Pat: so how's this gonna work?...
Galivant: you'll see...
Pat and Galivant are traveling...around the world...together...forever...but they gotta pitstop for gas-siphon snacks and salvation. so eventually they make a turn at a very nice artistic silver cherub with his privates sanded off and one piece of Hot Tamale candy in its hole. it's a very nice spit fountain. and cobblestone village with hay for roofs. and they seem to have settled somewhere in the UK...well it looks like English countryside anyway...
Pat: i want a '70s cream sweater with a red-blue-and-brown racing stripe. i want to drink blessed rains. if you squint the Toto "Africa" music video looks and sounds like Blue Oyster Cult. and through a time machine Martha Jones from Doctor Who is in this video...
they are listening to "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums on the dashboard of their car as they make the turn after the turn into the school slash gift shoppe...
the first person they see at the gift shoppe is, ironically, Celine...
Celine: *browsing around the dinner-bell cow-clanging keychains* hey, i didn't do that Woody Allen Paris film, okay!?...
Dirg: that Trelegy gilf tho
Tyzik: isn't it a little early?
Dirg: don't need to see Fleabag like everyone keeps badgering me to see, i got the Trelegy flea-market gilf!
Boc: MY GRASS-LAWN TENNIS COURTS ARE ALL DEAD! don't matter how much you water dirt! my dad Ryan Seacrest bought me new boots. but i haven't used them yet cos it's the rainy season...
Ryan Seacrest alone at the casino: it's a complete luck-of-the-draw whether or not you get abusive parents or not...
Bella Poarch joins the Orchid Girls as the inhouse tattoo rose artist, she tats the girls up on her porch...
Cazzie David is found in a cave-sized ditch, she is found all the way down lying down at the center of the Earth's full core...
Pete Davidson: what are you doing in this chasm? this Cazzie Chasm?
Cazzie: finishing up my book. the quiet down here helps me write...
Cecily Strong: i'll be playing Rebecca Lissner for a Lifetime tv-movie up here in Canada...i'm away this Thanksgiving but my heart is full but empty...it would have been impossible for me to continue living this way if Bump had won four more years...that's why i'm in Canada...
Madame Pons: Mardith! what are you doing!?
Mardith: i'm inhaling vapor, not pot smoke! for my sinuses...
Pons: silly girl, there's a LUSH soap for that. most pungent scent in the world. why does the vapor tub look like a bong?...
Mardith: a life coach is not a psychiatrist...
Pons: i'm late. i'm late. for a very important date!...
as Pons and Takahashi keep dating, all at the tea shoppe garden,
Takahashi: *talking to Laertus's camera* i want to impress on her she has the talent to be our group's photographer. look, here she comes...
Takahashi: i've seen your work, it's good! i'm not just saying that. look at the cover art and liner-notes art of this album. a combination of B&W of the band and psychedelic drippings.
Pons: yeah i don't know, do i buy double-albums anymore? just for the artwork inside the booklet?
Takahashi: sure! use it as a guide. and get Mardith to be your muse of the brush, she can join our group as our painter!
Mardith: it's my worst nightmare. my soul mate posts everyday for three years on Instagram. but i never DM him. then one day his account never posts again, it just stays there, sits there, never moving, never blinking...just staring at me...just mocking me...cos i know he's left and and he's never coming back...
Mardith: my boo is taking some time away from me to do some self-discovery...
Eye Luggage: girl you mean to tell me you're ACTUALLY dating Dirg!!!?
Mardith: i kicked him out...
Pons: you don't like him, you've just become comfortable with him...
Michael Weiss still has the speedo on...but it's under his sparkly recyclable-denim jeans...
Michael Weiss in a mortarboard: Instagram's one big vibe...one big mood shot...btw once you find someone and are taken your Instagram instantly becomes boring...
Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all Instagram channels eventually become trying to simulate '80s MTV...
Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all i do on Instagram now is wish couples well...
Doryce: i mean why we gotta spend Thanksgiving at Starbucks!?
