FAMILY IS HARD: REMISE

 

Dorothy: first rule of Family Club: you have no family. because you shouldn't advertise having a family, you should just KNOW INTERNALLY that you have a family, you know who your real family are, you don't need to mention them, that's tacky.

Dorothy: we need groceries, kid. 4 sets of groceries. 

me: i will only drive a 1997 Integra.

Jen R: those beady little eyes for headlights.

Dorothy: but this is the '80s, kid!!!

Rose: the 1997 Integra, the car in every anime...

Dorothy and Stan are naked together in bed in Sophia's room.

me: now this i can help you with. sex is my specialty. i'm a sexpert.

Dorothy: i fucked Stan so hard his bald head grew hair again.

Stan: i'm not just the president, i'm also a client.

Dorothy: but how do i know if Stan is the one? you know? is Stan my soulmate?

Jen: clue: smoke. not Mortal Kombat, not Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal, cigarette smoke.

me: oh i got it. Dorothy, take my cigarette off my fingers, take a drag, and blow cigarette smoke into Stan's mouth.

Rose: are cigarettes contagious? do cigarettes have germs?

Stan coughs like a jackal with strep throat.

Jen: that proves it, only true couples shotgun smoke into the other's mouth like that.

me: that's sexy.

Dorothy: sharing cancer, thanks.

Angela Merkel: i'd never make a boner like that. i know my way around the basepaths. 

Uncle Sigh the horse: is there LUSH soap for horses?

Angela: 50 Charlie Chaplins running around the brown diamond with their picket-wickets out, spilling out of their tramp 1910 pants. 50 little tramps with no lady.

Papa Smurf, smiling: my voice invades your dreams.

Angela: i don't believe in conspiracies in world affairs but i DO believe in conspiracies in baseball!!!

Jen: cooking Shrinky Dinks. that was such a dank time, Land of the Lost...

Gallagher: that's when i was first told Gabe Kotter was my father.

Banksy: poetry is the best graffiti.

Jen: dollar-fifty theaters. back in the day with senior discount and matinee you could watch a life-changing film like Harold and Maude for a quarter.

Blanche: i want it to feel like home again.

me: i got it. i think. i don't know. but i always go to McDonald's when i'm feeling down.

Jen: bazinga.

me: oh yeah, you can get Sweet Tea at McDonald's.

Blanche: thanks, sugah. yeah, McDonald's has cornered the market on DRINKS for some reason.

Sophia: i want to play fair with Fred Flintstone.

me: this one's gonna be hard to pull off.

Jen: leave it to me. family is hard, remember?

i drive Sophia to the local bowling alley.

me: i never drove in my life!!!

Jen: you look cute with the Water Buffalo hat on your head swallowing you up, Sophia. how was it, granny?

Sophia: i glided across the bowling-alley lanes perpendicular on my tiny granny bare feet, on my tippy twinkling toes, lighter than air, floating on a cloud. it was a magical evening.

Jen: sounds like you slid into history.

Sophia: i also licked Fred Flintstone's hole. fair is fair, he licked my bowling ball's hole.

Dave Grohl: you couldn't have real music until you were 15, when you FINALLY got Nevermind on cassette. me smiling at you in the liner notes...

kid with a donated backpack from Goodwill: remember how i only watched Street Sharks? well that was 3rd Grade, this is 4th Grade now and i'm all into Cadillacs and Dinosaurs. i want to show my classmates what i've been up to this summer. this is important to me, dad.

Harlan Ellison: why are you so hardheaded? this is why i never had kids. when i was your age all i did during summer was watch the Saved by the Bell episodes i missed...

Olympic athlete: Gemini, what clothes should i wear to compete in Breakdancing?

Gemini: does not compute.

Kate Douglass: it takes everyone from your small town to lift you up to Olympic glory. it takes a lot of money, you know? what? i got DISQUALIFIED?!!! oh FUCK no. where does that leave me? and the town? with nothing the rest of my life.

handball goalie: i take it back, you can be successful at this position if you're Vishnu...

icecross: the only Winter Olympic sport that matters.

Ice King from Adventure Time: where are all the icebunnies?

Blanche: my lush cunt is in need of some hard Southern comfort.

Rose: i'd call it more your lavish pussy. my St. Olaf sister on Are You Being Served? has purple hair...

