THE CAFE WITH TAN IVY: READING PARTY

 

Jen R: A CAFE IS BORING!!! there's nothing to do here.

me: i mean, eat.

Jen: no, dude, you gotta READ if you're gonna make a contribution to society.

Barney: as in contribution, not money...

me: you're not affected by the low din?

Jen: i prefer a low den.

Jen: you know those reading parties that are popping up everywhere?

Barney: mostly at Starbucks.

Jen: i don't get them tho, like here it's such a QUIET SPACE. people are reading their books in silence, it's meant to be a PARTY!!!

Barney: loud? i can't hear out of my right ear. that bass was too loud as a kid.

Jen: switch your nose ring, convert it into an earring, that's back in style. as long as it's ONE RING for the man.

Jen has an idea. she gathers her fellow female bookeaters and implores them to SHAKE THEIR BOOTY as they turn a page.

Jen: hey you got any music in this dump?

Barney: just Spin Doctors.

Dan Green: i could only be a big fish in a small pond...

Cinderella Liberty.

Baggs: you know it's okay that Jack Tripper couldn't fight that GIANT SAILOR in the "Jack the Giant Killer" episode, violence solves nothing. i would have beat him up but i'm a man.

Jack Tripper: the chicken sandwiches at the Regal Beagle are dry.

Peter Palmer: LOOK AT ME, of course i had 7 kids!!!

Spalding Gray: metal plate in the head from Vietnam, yeah i got my metal plate in Cambodia. i really shouldn't be near water like this...

Baggs polishing his bike: you ever been to Bikes R Us?

Maggie: i only do lesbian when i have to.

Baggs: i'll take the boy one day.

social worker who is Nurse Ratched as a civilian: we don't care that you're a whore, we're just here to see if the check actually made it to the bank...

BOMBSHELL PREGNANCY!!!

Maggie, blubbering as she cries: the only sailor i ever loved was Popeye because his cock was green!!!

Donald Trump: yeah in Atlantic City we'd go under the Boardwalk planks hoping the girls weren't wearing any panties.

strip-show barker: P.T. Barnum never told us about this...

Angela Pussy: come on, i'm a mom.

Eli Wallach: i've never been in love.........what's the point of the armed forces again?...

Baggs: i know we're poor and everything but can we get ONE LIGHT in this room?

Doug: i wanted to be named Huey, Huey's a cool name. instead i was named after Tiger Woods.

Jen R: the '70s was the last decade where you could get good money from a pawn shop.

Sanford & Son: ...

Baggs to loan shark: how much you give me for these two jars of Old Spice shaving cream with the walrus brush?

Doug: my unfixed teeth are gangsta.

Maggie: i want the Mario Bros. game from the PX, sailor man. i want that cartridge stored in my tits.

Maggie on the bus: why does my KFC always have a feather?

James Caan: i'm in love with a prostitute. that's it. don't make me feel good but i am.

Jen: hey that's a cool trickl!!! hang onto the outside back of a bus, you never have to pay bus fare again!!!

Doug: my teeth bleed when i brush my teeth.........because i never brush my teeth...

Avo Babian: i'll do the kid's teeth for free. contrary to many popular YouTube videos, you can't actually perform a self-root canal in your bathroom.

baby: hey watch the feet, man, thanks a lot, now my feet are all full of ink!!!

Dirg: when a ho says she loves you.........oh sorry, time and place.

Baggs: um, can i get out of this silly navy-blue sailor suit now? i feel like a toy at FAO Schwarz. i haven't worn a suit and tie all movie!!! i'm gonna wear this Rollerball uniform, it's very retrofuturism.

Baggs: i really hate every time i have to slide open Maggie's bedroom door...

James Caan: see? i should have been Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

unconditional love: more of this please. to a kinder world.

Snickers: the Halloween candy.

unc: a chop professor at UNC.

Mr. Miyagi: ...

Gene Rayburn: i'm not the star of Match Game, merely its host...

green card in soccer: when you display good sportsmanship in the sin bin.

anime creators: we're all big into rock n roll.

curlew: it's past your curfew...

smile: not the Amazon smile, the McDonald's smile...

The Price Is Rice: that time Bob Barker had to go on a diplomacy tour to China because all our leaders were failing us...

