MONK MAFIA: SOGGY NAPKINS

 

in the middle of the trip from Japan to Cali our speedboat capsizes.

Jen R: smooth move, ex-lax.

Peewit: please, that makes me think of my ex.........Johan.

me: feel ya.

Jen: we're all wet, both meanings.

Peewit: it's okay, we'll just have to toss the Santa bag overboard, lose all the goodies in the ocean, and the bag will act as our flotation device until help arrives.

Jen: i mean you could have NOT inverted the Santa bag and lost everything...

Peewit: of all the items we just lost, there was one that really makes me cry.

Jen R: before our latest misadventure i went back to your candy shoppe, Peewit. it doesn't just have candy, it has produce. i bought Brussels sprouts STILL ON THE STALK!!! fascinating that. have you seen these things? 30 Brussels sprout balls, 10 to a row, 3 rows, like a raft of jingle bells.

Peewit: that raft is a SUPER STALK, it's GIANT like the giant who inhabits the land of the clouds above the beanstalk. 

Jen: the Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum giant? what's his name anyway?

Peewit: i called him Fum because he was foaming at the mouth. 

Jen: it's Jack and the Beanstalk up in this bitch up in the clouds. Hot Navy Bean is the soup of the day over at Safeway, soup season is year-round.

Peewit: the giant held sidekick seminars up in the clouds, that's where i met him. 

Fum: you were a shit squire, giants like me are the best sidekicks.

Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters: i want to make a call using King Yemma's phone.

Peter Venkman: i'm not a bad guy, i dated Velma. we had a lot in common: the ghosts thing.

Velma: except all my ghosts were bad men.

me at the Treehouse: i'm eating my Snickers bar but i don't remember eating it, it's the strangest thing.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: i'm not the Chupacabra.

Mark Gastineau at Times Square Church: when i dance at church i'm not filled with the Holy Spirit, i'm filled with greenies.

Greeny at ESPN wearing a green New York Jets beanie: i eat at Green Burrito. my wife won't let me eat at Carl's Jr.

Mark Gastineau: i'm the real-life Gaston.

Pastor Lorne Michaels: this is a real church, an actual church, not a Broadway stage.

the Lucky Charms mascot: for some reason you thought the green of the New York Jets was light green...

Mark Gastineau: i fell in love with my fellow giant Brigitte Nielsen. she was in Pippi Longstocking, right? i only saw her in Red Sonja.

Brigitte Nielsen: i am HUGE on Instagram.

Mark Gastineau: let me cold-cock you in the cock and we'll call it even, Brett Favre. 

Brett Favre: you went to church for this? when a quarterback gets sacked, why can't he just stay on the ground for the rest of the game and take a nap?

Julie Patzwald in DBZ Other World: i mean shouldn't i be in ALL the Hellboy movies? i was Hellboy's daughter in that Outer Limits.

The Flintstones Christmas episode.

Dino: you never noticed those Playboy posters of naked female dinosaurs on the wall above my bed...

Wilma: Playrock.

man with pencil mustache: wait, am i the YEEEEEEEEEESSS Guy? why are you so popular?

Fred as Santa: i'm more famous than The Beatles. Jesus hasn't been born yet.

Fred: how do all the presents get delivered to all the girls and boys all over the world in one night?

Twinky the elf: we DO take coffee breaks. yeah my name is Twinky, got a problem with that?

The Sphinx: Egypt doesn't really celebrate Christmas, it has me, i'm cooler. a shower of Christmas presents falling on the Great Pyramids is a cool visual tho.

Gerry Johnson: back in the day a cartoon like The Flintstones was drawn by only 4 animators...

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

John Hughes: you never thought it'd start with a Robert Crumb Santa.

Seth Green: why am i on Santa's List?

Lindsey Buckingham: am i singing this intro Christmas song?...

Clark Griswold: so we're just gonna ignore that our two kids are different now?

mom: i had that exact same Ford Taurus stationwagon in the '80s!!!

