imagine my surprise when i go to Dr. Robbins for my weekly psychiatrist appointment and Jen R is there in the chair!!!
Jen R: ready for your sesh?
me: this is a cruel test, right?
Jen: it's your regular session, but we'll be digging deep into the SOURCE of all your problems: me.
me: this is a confrontational connection where i'm forced to confront my deepest love.
Jen: think of it like a mean meeting, we're gonna have fun. who would you rather talk to, me or that stodgy short professor?
me: he was short with me, i couldn't get a word in edgewise, i thought of massive monologues in my head as he spoke all hour.
me: are you EVER gonna leave you husband?
Jen: no. i have a kid. but let's talk about food.
me: it was bad two days ago. i had just finished Liquid Sky, it was 9PM and i was NOT sleepy, i was wide awake because my stomach was growling. i hadn't eaten in days.
Jen: you hadn't eaten anything SUBSTANTIAL.
me: i went to bed early to try to trick my gut into thinking it was the next morning and time for breakfast. my sister had just come back with a WHOLE MELTED PIZZA after work, it was slopped there on her computer chair, alone and unattended, as she talked with a work friend outside. i couldn't sleep, my bed was dry, the winks weren't coming, i simply HAD to eat her pizza i hadn't paid for!!! i jumped like a stealth ninja from my room to that pizza chair, SWIPED a slice and chowed it down with a QUICKNESS.
Jen: you didn't TASTE that slice of pizza, you ate it, you STILL don't know whether that pizza was hot or cold.
me: one wasn't enough, i needed a SECOND slice!!! i got out of bed again, zipped like a ghost from ceiling corner to ceiling corner, and consumed that second slice like a VACUUM before the last laugh outside.
Jen: the napkins in the refrigerator were riddled with red pizza dots. sounds like you had a genuine pizza emergency.
me: but it was 7-Eleven pizza, not Domino's.
Jen: my advice is to eat dinner at 7PM. you don't need to go to bed hungry, you did nothing wrong, you're an adult, you can say rude things.
me: i FINALLY figured it out.
Jen: i was wondering. why isn't the question "what's for dinner?" ever solved?
me: see for YEARS i didn't know how to bridge the gap between Wednesday spaghetti and the weekend, i always ended up having to eat a peanut-butter sandwich for dinner at the end of the week.
Jen: do you know how DEPRESSING a peanut-butter-sandwich Sunday-night dinner is?
me: now i get a four-pack of ravioli cans, that's four weekend dinners, the other weekdays are taken care of by the spaghetti...
Jen: we got a math major over here. or you're hungry. Chef Boyardee is your BRIDGE, your Queensryche.
Chef Boyardee: i was your warm comfort food in the '80s. but in the '90s you made fun of me. by the way, this Italian accent of mine is fake, i'm really from California.
Jen: i tried to tell you, Chef Boyardee is cheap and filling. Chef Boyardee is a more perfect food than an egg.
me: and now my bedroom is my second kitchen. i keep all my cans of ravioli stashed away in the cubbyhole above my bed.
Jen: that's your cute cupboard.
the three of us are at Mel's Diner.
me: can i be served by Linda Lavin?
Linda Lavin: honey ONLY if you're going to the same place i am.........on the truckstop roadside greasy-spoon diner of life.
Jen R: Adam and Eve on a Raft!!!
Linda: to escape God's lava?
Jen: raft, wrath, i see you working, girl.
Linda: that's two eggs over-easy.
me: nevermind me, i'm not in the room.
Linda: the greatest thing i ever did was have my Little League boy taught about sex from Batman.
Adam West: Conrad Bain wasn't available. either way, it's good to have money when the sex fails.
Mr. Drummond: with those '70s Welcome Back, Kotter reels, everyone in the '70s got sex-ed from reels.
Flo: sex is the ultimate food, it's Adam and Eve in Paradise...
The Power Rangers Experience: be in Hollywood for a few years, get pregnant, go home...
Kyle Brandt: i left Days of our Lives because i couldn't be Jillian Clare's lover. where is Jillian Clare? i watch Shark Tank every week but she's never on...
Mardith: the topper is my tits...