Ann Voskamp: Canadian blogger, not Christian blogger...

airport divorce: gotta leave room for running all the way down the blue airport carpet JUST catching her before she boards the plane for Seattle.

Jen R: most people aren't in a rush. you know? they're not in the same rush you're in because they're younger...

house sauce: can be hoisin sauce.

Natalie Portman with her comet-gazing telescope: Black Swan wasn't a lemon, that ending was glorious!!! he had an accent...

migraine: yeah i don't care about this stupid Monopoly game you're winning.

Lipschitz: i am so sorry.

Mr. Holland: you know your high-school band class is cool when the teacher plays an electric guitar in that small room.

Jen has the whole joint jumping up and down as they lick their fingers reading a hardbound book with a real spine.

Jen R: grimoires don't count, ladies. we're reading the new Bridgerton this week!!! hey got any Bridgerton music?

Barney: i could play this Downton Abbey cassette i got in the mail from PBS LOUD?...

through the glass Jen motions for me to come outside.

me: i don't like being outside a cafe.

Jen: it's dangerous. but LOOK!!! on the ground next to the sidewalk spilling sewage.

me: omg, is that.........dad's chewed pen?!!!

Jen: yep. one of his old ones. last ones. chewed up good by his own teeth. a blue Bic.

me: that's a black Bic in moonlight. this is a TREASURE i'll never be able to repay you for.

Jen: oh i'll think of something. 

me: dad? enter my dreams. not for writing ideas, for answers.

Jen: this is like WAY MORE VALUABLE than a lucky penny. this could actually help you write again.

THE CAFE WITH TAN IVY: COUNTRY ELECTRONICA

 

Jen R: hey remember when you almost joined a band?

me: many times. in my head.

Jen: it was over at THIS place over here. remember? the cafe NEXT to Night Burger.

me: that takes me back!!!...

Jen: you met a cool shaggy skinny dude with a peach goatee, gold tuft of hair, in a greasy beige shirt dishing out tan cupcakes. 

me: oh yeah, Barney. whatever happened to him? he was keen. but i was scared of the world back then. still am. he was a talented bassist. well he SAID he was a talented bassist.

Jen: you went to the cafe straight from coming from The Wherehouse having just purchased the Enigma album The Screen Behind the Mirror.

me: remember when those Enigma songs were new? "The Gravity of Love." exciting times.

Jen: he said he was more country...

we enter and of course Barney is still there. sad really. 30 years later, no progress? no moving? he has a potbelly, his greasy beige shirt is now a greasy beige apron covering his belly like he's pregnant.

Barney: pregnant with sadness. but at least i have a job, you don't. YOU didn't move, either!!!

Jen: love the blond ponytail. it's a cool choice because most men with curly hair like that don't attempt it.

me: what was the name of the band that never was we were gonna form?

Barney: Journey.

Jen: taken.

Barney: no, Journey of Grief.

Jen: very country.

Barney: get off my ass, will ya lady? don't rub it in my face that you have a wife, my girlfriend lives over the bridge. do you want the tan cupcake with cheese or bacon? 

Jen: can it just be with sugar?

Barney: too much sugar acid.

Halloween: just another reminder that you don't have kids...

Cinderella Liberty.

me: i saw this VHS at Blockbuster and i knew it'd have Kramer vs. Kramer vibes...

Walt Disney: is this the period when we were working with Don Bluth?...

Marsha Mason: no i don't have a "pornstar face..."

Kurt Cobain: Seattle in the '70s. the Space Needle was the Space Eye. i had my Mr. Kotter fro. i played drums in the 5th Grade marching band...

James Caan: call me Billy Budd the Sailor Man, all pure and good. here's my good Navy buddy Jack Tripper.

Jack Tripper: we BOTH have tattoos on our butts that say The Love Butt.

Mark Christensen: sign's upside down, kid...

sailor: just taking my MarineLand lifebuoy i got at the gift shop.

any good movies?: The Godfather is too niche for a sequel...

slapping asses: it's okay, it's the Navy.

Maggie Paul: i'm too quick for you. i'm hitting the pool balls with my vagina. hustler, get it?

Baggs: i can do the masse. it's kinda cheating. look, upfront, i want a wife, my mother abandoned me, i had to live with Donald Duck. 

