Billy Corgan: i'm making my days shorter. less busy. with less to do. so i'll be able to live my days again. i'm cutting work in two. i'm looking for shortcuts at work. even more shortcuts. i've always wanted to go back to college to complete my degree.
James Iha: what did you study?
Billy: they wouldn't let me into college. they said i had a weird face. this band we're forming is the result of me trying to get back at the establishment.
D'arcy Wretzky: treat me right. by paying me.
the three friends and bandmates walk for days until they make it to the Carnegie Mellon campus. Ted Danson, Judith Light, and Zachary Quinto greet them.
Billy: great it's the fucking welcoming committee. what do you want, handsome man?
Ted Danson: it's weird because in the '80s i had this handsome rough brute-guy image i had to maintain. i had brown hair back then. but now that i've let my hair go grey women see me as SEXIER, i'm a soft silver fox.
Judith Light: i hated my own daughter for never having an awkward phase.
Alyssa Milano: no, i was Tony Danza's daughter, remember?
Judith Light: no, we are a regular family after i married Tony Danza.
Alyssa Milano: college taught me how to be the best witch...
Zachary Quinto: before i enrolled in CM i was an evil supervillain. but after getting my doctor degree from Carnegie Mellon, i started only taking good-guy roles. i'm a doctor who enters his invalid patients' lucid dreams to see what's really wrong. Dream Corp LLC on broadcast TV. Mellon mellowed me.
the trio enter the dorms.
Alan Watts: the silk sheets in these beds are too loud. they make too much noise at night when i'm masturbating. hey you know when you wake up and you have to scratch the itch in the two spaces between your penis in the morning? your high legs?
Billy Corgan: have you changed your pants at all this year, old man? that's not bits of toilet paper coming from your crotch, that's asbestos.
Alan: you should learn to calm yourself, young man. and lose some weight, you're a white whale.
Chloe Mendel as a freshman: that's what i said, Billy is a CATCH. someday...
Alan: listen to the lady, Billy, she's the great-spawn of Gregor who dealt in magic downer herbs.
Chloe: my grand relative was the first man to discover Hello Meteor...
Billy: hey i thought you and me were going steady.
D'arcy in a mushroom tee: we'll see how it goes now that we're in college. relationships fizzle and you write another song. we'll see if you can pick flowers for me on campus. Sir Alan, i've been getting into oracle cards.
Alan: yes, my dear, the fluff of the young. try mushroom tea, it's good for ladies. lady guts. ladies come to me all the time asking me to help with their digestion.
D'arcy: my favorite is the Garbage Pail Kid oracle card.
James Iha: i was thinking of renting housing off-campus but we got iced out, me and this other dude named Jimmy got kicked out. we bonded over the Jimmy thing. three were forming a Three's Company House where the frat caught fire: Michael Landon, Jack Tripper, and Mr. Furley.
Michael Landon: that may be a little house.
Jack Tripper: it's an apartment.
Michael Landon: but that ain't no prairie...
Mr. Furley: do you want to be hot and clean or cold and smelly? your choice.
Greykid: the bacon you're crumbling in front of me looks like Autumn leaves...
tennis players are walking in and out of campus.
Coco Gauff: where are the tennis degrees? everyone wants to know the Cori score. i won, breadsticks. this place has a Parisian cafe, right? my cousin is Dionne Warwick, she taught Alan Watts how to be a medium...
Billy enters his first class. on the football field.
Billy Corgan: is this Professor Pete Carroll? what are we doing here and why aren't we in a classroom? or lecture arena.
Pete Carroll: i teach the Physics of Field-Goal Kicking here. do you what your degree in science?
Billy: despite the fact that i look like a basketball center who's also a linebacker, i was never a jock, i never played sports, that's why i'm an outcast. i was thinking more a degree in music theory. i don't want to learn rocket science, i'm smarter than those guys. i write songs ABOUT rockets to the moon. Polaris Dawn, they STOLE that from me!!! that was gonna be the title of our debut album!!!
Pete: concentrate on being the first civilian in space, William Shatner is an asshole who can't throw.
Bjork running away from the sorority: there is no railroad in Iceland.........except on me...
Rachel Maddow: i'm an animator on the Sailor V anime...
the sweet sound of snoring: everything's gonna be okay.
Deadpool: is there a more perfect pairing than me teaming up with Jack from Jack in the Box?...
McCartney Kessler playing tennis: the name on my birth certificate is Ringo but nobody wanted that.
Capp: who goes all the way to Dublin, Ireland, for an American college football game? that's not Notre Dame.
Jen R: yeah, nobody loves their alma mater THAT MUCH...
