PROPER PAT: THE OTHER BEAVER

and so, Pat spends hellish years at a British boarding school. he barely survives.

Pat: now that i'm a teenager, a youth as they call it over here, i don't have enough energy to be rebellious!

the good news is he develops a perfect English accent.

in the waning days of his primary-schooling, Pat is feeling particularly hungry, particularly peckish. so he hops down to the mess hall but he's in a mood and they're not serving what he's craving:

Pat: *holds out his beige bowl* excuse me, sir, may i have another?

headmaster: *fixing his spyglass* you may certainly NOT, young man!!!

Pat flips the tray and destroys the mess hall.

Pat: MAN WHAT YOU PLAYIN'! YOU SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE ON THANKSGIVING DAY???! CRANBERRY SAUCE???! EVERYONE HATES CRANBERRY SAUCE!!!!!!

the next morning Pat has calmed down some and washes the walls with his tongue and water from the Fountain.

Pat: sorry, man, mate, what's on tap for lunch today? for tea?

headmaster: Thousand Island dressing.

Pat: MAN YOU PLAYING A JOKE ON ME, MISTER???! when i smell the pique smell of Thousand Island dressing i think of three things: Big Macs, In N Out Burger, and wanting to travel to a thousand islands, to ALL the islands. more than anything else in the world i want to travel the world...

Codrus is in the woods by the English countryside and gets in a fight with the Emerging Elf in the tree trunk:

Emerging Elf: why aren't you moving? is it cos you're God?

Codrus: hurry up! i can't punch you till you emerge!

Dirg: so i went and knocked on the door of Chesley Bonestell, like i did with Stan Lee. he lives right here in Obec. all i saw were stalls of brown cows with astronaut helmets on, no airports. turns out he died. sucks. he's bones now. bones buried on Mars. actually it was HE who was the first person on Mars...

Dirg: what's with the two men who look like Waldo without the hat in bed together whenever i search on Google for "sex". what's with the generic Bond villainess giant and nude and woman by a shoreline with the seawaves forming a crashing-down line opposite her everytime i look up "nude". hey Takahashi for your birthday i got you the Super Mario Cake from Stone Cold Steve Austin Creamery!

Takahashi: it's no Winchester pie but it'll do

Doryce: did somebody say birthday batter?!

the entire group and squad are at Macy's and the larger mall doing their Christmas and holiday shopping:

Takahashi doesn't buy socks made in Honduras, instead he gives to a Honduran charity.

Dirg: tape? scotch tape on "classy" Polo shirts?...

Gladyce buys panties which are too small for her vagina. she doesn't say a word to Doryce, she keeps mum. she simply places them in the cupboard next to the saucers and never wears them again...uses them as dishrags...

Dirg: Taka, hint hint, i need boxer shorts, buddy. i balled up all the tape into one sticky ball and threw it in the trash. it landed and stuck to the crotch of my torn-to-shreds boxer shorts i had discarded in the trash earlier...my boxer shorts are my cum-collectors...the symbolism was deafening...

Laertus: i'm skinny but i have a fat ass. my bottom butt is a wide-load, a truck, a carriage, a Kylo Ren.

Eye Luggage: you're okay, dear, you're fine.

Dirg: with the amount of tiny rapiers pierced through this shirt, we could fence a gentleman's duel...

Dirg: from now on, i'm only gonna wear plain white T-shirts.........hey Takahashi, for Christmas i got you a big bag of Cheetos Snowflakes. what? it has a to-from label emblazoned on the corner of the bag there...

Laertus: is it safe to come out again?

Dirg: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn's profile pic for Instagram should have been a pic of Major Motoko...

Dirg: hey man, don't mess with my Hallmark Christmas movies...

Gladyce to Doryce, now back at The Treehouse:

Gladyce: dear avoid getting out of the shower when you see hair strands stuck to the tile, simply pick up the hair, make a wish, and blow them away......over the bubbly mottled shower railing...

Gladyce at The Store: it's too hard for me to eat these The Store sandwiches cos they're so big, too stacked, too tall it unhinges my jaw to eat them...

Michael Weiss with a spyglass: you want to get women to notice you on Instagram? call them "bud"...

Eye: Trent Reznor, W.H. Auden. dismantle the stars from the sky......not saying they're sleeping together but, y'know...

Tyzik: PEPSI! all you did for your Christmas commercial was photoshop Christmas lights in the background of your regular commercial?!!!!!...

Rubikon, teaching: the Mangrove Nine. if only Denny's and IHOP were switched in Obec.........I HATE COUNTRY ROADS!!!...

the schoolchildren have no idea what he's talking about, which the headmaster takes as a sign that he's a good teacher...

Dirg: i want Zombie Tramp to join the Orchid Girls...

Polished Chaos joins the Orchid Girls...first time didn't take...

at The Weather Channel:

Reynolds Wolf: hello all, howdy. everyone rubbing their bellies after that post-Thanksgiving binge? even the women? if it's the women it means something different, hehe...just kidding. i'm here to catch all your drippings as you rub just call me Reynolds Wrap Wolf...

Dirg: remember, all trolls are just trying to give it to the top. knock the elite down a few pegs. keep those in power in check...

Mardith: if you really wanted to be with me, you would have given me the perfect gift.

Dirg: wha? i don't get it. i'm the man, i give you sex, what more do you want?

Mardith: WE'VE NEVER HAD SEX! partly because i need to be comfortable. a girl needs to be comfortable, you know? 

Dirg: i give up.

Mardith: Moon Pod Beanbag...