Jack Nicholson: mental patients need love, too.

Sunday-school basement: pool-shooters and donuts.

Maggie: we'll be fucking in the next room on a bed with a noisy spring while my kid does math problems with a pencil in this room, no problem. those sleeping pills are mine, not his, come on, man.

red veil over lamp: it's not a proper brothel without that red light.

Jen R: remember those '70s refrigerators with the giant rotor in the middle?

mulatto son: how did you expect me to react? you honestly thought i was gonna shake your hand?

nobody's welcome here: E: those who spend the night at a Japanese love hotel...

Baggs: um, riding a tiny rollercoaster with Marcia Brady is not fun.

two black youths on a Ferris wheel: we're drinking the very first 40...

Norman Lear: this Ferris wheel is my shows.

Baggs: here's a couple dollars, get the kid some McDonald's. 

Maggie: he likes Seattle fish.

Baggs: fine, get the kid a Seattle Filet-O-Fish. make sure he only drinks Pepsi. keep him in school, he's gonna cure cancer someday.

SP: Space Patrol.

Scorpio men: we have those curved penises that look like a scorpion's tail.

Baggs: can i stay in the kitchen? i wanna cook the hamburger meat.

Doug; not a switchblade, my pencil.

Vitamin E: your Vietnam deferment...

slam the door: missed.

Forshay: it's not For Gay, okay?

Eli Wallach: i'm handsome Joe Pesci.

Forshay: i threw that pansy kid in the ocean to teach him to swim. he didn't swim. he drowned. turned out his daddy was Ted Kennedy.

Baggs: John Wayne is a candyass, there i said it.

Doug: look at my red and green hair, man.

Baggs at the cineplex: well i want some candy. a Bob Marley Christmas movie, i got you.

Eli toting a duffel: want some priceless advice?

Stereo 101: we play Green River...

Navy Relief: peeing in the tub.

Maggie: don't mind me, just drinking some hot milk of magnesia.

basement Baptist: all Navy are Baptist because of the water thing. some went to Sunday school...

wrought-iron gate with the one-foot brick wall all around the house: that is so Bugs Bunny.

honey: you don't really say honey unless you're a gay man.

Honeyetta Eyvany: ...

Honeyetta Eyvany: cum on my plump Persian tits. don't worry, honey, i'm still on Instagram...

Lupin III: i stole the Louvre crown jewels, just another Sunday for me, i don't go to church. what? they were Napoleon's jewels, i grabbed them.

Napoleon: give me back my tiara!!!

Dirg: all these beautiful women on Instagram, men have given up trying to comment on their page, all that's left for them is their girlfriends!!!

shrine: it's not Satanic, it's Japanese...

Al Capone: spaghetti with walnut sauce. because this hard walnut shell can hide a metal file. no my last name don't mean chicken...

Boc: walk backwards. it's better than walking forwards. everyone in town will see you looking like a moron but still...

golf in prison: bank shots, not robbing banks.

Diana DeGarmo: Simon Cowell said our voices were bad.

Ace Young: Simon said we had Broadway voices.

Diana: joke's on him, we met on Hair, the greatest most magical musical of all time. our bad voices gave us an Aquarius love.

Jillie Mack: now THAT's what i call a shy retiring English girl getting herself a CATCH!!! i'm bloody Tom Selleck's wife!!! you know, the bloke with the mustache. i'm Magnum P.I.'s fucking wife!!! and once again Broadway blooms love. Cats may be for hacks but there's nothing more magical than falling in love at a play.

Ange Postecoglou: i'm shaking the hands of the Chelsea players because i want to be on their side, i'm just gonna stay over here on their sideline.

Trent Reznor: End... 

Elon Musk: turn signals on cars should automatically turn on. hey i'm trying.

Mardith: when a woman leaves Instagram, she doesn't come back...

Arsenal corner kicks: the Eagles tush-push.

Barney emerges from behind the glass to finally reveal to the world his bald legs.  

Jen R: you KEPT your nose ring from the '90s, i really do admire men like that.

Barney: quit hydroplaning my ass, lady.

me: wait were you wearing shorts when we met? i don't remember. anyway, look, you can have my keyboard. it's still in the attic, i wrote a Mickey Mouse jingle on it.