Clark: we're cutting down a wild Christmas tree the Joe Pera way. 

Clark to Ellen Griswold: i didn't marry you because you're hot and you look like Beverly D'Angelo, i married you because you call me Sparky in bed.

Jacques Pepin: hard sauce is what happened to me one night in Monaco with your mother.

Gloria Pepin: Jacques has an offset spatula down there.

Claudine Pepin: Peyronie's Disease?

Gloria: thank god Claudine was still born.

Jacques: Peyronie was a Frenchman.

Paul: i leave my GIANT National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation-size Christmas display on my house with all the Tron lightshows and neon inflatable Grinch balloon statues ON during a lightning storm. it's a power thing.

Lucio: can i help you with that tri-color beam of light?

PG&E: this is where we earn the big bucks, we'll have this power outage licked in one hour...

PG&E: you have one of those phones that somehow works during a power outage, right?

Gunther: i do.

Jackie Fitzgerald: the power outage made our lovemaking the SUMPTUOUSER.

PG&E: the power outage occurred on a Saturday so you still have to go to school on Monday...

Julie Patzwald: the gothest goth-band name of all: When Your Friends Leave.

Claudine Pepin: Papa, why did you name me after your boring friend?

Falkor: i like em burly.

PG&E: why is everybody complaining? it's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE your power came back on an hour before we said it would. we blocked our complaints inbox, it just got to be too much.

Lindy Lenz: when my roof collapsed, so did our chances at a relationship.

A Hatful of Reactions: if i reviewed every single 1990s Outer Limits episode from beginning to end on YouTube, that would be your experience of having had a son.

Capp: i'm 200 years old, but i'm not a Titan. i've gone through the grind of 200 years of tired giving-up.

me in a scarf and sweater with a book in each hand by the digital fire: i'm reading Buzzbugs and Sarum until the Wi-Fi settles...

Jen R: that's cool that 411 still works...

McCafe Doodles: if you want to continue with Adventure Time...

Wilford Brimley: eat your oats for scratchy throat.

that one guy in the B-52's: i don't sing, i'm the band's spoken-word artist...

Jen R: do we have a raft? of Brussels sprouts?

me: okay, in this situation, i give up, give me a Coke. 

SUDDENLY three monks come FLYING IN THE SKY and hover above we three poor souls stranded in the middle of the ocean by an upturned speedboat. these three flying monks in their floating robes and floating sandals pierce the sun-dewed clouds with their intimidating icy stares. they are: Bede, Butt, and Navin.

Bede: WE ALWAYS GET OUR MAN!!! we're the monk mafia.

Jen R: well, you DID say you wanted to meet with the monks again.

Peewit: i'm holding on for dear life to a Santa sack, let us pray on my desperate need for magic in my life.

Bede shaking his head: sad. have you paid out your loans to Tony Soprano?

Tony Reali: is that code for COLLEGE!!!?

Jen R: hey Stat Boy, can i have one of your bananas?

Bede: what about your loans to US?!!! you OWE us!!!

Peewit: i swear i don't have any money!!! i'm not in arrears, check my blond butt for gold coins.

Navin: they're chocolate coins, i know that trick.

Butt: your wittle butt? we all have wittle butts.

Peewit: i'm but a poor Medieval peasant.

Bede: not money, numbnuts, CANDY!!! you know we monks regard candy as our currency. the monastery only accepts chocolate bars as payment for fruitcake.

Peewit: BUT I DID!!! but you know what i'm REALLY crestfallen over? i had a batch of napkins i was gonna give you but they got wet.

Bede: why?

Peewit: don't you guys like to eat meals together?

Bede: no monk likes anime, anime is creepy. okay, come back with us, i have to talk to you.

Peewit: to scold me?

Bede: no, in session. i want to dig deep and find out what's really going on with you, Brother Peewit.