Dirg: see? you gotta admit, Hllbilly Elegy is kinda cool...

Bush, re-formed and on stage:

Gavin Rossdale: *singing* we live in a wheel where everyone steals...

Gavin: ...not saying i stole from Cobain, just saying...

Caitlin Moran proudly flaunts her Cruella de Vil hair as she entrances the Orchid Girls HQ in the oak-tree-knot who all the Girls stand at attention. following her is Rosie Stephenson-Goodknight who takes charge of the Orchid Girls wikipedia and has a cup of tea at night by the shadowy fireplace...

Mardith: someday somebody gonna catch your vibe and love all over it like a slobber dog. it won't be soon but you gotta be patient like Captain America...

Wittyidiot and Alison Sieke get married...

Orchid Girls, now a massive conglomeration corporation, buys up and swallows CherryPicks...

Cotard: do you know what it's like staring at the Thanksgiving meat on the table for a fucking hour waiting for everyone to arrive!!!!!?...

Stephen A Smith: why is it trickeration only in the NFL? and trickery everywhere else? but why is it not called the Cal Axe tho?...

Cara Santa Maria re-forms TakePart Live. on her first show back:

CSM: i was AOC first. i dated Bill Maher. let's just say Halle Berry was better in bed than Bill...

Doryce to Gladyce: you don't need the Vanquish, dear, you just need to shower...

Daniel Popper: no, only I can communicate with Groot...

Mardith: ketchup used to be my color, purple...

Boc: i watered a little too far aloft of the road and wetted the highway, caused an 8-car pileup. i watered at a 45-degree angle to get the rainbow, that's the only good watering. i'm so tall i bumped and knocked my head on the trees, my beanie fell off my head into a puddle. you forget to water the trees, you spend so much time on the lawn court, not until the trees are dripping is it a good watering...

Boc: when i wet the land, the birds land on it and chirp, spreading their seed betwixt their spindly legs onto the damp soil, eventually growing trees...

Pat: hi everybody, just got back from doing my homework. my teacher wants us to imagine what Emmett Till's voice sounded like and write an epic heroic poem about Emmett and the strength in his voice. i have a confession to make: i never had what it took to join any of Princeton's elite eating clubs so i fill the void each week by serving you unique foods...here's the ceebu jen...

Dirg: vegetotherapy? the State CANNOT make me eat my vegetables...

Rachel Slawson: speaking of cole slaw, make fun of my name all you want, but i'm gonna be the first true genetic out-in-the-open bisexual bachelor on The Bachelor... 

Dirg: but the cole in cole slaw, what is cole?...

Laertus: Dirg, DoorDash, these are all independent women...

Madame Pons: *hugging Mardith* why don't you film a video and post it to your Instagram telling your followers you love them. a person who tells their followers they love them is neat.

Mardith: *wiping away tears* thanks, sis.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: why didn't Burger King make Jughead their mascot?...

Eye: The Beaver and go...

Mel Gibson: not about my problems...my apparent problems communicating...without using my fists...and talking to my PR guy i mean my guidance counselor...

Anton Yelchin: i myself get confused, sometimes i think i'm Emile Hirsch...

Jillian Clare sweeps Anton Yelchin off his feet, she whisks him away to an island with no steep hill inclines, no cars just boats, she proposes marriage to him, and the two get hitched in a palm-tree hammock...

Jillian: *serious face* place your weary head on my big bosom, my sweet. rest. you banged your head against so many walls you can never put wallpaper up on that drywall again. no wonder you keep telling me you're feeling crazy in the head like your father. well if you're like your daddy you're MY daddy now. no more magazine letters, my sweet, no more note cards on a red string of crazy fate. fate into crazy. you don't have to be the madman anymore, the self-stalker. if it's the God genes then it's the God genes. 

Dirg: first Jodie Foster film that didn't do well...jus sayin...

Laertus: okay i mean the thing that surprised me the most here is Jennifer Beep-Beep Lawrence! i had NO idea she was in this! this was that period when she wasn't quite A-list yet so she's slumming here...

Dirg: wowzers. i mean you forget just how fucking hot young Jennifer was. this was the period when you needed to nab her, snatch her up, cos now she's all seasoned and cultured-cougar and tryna get with Timothee Chalamet...

Dirg: look, i know this is coming from me, but i don't think Jennifer is a particularly great actress, she's just serviceable here, you know?...

Eye: oh my goddess! Jennifer's mother in this is the white chick from In Living Color!!!

Laertus: wish they would have dived more into Jennifer's brother's OD. HIS life story would have been interesting. 

Eye: i'm guessing he couldn't take having Jennifer Lawrence for a sister, i mean how could you compete with feminine perfection like that? so he huffed one too many tagging-graffiti-can fumes in the garage...

Laertus: kudos to the cast for actually making this serious, i mean this really could have been a disaster if they couldn't stop cracking up and this became Avenue Q. i want to see the blooper reel for this film! you know Sesame Street's got some great blooper reels behind the scenes!...

Chauncey Gardiner: no don't do it!

Eye: i would have lost it when Anton calls the beaver puppet a chipmunk...

Alvin: i'm still stuck in Almost Famous!!! HELP!!!...

Laertus: thought the voice of the puppet was Gary Oldman at first...

Eye: you're just not used to hearing Mel's actual Australian voice, dear...

Dirg: i'm not a furry but did anyone want to fuck the puppet?

Dirg: i mean you gotta admit, it was disappointing that there wasn't a sex scene with the puppet and Jennifer Lawrence or Jodie Foster...