Jen: and the Dreamachine we stole back from Round Table Pizza.

Barney: what is this now? what are we doing now? '50s garage rock?

Jen: that's Scooby Doo music.

Barney: do you think this beige tray could be used to make pizzas?

man in a black trenchcoat shielding his eyes the next mini-table over: got anything for ocular migraine?

Barney: coffee?

man: try again, bud.

Barney licking his pencil and padding his pad: okay what do you two want? 

Jen: why the specials of course.

Barney: the afterschool specials that WEREN'T on ABC, remember? do you want your chow mein orange-chicken or chili-cheese?

 

WET EYES: DOT THE OLD MAID

 

Wet Eyes: you wanna know why i cry? i cry for YOU.

Dot from It's a Living: me?

Wet Eyes: yes YOU dear. 

Dot starts to cry, her eyes get redder faster than Wet Eyes's lifetime ocular project.

Dot: yeah you're right. my life has been a HORROR SHOW. do you know what it feels like to look around your workplace at your fellow high-end waitress friends who all smile back at you hitched with children? 

Jan: i can't shut up about Richie, all our situations with the kids are offscreened...

Dot: and i'm the ONLY one who's an old maid?!!! mind you in the '80s 30 was old. but still. a drop-dead gorgeous woman like me should NOT be an old maid, it's unfathomable. an old maid is the most depressing thing a woman can be.

Wet Eyes: i don't believe it. NOBODY wanted to marry you?!!! everybody just wanted to fuck you?

Dot: i get in a cycle, you know? like i can't remember the last time i had a third date...

Wet Eyes: i had a great time whenever i went to your skyhigh restaurant.

Dot: oh thanks. i think i remember you.

Wet: and i'm not talking about the food which was food with salad. the ambiance. i'm right there at UCLA summer theatre camp in the '80s, you know? the feeling of that, the warmth of possibility of a drama career. when people still cared about stage productions. i can hear Sonny at the piano now singing "Singing in the Rain" then getting up from his piano bench to show his legs as he motions the eating public to sing along with him doing Sound of Music standards and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" with his fingers.

Dot: i have the sinking feeling i'm linked with Sonny Mann...

Wet: and don't be so hard on Nancy Beebe.

Nancy Beebe: beneath my hard exterior is a woman DESPONDENT to find love. do you see how hard i work Howard EVERY FUCKING DAMN DAY scheming and conniving and cajoling that bald bastard to go on a first date with me?!!! I DON'T GIVE UP, MAN!!! nobody has ever seen me in my peignoir, not even mother. my speech pattern may be harsh English schoolmarm but i must elucidate my feelings clearly as if on stage to the man i shall betroth. i want a man like any woman, my gaudy nightgowns i wear to work be damned. i want fucking love. even a hardshell deserves love. you can only be a boss to women if you're a bitch.

Mr. Miyagi: i only use my karate chop in Miami...

Giant Rat: i'm here to collect all my babies, every rat in every rat trap in every attic. i mean i am justified in my bloodcurdling screams, you know?

Trent Reznor: imagine you're at an '80s mall-karate studio dancing to the Nine Inch Nails song "Ruiner" as sung in the style of Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical." 

Jane Fonda: shaking your leotard butt to "Ruiner" then turning around.

use your six-inch voice: when listening to Nine Inch Nails.

the AI bubble: it's artificial...

soulmate: someone who haunts.

me: i thought a soulmate was a good thing!!!

Jen R: a soulmate is not a good thing, a soulmate is not a bad thing, a soulmate is someone you have...

step outside: not to fight, to take that call.

Peter Piper: i'm Spider-Man...

Instagram: pure art, no dates...

gish gallop: when you were trying to justify the purchase of that Smashing Pumpkins Gish tape cassette.

Billy Corgan: to the clerk at Wherehouse.

dancing pumps: ugly as sin. no wonder Natalie Portman chose the pointe shoes...

Michael J. Fox: it was the Cobain powder-blue guitar, okay?!!! the timeline i'm interested in is my health timeline...

Selena Gomez: i'm crying because this could all go away tomorrow. did you know Justin Bieber wants to be king of Canada because he saw Justin Trudeau do it and he thinks it's a Justin thing?

