WET EYES: ST. CYRIL'S THEATRE

 

Wet Eyes was the theatre director at St. Cyril's. he was a mysterious man. you see a little podunk place like St. Cyril's wasn't used to Hollywood royalty giving us acting lessons. legend was he worked with Robert De Niro once on something. he worked down in The Valley. and he was used to legends, being 1/6 Indian Native American Cherokee, which was more than most. 

Wet Eyes: why does life delight in being mean? as you can see, i'm skinny as a beanpole, checkered tablecloth for a shirt, my trademark cowboy bluejeans, hair slicked-back black shoepolish, apricot-colored rawhide cowboy boots, gravelly dirt voice, my face is if Howdy Doody was real. a face pockmarked from smoking strange Mexican cigarillos. the reason i'm so thin is i'm so sad. the reason my people call me Wet Eyes is my eyes are raw, tender, and red from constant crying, my life consists of tears. i carry a blood-red handkerchief with white polka dots in my jeans backpocket, you can't miss it. i'm constantly taking the hanky out and dabbing my eyes. 

Kevin Costner: i had nothing to do with this.

Wet Eyes: it's my boy. my 6-year-old son was born with Fragile X syndrome. i cry whenever i think about the HARD-AS-FUCK life he's gonna have. oh well. all i can do is sigh. and give others the means to pretend to get out of their doomed lives. that's what acting is, right? i'll give anyone gathered in a circle on stage here a fin if they know how to be happy in life.

dad whispers in my ear: a fin is noir slang for a 5-dollar bill.

me: i love you, dad.

our class of 6-year-olds have bewildered eyes as we eat our travel packs of Funyuns. Sister Carol Francis the principal gives only me a stern look through her peephole glasses, tossing back her eggshell-blue veil like it was her long blonde hair and she was a Valley girl.

autumn: for the first time in your life, autumn is tree-cutting season.

chainsaw: that's some scary shit.

Jen R: remember in the '80s everyone had that red plastic brick-shaped power-beam flashlight from RadioShack?...

Nightmares (1983).

Pyewacket: my eyes are friendly.

cop: it's ALWAYS the tail light. cute don't crime.

Cory Matthews: terror in Topanga, yeah, that was our marriage...

Chatsworth: a lot of porn like in Van Nuys, but Van Nuys has that cool Taco Bell.

Jen R: this is the Brady Bunch House with MANY more ferns.

milk: why does cereal always need to be a midnight snack?...

Jen: that is a cool family community chalkboard, we should try that, we need one of those for our family.

Lisa: because the long Metropolitan cigarettes don't fit in the frame...

Shelley Duvall: ...

gas: Super Unleaded?...

gas-station attendant in gray jumpsuit at night: let's face it, we're all creepy killers.

Jen: the killer was Jim Belushi?

Emilio Estevez: practicing being rebellious for The Breakfast Club...

Takahashi: oh man, a downtown arcade right on the street there along Hollywood Boulevard, THAT is punk.

little brother: Parker Lewis lost a lot of quarters as a kid...

Mexican youth: this is a hairnet, ese, i work in a kitchen, i'm not in a gang.

gang leader: we don't do drugs, vato, we do joysticks.

chingas: we punk, but we've never heard of the band Fear...

Al Davis: A Commitment To Excellence on that city bus there, remember when the Raiders were good?...

New Jersey: we have a Galleria, too.

Pamela: bring "shine it" back.

Emilio: I HAVE A PROBLEM, DAD!!! video-game addiction is a BRAND NEW disease in 1983, mom!!! society sucks, man!!!

mom on the phone: Zock, is that you? what kind of ridiculous name is Zock?

Emilio: i WOULD play against you, Tron-head man, but there's no slot to put the quarter in real life...

priest: don't worry, little guy, i'm Catholic but i won't ban Bambi.

Lance Henriksen: why is it that the only character i play is Frank?

priest: where do alcoholic priests go for help?

junior priest: don't call that 1-900 number again, Frank.

priest: i don't mind doing the baptisms and the weddings, can someone else do the funerals? they're so depressing.

altar boys at a funeral: do we REALLY need to be here?...

holy water: works in a car radiator in a pinch.

faith restores peace: in your wife.

Father Frank: we are living in a great void, Your Eminence. at least let me be an atheist based on the Biblical description of God, i mean He's so damn paternalistic!!!

Melissa Maker: the hostages are finally coming home after two years, i'm jumpy, i'm antsy, i'm vulnerable, i need to fuck to get out all this paralyzing nervous energy from my body. let's do it.

me: ...

Melissa: what's the holdup?!!! for fuck sake you don't know how to undo a bra?

me: my fingers always get stuck.

Jen R: they say sex is for expelling anxiety from the body. shall we go to the Mexican restaurant?

Melissa: yeah i guess. it's always chips season in October. fill a couple of my bras with halloumi and let's go, that's what i use my bras for now...

Okarun from Dandadan: how long when you have a JACKED chest like me do you stop being called a nerd?...

Lars von Trier: i literally don't know how to write a happy ending...

Rolaids antacids: gentle poo-inducers.

Jack-O-Lantern Whopper from Burger King: orange hamburger meat.

Jen R: can a hamburger give you a headache?...

Diane Keaton: no Sleeper jokes, okay, kids? respect your coastal grandma. i'm not sleeping forever. remember, i'm from Philadelphia, we believe in God. it doesn't matter, all humans are robots...

me: if i ever needed cold air in my nose at 5AM.........and it smells of pot...

Jen R: look at that moon, tho!!! Ms. Moon is a pizza crust for us.

Bitch Bible on PodcastOne: actually a nice homey room with a sofa where two former UCLA roommates catch up.

Waldo: i fucked up your eyes.

aging parents: SNL always knows your life in its sketches...

on the Life with Derek set. or the sequel in 15 years.

Michael Seater: if i wasn't queer, Ashley Leggat and i would have 3 kids now...

Ashley Leggat: yeah. i don't even like hockey.

Janet Wood: you forgot i had that PHAT BUTT.

money: morality?...

Yhwach: well i'm half the man i used to be, for as i feel as the dawn, it fades to gray...

mucus buildup in the nose: relax, it's Autumn, you made it.

Wet Eyes: do you want to know the answer?

Wet Eyes's son pops his head up like a turtle from our bewildered class and starts to scurry around the circle crazily vocalizing incoherent dragon sounds.

Wet Eyes: that. my boy. see he's doing dragon improv, he thinks two steps ahead of everybody else, i wasn't thinking of doing the improv exercise til Tuesday. my son's a genius.

Wet Eyes takes the handkerchief from his pocket, dabs his red eyes.