Eye: well there kinda was. Jodie and Mel in their marriage bed...he had the puppet in his hand...for Jodie that must have been one unexpectedly DELIGHTFUL anal fisting!...

Mardith: shivering

Dirg: hey Pat, did you ever cheat your way to the top? to get into Princeton? ever buy the answers to some hard high-school test in order to pass?

Pat: well yeah sure, that's how i met my Russian girlfriend...

Laertus: i did once. i wrote papers for other students. but i was just working on my script-writing...

Dirg: this was funded by our enemy...

Eye: oh hey it's the PILF! President I'd Like To Fuck! the President of the United States! the only female one there ever was! on 24!

Dirg: with the beautiful porn-star name: Cherry Jones.

Takahashi: Cherry Jones and Mary McDonnell, these, my friend, are REAL women.

Eye: the perfect segue to discuss...

Laertus: yep, let's all just put our cards on the table now. despite our divisions in this country, we all come together and agree on one thing: Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson is the HOTTEST couple of all time!!!...

Dirg: i'm imagining that sex now...

Eye: that shower scene was rather blase about the subject of suicide, like changing the channel. a show with Matt Lauer...

Dirg: yeah i mean why do they make shower-rods anymore? they're too dangerous. R.I.P. Anthony Bourdain, Asia's family is tragically dwindling down more than ever. yeah watching this made me MORE depressed. i had to take a pill to get through it...

cat familiars: tis true tis true, Mozart used to yelp like one of us, he meowled and woke up the whole conservatory but it was only because he wasn't fed enough of his mother's milk as a child...

Dirg: suckling. they never showed the psychiatrist, that's how you know the plan is whack, take it from me. that small child actor is gonna be traumatized from this experience. is it tagging if it's therapy? 

Laertus: Anton was looking at a map the way Emile didn't for Into The Wild...

Dirg: the Beaver toy ironically ended up hurting Mel cos it subliminally taught him how to use a saw...

Dirg: it should have gone down like this:

Mel Gjbson; okay so i circular-sawed my arm off but i got a glass arm now. so i'm not gonna become the Saw guy, i got rid of my demons...

Jodie Foster: yes, dear. that glass hand looks like my hand at the end of The Piano.........i look like Holly Hunter...

Dirg: wait, they went to CANNES to promote this film?!!!! really?! g'night, folks...

at the Fountain school:

a beautiful mysterious woman in a tall fascinator with feather, purple parasol, and hoop skirt over a long Sunday-sundae turtleneck dress inches towards the school, she flips her parasol and uses the tip to unlock the key to the door to the school...

Galivant: PATRICK! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, MISTER! GO DOWN UNDER MY SKIRT!!!

Pat, tongue hanging from dry-heat work weeks, lits his eyes and turns his tongue's attention back around to lapping up his rescue from his savioress.

Galivant: i'm sorry for any trouble he caused, Headmaster, you can be assured he will get a stern talking-to when his father comes home after going out for a pack of cigarettes from the store and never coming back...

outside:

Pat: phew! thanks for saving me. i swear if i washed one more wall...they were brick walls, too...

Galivant: don't know how much longer this charade can last but...anyway, go back under my skirt and see what you see.

Pat: wowzers! it's a whole other world under here! 

Pat reaches inside the vagina with his fist......and pulls out a......beaver puppet...

Galivant: how was the film discussion today?

Pat: fun as always...

 

TMIT: SEX SYMBOLS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

"you have to be born a sex symbol. you don't become one. if you're born with it, you'll have it even when you're 100 years old."---Sophia Loren

and Sophia would know, she was the very first gilf...

1. are movie star sex symbols a thing of the past? HELL NO. take H. Jon Benjamin.........well H. Jon Benjamin's voice...

2. who was your favorite sex symbol while you were growing up?

Maria from Sesame Street

that wedding episode was tough to get through. even rougher for a kid like me with no coping skills. i cried blubber forcing my eyes open to have to watch that special. the only thing that comforted me that day was Linda Bove's smile. when Luis takes Maria strongly by his forearm and walks her down the aisle, when she gazes longingly into his Latin-lover eyes as they say their vows---Big Bird understandably not wanting to go up to that altar holding a candle---i threw my fish tuna-melt at the tv screen and howled at the moon on the calendar above...

3. of present-day stars, who do you consider to be a legitimate sex symbol? why?

Shia LaBeouf. because of what he said about his mother...

4. do you have what it takes to be a sex symbol? tell us 3 things that make you a sex symbol:

i look like Tiger Woods

i look like Drake

i look like Eric Andre

5. the following can be celebrities or people in your life.

---name someone who was sexy younger and is still sexy today, like Helen Mirren:

my priest. he constantly brags to me about how good he is in bed. how he cleansed Annette Funicello's soul so she wouldn't get disowned by Disney in her old age. about how he got the black-and-gold Lamborghini cos he's a Taurus. our sessions always go like this:

priest: tell me your sins you did today, you little bitch.

me: i started to believe in the infinity pool...

priest: speaking of, i got an infinity pool. it's in my villa up in the Italian hills where i Confession celebrities. what i hear in their sacred box i only tell the papers. i got to drink George's wine. he gave me a three-picture deal with HBO Max where if i singlehandedly revive Venture Bros i can do my vanity project where i get to be Jude Law's trainer...

