THE CAFE WITH TAN IVY: READING PARTY

 

Jen R: A CAFE IS BORING!!! there's nothing to do here.

me: i mean, eat.

Jen: no, dude, you gotta READ if you're gonna make a contribution to society.

Barney: as in contribution, not money...

me: you're not affected by the low din?

Jen: i prefer a low den.

Jen: you know those reading parties that are popping up everywhere?

Barney: mostly at Starbucks.

Jen: i don't get them tho, like here it's such a QUIET SPACE. people are reading their books in silence, it's meant to be a PARTY!!!

Barney: loud? i can't hear out of my right ear. that bass was too loud as a kid.

Jen: switch your nose ring, convert it into an earring, that's back in style. as long as it's ONE RING for the man.

Jen has an idea. she gathers her fellow female bookeaters and implores them to SHAKE THEIR BOOTY as they turn a page.

Jen: hey you got any music in this dump?

Barney: just Spin Doctors.

Dan Green: i could only be a big fish in a small pond...

Cinderella Liberty.

Baggs: you know it's okay that Jack Tripper couldn't fight that GIANT SAILOR in the "Jack the Giant Killer" episode, violence solves nothing. i would have beat him up but i'm a man.

Jack Tripper: the chicken sandwiches at the Regal Beagle are dry.

Peter Palmer: LOOK AT ME, of course i had 7 kids!!!

Spalding Gray: metal plate in the head from Vietnam, yeah i got my metal plate in Cambodia. i really shouldn't be near water like this...

Baggs polishing his bike: you ever been to Bikes R Us?

Maggie: i only do lesbian when i have to.

Baggs: i'll take the boy one day.

social worker who is Nurse Ratched as a civilian: we don't care that you're a whore, we're just here to see if the check actually made it to the bank...

BOMBSHELL PREGNANCY!!!

Maggie, blubbering as she cries: the only sailor i ever loved was Popeye because his cock was green!!!

Donald Trump: yeah in Atlantic City we'd go under the Boardwalk planks hoping the girls weren't wearing any panties.

strip-show barker: P.T. Barnum never told us about this...

Angela Pussy: come on, i'm a mom.

Eli Wallach: i've never been in love.........what's the point of the armed forces again?...

Baggs: i know we're poor and everything but can we get ONE LIGHT in this room?

Doug: i wanted to be named Huey, Huey's a cool name. instead i was named after Tiger Woods.

Jen R: the '70s was the last decade where you could get good money from a pawn shop.

Sanford & Son: ...

Baggs to loan shark: how much you give me for these two jars of Old Spice shaving cream with the walrus brush?

Doug: my unfixed teeth are gangsta.

Maggie: i want the Mario Bros. game from the PX, sailor man. i want that cartridge stored in my tits.

Maggie on the bus: why does my KFC always have a feather?

James Caan: i'm in love with a prostitute. that's it. don't make me feel good but i am.

Jen: hey that's a cool trickl!!! hang onto the outside back of a bus, you never have to pay bus fare again!!!

Doug: my teeth bleed when i brush my teeth.........because i never brush my teeth...

Avo Babian: i'll do the kid's teeth for free. contrary to many popular YouTube videos, you can't actually perform a self-root canal in your bathroom.

baby: hey watch the feet, man, thanks a lot, now my feet are all full of ink!!!

Dirg: when a ho says she loves you.........oh sorry, time and place.

Baggs: um, can i get out of this silly navy-blue sailor suit now? i feel like a toy at FAO Schwarz. i haven't worn a suit and tie all movie!!! i'm gonna wear this Rollerball uniform, it's very retrofuturism.

Baggs: i really hate every time i have to slide open Maggie's bedroom door...

James Caan: see? i should have been Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

unconditional love: more of this please. to a kinder world.

Snickers: the Halloween candy.

unc: a chop professor at UNC.

Mr. Miyagi: ...

Gene Rayburn: i'm not the star of Match Game, merely its host...

green card in soccer: when you display good sportsmanship in the sin bin.

anime creators: we're all big into rock n roll.

curlew: it's past your curfew...

smile: not the Amazon smile, the McDonald's smile...

The Price Is Rice: that time Bob Barker had to go on a diplomacy tour to China because all our leaders were failing us...

Ann Voskamp: Canadian blogger, not Christian blogger...

airport divorce: gotta leave room for running all the way down the blue airport carpet JUST catching her before she boards the plane for Seattle.

Jen R: most people aren't in a rush. you know? they're not in the same rush you're in because they're younger...

house sauce: can be hoisin sauce.

Natalie Portman with her comet-gazing telescope: Black Swan wasn't a lemon, that ending was glorious!!! he had an accent...

migraine: yeah i don't care about this stupid Monopoly game you're winning.

Lipschitz: i am so sorry.

Mr. Holland: you know your high-school band class is cool when the teacher plays an electric guitar in that small room.

Jen has the whole joint jumping up and down as they lick their fingers reading a hardbound book with a real spine.

Jen R: grimoires don't count, ladies. we're reading the new Bridgerton this week!!! hey got any Bridgerton music?

Barney: i could play this Downton Abbey cassette i got in the mail from PBS LOUD?...

through the glass Jen motions for me to come outside.

me: i don't like being outside a cafe.

Jen: it's dangerous. but LOOK!!! on the ground next to the sidewalk spilling sewage.

me: omg, is that.........dad's chewed pen?!!!

Jen: yep. one of his old ones. last ones. chewed up good by his own teeth. a blue Bic.

me: that's a black Bic in moonlight. this is a TREASURE i'll never be able to repay you for.

Jen: oh i'll think of something. 

me: dad? enter my dreams. not for writing ideas, for answers.

Jen: this is like WAY MORE VALUABLE than a lucky penny. this could actually help you write again.