THE CAFE WITH TAN IVY: THE BIKE AISLE AT TOYS R US

 

Barney: cheese naan? we ran out of pizza.

me: i am gobsmacked by the person in front of me, it's Valerie Stevenson!!!

Valerie Stevenson: hola.

Jen R: yeah i had to do something, you know? i'm always one to help out. she was hard on the streets and i needed a nanny.

Valerie: that little rugrat at of yours is a handful. a welcome needed warm handful. i'm her mommy now. we went to the bike aisle at Toys R Us.

Jen: there is nothing more magical than running around the bicycle aisle at Toys R Us with your eyes wide.

Valerie: in the '80s. 

Harper, Jen R's daughter, wearing Punky Brewster rag clothes: at Christmastime.

Jen: did you pick something out, Harp?

Harper: a Nike bike of course.

Jen: yeah. to go with those Nike dunks you wear as shoes.

Harper: the easier to pedal with, my dear. mother. i explore with the magic antenna on top of my head. picture Michael Jordan on a bike. an exercise bike with a Bulls jersey draped over the handlebars in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the NBA Finals at Madison Square Garden!!!

Jen: and i'm swimming in the grey Richie Rich fountain at Marvin Gardens in line for an onion dog.

me: Harper, you are your mother's daughter!!!

King Midas: my brother has the reverse-Midas touch, everything he touches turns to shit. he's William Shakespeare's brother Callum Shakespeare.

Callum Shakespeare: at least i created Garbage Pail Kids.

rolling rumbling thunder: the Earth burping.

bowling-alley chicken: this is where it starts...

Matt from Safeway: i would look good on stage with my hangdog eyes, salt-and-pepper hair, stocky build with the bad back, a real Falstaff.

Safeway: it's morning and the parking-lot lights are on...

Bjork: i do hurricanes now.

Silverchair: meanwhile back in Australia, a country that is still functioning and has sensible gun laws, we dance in a REAL ballroom...

Daniel Johns: Australia had a '90s rave scene, too...

Charles Nelson Reilly: wait, why wasn't i the voice of Donald Duck?...

Legends of the Hidden Temple contestant doing the Temple Run: come on, Kirk!!! i have to shout the password with the mouthguard in my mouth? it comes out all mumbled...

Olmec: speak up, kid!!! teenagers today. at least they're not adults...

King Charles: Henry VIII was a tosser.

Pope Bob: chili dog?

King Charles: oh my fucking god you speak English!!!

Pope Bob: but not British.

King Charles: let's get back together.

Pope Bob: will you marry me?

King Charles: imagine being separated from your soulmate for 500 years...

Pope Bob: all this because that fatty wanted a lucky 7th wife?

Donald Duck: why'd you run away to the Navy?

Baggs: i couldn't take it anymore, man.

Donald Duck: i gave you a home. i gave you duck nuggets. you drank Cold Duck every night.

Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone: the timeline screwed us. but i know there's still a chance for us.

the wife that never was: i'm sorry, all i can offer you now is bread...

x-ray table: a supine table the patient lies on as he's wheeled to the x-ray room...

Al Capone: walnut sauce.

Katie Roiphe: my name is pronounced ROI-fee, not rape...

Jen R: do you know why a woman has a daughter?

me: please let this include me.

Jen: so she has a piece of the failed relationship forever with her.

Harper: but what if the dad was a bad hombre?

Harper: yeah, but what if you get sick of me as your daughter? then you'll drop me, you wouldn't want a reminder!!!

Jen: perish the thought, daughter of mine, we're joined at the hip, we're one of those mother/daughters who are more like sisters.

Harper: think of me as your Dodger daughter, forever a buoy of the warm nostalgia of a wave of feeling.

Kurt Cobain eating a cheese naan: i'll never get over the Mariners never winning the World Series. but i don't have to anymore...