---name someone who was a bit goofy when younger but has gotten sexy with age? like Jeff Goldblum:

Goofy. right? when he reappears in Goof Troop he's different. he's the seasoned dad, the man who is wise and doesn't guffaw at shit anymore. doesn't go around chasing ambulances, he's just sitting in his easy-chair smoking a pipe, washing dishes for his smoking wife, taking care of his skateboard son. and telling stories out of school about the old days and where Mickey stores his cheese in his body. Goofy is a zaddy.

---name someone who was sexy when younger but has lost that sex appeal? Woody Allen...

BONUS: name a sex symbol living or dead whose bedroom skills you would not mind testing out? Trent Reznor...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

MOREL OREL REGAINING HIS INNOCENCE

notes:

* Cal and Stanford tied at halftime...because of course they are...

Paul Bunyan: first time ever The Big Game is being played on a Friday.

John Henry: give me back my axe! don't try to pigeonhole me with my hammer!

Kurt Cobain: why play football for an axe? why play football at all? if you're gonna play for an axe that was once lost in the woods, play for my guitar!!!

* this year the John Lewis Christmas advert is a symphony of animation styles...and substance...well substances anyway...

* there are at least 8 songs and or adverts with "Give A Little Love" in their title

(looking at you, Target)

* okay, yellow football: that portends that Cal will win the game...

* Skins: Anwar's origin story 

Dev Patel: i got Skins with no prior acting experience. now i win Oscars. life, huh?...

* pigeon: yeah mate, i know this looks all heartwarming with this heart around my beak but actually this is keeping my beak shut! help!

pigeon: all this holiday stress got my eyes all crusted over...

* best friend: Mary Poppin's origin story...never knew she had glasses......explains her motivation...

* girl: WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK!

Dev: if i say bad words in my household i go to hell.

girl: i'm from an atheist household, we do up Christmas like a motherfucker

Dev: it's alright tho, cos there are many hells...

* Dev: did we just turn into Claymation!?

girl: nah, this is our true form, the human thing was a phase...

* snowman: mate i appreciate the sentiment but you just gave me a balloon made out of my flesh...

* snowman: WHOA these rooftops look a little too eerily like the Attack on Titan rooftops...

TOM from Toonami: last season you oily motherfuckers!!!...

* animation inker: nobody appreciates hand-drawn animation anymore. 

Fred Flintstone: remember when square tires were funny? here's a snow heart-shaped tire to remember the Flintstones by. when the Seth MacFarlane deal fell through we had to eat Dino...

* man answering the stoop: wait, rose? honey i swear i got you rose for Christmas! it's Macy's fault for making you wait!!!

man: look i know we've had our issues, snowman. we used to be good neighbors but last Christmas was the ski trip and the threeway. your wife's got small snowball-sized tits but i like them small!...

* wife: i love this Snowman bobblehead i keep on top of the refrigerator......i'm not into sports, we just have fun with our neighbors...

* bald neighbor: why you peepin'!? i'm not naked!

man: your head is. what's the tea?

bald bloke: it's actually not tea, it's London Fog coffee...

man: um, why are you reading Hair Trend 2024 magazine?...

* man: NO it's a giftwrapped snake...

* bald bloke: my house couldn't afford an obscene display of bright-as-fuck Christmas lights this year. 

man: even if they could all the snow would have shorted them out...

* bald bloke: this JOKE was so funny i farted in the bathtub! i made a ginger presentable to society by giving him Flock of Seagulls heart-shaped hair!

man: what's the joke?

bald bloke: Trump thinks he won the election...

* Steven Universe heart as the star atop the Christmas tree!

Rebecca Sugar: kiss my grits. put sugar in your grits. i ain't doing that damn cartoon again, do you know how much work that was!

* Mordecai: after Regular Show folded, i did what any millennial has to do these days: i became a DJ...

* Rigby: why i gotta dance and ballet around in this butterfly costume tho?

Mordecai: remember? you're trying to relive your past from before Eileen dumped you during the Christmas performance of that opera...

* Mordecai: and now we're reliving that Trump-supporter uncle character from Steven Universe who rode WWII-era planes. see this character is quickly becoming old-hat...

* woman on bus: here, i fixed your glasses. magic, not old obtuse Russian magic mind you, just because i'm an old woman wearing this babushka scarf around my head don't make me a Russian spy...

girl: oh it's that bird from those commercials that keeps telling me to get my glasses fixed!

owl: i had a job before the Rockefeller tree scandal...

* bus driver: NEXT STOP...TOOTING...TOOTING NEXT STOP...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy holidays and weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: we gotta go to Dennys, right? it's the only free open weekend that's left on the calendar this entire fugging, austria year! i've had the Rudolph pancake but i'm gonna go sight-unseen-like Riker to the Dennys and look at the menu brand-new-to-me to see if they got any new holiday flavors for those pancakes. and then the usual red potatoes and club sandwich.........peppermint syrup, just a suggestion, Dennys...  

 

PROPER PAT: ERASE EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED IN SCHOOL...

Pat: so how's this gonna work?...

Galivant: you'll see...

Pat and Galivant are traveling...around the world...together...forever...but they gotta pitstop for gas-siphon snacks and salvation. so eventually they make a turn at a very nice artistic silver cherub with his privates sanded off and one piece of Hot Tamale candy in its hole. it's a very nice spit fountain. and cobblestone village with hay for roofs. and they seem to have settled somewhere in the UK...well it looks like English countryside anyway...

Pat: i want a '70s cream sweater with a red-blue-and-brown racing stripe. i want to drink blessed rains. if you squint the Toto "Africa" music video looks and sounds like Blue Oyster Cult. and through a time machine Martha Jones from Doctor Who is in this video...

they are listening to "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums on the dashboard of their car as they make the turn after the turn into the school slash gift shoppe...

the first person they see at the gift shoppe is, ironically, Celine...