Gladyce: i bless you with a spell to help remind you we're blessed to be together. remember? The Treehouse is being fumigated...of the pest known as Dirg...
Doryce: do they serve spaghetti here? i need a big strong man to crack the spaghetti for me...
Gladyce: well i'm glad DiGiorno finally listened to the people and took out the sleeve for the stromboli. it's softer when it's microwaved now...
Doryce: i mean The Store is so massive and big-box now, just IMAGINE all the food poisoning that goes on with their products. so how can the little guy win a food-poisoning lawsuit against them? just by taking off the shelves a seemingly-suspiciousless glass mason-jar of soup with a little less liquid than normal?...
Tyzik: whoa! Jake from State Farm is jacked!!! look at those rippling biceps!!!...
Takahashi: why do all the Hollywood babes wear that black mask that makes them look like Mileena from Mortal Kombat?...
Nikki Rowe joins the Orchid Girls again after getting tatted-up on her inside arm inhouse...
Laertus: people are cognizant now...
the crew and cast see a Christmas production of Swan Lake performed in 27 quarantine bathtubs on the video menu screen above all the coffee pots:
Laertus: Maria Tallchief, our first prima ballerina. the way America SHOULD have been from the start. with Native-American Indians being the luminaries in this society...
Doryce: mocha-flavored coffee? it's not gonna taste like i want it to taste...
Gladyce: dear it's the Christmas season, the best season for witches, it's time to take a step back, stop complaining, and reflect on our blessings. what's a little aftertaste between friends? gratitude...
Doryce: i'd take grinditude...
Gladyce: think about it, think how comfortable you feel at the Obec Walgreens...cos we're home, we're near home. now imagine that same our Walgreens but it's a foreign strange land cos it's 50 miles away from home cos we live in Salinas...
Doryce: WE LIVE IN SALINAS!!!!? THE HEXIOUS HORROR!!!
Dr. Vacc looks at his watch, a pendulum swings in the clockface...
Doryce: it's like one of those gut-check cold-as-fuck Teavana drinks which cools your stomach on contact. freezes your esophagus...
Gladyce: the tea here's so strong i can smell it even with my mask on...
Pons: that's nothing, the soaps at LUSH are so strong i can smell them a mile away from my store......with my mask on!...
Pons: i use a little bit of the essential-oil drippings to fill my smelly nightlight at night...
Felicia Combs wearing cranberry-colored lipstick for the dinner season: thanks, J Lo...
Jennifer Lopez of The Weather Channel: don't fuck me...
Jim Cantore: not sayin jus sayin, the European models are ALWAYS wrong...they're just always off...
Teuila Blakely: see? it was a nice twist on the old-as-dirt body swap: Steel wanted to be human for so long so this is how they do it. the only thing i would have added is Zoey fucking the robot in Nate's body to get more furries on board so we make more money!!! i hate my job!!!
Dirg: why do the Democrats constantly want men in skirts...
Roxy: yes, it was i, i of course goaded them into doing a musical...
Teuila: you can also use whip cream for sex...
Eye Luggage: Teuila, will that cute tech next to you who always wears black ever get her own story?...
Cotard: i miss my black woman friend...
Rangers: clever naming of Honnold Peak...
Zoey: i begged them no more jeans.........so i gotta wear supertight lycra yoga pants now!...
Dirg: first off, i had no idea Zoey had a brother. if i were Mike i wouldn't have forgiven Zoey, i would have disowned my own sister, fuck that bitch for fucking my fossil...
Boc: i got new boots, heavy-duty army boots, i FEEL it now, when i switch from my boots to my loafers, i'm light in there. when i attack those grass lawns i feel i'm an invading army, the secret police waking my neighbors in the morning, shooting my hose in riot gear. the land is so parched it literally kicks up dust like a saloon spur at first touch of wet...
Gladyce: you'd think you'd be comfortable walking around the Treehouse doing chores in socks, but you're actually more comfortable in shoes...
Gladyce: when i take my 2 Vanquish a day i can do anything, i feel invincible. braver. i comment things on Instagram i wouldn't otherwise comment...
