.jpg)
.jpeg)
Gaia: you are to become Gaia for the next 2000 years.
David Attenborough: now that i think about it...
Gaia: i know how you feel, as The Buddha nobody paid attention to me, either.
David: this is perfect, i actually had nothing scheduled to do after i died, my planner is clear. i was scared of getting bored. now i have something to look forward to again!!! to get up for.
me: i gotta put on a sweater again, i'm getting cold.
Jen R: you know, you never get it right. you never have on what you need for that particular weather.
me: or off.
Jen: what would you do without me here? here, let me help you get the double-sweater back on.
Lindy Lenz is lounging on her back on a pool-floatie bed the perfect size of her body on the gentle drifting waves of the frozen pond.
Lindy Lenz: the sunglasses add a nice touch on the tundra. glare. pina-colada popsicle.
Gordon Ramsay: white styrofoam take-out boxes are the bane of my existence.
Nigella Lawson: they are my ecstasy. carry me on your carry-out of rib rapture.
Jackie Fitzgerald: the world's oldest bird just laid an egg. sounds like me. we're both 70.
Jen: i want to be like you.
Jackie: you'll never reach 70, toots. i've banged the best of 'em. i banged Humphrey Bogart AND Lauren Bacall, separately.
me: so i'm walking past your gate in the morning.
Jen, singing: Love Shack/ is a little ol place where/ we can get TOGETHER.
Jackie: that's fun.
me: the gate slightly opens, slightly ajars, and a figure with long blonde hair is behind it.
Jackie: naturally you thought it was me.
me: i stop and stick my foot inside your gate to wave hi.
Gunther: but it was ME!!! the boyfriend!!! that's long BLOND hair!!!
me: you gave me SUCH a fright!!! you scared the BEJEBUS out of me!!! i was not expecting YOU!!!
Gunther: was it my cold icy stare?
me: i can't take you. you startle me to death with your He-Man-ness.
me: Gunther, your face haunts me...
Mitch Hedberg in Central Park: when you ask your date out, you ask her "wanna cup of coffee?". but it will never be ONE cup of coffee. there will always be TWO cups of coffee. unless you share one cup of coffee with a straw. next time ask your date "do you want two cups of coffee?" and see if she doesn't dump you. these are the jokes i would have done three years after my death.
Murder on the Orient Express (1974).
Professor Plum: she has hidden fire. to go with this snowy train.
Vanessa Redgrave: people forget i had red hair.
Lauren Bacall: wait, can a letter-opener kill? i use this letter-opener that was planted in my purse to give myself a facelift.
Moe Howard with a gold grill for teeth: shoot. your questions.
Larry Fine: can i be serious for once in my life? i had that Stooge face where people thought i did drama before.
Ms. Krause: no talking out of turn, this is 6th Grade, not kindergarten.
Jerry Springer: everyone on this train, take care of yourself and each other.
Wagon-Lit: when there's a snowdrift and you have a nice butt.
Macbeth: light thickens like fish oatmeal.
Batman: i was a champion cricketer before that unfortunate incident with Pinocchio's bug.
Hildegarde: all my ladies say i'm a good cook. i'm Beyonce wearing a chef hat.
trunk call: when Snuffy REALLY needs to talk to Big Bird after snorting WAY TOO MUCH cocaine up that elephant nose of his.
Albert Finney: turns out, i'm pretty GOOD as Poirot!!! huh? you all hated me, you all badmouthed me, you all tried to TRICK me, you thought i was DUMB.
Poirot: you served in the British army in India?
butler: yes, sir, as a Robin Hood. i gave Mr. Belvedere his first spotted dick.
Poirot: pardon moi, my moustache fell in my glass of water. newspapers have covid on them. i play air violin to relax from the stress of being Belgian.
Sean Connery: that was the most halfhearted knife-stab i've ever plunged into someone.
Julie Patzwald: our amended goth-band name: Rotter. our new player of the moon glockenspiel: Selena.
Jacqueline Bisset: i am not Genevieve Bujold.
Ingrid Bergman: i won the Oscar because i was goofy. i played a goofy character with a goofy voice.
Agatha Christie: i mean this is the ONLY BOOK i'm known for.
Agatha Christie: Hercule Poirot in this movie should have had a HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE...
Hercule Poirot: madam?
Agatha Christie: yes?
Hercule Poirot: your name sounds like you're in agony.
