STARTER MARRIAGE: AMEN OR ARTHUR

 

Dot: where does your work take you today, dear?

Sonny: i'm going down to Juilliard. which is up in New York.

Dot: we all know how THAT turned out for you!!! your mother practically disowned you for sullying the Mann name by becoming a lounge singer instead of a proper classical nut.

Rachmaninoff: leave me out of this. classical music is a racket.

Sonny: Dustin Diamond and i will be talking to kids about the dangers of lung cancer even if you don't smoke. lung cancer is long cancer. Screech never existed, he was just a collective dream.

Dustin Diamond: i'll be telling kids with showbiz dreams that sometimes life just sucks...

Sonny and Dot share a body mirror.

Sonny: which one, dear? the sweatshirt or the pimp coat?

Dot: it's weird how you don't wear a tux anymore. brown sweatshirt for autumn, black Mr. Kotter/Mr. Serling fuzz jacket for winter.

Sonny: the hotel lobby has an art exhibit i want to catch, The Art of Manga. i have a feeling i'm gonna be needing anime soon...

Witch of Endor: i'm a medium, not a witch. i was all the Disney witches. i trained Luke Skywalker...

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Nurse Rachel: that's Nurse Rachel, not Nurse Ratched.

John Travolta: it sure is nice to have a lake behind my house.

Jen R: all '70s houses had an outdoor outlet on the side of the house...

Nurse Rachel: you two can't fuck, the extension cord's not long enough...

John: ride for me, Gina.

Glynnis O'Connor: cowgirl?

Nurse Rachel: this is the time of day i drink sherry and call my ex-boyfriend on the telephone pretending i want him back...

Gina: i had no idea the horse would chew the wire, Tod!!!

Gina: Tod, put your cock through the bubble hole.

Jen: those fast and loose '70s women, kissing another man AS she skips to her boyfriend's car!!!

Robert Reed: i heard Gina's horse hit your bubble on the jump and the bubble came tumbling down into the lake.

John: i want to be the inspiration for the medical-tent scene in E.T....

John: i won't get bullied at school for wearing this, right? i want to be a gardener, not an astronaut.

Mr. Brady: why do i drive a creepy white van?

Jen: why did all '70s public high schools look like Methodist churches?

12th-Grade girl: are you staring at my big butt in that spacesuit?

Ms. Krause: oh my god!!! those first early printing machines that were just two large silver metal clamps!!!

Mr. Maldark: Tod, you have to plug yourself in the air-conditioning on the roof of the school.

Gina: my friends Tom and Bruce, the two men who hate you for fucking me. and of course Debbie the Skins Cassie of the group...

John: okay but my powerpack is running on one Duracell battery...

Gina: sorry Tod, marijuana makes people mean.

John: yeah i used astral projection to go to your mom's house.

Mr. Maldark: so instead of a school swimming pool we used the space for Tod's bubble...

Gina: oh, so I'M the one who lives in the Brady Bunch House!!!

Jen: we're like Diana Hyland and John Travolta.

me: yeah, except THOSE TWO could call each other on the telephone whenever they wanted...

Gina: this is pretty dirty, Tod. we're fucking in the back of a van and your spacesuit is the condom.

Gina: i'm going to the Fame school in New York City!!!

Tod: don't be an art prat, Gina.

Gina: if you close-up on my face you can tell i'm an adult woman, not a teen high-schooler...

Tod: i would have made the perfect Head of the Class student...

Opus No. 1: the call-waiting Vaporwave song.

Bach wearing a purple wig: ...

Marcus Samuelsson: i didn't marry Charlize Theron?...

Jen R: age tuum negotium, not mind your own business, do your business.

me dancing and sing-songy: Jen got a divorce, Jen got a divorce, Jen got a divorce...

Jen: you know it really is true, 2 Vanquish makes you feel like you're on speed...

'80s sitcoms: each episode takes place one month later...

Mr. Furley: you will only see me naked with that Polynesian woman i went on the Hawaii episode of Mama's Family with...

Cell: call.

baby Goku: what?

Cell: call Cell.

baby Goku: why am i never full-grown anymore?

Patti Deutsch on Match Game: i'm not interested in matching the contestants, i'm only interested in giving you my college-learned quips.

woman talking about her sister: unmarried.

tits: i hate being called perky.

sculpted nails: that's cultured nails.

a student: a D student...

snood: a Charlie Brown infinity scarf...

sprinkles: ruins donuts.

torus: the chiffon cake of math...

the 1970s: the last decade people knocked on doors.

AT&T: we're the telephone carrier of country folk, you know, good solid people...

Jan is in the waitress dressing room on that ratty couch knitting.

Jan: YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!!!

Dot: oh my fucking god are you serious?!!! and i was just about to break a leg.

Jan: i'm a Jewish woman who knits, of course i'm a fortuneteller, of course i'm a baba.

Dot: Arthur, my Arthur, that'll be his name, very showbiz.  

Jan: tickling the arthurs. phew, i was afraid you were gonna call the kid Donny. what's around your neck? it's very becoming. a noose? just kidding.

Dot: an infinity scarf because i'm retiring. what are you knitting my Arthur baby?

Jan: a snood. 

Sonny: and i'm here with a pink box of donuts with sprinkles to celebrate the occasion.

Dot: typical Sonny.

Bea Arthur: you're Dot the first Dorothy...

Sonny: i swear i won't Juilliard this kid!!! he won't be Juilliard'd!!! no pressure.

Dot: yeah. and he'll only be in ONE play when he's 8 years old where he'll play Charlie Brown AND Lucy in the same play...