FAMILY IS HARD: UNDERSTORY

me: well i'm back in the magic forest. and i'm feeling better this time.

Rose: because you're with me, silly goose.

me: are you sure your St. Olaf relatives are here?

Rose: they got colds, that's how i'll know.

we enter Smurf Village.

me: wow. okay. 

Rose: MEET MY FAMILY!!!

we immediately get kicked out.

me: what happened?

Rose: they don't allow foreigners. we'll have to sleep out here in the forest tonight.

me: i'm pissing myself i'm so scared.

Rose: don't tell me that, that's disgusting. here, drink this, regulate your fluids.

Billy Corgan: looks like a giant pear.

Rose: it's gourd juice. you really are an idiot, Billy.

Papa Smurf greets me in the morning by making me sniff a rotten giant pear.

Papa Smurf: wakey wakey, sunshine.

me: can i be a Smurf?

Papa Smurf: no, brother, you'll NEVER be a Smurf. because you're human. see what i mean? you gotta grow up and be a man at some point. one day it must happen. get some grey on your beard like LeBron James, get distinguished!!!

me: i don't know how.

me: please tell me this is not a dream. this cannot be another dream. i need for this to be real as my eyes glaze upon Smurf Village.

Papa Smurf: it's the old saying, kid: if you remember the password you can't get in. best to be fucked in life, smoking weed is mandatory.

me: i tried talking to the other Smurfs but they all had glassy eyes and vacant stares.

Papa Smurf: i'm the only normal one here. the rest of the Smurfs went crazy when they realized they were Smurfs. they're long gone. i take care of them all with my knowledge of magic potions. i feed them, i clean them, i school them. it's a nice life.

we enter the kitchen mushroom.

Jen R: this place is cursed. there's something about these Smurf pies.

Papa Smurf: make the 500 of us supper.

me: can't.

Papa Smurf: yeah you can, you're just missing something.........try on this apron.

me: you know, i've never put on an apron before, never thought to when i cooked.

Papa Smurf: see? you're getting it now. learn some new experience every day.

me: help me with a recipe, Jen.

Jen: chocolate-covered Twizzlers...

me: what's a fast food i can use to feed 500 Smurfs?

Jen: tomato sauce!!! but there's a secret ingredient.

me: which is?

Jen: half-and-half in the tomato sauce. see?

Papa Smurf: this bitch knows her stuff. Smurfette can't cook.

Jen: your voice is kinda creepy, Papa, the more i listen to it. i discovered the recipe at a Medieval Times soup serving!!!

me: i can't do this.

Jen: you'll make it as long as you got this Smurf spoon, the wood spoon that never causes splinters in your fingers. 

Rose: spell fingers. the spoon is made from the bark of THAT tree. i'm related to these blue midgets, the two shows are NBC channel-mates.

Temple of the Dog: the only known grunge supergroup.

Snoop Dogg: Smiling G, that's me, not gangsta, Goodwill.

Kakashi: what's going on?

Suzy Lu: sorry, babe, but i got a crush on Colonel Silver.

Steejo: you like boxers?...

JFK Jr.: i coulda been the bridge between the past and the future. from the hope bridge of the past to the hope bridge of the future... 

male women's water-polo fans: we're the best fans. we wear swimcaps on or heads in the stands.

Sade: sex with me is a spiritual experience.

La Fiesta restaurant: it's not brunch unless you're wearing sunglasses.

Kung Fu Kenny: i was in Enter the Dragon...

me: the heptathlon, i could do that...

Jen: should i tell you?

Jordyn Poulter: Kerri Walsh without the sand...

Sterling Holloway: my voice was the last time all Americans were together.

Kenyatta: a Wikipedian died recently. the comments under his tribute page said, "you're editing Wikipedia in Heaven." is that supposed to be a happy thing?

modern pentathlon laser run: still not as cool as Lazer Tag.

Tom Craig: sorry, i got a little overexcited with Snoop Dogg being the Olympics mascot and all.

Snoop Dogg: weed, man, not cocaine!!!

Tom Craig: the Olympics are stressful. field hockey is a stressful sport. it's somehow FASTER than ice hockey. i can't be disqualified, cocaine is not a performance-enhancing drug. this is the best feel-good story of the Olympics. this explains kangaroo boxing in Australia. i started using because my childhood dream was to be a Power Ranger but that was only for New Zealanders...

Lucio Rossi: answer all phone calls only with your headphones...

Soma: that's the thing, if you've had a shit day but you get 10 hours sleep, your body just kinda gloriously forgets about it the next day...

Max Headroom: i'm the only person who could pull off advertising hard drugs on TV...

village blacksmith in Medieval times: i also smelt black-tar heroin...

IOC: imagine all the men's running events in the Olympics run naked...

Krillin: so i'm the Japanese Charlie Brown...

Joe Biden: what have i been doing since i retired? Dutch field-hockey team...

Lawman cooking orange upside-down cake on Cook's Country: in my world, sugar is wet, baby.

Noah Lyles: why isn't there tape at the end of Olympic races anymore? it would have made the Paris men's 100m even more wild.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: it's a shame the middle finger wasn't invented during the Middle Ages, it would have been useful.........Battle of Agincourt and all...

prairie smoke: Michael Landon inhaling cotton candy like cocaine.

Marvin Gaye: why do you cry everytime you hear "Mercy Mercy Me - the Ecology"? because of the arrangement of the song.

the three of us are next to the Smurfs' campfire cooking on it, a Dutch oven over it. it's soon become a raging bonfire that's getting out of hand. 

me: happy weekend, my babies, can you hear my voice through the smoke?

Jen: okay what we making for lunch Saturday TOMORROW?

Papa Smurf: Saturday-morning cartoons? no, Saturday-afternoon cartoons. your're making 500 bottles of Gummiberry Juice. all of my magic-potion bottles are really Gummiberry Juice.

me: but isn't that copyright?

Papa Smurf: NOT SO LOUD, kid, they'll hear us!!! quiet with that shit. Disney is ABC, not NBC, Gummiberry Juice is the only thing keeping my Smurfs blue instead of orange!!!