Melissa Maker: my favorite video game used to be Super Mario Bros., but after i discovered the Kitchen Work Triangle, it became Legend of Zelda all day every day...
Chad: only Toad for me, that's what Alan Watts would've wanted. new Super Mario Bros. 2 movie coming in 2026 with Mario voiced by one of my cousins, Ryan Reynolds or Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum or someone...
Channing Tatum: Chadding Tatum.
Time Masters (1982).
Han Solo: i crash-landed on this weird planet.
son: we're the weird ones, papa, we're not blue...
Han: that's my son, not Leia's, from my previous marriage to Shorey Wesen.
Sharon Stone in space: Mick Jagger, Liberace, cocktails?
Mick Jagger: hey, no smoking inside the starship cabin.
Liberace: but i'm a gay pianist, what else am i supposed to do?
Jean-Luc Picard: let the fag have his fag.
Mick: come in? wait i'm just talking to an egg.
little boy: it's a mic and this is my Peel Session. wait i gotta take a leak in the forest like Gohan. why do you have two voices?
Sharon Stone: because i have to be demure at work.
Chiaotzu: it's Baba's place from Dragon Ball!!! it sucks when your kamikaze attack doesn't work.
animators: can we do the rest of the movie in sunset?...
Mick Jagger: damn, i'm barechested in bed but ALONE.
banjo-strummer singing: the Mega Millions jackpot, shhhhh, i told no one i won it, i sang about it. i'm a pacifist Robin Hood. my only friends are these electric tadpoles here, i'm the superhero Frogman, i wouldn't be caught dead in the navy, i'm an old hippie.
boy: that's not yin-yang, that's not tai-chi, that's T&C Surf Designs!!! what's a lamprey?
old hippie: sea sausage.
Willard Scott: Jimmy Carter turned 100 today. my work here is done.
boy: speaking of Willard Scott, i like McDonald's. this space strawberry's juice tastes like Smucker's.
old hippie: don't be swimming with that guy with the Aeon Flux design, he looks shady.
Sharon Stone: when we're swimming underwater, don't hold my foot with your hand, that's not romantic, that's creepy.
Mick: but i can't swim.
Mick: gender reveal party?
old hippie: the water balloon burst into tiny SweeTarts people!!!
tiny flying inkspot aliens: we're not mating, we're STUCK!!!
boy: come back with my egg, French Yoshi!!!
Jen R: "polite company," can we go back to the genteel days?...
Boc: ever since i stopped walking, i feel hopeful...
Boc: by the way, all that walking i did was USELESS.
Boc: lime-green running shoes suck, you can't outrun death...
Trent Reznor: i wanna fuck you like an animal.
Eddie Vedder: Pearl Jam "Animal" is the break-up song to Nine Inch Nails "Closer..."
Dan Casagrande: count your stars I am not your next-door neighbor in the whole broken-fence thing, ya know?...
Michael Weiss: if you respect the person on Instagram, comment on their Stories in their DMs. if you don't, type Happy New Year in the comments...
Gargamel: great group of goths!!! can i join you guys?
Julie Patzwald: how many episodes of What We Do in the Shadows have you watched?...
Dan Fielding at Chipotle: FOUR DOLLARS EXTRA for guac?!!!
Pati Jinich: i get guac for free. i have a Chipotle in my house.
Jim Nantz: i chose the wrong sport. if it was a choice between the two sports. i chose football instead of golf. golf is softer than football, golf is easier than football.........and golf pays more than football now with that Saudi money...
we're back in the psyche room.
Jen R: remember, a peanut-butter cookie is the most DISGUSTING food on Earth.
me: what have i learned? what is the lesson?
Jen: this is not a Harry & David brownie, this is Harry & David FUDGE. you can tell because chocolate powder gets all over the stubs of your fingers.
me: after i eat the fudge, i look at my fingers and see that they have chocolate powder all over them, but then i look again and all the staining chocolate dust is gone from my fingers.
Jen: there's not enough time in the hour to unpack all of THAT. it's the final five minutes of the session, anything you want to confess as you hold the doorknob?
me: i don't know but Kool-Aid Orange tastes better to me than Tang.
No comments:
Post a Comment