Eye Luggage: Teen Wolf and go.
so the three of us, Michael J. Fox, Jen R, and i, are walking down that WIDE street sidewalk in the movie.
Jen R: nice neighborhood. a wide AVENUE flanked on either side by climbing vines and morning glories.
Michael J. Fox: i call it home. but i'm a nobody here. i'm average. i'm not one of those people who was born in retro NYC, come from Saint Marks Place, hail from 8th Street, born in baggy jeans listening to Wu Tang sucking my mom's cream.
me: by the way where's your mom?
Michael: can we talk about that later? in a black box theater?...
me: i thought this was Anytown USA.
Jen: yeah but it's worse, it's Nebraska.
me: can i get a McDonald's candle here? Grimace candle? not the Grimace shake, the bong...
Michael: nope, only Yankee Candles. Middle America. small-town farm life. the only thing that matters is high-school basketball.
Ben Affleck: wasn't i one of the basketball players in this?...
Jen: so there's a lot of drug use behind bales of hay here, right?
Michael: Willy Wonka was from here.
Jen: Willy Wonky.
me: in the '80s we had a fireplace but never used it.
Jen: you just looked at it, stared at it.
me: we were tempted at Christmas.
Jen: you drove long distances on the Santa Monica Freeway with your whole family in pajamas.
Michael: see that's what i need. that's what i need to to be a man. i need to be in one of those four-man bro groups who show off their collective sports car during Carmel Car Week.
Jen: CAR-mel.
Michael: guys from small towns like me don't experience college frats, this is all we got.
Jen: this LONG SIDEWALK is giving me an idea. it's my Portlandia episode: there are many public bookcases dotting this avenue, it's a quaint little innocent exchange that builds community out of strangers, Fred Armisen sticks his hand in one of these book birdhouses to drop an R Crumb graphic novel...
Jen: this is the most HILARIOUS scene ever committed to film. Michael goes for the last shot, it's done all dramatic in slow-motion with the John Williams music and everything. but the score is 71-12 away team so even if the ball goes in the basket it doesn't matter...
Kevin Durant: that werewolf was a hooper.
Jen: oh look you work at Ace Hardware like me.
Michael: yeah.
Jen: if you need any kiln work done.........fashioning paintbrushes from scratch? it's really just for pizza.
Michael: SO LOUD!!!
Melbourne: like Car Week.
Michael: fucking dog whistle.
snot-nosed kid: it doesn't work.
Michael: i mean HOW did i get the thing where i turn into a werewolf? it's never explained. did i get BITTEN by a werewolf spider?
Michael's dad: you come from a family of werewolves. a long line of werewolves.
Michael: thanks for not telling me as a kid, dad, you spared me, i had a childhood.
Boof: it's kinda creepy that i look like Mallory Keaton...
Pamela: i'm nothing special. i'm just your typical high-school blonde that will never go anywhere in life after high school. although i AM a good actress, it takes skill to PLAY someone who is BAD at acting...
Pamela's boyfriend: only in high school are you allowed to squeeze your girlfriend's butt in public...
Stiles: the Dicknose shirt is not the best T-shirt i wear, the most eloquent shirt i wear is the LIFE SUCKS THEN YOU DIE shirt.
Socrates: to this day that is the most cutting pungent philosophical thesis that man has yet to conquer.
Stiles at the liquor store beyond Don's Plum.
Stiles: the old man from Bartles & Jaymes?
Stiles: never say die. unless you drink and drive. teens don't die!!!
Finstock: i'm Gabe Kotter's nephew or something. the coach from Mr. Holland's high school!!! Opus High School!!!
Finstock: i'm cardboard card. look, Scott, boys your age go through changes.
Michael: hairy palms?
Finstock: boys your age masturbate, i've seen it in the lockers. is there hair on your cock? don't quit the team, you can earn money playing high-school basketball...
keg: hey look it's the John Belushi frat house from Animal House...
Michael: why does my dad look like Richie Cunningham?...
Steven Keaton: it's weird to think about but Richie Cunningham and i were both hippies together...
Laertus: okay the big reveal when the dad point-blank hits the screen as a nonchalant grey werewolf, that was fucking hilarious.
dad: you know, son, werewolves are people, too.
Michael: it's a metaphor for puberty, right?
dad: you know, son, when i was courting your mother, i had a romantic rival. i ate him.
Michael: where's mom, dad? like she's mentioned in this movie but we never see her, she's just gone and there's no reason why. not here. where's mom? is she dead?
dad: it's the '80s so we're probably divorced?...
dad: you know, son, sometimes it skips a generation. but then you have to live forever. here, Nestle Quik Hot Cocoa cooked over a stove always does the trick...