Celine: *browsing around the dinner-bell cow-clanging keychains* hey, i didn't do that Woody Allen Paris film, okay!?...

Dirg: that Trelegy gilf tho

Tyzik: isn't it a little early?

Dirg: don't need to see Fleabag like everyone keeps badgering me to see, i got the Trelegy flea-market gilf!

Boc: MY GRASS-LAWN TENNIS COURTS ARE ALL DEAD! don't matter how much you water dirt! my dad Ryan Seacrest bought me new boots. but i haven't used them yet cos it's the rainy season...

Ryan Seacrest alone at the casino: it's a complete luck-of-the-draw whether or not you get abusive parents or not...

Bella Poarch joins the Orchid Girls as the inhouse tattoo rose artist, she tats the girls up on her porch...

Cazzie David is found in a cave-sized ditch, she is found all the way down lying down at the center of the Earth's full core...

Pete Davidson: what are you doing in this chasm? this Cazzie Chasm?

Cazzie: finishing up my book. the quiet down here helps me write...

Cecily Strong: i'll be playing Rebecca Lissner for a Lifetime tv-movie up here in Canada...i'm away this Thanksgiving but my heart is full but empty...it would have been impossible for me to continue living this way if Bump had won four more years...that's why i'm in Canada...

Madame Pons: Mardith! what are you doing!?

Mardith: i'm inhaling vapor, not pot smoke! for my sinuses...

Pons: silly girl, there's a LUSH soap for that. most pungent scent in the world. why does the vapor tub look like a bong?...

Mardith: a life coach is not a psychiatrist...

Pons: i'm late. i'm late. for a very important date!...

as Pons and Takahashi keep dating, all at the tea shoppe garden, 

Takahashi: *talking to Laertus's camera* i want to impress on her she has the talent to be our group's photographer. look, here she comes...

Takahashi: i've seen your work, it's good! i'm not just saying that. look at the cover art and liner-notes art of this album. a combination of B&W of the band and psychedelic drippings.

Pons: yeah i don't know, do i buy double-albums anymore? just for the artwork inside the booklet? 

Takahashi: sure! use it as a guide. and get Mardith to be your muse of the brush, she can join our group as our painter!

Mardith: it's my worst nightmare. my soul mate posts everyday for three years on Instagram. but i never DM him. then one day his account never posts again, it just stays there, sits there, never moving, never blinking...just staring at me...just mocking me...cos i know he's left and and he's never coming back...

Mardith: my boo is taking some time away from me to do some self-discovery...

Eye Luggage: girl you mean to tell me you're ACTUALLY dating Dirg!!!?

Mardith: i kicked him out...

Pons: you don't like him, you've just become comfortable with him...

Michael Weiss still has the speedo on...but it's under his sparkly recyclable-denim jeans...

Michael Weiss in a mortarboard: Instagram's one big vibe...one big mood shot...btw once you find someone and are taken your Instagram instantly becomes boring...

Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all Instagram channels eventually become trying to simulate '80s MTV...

Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all i do on Instagram now is wish couples well...

Doryce: i mean why we gotta spend Thanksgiving at Starbucks!? 

Gladyce: i bless you with a spell to help remind you we're blessed to be together. remember? The Treehouse is being fumigated...of the pest known as Dirg...

Doryce: do they serve spaghetti here? i need a big strong man to crack the spaghetti for me...

Gladyce: well i'm glad DiGiorno finally listened to the people and took out the sleeve for the stromboli. it's softer when it's microwaved now...

Doryce: i mean The Store is so massive and big-box now, just IMAGINE all the food poisoning that goes on with their products. so how can the little guy win a food-poisoning lawsuit against them? just by taking off the shelves a seemingly-suspiciousless glass mason-jar of soup with a little less liquid than normal?...

Tyzik: whoa! Jake from State Farm is jacked!!! look at those rippling biceps!!!...

Takahashi: why do all the Hollywood babes wear that black mask that makes them look like Mileena from Mortal Kombat?...

Nikki Rowe joins the Orchid Girls again after getting tatted-up on her inside arm inhouse...

Laertus: people are cognizant now...

the crew and cast see a Christmas production of Swan Lake performed in 27 quarantine bathtubs on the video menu screen above all the coffee pots: 

Laertus: Maria Tallchief, our first prima ballerina. the way America SHOULD have been from the start. with Native-American Indians being the luminaries in this society...

Doryce: mocha-flavored coffee? it's not gonna taste like i want it to taste...

Gladyce: dear it's the Christmas season, the best season for witches, it's time to take a step back, stop complaining, and reflect on our blessings. what's a little aftertaste between friends? gratitude...

Doryce: i'd take grinditude...

Gladyce: think about it, think how comfortable you feel at the Obec Walgreens...cos we're home, we're near home. now imagine that same our Walgreens but it's a foreign strange land cos it's 50 miles away from home cos we live in Salinas...

Doryce: WE LIVE IN SALINAS!!!!? THE HEXIOUS HORROR!!!

Dr. Vacc looks at his watch, a pendulum swings in the clockface...

Doryce: it's like one of those gut-check cold-as-fuck Teavana drinks which cools your stomach on contact. freezes your esophagus... 

Gladyce: the tea here's so strong i can smell it even with my mask on...

Pons: that's nothing, the soaps at LUSH are so strong i can smell them a mile away from my store......with my mask on!...