Takahashi: when you say a piece of art is "too political" now, it just doesn't have the same sting to it anymore, the same bite...
Takahashi: hey Dirg, instead of cooking a whole Thanksgiving turkey feast, just get a lined turkey-cranberry-stuffing Dutch Crunch sandwich at The Store...
Madame Pons sneaks out the backdoor of Starbucks and the backdoor of LUSH to go to her oxydome appointment...
Laertus: they used to make all tv shows in New York City...
Dirg: girls who wear their iphones visible in their butt-pocket are showcasing to the world that they know they're hot...
Takahashi: then don't be jealous! buy them a case...
Stu: America is gonna get what it needs, rather than what it wants...
Laertus: i mean even Lark Voorhies! Lark Voorhies is coming back! Lark! if Lark comes back, Dustin Diamond has NO excuse! we've all been the porn guy, it's no big. my dad was taught high-school Spanish by Dustin Diamond's uncle...
Takahashi quietly donates his 1974 AMC Gremlin at the outdoor movie theater for money for Christmas gifts...
Laertus: this car IS the '70s!!!
Dirg: save the 8-track! BLM Friday this year?...
President Bump uses the Army to break into Phil Collins's mansion and kidnap his wife...
Phil Collins: thing is the older and balder we both get, the more and more i look like Peter Gabriel...
Takahashi: how can there NOT be a Panera in Berkeley!!!?...
Gordon Ramsay: sorry but pictures of food on Instagram are boring...
Takahashi: i coulda been so much smarter if i had eaten fish through my childhood...but i never liked fish...
Dirg: fish taco, man! the food of real men real women want...
Dirg: i feel horniest in the mornings...urge too strong, gotta cum...i need to get new boxer shorts...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...
Pat: that was another lifetime ago...
Eye: Eraserhead and go...
Laertus: Jack Nance.
Pat: nonce...i have to learn...
Laertus: Jack Nance. the Jughead hair. the MC Hammer hair. the Vanilla Ice hair. the hair i imagine when i'm looking to cast Killboy Powerhead...
Eye: JACK NANCE WAS ON MY SO-CALLED LIFE!!! everyone forgets about that! just another reason to go back and watch My So-Called Life!!!...
Laertus: i'll be honest, at first this film was what it was billed as, a midnight feature, didn't see anything particularly special about it, in fact the first quarters of it are boring, Q1 and Q2 not bringing dividends...
Eye: babe it would have been more interesting to expand an episode of Unsolved Mysteries and have the film be about how Jack Nance and all his lovers mysteriously died...
Dirg: trust the cops, trust donuts, trust meatballs, never trust crescents. you can't live up to the clean-cut Hollywood sweater. if only Thor had been at Bass Lake at the time, that guy's never around when you need him...
Dirg: certainly nothing special enough for the film to be enshrined by Congress!!! encased in a glass case like Vanilla Sky! look, let's call it out for what it is, the only thing worthy in this is that song about Heaven sung on that Broadway stage by that broad who looks like Mr. Limpet. cheeks like if Laertus were casting for Sandy Cheeks...
Eye: do this tonight when you smell your nightlight: watch this film with the picture off, the sight off, just LISTEN to this film...the noises of fog, the industrial sounds, metal clanging, the background music of its soundtrack...
Gordon Ramsay: this is where industrial music came from..the steel mills of England...
Dirg: must be nice to have an ENTIRE liberal college backing you as you make your first feature. don't have to worry about funding, poor college student, just continue spreading socialism through the world and you'll be a big star!
Laertus: Dirg, watch this film again, David Lynch is trying to tell you something subliminally, turn the volume up in your ears, take the tinfoil out, he's telling you:
David Lynch: Dirg, don't procreate. don't have children...
Laertus: scary, huh? raising children that is...
Eye: but this is all sweet, this film is a tribute to Lynch's daughter's birth defects and deformities. the stubbed hands and feet of the alien baby, like a turkey showcasing its legbones. if that ain't Thanksgiving i don't know what is!