Justin Bieber: no i was saying i'm against Trump and Katy Perry is bush-league...

OPACY: Macy's in Baltimore.

Jen R: no socks.

6 Kings Slam: the lost episode of Storybook International...

Breakthrough men's community: meaningful relationships, not porn.

chickenpox: so '80s.

hot pavement: not fun, no eggs, just humid beads on foreheads in Downtown Los Angeles while uncomfortably trying to check out a light-green library book in a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and laced with sweat. water armpit stains along a white uphill sidewalk miraging your bleary eyes. a small rotary fan on the dashboard of your Pinto.

Blue Jays: just tying up loose ends. Brewers on the brink.

Kurt Cobain: man this sucks.

Punky Brewster: ...

Pope Bob wearing a White Sox cap: i summoned the original white unicorn from the '80s Tom Cruise movie Legend. with my magic.

Fragile Prairie and Dutch Dawson are discussing something truly vital.

Fragile Prairie: they don't get us, man. we're doing important things here. we're catching the ghost!!!

Dutch Dawson: yeah, it's not just about dancing in church while hymning gibberish. talking in tongues, the same tongue you used at prom. all dance is because the spirit is in you. i'm gonna do magic for a living.

Fragile: it's about making sure Casper stays good in these harsh times, he's the only good in this bad who can save us!!! who hasn't completely turned hopeless from doomscrolling.

Ghostwriter: i already got depressed from these times. but i'm a writer, so.

Dutch: only the two of us can see him.

Ghostwriter: i'm a her.

Casper: if i start catching feelings we're all doomed.

Dot: it is a crime of love that i'm still single. i mean look at me!!! look at my face!!! look at my tits!!! look at my butt!!! plus i'm an actor so i'm fun to be around. i'm zany to be with, i go on adventures.

Wet Eyes: i've always said, i don't care if the woman is butt-ugly, if she's zany she can be an actress. wanna join me? i mean join my family. me and the boy. we need a woman. to guide us. my boy is a lot of work, i need to tag-team a partner to put my feet up in Acapulco on odd days. life is about relaxing.

Wet Eyes goes to hug Dot and the two cry different together. the embrace lasts until 6PM.

Dot, crying: you'd do that for me? let me have my second family? after all my years of pain and anguish and uncertain doubt and despairing directionlessness, i fit into your mess just like that?

Wet: sure. why not. you only live once. no time like the present.

Dot: okay but where's your wife?

Wet Eyes: the boy and i don't like to talk about the mother. she made us crazy. 

WET EYES: MY BOY

 

Wet Eyes: my greatest fear is leaving my boy all alone to fend for himself. i hope he makes at least one friend to make life bearable when i'm gone.

dad: is this a segue into your cowboy cigarettes yarn?

JUST THEN Richard Dawson, whom nobody had suspected or noticed, pops his English head from the surface of the crowd in a circle. 

Dickie Dawson: don't worry. Wet Eyes and i go way back, we did that episode of Gunsmoke together, remember? that was the one that broke the record. this is MY boy.

in a genuine Hollywood display the double-doors fling open and THERE is Richard Dawson's son: all decked out in a velvet blazer and newsboy cap.

Richard: see? my boy has it as bad as yours, they could be the best of friends. look at my son, he looks like he just stepped off the set of A Clockwork Orange, the only reason he doesn't get bullied at school by the other kids, teachers, nurses, and principal is they know he's my son!!!

Christopher Columbus: do kids still get my day off school?...

Nightmares (1983).

other driver: it's a bitch finding parking in Los Angeles so i drove my truck underground. it's free parking but the grass clumps still get in the exhaust pipe.

upside-down crucifix: i'm just resting.

Father Frank: i just got crushed in a car wreck. just as well. what was i gonna do post-priest? be a Macy's mechanical man?

Father Frank: why am i struggling so hard to survive? i have nothing to live for now that i don't believe in anything. you think i'm making this up?

highway cop: no sir, but you do believe in God, so. now if you started talking about the Xenomorph, that is science.

Lourdes: that wasn't Mary, that was an older French woman looking for a good time.

wind: there have never been ghosts...

