Bede: you're in this room because you failed to pay your bills.
Peewit: the monastery is prison.
Bede: no, you.........you stepped on my line, i was gonna say BUT this is not a prison, it's my psychiatrist's cell.
Peewit: same difference.
Bede: no, man, this is gonna be FUN!!! we're here to explore YOUR insecurities and foibles!!! please tell me.
Peewit: aren't YOU supposed to figure that out?
Bede: who do i look like to you, Summer Sanders? tell me anything.
Peewit: Christmas balloons. right? Christmas balloons are WEIRD. balloons that say Merry Christmas, have you EVER seen ANYBODY have these balloons in their house? like you see a Merry Christmas balloon next to the Christmas tree? NOBODY does this.
Arthur Agee's dad: when you confess your sins in front of the general public, THAT is church.
Jean-Luc Picard: i don't have a Christmas mantle, i have a log room...
Herdez salsa: can we PLEASE make our jar necks WIDE for easier chip-dipping?
tikka-masala rice: it's tricky, those clumps of rice look like chicken...
Jen R: taste like chicken, too.
Sean Connery: be sure to pour a tiny tin silver can of Glasgow Scottish tomatoes in that chicken tikka masala bowl of rice...
Suzy Lu: ...
Julie Patzwald: a DBZ-themed goth-band name: Crooked Cricket.
Boc sick in bed eating a biscuit: the soles of my feet have become Fruit Roll-Ups from walking.
Lindy Lenz: like those jagged-edged fruit-flavored triangular ice pops from the '90s, remember those?
Link speaking in an Australian accent: remember when Fruit Roll-Ups would form mold in the sun?
Lindy Lenz: call me Linky Lenz.
dad: Buzzbugs has that Choose Your Own Adventure vibe, that easygoing storytelling style about life set in a nice village...
Jen R: i want to wear a coat that's an ENDLESS hot shower, i NEVER want that hot water cascading down my soft shoulders to end.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
Chevy Chase: kiss your ass, think about it.
Takahashi: oh yeah, remember that stapler at the mall that would remove the shoplift bone from the blouses and jeans at Miller's Outpost?
Winona Ryder: ...
hot counter girl: wanna touch my tits? because you can't.
Clark Griswold: i'm just wiping the sweat off my brow with your panties as my handkerchief.
Clark: my son is cool, he has a Where the Wild Things Are poster on his wall.
Clark's mom: remember the game i did with you when you were little? your nose is the ladder and i stick my finger in your mouth.
Clark: yes ma but why?
Clark's mom: bats in the belfry.
Clark: hot-glue your Christmas lights to your house's leaf filter. Chicago always rains, right?
Elaine from Seinfeld: how'd the carpet get wet?
Patrick Bateman: you PEED on the carpet, Elaine!!!
son: feed the hog.
mom: masturbate?
grandpa: even grandpas masturbate under the covers when the poster of Gina Gershon is on the attic-door ceiling.
Ellen to Clark: i didn't marry you, i married your cure cleft chin.
Clark: i was hoping nobody would notice that.
Ellen: your chin divot. i'm into golf.
King's Hawaiian Rolls: we can't be toasted, yeah, sorry.
Ozone wearing Fred Astaire's shoes: scratch culture, you thought it had to do with itchy butts.
Turbo riding the Tour de France: and you'd be right, only DANCE can cure an itchy butt.
Ozone: lottery tickets are sold at the bodega i work at, the whole thing's a scam that traps the urban poor, that's why we had to come up with our OWN scratch culture.
Kate Bush: "Running Up That Hill," i conceived that song when i conceived the baby of the lute man from Storybook International under Medieval elm.
the Storybook International luter: many people don't know this but that hill was grassy, not asphalt. we used severely-triangular lutes back then...
Ed from Live: i'm not Thom from Radiohead...
Christopher Kimball: how do you pronounce caramel?
Wendy: no one knows.
Jesus: the Gaza/Israel ceasefire will drop on December 25, my birthday.........a day that has no significance to either side...
Shel Silverstein: there was nothing more magical than a 1970s coloring book.
Roger Federer: why aren't there 4 tennis balls in a can? at least that's a game.
Novak Djokovic: ...
Roger: 4 points.
Novak: why am i still here?
Link: make your tissues into tiny triangles to blow your nose, that turns your mucus into magic mucus.
the Legend of Zelda whistle: turns your mucus into music.
Link: the Triforce is helping you blow your nose.
Ganon: try blowing your nose while sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop. as your liquid mucus waterfalls out your nostrils like clear droplets of light brown sugar. as you're battling a stubborn cough.
Peewit: i see him.
Bede: who?
Peewit: the boy. he's 13. his head is turned so no one can see his face. but i know he's wearing glasses and has freckles. his hair is brown, moptop. he's in the studio where they film Land of the Lost. the entire studio is covered in orange carpet, all four walls and the floor and ceiling. and the stairs. he's on a step off the center of the stage. he wears tall lanky midnight-blue bellbottoms and a chocolate-brown corduroy shirt. he has his back turned to the audience in the ultimate sign of respect.
Bede: how's that?
Peewit: because he's about to dance. he starts off subtle, a thread of groove lifts his entire body. he starts shaking his head to one side, bopping his head frequently, always the left side, always to the left, his head hitting his shoulder. his knees follow this groove, up and down like a collapsible construction-site crane ladder. he slaps the other side of his pants with his palm creating that SCHGWINGY slidey sound of corduroy.
Bede: like a bow against a violin. this boy is special to you, he is what you cannot be, he represents for you freedom.
Peewit: yeah. a freer time. he's from the '70s, i'm from the '80s. i took up to him. i envy his dance moves. he's jamming out to Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World."
Bede: it's that cold?
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