VALERIE STEVENSON: A SINGER'S PATH

 

Valerie Stevenson: this is MY time. you see me? you see me as i am right now in the early 1980s? with my spiked choker, spiked bracelets, spiked jacket, and spiked hair!!! and plum eyeshadow. i'm not trying to be Jem, i'm trying to be ME. you see how this works? i have a dream to be a famous singer and nothing's gonna stop me. all i have is this time NOW to do it. i can't help what decade i was born into, what genre i'm labeled. i can only sing the songs that are in my heart, my own original songs, not any fucking covers!!! i need the world to see me for me, that can only happen if they hear me for me. i'm not thinking in the back of my mind that Madonna's gonna get there first before me, i can't think like that...

Valerie Stevenson: i can only follow my own path...

Jen R: yeah i feel you, girl. so what kind of songs are spilling out of your soul?

Valerie: they bubble from my gut at night. 

Jen: are you sure that's not gas?

Valerie: like, very SAD songs, songs of LONGING, songs which speak without words to the feeling of having lost something irretrievable in a very purple nostalgic way...

Valerie Stevenson: i'm like a Vaporwave punk...

me: i need a family. but lust is my problem...

Jen: put down the porn and pick up a program.

Mark Sanchez: the Butt Fumble. you guys couldn't let it go. it was just a stupid funny thing. but you made it so it would eventually drive me to lose the tethers of my sanity.

Terry Bradshaw: the football is a tethered ball. maybe if you had completed that drive...

The Dead Zone.

Christopher Walken: what is USA Network?

Brooke Adams: where i'm married to a Monk...

Stephen King: see in my book Johnny couldn't see the future, he was just brain-dead.........it was a sadder story...

Castle Rock, Maine: where Seinfeld lives.

Christopher Walken: wait i look like a DORK in this.

Jen R: can you imagine having Christopher Walken as your high-school English teacher the week of Halloween? smiling that creepy smile of his in your direction, getting you all hot and bothered.

Christopher Walken: *in Christopher Walken voice* i'm okay. just hot flashes. i get flustered.

dad: on a teacher's salary, all you can afford is a VW Bug. 

truck driver: you okay? oh shit, fuck this, i'm just gonna leave the scene.

Sarah Bracknell: where is intensive care?

nurse: is this a New England hospital? upstairs.

doctor: hello, John. you're alive but your life sucks. it's the year 3000 and everyone's gone. your wife married JFK who lived.

Christopher: excuse me, i'd like to listen to Pearl Jam "Black" alone in my hospital room please.

nurse: i know this is a sanctuary but does a hospital room really need a wood model ship?...

Jen: UNLIKE this, your telephone call to me WAS meant to be...

Christopher: you look like Karen Allen.

Sarah: you'd like my husband.

Christopher: yeah i seriously doubt that. your kid should have been MY kid!!!

David Cronenberg: you like my quick cuts?...

Nicholas Campbell: the only way i could be a cooler Canadian actor is if i did anime voices...

Christmas tree: not everything has to be Minority Report, man.

psychics: we are blessed by God, we were never meant to have personal lives...

Christopher Walken: *in Christopher Walken voice* i don't know.

Christopher: wanna go to Denny's? sorry i'm nervous. look, i can't fuck without the cane.

Sarah: this is gonna be lovemaking, not fucking.

Christopher: wait, so you're getting a divorce?

Sarah: no, this is a one-time Christmas gift for you. playing house with another man's kid for a day. to give you a taste of what your second family should have been. i'm the only woman who would do this!!!

dad: making bookshelves, like i did with mom with I Ching...

Nicholas Campbell: it's me, isn't it. you can't hide my distinctive voice.

Da Vinci: the culprit is me...

Hans & Franz: maybe if your benchpress wasn't so puny, puny man!!!

Christopher Walken: the bullet, the tinnitus, not good for my headaches.

doctor: you are doing better, look at all this fan mail!!!

Christopher: it's not fan mail. i can't burn it because i don't want another burning house...

William Shakespeare: the board game is the bard game which is still Uncle Wiggily.

across: your new favorite word.

kiss-clash: no it's not two bespectacled lesbians trying to kiss at the Portland Bratmobile show, it's two The Clash fans regardless of sexual orientation debating in Portland the merits of the band Kiss.

Ani DiFranco at the Portland show at the mic before her set: i mean how is SNL not gonna get canceled?...

goofs on a TV show: it's just the boom mic.

Chef Jose Andres: does anyone else have THIS SPECIFIC WHITE BEARD? that looks like i rubbed toothpaste across the lower half of my face.

SimpliSafe: it's not quite Minority Report.........yet...

Jen R: if you're a married couple and you don't kiss in public, if all you do is hug in public, that is NOT a good sign for the marriage lasting...

Kit Kat: the afternoon chocolate.

Rebecca Lowe: gambling problem? call me, my soothing British voice will ease your suffering and let you place that pound down away from the window.

Rebecca Lowe: i have to do these DraftKings adverts you see. soccer shouldn't be about bets, it should be about balls. the soccer bosses are all uptight British men who weren't allowed to watch Monty Python as lads.

human in a hangar with ONE of the Wright Brothers in an old-timey tan photograph up on the hangar wall: humans were meant to fly? then where are our wings?...

Premier League: now THAT is a moment of silence...

me: every dentist reminds me of you.

Jen R: Imzadi...

The Rock: you see? i get the Oscar for out-Mickey Rourke-ing Mickey Rourke in the wrestler thing, that gives me the gravitas to finally run for President...

chimichurri: it's good but your butthole will be sore for days.

Valerie Stevenson: no matter who or what is in front of me, i can't give up on my dream. 

Jen R: they're not in line, they're blocking you.

Valerie: i have to keep singing my songs, in dives, bars, and strip joints. 

Jen: you will touch people there. with your music.

Valerie: i have to keep renting out studio space in the Hacienda Hills.

Jen: yes, La Cienega is the place to disappear. 

Valerie: they say all the songs are already in the ether fully-formed, a singer simply has to PLUCK them out of the sky.

Jen: yes. but EVENTUALLY, you know, EVENTUALLY, you kinda have to get discovered. get noticed. you kinda have to get onto a TV show or be in a band or something. Dick Clark has to read your name off a sheet of paper he was slipped on-air. look, i'll tell you what i'm gonna do for you. i like you, kid, you have spunk. i might have John Stamos's phone number. i went to a party last week and he was there, i think. it was one of those mansion parties with, like, 10,000 people all out on the front lawn.  

Valerie: you have John Stamos's number?!!!

Jen: i have no idea. but if i did, it'd be in THAT cardboard box over there...