Trinity the cat: this is why i'm so colicky. as you can plainly see, i was a big star before i met you...

father: his wife's expecting? the paternity test proved i wasn't the father so i expect him in office bright and early tomorrow morning at 6.

daughter: mommy, what's high-fructose corn syrup?

mom: the beef tallow of sugar.

father: i have one of those smug '80s mustaches. we remain rich in this family because we don't hire rat-droppings shysters. i'll get rid of the rat. if that doesn't work i'll have my good friend Michael Jackson come over to the house to see what he can do.

Michael Jackson: i'll get rid of the rodent. Frank DiLeo, right?...

daughter: i have a crush on Billy Noble at school. Noble is his middle name, last name Corgan. mommy, why is it that despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage?

Veronica Cartwright: no sex tonight, Steven. refer to my Oscar-winning performance in The Witches of Eastwick...

Veronica: your words are sledgehammers. 

Richard Masur: doers like Peter Gabriel.

Rosie the cat: NOW you'd rather have me here and pregnant, huh.

plunger: drain the cleanout. plug the stopgap with a rubber cap.

Choosey: best name for a rat doll, very Richard Scarry.

Cindy Brady: i'll protect you.

exterminator: see for me rats are like Fraggles.

Jen R: those '80s stationwagons with the back flat-down like a droopy frown. the Spielberg Jackrabbit Car was cooler.

Jen: oh damn!!! look at that LARGE television set that 6-year-old girl has in her room!!!

Keefer: no, Germany in the 1600s, relax. this rodent devil eats assholes like your husband.

Giant Rat: did you know the song "Louie Louie" birthed Nirvana? 

lithium-ion battery: more destructive than a rifle.

Giant Rat: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR KID TO CHUCK E. CHEESE!!! don't worry, i'm not really here, i'm a Star Wars hologram.

Bridgette Andersen: daddy, where is the big mama rat off to now?

dad: where you are, where there are no roads...

technician: we ain't plumbers, man.

Cell from Dragon Ball Z: what's your cell number?...

Mr. Miyagi: i only use my karate chop to tenderize my pork chop.

Marilou Aussilloux: don't just look at my Australian ass.

Ana Barbara: i live in Santa Barbara. i like Hanna-Barbera cartoons more than my boy. put 50 on rent at the Atlantic City tables, where the buffet is only garlic knots...

a date at 6PM: that's just weird.

Perry Mason: now you know, why i had all the answers, i was a Freemason...

mucus buildup in the nose: your nose is runny, it's running towards winter.

cryptids: unlike crypto, we're cool.

Humphrey Bogart: i was sexy even as an old man. as an old man i looked like Desi Arnaz...

Jodie Foster hosting SNL at age 14 in the '70s: this is my monologue. don't look at my pants, i just had the first-ever Orange Julius...

Coldwell: we're not a cold bank.

Bruce Springsteen: when i was a boy there was a hole in my room. a hole in my bedroom floor. needless to say when the other kids came over to play i played The Floor Is Lava different and scared them...

dogs: the only way we kiss is with tongue...

downtown arcade cabinets: all lined up, all in a row, grimy, dirty, filthy, dusty light.

Elaine Joyce: i was continuously on cocaine.

New York Times excerpts: because nobody can be bothered to read a memoir these days...

Carole King: with my daughter and everything, i should be on Family Guy in cartoon form each week...

Wet Eyes's boy: that Jodie Foster thing just now.

Richard Dawson's boy: right.

Wet Eyes's boy: i feel i'm right there with Jodie Foster drinking that same Orange Julius in 1976, you see how my brain thinks?

Richard Dawson's boy: i feel the same way. er i think the same way. imagine the same way, experience the same way. see the same way.

the two boys shake hands like old chaps.

Wet Eyes's boy: Fragile Prairie.

Richard Dawson's boy: Dutch, nice to meet you.

Fragile Prairie: wanna go back to my house, flip through the first-ever Thrasher magazine, smoke the first-ever legal marijuana, and pile quarters into totem poles? my dad the actor's never home, he's away more than a door-to-door vacuum and/or encyclopedia salesman.

Dutch Dawson: my father's a strange one, when he drives me home back from private tennis lessons, he keeps telling me to viddy this and viddy that, as if i have any idea what the fuck that means. it's bad enough being the chubby boy, you know? it's like come on, dad, get off my back unless you got some real film knowledge.