WET EYES: DOT THE OLD MAID

 

Wet Eyes: you wanna know why i cry? i cry for YOU.

Dot from It's a Living: me?

Wet Eyes: yes YOU dear. 

Dot starts to cry, her eyes get redder faster than Wet Eyes's lifetime ocular project.

Dot: yeah you're right. my life has been a HORROR SHOW. do you know what it feels like to look around your workplace at your fellow high-end waitress friends who all smile back at you hitched with children? 

Jan: i can't shut up about Richie, all our situations with the kids are offscreened...

Dot: and i'm the ONLY one who's an old maid?!!! mind you in the '80s 30 was old. but still. a drop-dead gorgeous woman like me should NOT be an old maid, it's unfathomable. an old maid is the most depressing thing a woman can be.

Wet Eyes: i don't believe it. NOBODY wanted to marry you?!!! everybody just wanted to fuck you?

Dot: i get in a cycle, you know? like i can't remember the last time i had a third date...

Wet Eyes: i had a great time whenever i went to your skyhigh restaurant.

Dot: oh thanks. i think i remember you.

Wet: and i'm not talking about the food which was food with salad. the ambiance. i'm right there at UCLA summer theatre camp in the '80s, you know? the feeling of that, the warmth of possibility of a drama career. when people still cared about stage productions. i can hear Sonny at the piano now singing "Singing in the Rain" then getting up from his piano bench to show his legs as he motions the eating public to sing along with him doing Sound of Music standards and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" with his fingers.

Dot: i have the sinking feeling i'm linked with Sonny Mann...

Wet: and don't be so hard on Nancy Beebe.

Nancy Beebe: beneath my hard exterior is a woman DESPONDENT to find love. do you see how hard i work Howard EVERY FUCKING DAMN DAY scheming and conniving and cajoling that bald bastard to go on a first date with me?!!! I DON'T GIVE UP, MAN!!! nobody has ever seen me in my peignoir, not even mother. my speech pattern may be harsh English schoolmarm but i must elucidate my feelings clearly as if on stage to the man i shall betroth. i want a man like any woman, my gaudy nightgowns i wear to work be damned. i want fucking love. even a hardshell deserves love. you can only be a boss to women if you're a bitch.

Mr. Miyagi: i only use my karate chop in Miami...

Giant Rat: i'm here to collect all my babies, every rat in every rat trap in every attic. i mean i am justified in my bloodcurdling screams, you know?

Trent Reznor: imagine you're at an '80s mall-karate studio dancing to the Nine Inch Nails song "Ruiner" as sung in the style of Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical." 

Jane Fonda: shaking your leotard butt to "Ruiner" then turning around.

use your six-inch voice: when listening to Nine Inch Nails.

the AI bubble: it's artificial...

soulmate: someone who haunts.

me: i thought a soulmate was a good thing!!!

Jen R: a soulmate is not a good thing, a soulmate is not a bad thing, a soulmate is someone you have...

step outside: not to fight, to take that call.

Peter Piper: i'm Spider-Man...

Instagram: pure art, no dates...

gish gallop: when you were trying to justify the purchase of that Smashing Pumpkins Gish tape cassette.

Billy Corgan: to the clerk at Wherehouse.

dancing pumps: ugly as sin. no wonder Natalie Portman chose the pointe shoes...

Michael J. Fox: it was the Cobain powder-blue guitar, okay?!!! the timeline i'm interested in is my health timeline...

Selena Gomez: i'm crying because this could all go away tomorrow. did you know Justin Bieber wants to be king of Canada because he saw Justin Trudeau do it and he thinks it's a Justin thing?

Justin Bieber: no i was saying i'm against Trump and Katy Perry is bush-league...

OPACY: Macy's in Baltimore.

Jen R: no socks.

6 Kings Slam: the lost episode of Storybook International...

Breakthrough men's community: meaningful relationships, not porn.

chickenpox: so '80s.

hot pavement: not fun, no eggs, just humid beads on foreheads in Downtown Los Angeles while uncomfortably trying to check out a light-green library book in a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and laced with sweat. water armpit stains along a white uphill sidewalk miraging your bleary eyes. a small rotary fan on the dashboard of your Pinto.

Blue Jays: just tying up loose ends. Brewers on the brink.

Kurt Cobain: man this sucks.

Punky Brewster: ...

Pope Bob wearing a White Sox cap: i summoned the original white unicorn from the '80s Tom Cruise movie Legend. with my magic.

Fragile Prairie and Dutch Dawson are discussing something truly vital.

Fragile Prairie: they don't get us, man. we're doing important things here. we're catching the ghost!!!

Dutch Dawson: yeah, it's not just about dancing in church while hymning gibberish. talking in tongues, the same tongue you used at prom. all dance is because the spirit is in you. i'm gonna do magic for a living.

Fragile: it's about making sure Casper stays good in these harsh times, he's the only good in this bad who can save us!!! who hasn't completely turned hopeless from doomscrolling.

Ghostwriter: i already got depressed from these times. but i'm a writer, so.

Dutch: only the two of us can see him.

Ghostwriter: i'm a her.

Casper: if i start catching feelings we're all doomed.

Dot: it is a crime of love that i'm still single. i mean look at me!!! look at my face!!! look at my tits!!! look at my butt!!! plus i'm an actor so i'm fun to be around. i'm zany to be with, i go on adventures.

Wet Eyes: i've always said, i don't care if the woman is butt-ugly, if she's zany she can be an actress. wanna join me? i mean join my family. me and the boy. we need a woman. to guide us. my boy is a lot of work, i need to tag-team a partner to put my feet up in Acapulco on odd days. life is about relaxing.

Wet Eyes goes to hug Dot and the two cry different together. the embrace lasts until 6PM.

Dot, crying: you'd do that for me? let me have my second family? after all my years of pain and anguish and uncertain doubt and despairing directionlessness, i fit into your mess just like that?

Wet: sure. why not. you only live once. no time like the present.

Dot: okay but where's your wife?

Wet Eyes: the boy and i don't like to talk about the mother. she made us crazy.