LET THE EARTH REST: RAZOR BUMPS

 

Gaia: and i am really.........big reveal.........The Buddha.

David Attenborough: that's it? oh. damn. i thought you were gonna be one of those GIANT fairies from the Zelda games with the GARGANTUAN TITS.

Gaia: are you ready for your next job?

David: not really. i'm too old to work. shouldn't i be collecting Social Security by now?

Gaia: no, the Republicans took over the world again, remember? this fucking eternal seesaw is doing my bodhi box in.

Gaia: i don't reveal Next Gen plans to just anybody, you know. you need to meet me at a secret location. go to where the fire water comes from.

me: i'm too hot here, i'm gonna take my double-sweater off.

Jen R: no no, just take ONE sweater off. let me help you take ONE sweater off.

Lindy Lenz cuts a hole in the ice of the frozen pond with a Chilly Willy saw, drops a line, and fishes the day away.

Lindy Lenz: no catches. and my butt is frozen. 

Chilly Willy: as a penguin i can tell you any fish you'd have caught with that method would have been frozen in a block of ice, only cartoon animals can eat those raw and whole.

Lindy: i need to generate some body heat. i want Woody Woodpecker to peck at my vagina for hours. you're friends with him, right?

me, scatting with harmonica: oh Lindy Lenz, give me a call/ it's been a whole year, i'm still waiting/ my mouth organ is so dry/ don't abandon me, don't give up on my life/ you were meant to be my wife

Michael Weiss: don't be acting all cool on Instagram, like you're settled in your relationships and have no problems. you can't fake it online forever. 

Matt & Trey: anything made famous by South Park ends up bad.

Jackie Fitzgerald: there's a loud VROOM VROOM by my bedroom window. my boyfriend Gunther is revving up his Harley outside after fucking me. could he be any more of a walking cliche? i LOVE him!!! 

Gunther: and then i speed off on my motorcycle, like that Pearl Jam song.

Ms. Krause: remember what i told you in 6th Grade?

me: you told me to get your autograph now, you didn't see yourself becoming a famous Shakespearean actress.

Ms. Krause: well the same went for you. can i have your autograph from when you were in 6th Grade?

Damp January: Doryce in January.

$100 bill: are good $100 bills BLUE?...

CVS: our lunch hour is whenever you're calling.

Eye Luggage: mom, i'm so afraid of you wasting your money on junk causes that i actually threw away an envelope with a $1 bill in it!!!

Ear Horn: mystic stamps tho, daughter.

Jackie Fitzgerald: yeah, it could have been the JFK Stamp!!! or the Sitting Bull Stamp!!!

growth team: Doryce's dates. on Thursdays.

Russ Lesser: it was you all along.

Cork Lesser: that's easy for you to say, we met at Carlos Castaneda classes in the '70s.

Carlos Castaneda: tensegrity. i'm sensing a lot of tension in the room. i understand you, i don't get ice hockey, either. 

Cork: it's not that.

Carlos: is it because i don't have a long Indian beard? Don Juan Matus had hair. okay fine, i wanted to be A.C. Slater in high school. get all the girls. math is simply hard spirituality.

Suzy Lu: don't assume it's "assume," i pronounce it "ashume."

Steejo in the kickboxing ring: i'm training to be the next Gerard Butler.

Karen: no i'm Karen from San Francisco, it's okay, i'm KQED Karen.

Golden Corral: all the voters were HERE. look at all the Carhartt everywhere. 

David Attenborough enjoying a shepherd's pie: as global warming envelopes the planet, there are gonna be a lot more of those barbecue relief efforts in your area's future. a lot more barbecue tents.

Ronaldo: goal is hidden in global, goal like soccer, why can't global warming be as popular as soccer?

David Attenborough wearing a Star Wars shirt: just because that idiot Bump won again doesn't mean the world's environmental problems now suddenly vanish into thin bad air as if they never existed, rather they bad-force-multiply.

Hoop Dreams.

me: i'll be honest, whenever i watch this, i get depressed. the more i watch this, the more depressed i get.

Humphrey Bogart wearing a basketball headband: that film-noir background music tho. the jazz saxophone.

David Duchovny: i thought that was MY sax...

Rod Serling: all of my Twilight Zone episodes were little film-noir films.

Michael J. Fox: this ain't no magic court. this ain't no Teen Wolf court. the basketball hero DOESN'T make the last-second shot and the team loses in the end.

Gates and Agee: if our hoop squad had a werewolf for a mascot, we'd believe in magic. but we were too poor for a mascot. we wanted magic werewolves, not Michigan.

