THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: CROSSES IN THE HOT SPRING

 

Peewit: i've never gotten pharmacy eggnog before, you know? i've never drunk CVS eggnog. i was on my new holiday tradition with the eggnog hunt. the candy shoppe needed eggnog, i was fresh out. from last year. 

me: how long does it take to make a new batch of eggnog?

Peewit: 27 years. 

Jen R: how can you trust CVS? those LONG-ASS receipts are code-switching.

Peewit: well of course i was uncertain. the pharmacy beer last week wasn't EXACTLY flat so it was worth a go. so i prayed on it. i knew the world was in its right place when i saw at the bottom the CVS receipt was printed in the county of Syria, so obviously the Syrian government had finally stabilized.

Hercule Poirot: the trains AREN'T running on time, that's a good sign.

Jen: i have hope for Syria. IF they elect Kamala as their president.

Super Mario: my boys and i have seen Jackie Fitzgerald's waterbed.

Jen R: you're cooler than me!!!

Jackie Fitzgerald: can't beat the classics.

Super Mario: yeah she opens the gate ONLY for us. so we can do our yardwork. we peep her chamber window from the grass. 

Jackie: the chamber of delights.

Toad with a rake: our boss Jesus Montanes knows the password, it's near the hose.

Mario: wait, i thought I was you guys' boss?

Jesus Montanes: i am the Mountain King. i'm more powerful than Jesus. but not as powerful as the Ox King.

me: that's it, Gunther is Jackie's next husband. i saw him walking Jackie's ragged White Golden Retriever dog Falkor on my walk this morning. you are officially LOCKED IN, dude.

Gunther: if Jackie's dog doesn't maul you upon first contact, you've made it into the family. i can hold my own but i ain't THAT strong.

Jackie: Falkor is a bit overprotective of me. he senses danger wherever his nose goes.

Jen R is fucking Sir David Attenborough on Jackie Fitzgerald's waterbed.

Sir David Attenborough: this waterbed is emblematic of what Earth will be in a few years...

Jen R: those palm trees on fire in Malibu hurt my heart. 

Lorne Michaels: the key to writing for Saturday Night Live is to come up with STRANGE NAMES.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Garlic Jr.: yes i'm doing all this taking over the galaxy because i'm overcompensating for being short. no great villains are short. even Nosferatu was taller than me. i've tried losing Aaron Rodgers's number but he won't let me.

green men: GARLIC BREAD!!!

Goku: guys, let's keep fighting, i don't want to lose this perfect triangle.

Kami: you're just an edgelord, Garlic Jr.

Piccolo: I am the most beautiful shade of green.

Krillin: for future reference for Android 18, i am not into golden showers.

Garlic Jr.: do the words "Vanilla Ice hanging by his ankles" mean anything to you?

Kami: no, i listen to Biz Markie. and i prefer Mortal Kombat-style fighting.

Piccolo: imagine a world where you, Garlic Jr., live in a world that's just you. and bread.

Hoop Dreams.

Jon Arbuckle: i'll be providing the dancing.

Roger Ebert: to the Nominators i say: leave your flashlights at home in your Oscar bags, just sit down relaxedly in your heated private theaters and watch this 3-hour slice of American life. not laid-back life, laid-out life. not happy life, rife life. not easy life, masterpiece life.

Gene Siskel: yeah, flashlights are for making shadow puppets in the theater. you know, when the screen is white.

Ebert: why do my shorts smell pungent?

Batavia: where Dracula grew up.

Dracula: i'm calmer now that i started drinking garlic tea.

everything's better when you're at a McDonald's in 1991.

Arthur's mom at college: it's a different world out here.........i love that show. that Lisa Bonet is CUTE.

the State Championship will take place inside this Illinois UFO.

Mardith: Flat River scares me, it's got that Gus Van Sant vibe.

recruiter: don't mind the Playboy poster in my office.

Julie Patzwald: nice goth sunny-day umbrella!!!

me: the TINGLING in MY fingers as someone ELSE signs a scholarship...

Tony Toni Tone: it feels good. yeah. it feels good. to know that you're there for me. it feels good. to know that you CARE.

the St. Joe's Awards Banquet: the Queensryche song "Promised Land" plays in the background...

Coach Pingatore: write off the people you love. write off your family. you see this basketball in my hand? this basketball is now your orange wife.

Jackie Fitzgerald: PUSH the blinds UP by pushing your finger DOWN on your window at 6AM at night for my Love Shack After Hours.

Jen R: as i push DOOOWWWNNN i say LOOOVVVEEE SHAAACK.

the latest class at Berkeley: Nietzsche Ballet, going off that Nietzsche dance quote.

Kyle Brandt: you had no idea i was this SHORT!!!