Pons: i use a little bit of the essential-oil drippings to fill my smelly nightlight at night...

Felicia Combs wearing cranberry-colored lipstick for the dinner season: thanks, J Lo...

Jennifer Lopez of The Weather Channel: don't fuck me...

Jim Cantore: not sayin jus sayin, the European models are ALWAYS wrong...they're just always off...

Teuila Blakely: see? it was a nice twist on the old-as-dirt body swap: Steel wanted to be human for so long so this is how they do it. the only thing i would have added is Zoey fucking the robot in Nate's body to get more furries on board so we make more money!!! i hate my job!!!

Dirg: why do the Democrats constantly want men in skirts...

Roxy: yes, it was i, i of course goaded them into doing a musical...

Teuila: you can also use whip cream for sex...

Eye Luggage: Teuila, will that cute tech next to you who always wears black ever get her own story?...

Cotard: i miss my black woman friend...

Rangers: clever naming of Honnold Peak...

Zoey: i begged them no more jeans.........so i gotta wear supertight lycra yoga pants now!...

Dirg: first off, i had no idea Zoey had a brother. if i were Mike i wouldn't have forgiven Zoey, i would have disowned my own sister, fuck that bitch for fucking my fossil...

Boc: i got new boots, heavy-duty army boots, i FEEL it now, when i switch from my boots to my loafers, i'm light in there. when i attack those grass lawns i feel i'm an invading army, the secret police waking my neighbors in the morning, shooting my hose in riot gear. the land is so parched it literally kicks up dust like a saloon spur at first touch of wet...

Gladyce: you'd think you'd be comfortable walking around the Treehouse doing chores in socks, but you're actually more comfortable in shoes...

Gladyce: when i take my 2 Vanquish a day i can do anything, i feel invincible. braver. i comment things on Instagram i wouldn't otherwise comment...

Takahashi: when you say a piece of art is "too political" now, it just doesn't have the same sting to it anymore, the same bite...

Takahashi: hey Dirg, instead of cooking a whole Thanksgiving turkey feast, just get a lined turkey-cranberry-stuffing Dutch Crunch sandwich at The Store...

Madame Pons sneaks out the backdoor of Starbucks and the backdoor of LUSH to go to her oxydome appointment...

Laertus: they used to make all tv shows in New York City...

Dirg: girls who wear their iphones visible in their butt-pocket are showcasing to the world that they know they're hot...

Takahashi: then don't be jealous! buy them a case...

Stu: America is gonna get what it needs, rather than what it wants...

Laertus: i mean even Lark Voorhies! Lark Voorhies is coming back! Lark! if Lark comes back, Dustin Diamond has NO excuse! we've all been the porn guy, it's no big. my dad was taught high-school Spanish by Dustin Diamond's uncle...

Takahashi quietly donates his 1974 AMC Gremlin at the outdoor movie theater for money for Christmas gifts...

Laertus: this car IS the '70s!!!

Dirg: save the 8-track! BLM Friday this year?...

President Bump uses the Army to break into Phil Collins's mansion and kidnap his wife...

Phil Collins: thing is the older and balder we both get, the more and more i look like Peter Gabriel...

Takahashi: how can there NOT be a Panera in Berkeley!!!?...

Gordon Ramsay: sorry but pictures of food on Instagram are boring...

Takahashi: i coulda been so much smarter if i had eaten fish through my childhood...but i never liked fish...

Dirg: fish taco, man! the food of real men real women want...

Dirg: i feel horniest in the mornings...urge too strong, gotta cum...i need to get new boxer shorts...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...

Pat: that was another lifetime ago...

Eye: Eraserhead and go...

Laertus: Jack Nance.

Pat: nonce...i have to learn...

Laertus: Jack Nance. the Jughead hair. the MC Hammer hair. the Vanilla Ice hair. the hair i imagine when i'm looking to cast Killboy Powerhead...

Eye: JACK NANCE WAS ON MY SO-CALLED LIFE!!! everyone forgets about that! just another reason to go back and watch My So-Called Life!!!...

Laertus: i'll be honest, at first this film was what it was billed as, a midnight feature, didn't see anything particularly special about it, in fact the first quarters of it are boring, Q1 and Q2 not bringing dividends...

Eye: babe it would have been more interesting to expand an episode of Unsolved Mysteries and have the film be about how Jack Nance and all his lovers mysteriously died...

Dirg: trust the cops, trust donuts, trust meatballs, never trust crescents. you can't live up to the clean-cut Hollywood sweater. if only Thor had been at Bass Lake at the time, that guy's never around when you need him...  

Dirg: certainly nothing special enough for the film to be enshrined by Congress!!! encased in a glass case like Vanilla Sky! look, let's call it out for what it is, the only thing worthy in this is that song about Heaven sung on that Broadway stage by that broad who looks like Mr. Limpet. cheeks like if Laertus were casting for Sandy Cheeks...

Eye: do this tonight when you smell your nightlight: watch this film with the picture off, the sight off, just LISTEN to this film...the noises of fog, the industrial sounds, metal clanging, the background music of its soundtrack...

Gordon Ramsay: this is where industrial music came from..the steel mills of England...

Dirg: must be nice to have an ENTIRE liberal college backing you as you make your first feature. don't have to worry about funding, poor college student, just continue spreading socialism through the world and you'll be a big star!

Laertus: Dirg, watch this film again, David Lynch is trying to tell you something subliminally, turn the volume up in your ears, take the tinfoil out, he's telling you:

David Lynch: Dirg, don't procreate. don't have children...

