STARTER MARRIAGE: DOT THE CONTENT

Dot from It's a Living: so we're doing this, huh. it's come to this?

Sonny Mann: yeah. well, we were the last two left, we had to.

Dot: i have to say, you have CHANGED since i became your ball-and-chain.

Sonny: i love the '80s, we can still say stuff like that. did you know one of the ultra-feminists was my actual real former wife?...

Dot: i warn you, i can be a little spacey. i sleep around not because i'm a slut but because i like to have a good time, you know? explore other people. i'm fanciful and free. i have a smile on my face from being happy.

Sonny: i'm a man but i'm trying!!!

Dot: wow, that is an amazing change.

boys: i hate that word as much as i hate cringe, cuck, manlet, and peak.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

George Costanza: i'm sorry the answer is Moops...

Mr. Kotter: is this gonna interfere with your studies, Barbarino?

Kirk St. Moritz: believe it or not, life was once this innocent.

John Travolta: i'm a genuine motherfucker, mom.

Diana Hyland: we'll discuss this later, son...

Vin Scully: you're pregnant. 

Diana: how? he's gay.

Vin Scully: hey where's the Brady Bunch House? i have a date with Alice.

Diana: hey doc, can you cure my breast cancer?...

Smokey the Bear: i'm paying for this log cabin.

Jen R: '70s ambulances were groovy red stationwagons!!!

girl: i'm a monster.

boy: yeah you are for treating me like dirt in high school.

Robert Reed, champagne in bed: honey, let's just fuck with condoms, there's no room in the house for another bubble.

'70s Disaster Movie of the Week music...

teddy bears: why did we have buttons for eyes? seems like a bad idea.

Gina Little: i am NOTHING like this demon-girl Gina.

dad: yeah the orange-and-yellow Sunny Delight chaise longue and circle chair at our Gilmore St. Van Nuys home came DIRECTLY from this TV-movie!!! the foreman at Talbots Furniture was RAVING about this special, it inspired me to get that patio set for the house.

John: but what's with the A Clockwork Orange hat?

doctor: i drove all the way over here because i want to show you this chess move.

John: may i be excused?.........nevermind...

Diana Hyland: i like you in the short shorts, John.

Jen: every '70s teenage boy had binoculars to look into the bedroom of his blossoming girl-next-door neighbor...

Mr. Maldark: welcome to Van Nuys High School, where YOU should have gone...

Mr. Maldark: is there anything you want to say to your homeroom class before we begin?

Tod: yeah, up your nose with a rubber hose.

Tod: i can chew gum in class. suckers!!!

mouse: i don't want any of this. i hate disco and i don't want to drop acid.

Mr. Brady: is there a plug in the beach? we need an outlet in the sand. can you help me move him, friend? i trust you because you're wearing no shirt and bellbottom jeans.

John: oh my god it's Speed Buggy!!! also a girl on a horse at the beach. hey girl, horses are banned at the beach.

Joe Pera: don't be a 2-dollar whore, Gina, fireworks are sacred. especially during the Bicentennial.

John: GET ME OUT OF THESE YELLOW SHORT SHORTS!!!

Roy Slater: hi, i'm a freak like you. think of me as the real Ryan White...

Roy: they discovered my tumor on my prom night. of all the luck. 

Jen: in the '70s it was all about that action.

Roy: i want hooker germs, Travolta.

Buzz Aldrin: i walked on the moon. now son, this is very important, the internet must NOT be allowed to be invented...

John: hey Buzz, did you discover anything up there on the moon that could help my condition?

Buzz: no. we mostly golfed.

John: you know what i like about you, Gina? that pea-green shirt of the band Rush you wear.

Gina: would you like to take a shower with me?

John: i can't take showers.

John: hey teach, can i take the pop quiz while brushing my teeth?

artists: we were all D students.

tutor: has there ever been a platonic non-sexual tutor?...

dad: we didn't have to bring you into this world, son. but your mother and i really needed to fuck that one time.

John Travolta: mom, dad, i love you. dad, i want you to maintain that perm on your head with a little Grecian Formula. mom, speaking of Greece, i want you to do a Shirley Valentine.

Jen R and i are in my childhood bed.

Jen R: that's Jen Rados...

me: where the fuck have you been all this time?!!!

Jen: i'm back. it took this long because i was getting a divorce so i could be with you.

me: best answer ever.

me: i'm telling you, this will close the circle of my journey from boy to man, if we cum in THIS bed, it's the Circle of Life.

Jen R and i make love for four hours the both of us naked. she rides me quietly with her eyes closed, i hang onto her beautiful small tits as handles, her skinny butt my caboose. 

me: this POV is nice. you have the ethereal beauty of Karen Allen from Starman.

Jen: Starman is Rain Man with more purple warm nostalgia.

i don't know when the moment happens, but i open my eyes and we're both covered in semen.

Jen: this is when you order that new chicken sandwich from Denny's.

Fulham: you happen to be a soccer fan but you don't hang out in lavatories...

Uther-Pendragon at the BoyleSports in Pontefract: i'm just here for the online bingo.

'80s Britcoms: you love them. but they make you lonely.

Gandhi with long flowing beard: i know i'm a holy man but i want nothing to do with semen retention.

Nirvana the band: holding onto that plateau. 

Kurt Cobain: Coitus Reservatus would have been Nirvana's 4th album.

Gandhi: ask the missus about karezza.

Alice Bunker Stockham: i wasn't always an old woman...

Jen R: remember in the '80s with the chain-lock on the door? you'd see who it was then SLAM the door. because you had to undo the chain-lock to open the door to welcome the person in.

me: by then the person had left because you slammed the door in his face!!!

batting 7th for the Jays wearing a nice Canadian outdoors woodsy mustache, Wheels from Degrassi!!!

Kurt Cobain comes out to the pitcher's mound and plays "The Star-Spangled Banner" on his powder-blue electric guitar.

Trey: yes i'm savage.

Friday night: soccer players really don't want to be out here on a Friday night playing a soccer match...

George Harrison: i'm not Twiggy.

World Series vampire: the umpire at the World Series during Halloween week...

Dot: you know just because this is the first marriage for both of us and we were both north of 40 doesn't mean it won't last. it doesn't mean it's automatically gonna be a "starter marriage." people get married for the marriage to last forever, bub.

Sonny: my thoughts exactly. you were the only woman who thought my jazz numbers were okay, and you HATE having to walk across hotel lobbies!!! they remind you of having to go to work everyday, of everyday waitress tawdriness.

Dot: i'm better than your mom.

Sonny: but can you do something for me, dollface? don't give up your acting, you need to live your light.

Dot: if you're an actress you're either gonna be a real-estate agent or a life coach. *internal sigh* but i'll give it one more go. i'll try to get in on the burgeoning '80s Lifetime Movie racket early so i'm respected like Meredith Baxter-Birney, not a joke like Lacey Chabert.