THE UNIVERSE'S DIRTY MIRROR: THE WILL TO LIVE

 

an electric guitar appears across the face of the Mirror.

Jeff Baena: you see how wrong this is? why didn't the Universe help me?

Kurt Cobain: you were seduced by my music. by my fuzzy chords of decay. but it wasn't your fault, i composed some heavy dank songs!!!

Jen R: we gotta do something about this.

me: but what?

Jen: call one of your wives.

me: i wish.

Jen calls Melissa Maker from the motel phone.

Melissa Maker: i know what i have to do.

Melissa Maker uses some vinegar and wipes the Mirror in an S pattern.

Melissa: S not for Salesian, for Silurian...

Jeff Baena: i'm suddenly feeling a lot better.

Kurt: are you seeing the color blue again?

Jeff: what happened?

Jen: she cleaned the Mirror. it now projects hope onto a lost soul of its own accord.

Melissa: regardless of you having a bad day.

Ernest Hemingway: not merit-based...

Mirror: you'd think i'd have a large storehouse of star magic like that to spread around, you know? 

Jeff: how do i know it's working?

Jen: because you just went through this experience...

Kurt: it's good to talk. to say something else.

support Blue: not police, Democrats...

Raul De Molina: Robert De Niro, get it?...

Chrissy Snow: i sleepwalk because i had a stressful childhood growing up the minister's daughter. i had to be the best in school. i couldn't be dumb...

Bran: yes it's the name of a strange man but everybody needs cereal to live out their potential.

DJ in Atlanta: a semi-retired dentist just means you can eat a bag of candy before your Halloween Day root canal.

NY Yankees fans: we all have pornstaches...

broken bat: the difference between winning the World Series and being Charlie Sheen.

Churu: for cats who roam the Taj Mahal.

pizza: tomato tart.

Jaleel White: when you're a gameshow host everything in life is a pun on your game show's name...

the last person you trust: as in, the only person you trust.

Obama: Yes on Prop 50.

Jane Goodall: our wild planet.........not those Wild Planet rubbery-chicken microwave TV dinners...

me: EVERYTHING, every TV commercial, TV show, food, song, magic trick, animal, pantomime, and school test, every gum-wrapper comic, every toy, reminds me of you, i see life through YOUR mirror.

Jen R: maybe if i was more of a Melissa Maker-style lifecaster...

Jen: these are all building blocks, you know. neon building blocks which form the bridge to the dreamworld where i'm waiting for you to play that board game in my soft mauve sweater...

me: can we cuddle?

Jen: let's cuddle WHILE we're sliding the gamepiece across the board...

Nintendo: our last hit was the Game Boy...

forgotten password: that could have been a marriage. a marriage that will never be because of a forgotten password...

PG&E: you're calling about a power outage? no you didn't pay your power bill, yeah, it's the same phone number...

Courteney Cox: can i play me in The Bear Springsteen movie?...

Our First For Kurt!!!: The Seattle Mariners.

Kurt Cobain: in the postseason every pitch YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH...

the Mirror is showing a pair of clasped hands.

at America's Test Kitchen.

Sam Block is holding Bridget Lancaster's hands TIGHT.

Sam Block: i've never told you this, Bridget, but i cherish you DEARLY. when i was the new kid on the block you took me under your wing and guided me through the perils of television cooking. you made me feel accepted, a blonde with a purpose, not a freak. you didn't laugh at my weird recipe for avocado french fries.

Bridget Lancaster: new kid on the Sam block, get it? sandlot. well my wing ain't as fat and feathered as it used to be.

Sam: but that's the thing, dear, there's not LESS of you to love now that you've lost 100 pounds, there's a more HEALTHIER YOU to bathe in the radiance of!!!

Bridget: i mean it was more like 15 pounds, doctor told me to shave a little off the sides, you know, like a cheese wedge, just to protect the heart and keep me from becoming a full totem of cholesterol. now i have the shape of a chess piece. that's the problem with being a cook, you eat all the food!!!

Sam quickly makes love to her friend. she powders the table underneath Bridget's new light body with flour then she sucks Bridget's new skinny tits and rubs her new licorice butt around like a bowlful of jelly. she plants the most tender kisses on Bridget's plumper lips, 12 in all for the 12 days of a long snowy Christmas.  

Sam: your lips taste like food.

Sam sucks Bridget's vagina dry of milk under her apron. Bridget's milk waterfalls across Sam's milky face. 

Sam: there's still a dam down there!!!

Bridget: impressive, you did all that without removing your glasses!!!

it's still cloudy.