Sophia: your cunt is soft, Blanche. you have a soft cunt. you're soft.

Dorothy: it's a deluxe cunt and that's not a compliment.

Jen: in my dream, Harrison Ford is dragging me by the hair caveman-style. we're both wearing Flintstones clothes despite the fact we're in the middle of the Sahara Desert. but then I realize Harrison's not like this, he's gentle, he's nice.

Harrison Ford: come on, Fancyface.

Jen: see? turns out it wasn't me, he was dragging a cactus...

me: in my dream, the 5-cents Psychiatrist Booth from Snoopy comic strips is real. and Charlie Brown is manning it...

Banner Carpets: Doryce on Thursdays...

Abbot Butt perusing 4AM at his monastery: why can't the world always be THIS SILENCE? early morning and it's oh so quiet.

Minster: before sunrise. before all the nonsense starts up again...

Sam the Olympic Eagle: i'm sorry but the basketball symbol at the Paris Olympics looks like two dicks.

bum: i use the cardboard chardonnay carrying case to make my HUNGRY sign.

Boc: it don't matter if the pitbull is INSIDE the truck...

bum: my dog is Benji from the '80s. i let him wander the patisserie, the people foolishly feed him macaroons while i eat all the macarons.

me: i have one shirt i've worn for 40 years.

Jen: but is it of Poshmark selling quality?

David Bowie: all my shirts are posh. i don't own a T-shirt.

George Orwell: i was the first Vaporwave DJ. i predicted the turntables. i hated Nietzsche. i wore platform boots before goth made them cool. i LIVED  the band Ministry...

Roger Federer at Dartmouth: why am i talking out of a Tolkien tree?...

Julie Patzwald: our new band name is Gothlands...

Cole Hocker: i'm David Spade if he starred in Silk Stalkings. i don't need to hock daddy's gold Hermes statue like Catwoman to win the 1500m.

Catwoman: that's Hermes as in a gold Mercury statue...

Camryn Rogers: i'm next in the gold dress game-show-hosting PBS pasta...

Jen: i got a three-wick candle. Keanu is my spirit animal so it's destined to become a John Wick candle...

Mrs. Talbot: I WAS MAUDE!!!

Jen: right? you drove a big-ass Oldsmobile with a BIG-ASS steering wheel so high we only saw the wheel, you were down below pushing the pedals with your hands.

Mrs. Talbot: my heels weren't sexy, i was already 90 in the '80s...

Mrs. Talbot: i was the Little Old Lady from Pasadena in real life. those strawberry hard candies only found in an old lady's purse. it's still funny when i tell that "playing the organ" joke...

Akira Kurosawa at 7-Eleven: omg this Choi BIG-ASS cup of ramen is so fucking good, the chicken flavor is different, it tastes like '80s chicken, you know?...

Belinda Bencic: everyone fucks their coach, right?

Leslie Sbrocco: Belinda Bencic, can i call you BB? B Squared? BM Double? a student is never supposed to have sex with their teacher, right? no matter what the field of study. i learned tennis the hard way, in the USSR. the perfect wedding gift for this taboo couple? a bench scraper...

me: don't disappear.

Jen: we'll get through life together.

William Shakespeare: that's how we used to rhyme back in the day...

Robert Crumb: remember, everyone in the world is unreliable. best to do your art alone.

Mordecai: we're in that time period JUST BEFORE Adventure Time starts, you know? before the Great Global Cataclysm. so enjoy it while you can. watch as much Regular Show as possible, you'll feel better.

Molly Qerim: i've been working since i was 15. i did NOT get this ESPN job on looks. sports journalism is a real thing.

Stephen A. Smith: but you my friend, aintcha?

Molly: we are not friends.

William Shakespeare: Carrie Fisher is a girl after my own heart.

Carrie Fisher on Blue Peter: watch yourself, Will, i'm gonna be a script doctor when i grow up. 

Shakespeare: shit, my secrets...

Carrie: i'm young. sound. fury. i got many more miles on these tires, go ahead, kick them and see what happens.

Juliet: fuck around and find out.

Barcelona Olympics Torch-flame-arrow archer: I DID IT!!! the fire went in the bowl, where's my Gold Medal?...

Professor Farnsworth: with my Fing-Longer i erase that pinata episode of Futurama from your memory.........it's my pinata bat you see...

me: one more precious Golden Girl to go...