THE CAFE WITH TAN IVY: COUNTRY ELECTRONICA

 

Jen R: hey remember when you almost joined a band?

me: many times. in my head.

Jen: it was over at THIS place over here. remember? the cafe NEXT to Night Burger.

me: that takes me back!!!...

Jen: you met a cool shaggy skinny dude with a peach goatee, gold tuft of hair, in a greasy beige shirt dishing out tan cupcakes. 

me: oh yeah, Barney. whatever happened to him? he was keen. but i was scared of the world back then. still am. he was a talented bassist. well he SAID he was a talented bassist.

Jen: you went to the cafe straight from coming from The Wherehouse having just purchased the Enigma album The Screen Behind the Mirror.

me: remember when those Enigma songs were new? "The Gravity of Love." exciting times.

Jen: he said he was more country...

we enter and of course Barney is still there. sad really. 30 years later, no progress? no moving? he has a potbelly, his greasy beige shirt is now a greasy beige apron covering his belly like he's pregnant.

Barney: pregnant with sadness. but at least i have a job, you don't. YOU didn't move, either!!!

Jen: love the blond ponytail. it's a cool choice because most men with curly hair like that don't attempt it.

me: what was the name of the band that never was we were gonna form?

Barney: Journey.

Jen: taken.

Barney: no, Journey of Grief.

Jen: very country.

Barney: get off my ass, will ya lady? don't rub it in my face that you have a wife, my girlfriend lives over the bridge. do you want the tan cupcake with cheese or bacon? 

Jen: can it just be with sugar?

Barney: too much sugar acid.

Halloween: just another reminder that you don't have kids...

Cinderella Liberty.

me: i saw this VHS at Blockbuster and i knew it'd have Kramer vs. Kramer vibes...

Walt Disney: is this the period when we were working with Don Bluth?...

Marsha Mason: no i don't have a "pornstar face..."

Kurt Cobain: Seattle in the '70s. the Space Needle was the Space Eye. i had my Mr. Kotter fro. i played drums in the 5th Grade marching band...

James Caan: call me Billy Budd the Sailor Man, all pure and good. here's my good Navy buddy Jack Tripper.

Jack Tripper: we BOTH have tattoos on our butts that say The Love Butt.

Mark Christensen: sign's upside down, kid...

sailor: just taking my MarineLand lifebuoy i got at the gift shop.

any good movies?: The Godfather is too niche for a sequel...

slapping asses: it's okay, it's the Navy.

Maggie Paul: i'm too quick for you. i'm hitting the pool balls with my vagina. hustler, get it?

Baggs: i can do the masse. it's kinda cheating. look, upfront, i want a wife, my mother abandoned me, i had to live with Donald Duck. 

Jack Nicholson: mental patients need love, too.

Sunday-school basement: pool-shooters and donuts.

Maggie: we'll be fucking in the next room on a bed with a noisy spring while my kid does math problems with a pencil in this room, no problem. those sleeping pills are mine, not his, come on, man.

red veil over lamp: it's not a proper brothel without that red light.

Jen R: remember those '70s refrigerators with the giant rotor in the middle?

mulatto son: how did you expect me to react? you honestly thought i was gonna shake your hand?

nobody's welcome here: E: those who spend the night at a Japanese love hotel...

Baggs: um, riding a tiny rollercoaster with Marcia Brady is not fun.

two black youths on a Ferris wheel: we're drinking the very first 40...

Norman Lear: this Ferris wheel is my shows.

Baggs: here's a couple dollars, get the kid some McDonald's. 

Maggie: he likes Seattle fish.

Baggs: fine, get the kid a Seattle Filet-O-Fish. make sure he only drinks Pepsi. keep him in school, he's gonna cure cancer someday.

SP: Space Patrol.

Scorpio men: we have those curved penises that look like a scorpion's tail.

Baggs: can i stay in the kitchen? i wanna cook the hamburger meat.

Doug; not a switchblade, my pencil.

Vitamin E: your Vietnam deferment...

slam the door: missed.

Forshay: it's not For Gay, okay?

Eli Wallach: i'm handsome Joe Pesci.

Forshay: i threw that pansy kid in the ocean to teach him to swim. he didn't swim. he drowned. turned out his daddy was Ted Kennedy.

Baggs: John Wayne is a candyass, there i said it.

Doug: look at my red and green hair, man.

Baggs at the cineplex: well i want some candy. a Bob Marley Christmas movie, i got you.

Eli toting a duffel: want some priceless advice?

Stereo 101: we play Green River...

Navy Relief: peeing in the tub.

Maggie: don't mind me, just drinking some hot milk of magnesia.

basement Baptist: all Navy are Baptist because of the water thing. some went to Sunday school...

wrought-iron gate with the one-foot brick wall all around the house: that is so Bugs Bunny.

honey: you don't really say honey unless you're a gay man.

Honeyetta Eyvany: ...

Honeyetta Eyvany: cum on my plump Persian tits. don't worry, honey, i'm still on Instagram...

Lupin III: i stole the Louvre crown jewels, just another Sunday for me, i don't go to church. what? they were Napoleon's jewels, i grabbed them.

Napoleon: give me back my tiara!!!

Dirg: all these beautiful women on Instagram, men have given up trying to comment on their page, all that's left for them is their girlfriends!!!

shrine: it's not Satanic, it's Japanese...

Al Capone: spaghetti with walnut sauce. because this hard walnut shell can hide a metal file. no my last name don't mean chicken...

Boc: walk backwards. it's better than walking forwards. everyone in town will see you looking like a moron but still...

golf in prison: bank shots, not robbing banks.

Diana DeGarmo: Simon Cowell said our voices were bad.

Ace Young: Simon said we had Broadway voices.

Diana: joke's on him, we met on Hair, the greatest most magical musical of all time. our bad voices gave us an Aquarius love.

Jillie Mack: now THAT's what i call a shy retiring English girl getting herself a CATCH!!! i'm bloody Tom Selleck's wife!!! you know, the bloke with the mustache. i'm Magnum P.I.'s fucking wife!!! and once again Broadway blooms love. Cats may be for hacks but there's nothing more magical than falling in love at a play.

Ange Postecoglou: i'm shaking the hands of the Chelsea players because i want to be on their side, i'm just gonna stay over here on their sideline.

Trent Reznor: End... 

Elon Musk: turn signals on cars should automatically turn on. hey i'm trying.

Mardith: when a woman leaves Instagram, she doesn't come back...

Arsenal corner kicks: the Eagles tush-push.

Barney emerges from behind the glass to finally reveal to the world his bald legs.  

Jen R: you KEPT your nose ring from the '90s, i really do admire men like that.

Barney: quit hydroplaning my ass, lady.

me: wait were you wearing shorts when we met? i don't remember. anyway, look, you can have my keyboard. it's still in the attic, i wrote a Mickey Mouse jingle on it.

Jen: and the Dreamachine we stole back from Round Table Pizza.

Barney: what is this now? what are we doing now? '50s garage rock?

Jen: that's Scooby Doo music.

Barney: do you think this beige tray could be used to make pizzas?

man in a black trenchcoat shielding his eyes the next mini-table over: got anything for ocular migraine?

Barney: coffee?

man: try again, bud.

Barney licking his pencil and padding his pad: okay what do you two want? 

Jen: why the specials of course.

Barney: the afterschool specials that WEREN'T on ABC, remember? do you want your chow mein orange-chicken or chili-cheese?