Dirg: Lynch's daughter wrote and directed Boxing Helena.........OH! NOW it all makes sense now!
Laertus: i mean the family stows the comatose grandma away in her own corner of the kitchen, making sure she has a smoke lit by the stove to ease her troubles. see they don't just shut her away at a nursing home, they spend time together as a family, THAT's what Thanksgiving is all about!!!
Dirg: it's like bad Simpsons, bad Beverly Hillbillies...
Dirg: and that whore in the apartment across the hall...
Eye: um, being hot doesn't make you a whore...
Mardith: too much sauce only applies to spaghetti...
Laertus: that sex scene tho. it's so......weird. and mysterious and mystical...they're like two naked mannequins in a gigantic cup of boiling tea...
Dirg: there's too much smoke and steam and Steinbeck Dust Bowl dust storms in this film anyway...
Eye: this is basically an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. how do i know? the radiator. the bulky Joy Division-lines steel-mill radiator in the cold small apartment is the big giveaway...
Laertus: what was that? when Jack Nance plops a pebble into the small thing of water. like a tiny tank or cup or tea, what what that all about?...
Laertus: you know i first thought this film was gonna be about, like, the Cold War or something, something about that hair spoke Kubrick and electricity experiments with nuclear energy to me. i was genuinely shook when it ends up being about of all things actual pencil erasers, the nubs at the ends of beige school pencils...
Eye: but it's still a factory, babe, it's still a factory...
Dirg: Catholic nun pencils. you know why they kept the complicated prop of the alien baby secret? cos if Rod Serling found out he'd tell the Russians. the Russians who scraped the alien off Sputnik. Rod would tell Sigourney Weaver who would tell her autopsist who tells the Space Baby to shrink its head who would tell a struggling young Steven Spielberg trying to come up with an idea to get out of film school...
Dirg: wait the Man In The Planet is supposed to be Paul Bunyan, right?
Rubikon: no, John Henry.
Dirg: that mother was ain't right. nobody says the word sexual intercourse. whatever machinist job our main everyman Henry Spencer has it's gotta be better than filling bullets. whatever Thanksgiving turkey you're planning on having it's gotta be better than the blood bird. see i bet the pregnant girl had cravings for skinless pickles, that was your problem right there.
Mary X: i'm going back to mother!
Henry Spencer: you mean the other woman?
Takahashi: love the anime names...
Dirg: that street-urchin boy is straight out of JoJo's Bizarre Les Mis. i mean can Henry be surprised that he got dumped? no girl likes the baggage of a man with a baby. Henry takes the scissors, cuts the sleeves off the baby's hoodie, and the lizard thing cheats his way to Super Bowls and the Presidency! and suddenly this becomes the ending of The Turin Horse. please tell me the iconic shook-face scene has a firework of eraser shavings. please tell me that's at least salt bae and not dried cum...
Dirg: look, the symbolism in this is simple, not complicated: Henry Spencer, the spermatozoon creature comes out of Henry's mouth. sperm cumming out of Henry's mouth...g'night, folks...
at the fountain:
Pat: what is this? where are we? all i see around me in a circle are brown cows, brick schoolrooms bunched together in one farmhouse, and turrets. and Rachel Maddow.
Rachel Maddow: hello all. as you can see i'm wearing a The Smiths turtleshell helmet. we're broadcasting the show to you tonight from my underground bunker at Grey Gardens...
Galivant: first, dunk your head in the water of this fountain...
Pat: done.
Galivant: you're starting life over. from college "graduate" to college student to schoolboy to boy to toddler to infant wrapped in swaddling alien clothes. you're the alien, you're gonna live a brand new life in a different place starting from Q0, Age 1. to see. we'll skip, we'll fastforward the non-communicative first-five-years and get you into grade-school stat. i'll keep all your stellar first-five-years dreams for myself in my pocket. what would it have been like if you had grown up in England instead of America? we're about to find out. Pat, you are now a LAD...
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