Laertus: scary, huh? raising children that is...

Eye: but this is all sweet, this film is a tribute to Lynch's daughter's birth defects and deformities. the stubbed hands and feet of the alien baby, like a turkey showcasing its legbones. if that ain't Thanksgiving i don't know what is!

Dirg: Lynch's daughter wrote and directed Boxing Helena.........OH! NOW it all makes sense now! 

Laertus: i mean the family stows the comatose grandma away in her own corner of the kitchen, making sure she has a smoke lit by the stove to ease her troubles. see they don't just shut her away at a nursing home, they spend time together as a family, THAT's what Thanksgiving is all about!!!

Dirg: it's like bad Simpsons, bad Beverly Hillbillies...

Dirg: and that whore in the apartment across the hall...

Eye: um, being hot doesn't make you a whore...

Mardith: too much sauce only applies to spaghetti...

Laertus: that sex scene tho. it's so......weird. and mysterious and mystical...they're like two naked mannequins in a gigantic cup of boiling tea...

Dirg: there's too much smoke and steam and Steinbeck Dust Bowl dust storms in this film anyway...

Eye: this is basically an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. how do i know? the radiator. the bulky Joy Division-lines steel-mill radiator in the cold small apartment is the big giveaway...

Laertus: what was that? when Jack Nance plops a pebble into the small thing of water. like a tiny tank or cup or tea, what what that all about?...

Laertus: you know i first thought this film was gonna be about, like, the Cold War or something, something about that hair spoke Kubrick and electricity experiments with nuclear energy to me. i was genuinely shook when it ends up being about of all things actual pencil erasers, the nubs at the ends of beige school pencils...

 

Eye: but it's still a factory, babe, it's still a factory...

Dirg: Catholic nun pencils. you know why they kept the complicated prop of the alien baby secret? cos if Rod Serling found out he'd tell the Russians. the Russians who scraped the alien off Sputnik. Rod would tell Sigourney Weaver who would tell her autopsist who tells the Space Baby to shrink its head who would tell a struggling young Steven Spielberg trying to come up with an idea to get out of film school... 

Dirg: wait the Man In The Planet is supposed to be Paul Bunyan, right?

Rubikon: no, John Henry.

Dirg: that mother was ain't right. nobody says the word sexual intercourse. whatever machinist job our main everyman Henry Spencer has it's gotta be better than filling bullets. whatever Thanksgiving turkey you're planning on having it's gotta be better than the blood bird. see i bet the pregnant girl had cravings for skinless pickles, that was your problem right there. 

Mary X: i'm going back to mother!

Henry Spencer: you mean the other woman?

Takahashi: love the anime names...

Dirg: that street-urchin boy is straight out of JoJo's Bizarre Les Mis. i mean can Henry be surprised that he got dumped? no girl likes the baggage of a man with a baby. Henry takes the scissors, cuts the sleeves off the baby's hoodie, and the lizard thing cheats his way to Super Bowls and the Presidency! and suddenly this becomes the ending of The Turin Horse. please tell me the iconic shook-face scene has a firework of eraser shavings. please tell me that's at least salt bae and not dried cum...

Dirg: look, the symbolism in this is simple, not complicated: Henry Spencer, the spermatozoon creature comes out of Henry's mouth. sperm cumming out of Henry's mouth...g'night, folks...

at the fountain:

Pat: what is this? where are we? all i see around me in a circle are brown cows, brick schoolrooms bunched together in one farmhouse, and turrets. and Rachel Maddow.

Rachel Maddow: hello all. as you can see i'm wearing a The Smiths turtleshell helmet. we're broadcasting the show to you tonight from my underground bunker at Grey Gardens...

Galivant: first, dunk your head in the water of this fountain...

Pat: done.

Galivant: you're starting life over. from college "graduate" to college student to schoolboy to boy to toddler to infant wrapped in swaddling alien clothes. you're the alien, you're gonna live a brand new life in a different place starting from Q0, Age 1. to see. we'll skip, we'll fastforward the non-communicative first-five-years and get you into grade-school stat. i'll keep all your stellar first-five-years dreams for myself in my pocket. what would it have been like if you had grown up in England instead of America? we're about to find out. Pat, you are now a LAD...

   

TMIT: ROBYN

also a surf-wax shoppe in Manhattan Beach...

1. which part of your body do you think is the most sexy? post a pic if you dare

my sixth finger on this hand here...

...hold up, brb, i gotta do the intro to Chiller Theatre...

2. which part of your partner's body do you find the most sexy? tell us about the time you first saw it:

tits. one day, fingers crossed...

3. are you a fan of lingerie on yourself? or on someone else?

i'm a fan of boxer shorts which fit right. Large instead of Medium at Macy's.........you know what, make that XL so you save yourself ANOTHER damn trip on long country roads......that was just me talking to myself, making a mental note of it, reminding my memba to kick in...

4. "Fifty Shades of Grey"---work of genius or complete twaddle?

it's a work of genius BECAUSE the authoress herself admits that it's complete twaddle...

5. would you rather listen to a sexy voice telling you what is happening or watch a sex scene on mute?

i want Annie Lennox to narrate my entire life...

BONUS: tell us about a time you experimented with a fantasy and it did not go according to plan:

i went on Plenty of Fish.........and instead of my soul mate i got the Gorton Fisherman...

...i mean how did he type his profile with that hook-hand of his?...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

BALLERINA DANCING ON A ROOFTOP BY MOONLIGHT

notes:

oh i remember that 10-episode story arc i wrote on Instagram about a ballerina dancing on a roof by moonlight. it's a beautiful image to center a tale around. it evokes Batman: The Animated Series. and that SVU episode. to the envy of parkourists the world over...