Boof: are you taking me to the Summer Dance? or Fall Formal or whatever?
Scott: it'd be icky, we're neighbors.
Boof: listen to me, I NEED TO FUCK MICHAEL J. FOX. you get me? he's the biggest thing going right now.
Ted Danson: there were dance cards back in the day, people got to know each other...
Chubb: Chubb. Chubs. Chubby? i'm not sure which is worse. i do NOT eat a lot of food, i have a glandular problem.
Stiles: the van-surfing thing. yeah see we're from Nebraska, landlocked state, there's no water here at all, so the California Beach Boys surf culture is MYSTICAL to us.
Michael: we got 13 Jack in the Boxes. the Coco's Bakery closed.
Michael: why is our drama teacher J.G. Quintel from Regular Show?
drama teacher: i prefer to think of myself as Steve Jobs.
Michael: please tell me you aren't fucking this guy, Pam. he doesn't have a ponytail but he sounds like someone with a ponytail.
Pamela: isn't that what "running lines" is?
drama teacher: ravish her. ravage her? i only do what the script dictates. speaking of ponytails, this isn't exactly Howard Hesseman's class doing Hair. it's more like a cheap Gone with the Wind bastard child that is surely offensive now.
Pamela: in the theater community we all are very close. it's one big orgy, hedonism to loosen up and get to know strangers.
Holland Taylor: bitch you ain't lying, i've fucked EVERY SINGLE PERSON in Hollywood...
Pamela: how do you have fun? *takes off bra*
Michael: it's weird because you're wearing '80s granny panties...
Pamela: do you know where the wolf howl comes from?
Michael: i do now: uncomfortable sex.
Pamela: the only way to quiet the wolf whistle.
Pamela: go away, it was just sex, the dumb jock is still my boyfriend.
Michael: but why? NONE of this is explained.
Eye: i remember these party games.........except the two girls covered in cream?...
Madame Pons: i got so NERVOUS when it came to these parties. you really had to perform at parties, you know? or you weren't on the popular list and your whole life was dead. these parties were NERVE-RACKING.
Mardith: this Seven Minutes in Heaven is sexual-assaulty.
Michael: they figured since i was a werewolf it was kinda cool.
Boof: wolf claws on my back, NOT sexy. NOT Twilight love.
Stiles: the f word. the OTHER f word. so prevalent in all this '80s moves. being gay is worse than being a monster...
Michael: i had to say the f word? that sucks.
Eye: the weird thing is when the town finds out Scott is a werewolf they don't all FREAK OUT SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. they're like, "weird but if he can help us win the basketball championship with his extrasensory vision..."
Ear Horn: and mad hops. that wolf can smell my butt anytime.
Gladyce: Scott reminds me of my first husband, he was so cute.
Doryce: that's what i need now, Carlos Alcaraz as a werewolf.
"Wolf Fever": the name of a minor FM radio hit by Rick Dees...
basketball team: you're a ball hog!!!
Michael: i'm a wolf not a pig.
dad: you know, son.........the Spider-Man thing, remember it.
Michael: what?
dad: with great power comes great responsibility. it's copyrighted.
Michael: werewolves are superheroes.
Boof: i love YOU, not the wolf. average is sexy. what President are you obsessed with?
Michael: Franklin Delano Roosevelt. we learned about him in high school. Civics class...
Boof: there we are!!! that's the green flag i was after. no red flags here.
Michael: please don't turn NOW.........
vice-principal: bad news, kid, the full moon in Nebraska never goes away.
Michael's dad: all you VICE-principals are powerless power-hungry creeps. you WISH you could do vice things. why you wetting yourself? why you peeing yourself? why you pee your pants?...
vice-principal: too much prom punch.
Michael; dad, i'm gonna win this basketball game as a human.
dad: why?
Michael Jordan: so, take the basketball aspect out of this, the basketball thing was a distraction. let's focus on the story of how Scott handles being a werewolf, that's it. i wish the same thing had been done with Space Jam...
flasher in the stands: was i really a flasher?
Akira Kurosawa: that was NOT a buffalo shot, just white Hanes underwear. no dick. what do you think this is, Harmony Korine?...
Laertus: awww that is sweet tho. Scott, Boof, and Scott's dad in the bleachers as three people hugging together into one new family.
Jen: take notes.
me: i'm happy.
Michael J. Fox: remember that Teen Wolf '80s cartoon intro with me dancing with my Sony Walkman?
Michael J. Fox: you want to know what happened to my mom? my mom, Elyse Keaton, is the reason for this WHOLE Teen Wolf franchise. Teen Wolf wouldn't exist if my mom hadn't got knocked up.
Nick Moore: it was me, i'm Alex P. Keaton's daddy. g'night folks.
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