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Salinas holds its annual Streets of Bethlehem now so we decide to go.
Jen R: what is Streets of Bethlehem?
me: large swaths of the city are transformed into what Bethlehem would have been like for Baby Jesus and Mary and Joseph sidesaddling a donkey on dirt roads kicking on doors to stay at their hay hotels.
Jen R: i'm scared of Salinas.
me: i know, we all are, the world is.
Ariana Araiza: no need to be frightened of Salinas, as long as you're wearing a black dress.
Jen's pale sickly rosy cheeks light up, her mascaraed eyes blend into the midnight blue.
Jen: i must say, all the wonderful blue Bethlehem LIGHTS get me in the mood.
me: sex?
Jen: the holiday spirit. that ineffable quality.
Jackie Fitzgerald: do you like the inflatable helicopter on top of my roof manned by Santa and a wayward elf on the tail? that ROTOR keeps TURNING TURNING TURNING IN A CIRCLE FOREVER.
Gunther: a turn for every love we make.
Jen: i was crestfallen when the high-wind storm took out the Santacopter.
Jen: and LOOK!!! isn't that that President Elon Musk atrocity on the streets you always crow about?
me: oh yeah, that silver behemoth that wants to be a cool '70s Transformers silver metallic bullet-train car thing but will only ever be a cybertruck.
Jen: LOOK!!! turns out the driver was a WOMAN this whole time!!!
me: that is a WOW.
Jen: not to me. does that change your opinion?
me: now this person genuinely scares me. like, she must be REALLY high-up. she wears driving gloves. she's probably the First Lady, Elon's wife.
Jen: not the cool kind, not The First Lady on PBS. but it's undeniable, Speed Racer ignites the beating heart of every woman.
i do my best Jesus impersonation in my beige robe as i tag along the main attraction: Jen in a blue Mary veil hiding the application of her makeup.
me: did Jesus really have a goatee?
Jen: unbelievable, every door i knock on and people think i'm needy and greedy, that i just want more barbecue, they see my brown lips and think i've been going to town chowing down eating the village's ENTIRE supply of BBQ!!! the whole hock stock!!! it's brown lipstick, people!!! don't they know i'm just being what Mary REALLY looked like: a Middle Eastern woman. this is a pro-Palestinian protest. in Bethlehem, the perfect place for it.
me: people just aren't serious anymore.
the Great Sphinx of Giza: i have a holy face...
Pass Christian: where your Fellow Traveler lives.
Charles Dickens in the middle of the Little Ice Age: Democrat trolls are the best, those are the best people.
Grinch Punch: made with avocado.
Pati Jinich: ...
Charles Manson: i just wanted to be as popular as Luigi Mangione...
Tony Reali: Luigi Mangione and i are NOT boys. he doesn't even play sports, he was a benchwarmer in college, he was an NPC in one of the Final Fantasys or something.
Samuel L. Jackson: i admit it, i got all my badass catchphrases by listening to my pastor: Denzel Washington.
sherpa on Mount Denali: so Denali isn't a jacket, Sherpas don't need jackets when we climb, this is our home. why do you have two keys for your car? Denali is the name of our mountain god who was here LONG before the white man knew what snow was.
at the El Gordo y La Flaca studios in Miami, Florida.
Raul De Molina: wait, is Clarissa Molina related to me?
Clarissa Molina: DE, hombre!!! it's De Molina, you Santa sadsack.
Raul De Molina: oh good, i can continue flirting with Clarissa every right before the show backstage. i don't EVER want Melissa Joan Hart stepping foot on this set. it's her or me. if she comes, i VAMOS!!!
Clarissa Molina: when we flirt, or when we REALLY want to get the message across about something, we speak in English...
Ganon: when are we gonna team up?
Link: when i need power...
Flobert on Night Court "Feliz NaviDead": i mean I should have been the vacuum salesman...
Stephen A. Smith: i'm a grown-ass man, i don't have time to watch this cartoon shit.
Yamcha: it's called anime, sir.
Suzy Lu: don't be sassy, SAS, that's my husband.
Yamcha: i'm not juiced, my muscles are clean. i'm a better baseball player than Shohei Ohtani, the difference is i don't care. all that sand in the middle of a baseball diamond made me miss home: the desert. when i fight, you can't see me.
Stephen A. Smith: then what were you doing in a ditch after you tried to fight a suicidal Saibaman?
Dr. Drew: SPIT the cough out of you!!!