* rad maestro: i choose YOU. to be in the main ballet.

Tais Vinolo: i WIN LIFE based on my name alone! nobody will ever have a radder name than me! i'm the prima ballerina now, bitches, where my teacakes and wine!?...

* maestro: keep the feather tiara, you're gonna need it for emotional support when the show gets canceled...too soon?...

Dirg: Dovato commercial?

maestro: not cool.

* Tais: the main reason i got into ballet was to get out of this stuffy school uniform with the drab red Handmaid's Tale overcoat and green grunge Green River plaid pleated skirt...

* dad: that's a wonderful spin, honey, but now i gotta vacuum the carpet, use your cleats next time...

* mom: honey stop plie-ing in front of the tv, i can't watch the news.

Tais: I DON'T NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE???! i can do what i always dreamed of, what i always wanted, devote myself to my one life passion, which has always been ballet!!!

mom: no you still gotta do zoom school...

Tais: aw fuck

* Tais: what groceries you want me to brown-bag for you? celery? tomato? cloud ear?

mom: just buy masks. we don't need to eat, only get masks.

* instructor: wait is this porn!!?

Tais: no i'm just doing the splits. it's video but it's cool.

instructor: sorry, still getting used to zoom...

* dude: i see you, ma.

Tais: you know i'm a ballerina, right? i didn't get this flexible for you.

dude: you're blocking the stairs...

* Tais dancing in the streets in the rain, like a dream:

Tais: my mom spent 7 hours doing my braids. and i went out in the rain to dance and my hair is ruined.........worth it...

* Tais: what you smiling at?

dude: you.

Tais: shouldn't you be in school?...

* Tais: i'm so good when i leap in the rain my feet don't get wet...

* Tais: CANCELED!!!???

George Costanza: it's not you, it's covid.

Tais: IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME???!!! I INVENTED IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME!!!!!!

* Tais in bed: i'm sad. true these Christmas danglers are cool light sprites. and my ballerina crayon etchings are cool. and when i cry i cry glitter, but i'm still sad...

* little girl: i know what to do to cheer big sis up!

mom: wait i didn't know i'd be doing all the sewing...

* stairs neighbor: wow! the artwork on this invitation is stellar! you're real good, little sis! *whispering* don't tell her, but you're the better artist between you and your big sister...

other neighbor: this is your ticket out of the projects. excuse me while i get my ballet shoes...

* Tais: oh what a wonderful invitation you made for me, sis, i love it!

little sis: macaroni and glue and everything.

Tais: take it from me, never do glue! that's how they get ya, they start you off with the hot glue in 1st grade...

* dude's mom: HEY BOY! did you order a fleshlight from Amazon again!!?

dude: NO MOM, it's a flashlight i promise!

* that elevator scene back of her head IS Black Swan! Back Swan!

* dude: sorry, i missed your mark with my spotlight.

Tais: boy what were you looking at?!

dude: Batman was on the roof over there...

* Tais: what happened? you missed your cue, where was my glitter?

dude: i ordered it from Amazon, it arrived late...

* dude: but i got you Honduran seed bread.

Tais: let's date!

dude: i dunno...you're gonna be a big star...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i'm squirrelly on the Panera Pizza. on the one hand it's the first time i will ever actually eat Panera...

...i know it's weird, all my years at Berkeley and i never once had a bite of their soup or slurped down their sandwiches. on the other hand it's still flatbread pizza which is a ripoff...if you're gonna go pizza get your money's worth and make it a nice full thick crust...

 

TMIT: STYLES SPOKE(S)

tell us what you think, are the following overrated or underrated? why?

for the record, i think all things are rated.

1. birkin bags

nah they're cute. they're like the bags Ewoks would carry around the forest with them.........knowing full well the tragic cost of war and that some of them are carrying them on their shoulders...

2. iphone

sure but i mean this thing where you take up all the bandwidth of your Instagram Stories all day to discuss the newest improvements. it's just gonna change in 3 years so what's the point? you have to keep buying the next new model?.........forever? when does the madness end! i just wanted to wish my grandma a happy birthday before it was too late!!!...

3. writing a book and self-publishing

this hits a sore spot in me. writing IS my life. always has been.........tho i didn't always recognize this. self-publishing is a thorny issue, see...i don't know...everybody is a god among their circle, their group, not everyone can be JK Rowling...

...okay JK Rowling is a bad example for anything now...

...i mean i look at my dad's time when there wasn't social media and you really had to take your fucking two ton tome of a manuscript to the book publisher in New York City they didn't pay for the flight, plop that sucker down on some nebbish's desk and pray he'll publish it for you with his massive crane. and use his fleet of unmarked vans to put it out there on the shelves at Waldenbooks...

typewriter times, simpler times, halcyon times...

4. scruffy short beards

on Brad Pitt yes. on James Franco not so much...

5. hoodies

only if you cut off the sleeves...

6. HIIT workouts

please tell me that's the one where the men get to wear yoga pants......

there is only ONE reason to ever work out:

you're auditioning to get on American Gladiators...

...the '80s American Gladiators...

7. boxer briefs

i got some new boxer shorts at Macy's for my own Christmas gift to myself this last weekend...should have saved them for Boxing Day...they were Medium and i'm Large...it hurts to sit down and be typing this for you right now...

BONUS: avocado toast, overrated or underrated?

avocado toast is much like HNT...

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