Achilles: i had my Wrath of Achilles but you blew out your Achilles, that's worse.

Jamie Erdahl: Kyle had a wrap of Achilles.

Kyle Brandt: no i'm not fucking Jamie Erdahl, i'm actually one of the good guys, i love my wife and kids.

Home "Resonance": you're late...

Archbishop Dolan from NYC: i'm a cool priest. but it's not enough.

Jen R: the Archbishop of New York MUST be charismatic like Jesus or it won't work.

Edward Hopper: you know when you're in a room full of people and you still feel alone?

Edward Hopper: you feel MORE alone the more people there are in the room.

Edward Hopper: my college professors called me Wayward Hopper.

at the Mad Batter breakfast diner, in a booth sit the Ghostbusters and Ebenezer Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: nice breakfast place.

Egon: breakfastize.

Scrooge: i have a Ghost problem...

Egon: this is the crossover i knew i wanted.

me: alright, come on let's go, i gotta cut your nails.

Trinity the cat: but i'm very talon-ted.

me: okay for that wordplay you can keep your nails sharp and use my lap as your scratching post.

Talia the cat: i even vomit cute. so you don't mind cleaning the vomit.

me: i ain't mad atcha.

Luigi: it wasn't me. Mario gave me the back of a blue shell to snort. mangia. would it surprise you to learn i took an Ivy League class on manga? it's not my fault, the Ivy league doesn't give its students free healthcare. the Ivy League doesn't FEED its students!!!

Willow: but can Google bring back Val Kilmer?

Val Kilmer: i'm not dead. but i am quantum mist right now, it's like Medieval smoke.

Willow: can Google make me taller?

me: when i do my grocery list, i always write at the top in Sharpie marker Lindy Lenz, where the fuck are you?

Lindy Lenz: aww, that's sweet. i'm traveling. just some baby plantains for me.

me: so, bananas?

Jen R: baby spinach for me, that kid of mine is growing like a sprout.

me: you're just thinking about the Green Giant right now. you just want to fuck the Green Giant.

hardboiled egg: my cooler name is soft egg.

Shorey Wesen: i'm the oil princess!!!

Shorey Wesen: Shorey Wesen is the ultimate New Jersey name.

Lili Estefan: hola mi gente.

Rauly De Molina: you sound like a Roman dictator.

Lili: Rome never took Mexico.

Stephanie Abrams: remember that Sound of Music play everybody did in 4th Grade? you performed it only in front of your classmates, no parent ever came to see it. 

Bjork: ...

Bjork: my kindergarten didn't have Arts & Crafts...

me: tell me your problems, don't disappear.

Jen R: i keep forgetting.

knees up, Mother Brown: when Doryce accidentally became a mom after that one time...

Ariana Araiza: chilly this morning. hide your dogs.

Jacques Pepin: the one thing i never knew how to make was French fries.

Freud: i was always jealous of you.

Jung: that just proves your theory. i'm not the lead singer of a Korean boy-band. 

Paul McCartney: i did "Wonderful Christmastime" because they said the Beatles had to have a Christmas song.

Kurt Cobain: Nirvana's Christmas song was "Heart-Shaped Box..."

Jaws: can we be friends?

Free Willy: i broke free from you, you made our relationship toxic.

Christian Publishers Inc.: because it's not about money...

Lenny Kravitz on a sunbaked day drying out his dreadlocks: Darlin' is better than Baby. Darlin' it ain't over till it's over.

Peewit at his Buddhist temple in rural Tokyo: the locals are weird. these people don't want a prayer slip anymore. nobody anymore rings the temple bells to get that weird muted bellring from tugging at the soft plushy velvet bell rope like it's Muppets. 

Jen R: i have a bell rope in my hair, a lovelock to win over Jackie Fitzgerald. it's not about gay, it's about goddess.

Peewit: the people laugh at prayers!!! i'm trying to save them. but all these people want to do is go to a Vowz show then hit up the hot springs at the back of my temple. that's still my property you know. they all wear crosses dangling on necklaces around their necks as they're naked in the hot spring men and women together.

Hayao Miyazaki: no separation in the hot spring because no separation in life.

Peewit: but it's not like the Japanese people are Catholic now.

Hayao Miyazaki: we like the Catholic iconography. it's very anime. the saints are painted kinky on those frescoes, like manga murals. it's all very bukkake. speaking of, i was told there was a ball gag in my size at this temple?

Peewit: the cross represents the young Japanese girls' desire to find a man. pray for a mate. nobody knows the future, it's scary and uncertain, nobody knows if they'll make another friend. the feeling of being untethered from the Red String of Fate. so these girls PRAY for a companion, a spouse, a husband who won't leave her after a month because he got bored.