Wendie Malick in hot yoga pants rifling through an outside trash can: i'm a bag lady. i carry these FOUR large Neiman Marcus shopping bags around with me at all times everywhere i go during the holidays as i roam the streets. did you see the latest Night Court? it was about a hole. i am not confident going forward about my job security.
the Toyota Lady: why aren't i in the cast of SNL?...
Wendie Malick: my sister the Toyota Lady still has a job SELLING TOYOTAS?!!! doesn't make sense.
David Attenborough: my fellow humans, do you know what a snale is? it's a snail that has Darwin'd himself into a whale.
Buddha: and when he sings through his spiral baleen teeth, his blowhole sounds out in Alice in Chains.
David: and do you know what a wombat whippoorwill is?
Buddha: those birds with the scary yellow eyes. eyes wild like a wombat. how do they get their eyes yellow like that?
David, gently sighing: from eating too many McDonald's French fries.
AT-AT Walker: can i be a wombat walker?
Coldplay "Viva La Vida": always playing at your Safeway.
Chris Martin: i always get those two words, viva and vida, confused.
St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC: the best place to be a Roman Catholic growing up.
Mr. Kotter: yeah...
Julie Patzwald: i am a devotee of cold. but not snow. snow is boring. when we were stuck in that snowdrift aboard the Orient Express, i passed the time reading books about how the Disneyland Monorail was electric-powered in the 1970s. goths only eat BLUE snowcones.
wiktionary: we take a more British bent...
Boc: fog walks are more mystical than Boc walks.
Robot Chicken: ...
Seth Green: more mistical.
professor: you can trust me, i have a handlebar mustache. i wrote your McGraw Hill textbook on natural disasters. people believed in science in the '80s.
Suzy Lu in a 1970s Stevie Nicks black-and-orange-fish kimono: you have a feral fragrance about you. you're musky like a Scottish hound.
Steejo: i want to stick my Connery cock in your NESSIE BIG BUTT, suck on your tiny swaying deflated-balloon titties, and cum all over your bonnie-lass face.
Suzy: your wee wee-wee.
Steejo: yes.
Suzy: i am medically unable to have children so go nuts.
Steejo: no condom?
Suzy: *heavy Scottish sigh* no condom.
Steejo: bless ya.
Paul: you guys are a bunch of electric yokels.
me: yes, electronica-only for me.
Mashle: the humor is dry.
Mashly: but my math tits are wet. one tit is the size of Earth. the other tit is the size of Planet X.
Doctor Who: the zeitgeist has gone out of the balloon. let's take the TARDIS and travel back to Dec 7, 1989 where we can reboot the show...
John Belushi: how did i get hit by a NYC taxi in the snow on Christmas and not feel any pain? i did the fog walk in the Marines...
Christmas lights 2024: the last flicker of joy. the last flicker of hope.
female Matlock: CBS and old people, a built-in LARGE audience.
turkey: without VIVID storytelling i can't fly.
Dan Casagrande: i'm the type who ends up a side-character in a cutscene from the Family Guy Christmas special.
Brian: the joke was reverse mortgages don't work. i told your dog this.
Savannah Guthrie: in your dream i'm in a large indoor diamond-carpeted wood theater with you. the light above us is so bright it's the Christian Heaven. we're swooning through the previews.
me: all that Harrison Ford trivia.
Savannah: after the movie we stroll outside with the sunny breakers to one side of my purse. i check out the 20 wood garage doors all along the bare promenade.
me: the beach heats my feet.
Jellycat: we're jealous that we will never be Care Bears.
Ms. Talbott: only i can REVIVE the Notre Dame organ.
The Pope: so you're an old lesbian?
Ms. Talbott: Ms. Talbott is my SPICE name. no with my mouth. the jazz in my mouth.
The Pope: jazz comes from the heart, it's not learned by rote, it's freestyle. oh the one in Paris, i thought you were talking about the one on La Cienega.
Gaia: i accept this assignment with open arms. i may just be able to save Planet Earth yet.
Bill Nye: save the world. i'm next in line.
Gaia: i'll save Earth from behind the scenes, silently, without my booming words. that no one heeded. i'll be quiet but i won't stay quiet. a gentle nudge. i'll SHOW, not speak. i'll show them. i will be there for them always. i shall not abandon them, even after our home has turned to cinder. i'll be there when the Amazon Forest needs a drink. i'll be there when the ocean get thirsty. i'll be there when the forest needs a ripped-open brown McDonald's bag full of French fries to be gently picked up. i am a gentle breeze you don't feel. LET IT NEVER BE SAID SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH STOPPED TRYING.
No comments:
Post a Comment