 

William Gates's brother: as you can see, when i'm not working, i'm addicted to soap operas. i later die in a love triangle. this was all fated in the stars.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974).

Poirot: they all did it. too soon?

Anthony Perkins: he burned the letters. 

Poirot: so, Abraham Lincoln? hot letters?

Poirot: all murder leads back to my mustache. and two fencing masks. the hot wax is strictly professional, gentlemen, not sexual. 

Colonel Mustard: i never thought someone could actually kill Alex Louis Armstrong of Fullmetal Alchemist.

Poirot: this is fun, no? it's Clue on a train. let us talk of less distressing matters, my friend, let us talk of murder.

Anthony Perkins: no i'm talking about my Psycho mother, i loved her a little too much. tell me i'm emotionally retarded.

Poirot: you are an emotionally-mature self-actualized gay man, Mr. Perkins. marriage is for suckers.

Beddoes: you're Belgian, sir?

Poirot: quite. now be a good butler and stuff this Belgian waffle down Sean Connery's piehole. tell him Zardoz sent ya.

Poirot: let's do the broad before Brod.

Lauren Bacall: i BEG your pardon, little man!!! i'm only talkative because Humphrey Bogart was bad at pillow talk. Humphrey Bogart had a small dick. because he was a private dick. 

handkerchief on top of David Foster Wallace's head: right? what's the point of a handkerchief?

Ingrid Bergman: i'm not Audrey Hepburn. i was born backward.

Poirot: breech birth?

Ingrid Bergman: no, the African babies taught me the true religion. i wish i had written The Lion King, not worked with my boring uncle Ingmar Bergman. i just want to fuck Prince. we call him Yesus.

Poirot: my dear Ingrid, focus more on the Freudian, less on the religious. snakes don't breathe.

Samuel L. Jackson on a train: ...

Poirot: my dear crazy Ingrid, is your bedgown white with red animals?.........i want to see you naked...

maid: i'm Lady Dragonlady's Golden Girl, her friend and her confidante. NOT her servant. she's my mistress, second meaning, as in we fuck. i'm not a lesbian, but i will do anything for my mistress.

Lady Dragonlady: i'm from The Cosby Show. ice cream bars is not cooking.

Sean Connery: AOC happens to be a friend of mine.

Poirot: LIAR!!! that would NEVER happen!!!

Julie Patzwald: Rotten Show, our goth-band name.

Mordecai from Regular Show: ...

Mordecai: don't i have a goth name?

Sean Connery: are you suggesting my arms are PEEPcleaners?!!! that's pipe in Scottish, right?

Poirot: and WHY is all the stained glass on this train NAKED LADIES?!!!

Sean Connery: can you give me your solemn oath, as a frog?

Vanessa Redgrave: Sean Connery fell in love with my shit-eating grin.

Encyclopedia Brown: i am so SICK of all these amateur-sleuth Tik Tok teenage-girl detectives!!!

Lucky: your neighborhood mart for the obscure good stuff.

divorced 40-year-old men on dating apps: it's sad but it must be done.

Luke Russert: don't hold the Christmas-grocery-shopping bag to one side or the other, hold it out in front of your chest, it becomes light as a feather.

Tai: finally the yoga's taking.

The Barnyard: come at 10AM, it's quiet, all the stores are open...

Kurt Cobain: when you see a dude on his cellphone pacing back and forth under a bridge, he is not having a happy life.

yocal: not Southern, still all Californian, yo is surfer.

Eminem: "Mom's Spaghetti" is now a tribute song.

Gordon Ramsay: HEY FROG!!!

Mr. Roper: me?

Gordon Ramsay: put a pat of butter in your hot cocoa.

Mr. Roper: now THAT's strong.

Jacques Pepin: whenever a French recipe calls for butter, it means a whole stick of butter.

the scrolls: social media destroyed elder underwater religious texts. 

David Attenborough: took me awhile but i finally figured it out. after eons of pollution our Earth's sky has turned RED. the firewater is clear water that's reflecting the sky, nothing to do with fire.

Gaia: clear water is a myth. the only fire that exists on this planet now is the lava splurting forth from the volcano that sprouts from the top of my head. here, climb aboard the volcano. climb aboard my head.

David: i've been waiting for this lava. i have razor bumps. see here? these little razor bumps on the top of my head, like bad cobblestone. i fucked up my head shaving when i was trying to be a nature monk.

Gaia: the lava will soothe your razor bumps. but you did not come here for this.

David: my balls itch. and i ran out of talcum powder at Casablanca Station.

Gaia: lava works much better on itchy balls. are you ready to take over?

David: say what now?