WET EYES: MY BOY

 

Wet Eyes: my greatest fear is leaving my boy all alone to fend for himself. i hope he makes at least one friend to make life bearable when i'm gone.

dad: is this a segue into your cowboy cigarettes yarn?

JUST THEN Richard Dawson, whom nobody had suspected or noticed, pops his English head from the surface of the crowd in a circle. 

Dickie Dawson: don't worry. Wet Eyes and i go way back, we did that episode of Gunsmoke together, remember? that was the one that broke the record. this is MY boy.

in a genuine Hollywood display the double-doors fling open and THERE is Richard Dawson's son: all decked out in a velvet blazer and newsboy cap.

Richard: see? my boy has it as bad as yours, they could be the best of friends. look at my son, he looks like he just stepped off the set of A Clockwork Orange, the only reason he doesn't get bullied at school by the other kids, teachers, nurses, and principal is they know he's my son!!!

Christopher Columbus: do kids still get my day off school?...

Nightmares (1983).

other driver: it's a bitch finding parking in Los Angeles so i drove my truck underground. it's free parking but the grass clumps still get in the exhaust pipe.

upside-down crucifix: i'm just resting.

Father Frank: i just got crushed in a car wreck. just as well. what was i gonna do post-priest? be a Macy's mechanical man?

Father Frank: why am i struggling so hard to survive? i have nothing to live for now that i don't believe in anything. you think i'm making this up?

highway cop: no sir, but you do believe in God, so. now if you started talking about the Xenomorph, that is science.

Lourdes: that wasn't Mary, that was an older French woman looking for a good time.

wind: there have never been ghosts...

Trinity the cat: this is why i'm so colicky. as you can plainly see, i was a big star before i met you...

father: his wife's expecting? the paternity test proved i wasn't the father so i expect him in office bright and early tomorrow morning at 6.

daughter: mommy, what's high-fructose corn syrup?

mom: the beef tallow of sugar.

father: i have one of those smug '80s mustaches. we remain rich in this family because we don't hire rat-droppings shysters. i'll get rid of the rat. if that doesn't work i'll have my good friend Michael Jackson come over to the house to see what he can do.

Michael Jackson: i'll get rid of the rodent. Frank DiLeo, right?...

daughter: i have a crush on Billy Noble at school. Noble is his middle name, last name Corgan. mommy, why is it that despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage?

Veronica Cartwright: no sex tonight, Steven. refer to my Oscar-winning performance in The Witches of Eastwick...

Veronica: your words are sledgehammers. 

Richard Masur: doers like Peter Gabriel.

Rosie the cat: NOW you'd rather have me here and pregnant, huh.

plunger: drain the cleanout. plug the stopgap with a rubber cap.

Choosey: best name for a rat doll, very Richard Scarry.

Cindy Brady: i'll protect you.

exterminator: see for me rats are like Fraggles.

Jen R: those '80s stationwagons with the back flat-down like a droopy frown. the Spielberg Jackrabbit Car was cooler.

Jen: oh damn!!! look at that LARGE television set that 6-year-old girl has in her room!!!

Keefer: no, Germany in the 1600s, relax. this rodent devil eats assholes like your husband.

Giant Rat: did you know the song "Louie Louie" birthed Nirvana? 

lithium-ion battery: more destructive than a rifle.

Giant Rat: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR KID TO CHUCK E. CHEESE!!! don't worry, i'm not really here, i'm a Star Wars hologram.

Bridgette Andersen: daddy, where is the big mama rat off to now?

dad: where you are, where there are no roads...

technician: we ain't plumbers, man.

Cell from Dragon Ball Z: what's your cell number?...

Mr. Miyagi: i only use my karate chop to tenderize my pork chop.

Marilou Aussilloux: don't just look at my Australian ass.

Ana Barbara: i live in Santa Barbara. i like Hanna-Barbera cartoons more than my boy. put 50 on rent at the Atlantic City tables, where the buffet is only garlic knots...

a date at 6PM: that's just weird.

Perry Mason: now you know, why i had all the answers, i was a Freemason...

mucus buildup in the nose: your nose is runny, it's running towards winter.

cryptids: unlike crypto, we're cool.

Humphrey Bogart: i was sexy even as an old man. as an old man i looked like Desi Arnaz...

Jodie Foster hosting SNL at age 14 in the '70s: this is my monologue. don't look at my pants, i just had the first-ever Orange Julius...

Coldwell: we're not a cold bank.

Bruce Springsteen: when i was a boy there was a hole in my room. a hole in my bedroom floor. needless to say when the other kids came over to play i played The Floor Is Lava different and scared them...

dogs: the only way we kiss is with tongue...

downtown arcade cabinets: all lined up, all in a row, grimy, dirty, filthy, dusty light.

Elaine Joyce: i was continuously on cocaine.

New York Times excerpts: because nobody can be bothered to read a memoir these days...

Carole King: with my daughter and everything, i should be on Family Guy in cartoon form each week...

Wet Eyes's boy: that Jodie Foster thing just now.

Richard Dawson's boy: right.

Wet Eyes's boy: i feel i'm right there with Jodie Foster drinking that same Orange Julius in 1976, you see how my brain thinks?

Richard Dawson's boy: i feel the same way. er i think the same way. imagine the same way, experience the same way. see the same way.

the two boys shake hands like old chaps.

Wet Eyes's boy: Fragile Prairie.

Richard Dawson's boy: Dutch, nice to meet you.

Fragile Prairie: wanna go back to my house, flip through the first-ever Thrasher magazine, smoke the first-ever legal marijuana, and pile quarters into totem poles? my dad the actor's never home, he's away more than a door-to-door vacuum and/or encyclopedia salesman.

Dutch Dawson: my father's a strange one, when he drives me home back from private tennis lessons, he keeps telling me to viddy this and viddy that, as if i have any idea what the fuck that means. it's bad enough being the chubby boy, you know? it's like come on, dad, get off my back unless you got some real film knowledge.