Dr. Drew: hey that ain't no crack in your foot, it's a CHASM.
Dr. Drew: drink your STANLEY thermos of hot coffee in ONE GULP.
Mr. Roper: you know Helen doesn't like me drinking from hippie flasks like that.
Dr. Drew: Stanley Roper, you're gay.
Mr. Roper looking at the camera: ...
Dr. Drew: you were at last week's costume party as Tinker Bell. now you treat that wonderful wife of yours Helen Roper like the COMFORTABLE queen she is.
Mrs. Roper: i'm not a wonderful wife, i'm a wonderful woman.
Bill Belichick: do i need to SAY i love you to Bill Parcells or it doesn't count?
Bill Parcells: i wanna HEAR it, speak up, i can't hear you, you mumble.
Bill Belichick: i never learned to actually speak words, i ate too much dolphin-unsafe tuna as a kid.
John Lennon: the Plastic Ono Band was imagine if i was in New Order...
stale Safeway donuts: taste like Saturday-morning cereal.
Howard Stern: Valerie Harper told me the secret word. she was dying of brain cancer, after her death she'd whisper the secret word in a stranger's ear and the stranger would say it to prove there was an afterlife.
Valerie Harper: the secret word was Rhoda has a sex swing of headscarves.
Howard Stern: incidentally my safeword is Mary Tyler Moore.
Melissa Maker with MERLISA on her Starbucks cup: i'm not a mermaid. Merlin is my father. i'm the Canadian Hoda Kotb. being friends with me is like being friends with Hoda Kotb.
Suzy Lu: i'm everybody's Babysitter-sama.
Honey Bear: non-nutritive cereal varnish is Golden Smacks, honey.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
back pills: what could have been...
Ellen Griswold: is it plugged in?
Clark Griswold: the Christmas lights had an outlet but i turned that outlet into 2 staples...
PG&E: CLARK GRISWOLD'S FAULT.
Rusty Griswold: did you see how adroit that scene was? me, a 12-year-old boy, checks the circuit breakers in the house after the power outage by the light of my cigarette lighter. i shouldn't have a cigarette lighter, i'm too young!!! CLEVER WRITING, JOHN HUGHES!!!
Takahashi: okay i want a refrigerator with a poster of fast food on the side.
Randy Quaid: rubber sheets and gerbils.........that's for my real life...
Clark: calling me a greaseball is not funny, it's offensive to my heritage, to my family name, my family last name.
Martin Yan to Clark: hey, greaseball, don't use my wok for your sled.
Rod Serling: wait so the coat is the shitter?
Randy Quaid: save the neck for me, Clark. the turkey neck. you can neck my wife.
the turkey explodes like an inflated football then deflates into a steaming Attack on Titan husk.
Tom Brady: the footballs were inflated. like my ego. those were gassy footballs. Gisele left me because i have gas.
Ellen: don't worry, we have a pizza-emergency credit from Domino's.
Clark with a bag over this head: i will accept this Jelly of the Month Club certificate if and only if my daughter gets a Peanut Butter of the Month Club.
Juliette Lewis: DAAAAAD.
Chloe Fineman: see? eggnog calms.
newel post: Encyclopedia Brown thing.
Clark: sorry, that squirrel is my Caddyshack past coming back to haunt me.
Patrick Bateman: it's not yuppie, it's Vaporwave.
Justin Bieber: and this was before swatting was a thing.
SWAT officer: we got a call in a Betty Boop voice from this location...
Jen R: come on, you can't side-kiss your wife!!!
Steve Urkel: the end-credits song is Sonic the Hedgehog music.
Capp: cut through the noise/ on a still night/ when you can think
powering your phone to 100% power: you might as well take this time to ask for $100.
Catherine Tate: i don't know what a quarterback with cheese is, but i was a British cheerleader...
DoorDash: 12 items is a scary order, but 6 of the items are Hot Sauce packets...
Rebecca Lowe: Boxing-Day Week is the only week off i get to fuck...
Gabriel Jesus: it's not the end of the world if i sit on the sidelines...
dress the bird: a day at the Are You Being Served? department store.
Bill Cosby in Cosby (1996): you're in a garden when you watch a sitcom.
Marcello Hernandez: i wrote an El Gordo y La Flaca SNL sketch...
Jen and i are finishing up Streets of Bethlehem at midnight peeing in a bush together.
me: HEY LOOK!!! it's The Pennsylvania Hermit!!!
Jen R: no that's Chris Matthews.
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