AN IDEA WHICH WOULD LIGHT THE FIRE IN MY HEART. BUT THERE WAS ONLY THE SEAWEED WRACK IN MY HEAD. AND THEN YOU GO AND IT TURNS OUT YOU WERE MY GRANDEST ILLUSION OF ALL! YOU NEVER EXISTED! SNOW DOESN'T LIE IT REVEALS!!!

Pat: wait...let me try something...

Pat builds a fire from her twig-hands and puts it in her vagina space. instantly the entity comes to life again!

Galivant: i'm not dead. you can't kill me. i'm always here. a long three months for you is not long for me...

Pat: phew, my sweat just turned to icicles on my brow. don't do that to me again it's not funny.

Galivant: i mean i can't rightly give you a handjob with these twigs now can i.

Pat: thinking back on something isn't linear, it's circular. time up here is a snowmound. it's not flat as an ice tundra, flat as Aaron Rodgers's head, it's shaky as an ice floe. there are cringey wishful-thinking justifications which circle back into revelations from the person on the other side of your circle that you affected terribly. it all flies in the sky as an snow flurry till it hits you in the face hard. 

TMIT: IT'S LIKE THAT NINE INCH NAILS SONG

1. for you, what would be the worst store to have a $1000 gift card for? 

Cabela's...

2. besides a raise or more vacation time, what is the best perk a company can offer you?

if i can't be CEO of the company i don't want to work at the company. i want a corner office because that's where the best light is, at 4PM it's perfect for my daily Instagram pic of me next to the cigarette vending machine, that's where the angle of ray of light hits my face just so against the corner of the vending machine for golden hour. okay i'm about to get Discovery Plus up in here: i want THREE parking spaces. one for me, one for my strippers, and one for my Garbage Pail Kids cards with a meter that doesn't recognize coins, only recognizes a stick of pink dusty bubble gum you have to swipe in the insert-slot. one for my skateboard, i lodge the Garbage Pail Kid card inbetween the axle and the wheel and it flips continuously up and down like a shuffle from hell...

3. what are you most likely very wrong about? the afterlife

4. what is something you borrowed but never gave back? 

a wad of bubblegum chewed by Mickey Mantle. how does it go? 7 years sticks to your ribs. no the other one, just add water to it, yeah, i should have gone with that one...if i wanted ice cloning i would have gotten a popsicle as my candy

BONUS: what have you struggled with your entire life? finishing...

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