Don Riddell: gotta love a British man commentating on American college football...
Christian Slater: only i am cool enough to name my dog Fish.
Cheryl Hines: this is, as Larry David would put it.........pretty pretty awkward...
Steve Blum at anime club: before, i was Blum, Blum bum. then i experienced the dream of every shut-in otaku out there: Motoko Kusanagi fucked me. then i became Steve BLOOM...
Steve Blum: by the way, if you want a project to distract you from the fact that you wasted your life, watch EVERY SINGLE animated Scooby-Doo movie, that will take you the rest of your life...
Cher: snap out of it!!! i won an Oscar for that one line.
Marisa Tomei: my biological clock is ticking!!! i won an Oscar for that one line.
Patrick Dempsey from Can't Buy Me Love: school spirit was a REAL THING in the '80s.
Amanda Peterson: college will be worse than high school...
Fairuza Balk: if only high school was goth school...
Amanda Peterson: never wear white ON Labor Day unless it's severe suede.
nerds: it's weird that you're not weird.
Patrick Dempsey: i am not a nerd...
Wheels from Degrassi High: maybe not have a Columbus Day DANCE...
Amanda Peterson: Nexxus, when there's no more Vidal Sassoon...
Laertus: i felt so HEARTSICK for those nerds.
Amanda Peterson: me, too, that's why i discovered religion later in life...
Dirg: you shoulda stuck with poetry. religion is too big for you. i'm scared to call you babe.
Amanda Peterson: that's rich coming from you.
Dirg: i've never been rich, that's been the problem. i want to be rich so bad, that's my single motivation.
Eye Luggage: that's why i love Laertus and will never like you.
Dirg: damn, woman, harsh much?
Eye: Laertus feels for nerds.
Tony Hawk: i had a mohawk like that.........once.........in 7th Grade...
Amanda Peterson: I wanted a goth mohawk but this wasn't The Craft...
Amanda Peterson: i wanted a Tony Hawk Highway but named after me...
Tony Hawk: you can fly with a skateboard.
Amanda Peterson: all of us in Arizona want to escape. our brick houses are made with red bricks. but the ROOFS are red-brick, too...
Elton John at Safeway: i'm buying some baby cabbages.
Weiland: you didn't want me in Temple of the Dog? fine, i formed Velvet Revolver, the last grunge supergroup.
Billy Corgan: nobody wanted me in their supergroup...
me: i got covid and it freaked me the fuck out, my body had never been attacked like that before, it felt like a giant stone was on top of my lungs.
Gavin Rossdale: how much does Mick Jagger weigh?...
Meryl Streep in hushed tones: don't tell Peter MacNicol this, but i wanted you as the third wheel in Sophie's Choice.
Martin Short: i'm in love with you, Meryl Streep. and not like admiration as a fellow actor, i want to fuck you and suck you.
Peter MacNicol: i'm standing right here.
Meryl: i'm sorry, Peter, but when you're standing you're a foot high.
at the school cafeteria.
girl: are you really a punk?
boy: no way.
girl: did you just say new wave?...
Robin Williams in One Piece: here, take this bat, i abhor violence. i wear this red-and-white-striped Where's Waldo shirt so you can locate me, i surrender.
150 Turks in Monterey: hey, it's more coffee for us.
West Side Festival in Sand City: your only chance to see Banksy paint a giant electric-blue monkey on a wall HERE.
Rigby: NO, SQUIRREL!!! come on, don't go inside the tailpipe of that KITT-car Porsche, go inside that treehole.
Greykid: probably best not to clean the kitty litter RIGHT AFTER your walk...
me: bending on my knees in a squat...
Eliana Ghen: are you ghen of Ghen?
Dirg: yes, i am jealous of you, Vietnamese-wise. i will never understand YouTube culture.
Margravine: the name of our goth band.
Julie Patzwald: being on campus will influence this name later in the week...
aftermath: the newly-discovered math that tragically was used to devise The Bomb...
at a Princeton pub.
dad: cheers, everybody, to Gershkovich, glad you're back, buddy. i don't drink beer but. i'll take a handful of pretzels.
Evan Gershkovich: thanks, everybody, call me Gersh, it's gonna take the rest of my life to get back into life. i'm so blessed and thankful all of you at this bar table are around and surrounding me, watching over me.
Julia Ioffe: we're your friends, Evan, we'll be your safety net.
Michael Weiss: not your spynet.
Pete Sampras at the Opening Ceremony Night One of the U.S. Open: there's always a glamorous singer singing a song here. i, not my actress wife, want to be in that slot here. me in my gold dazzle dress, i will sing a Ween song in front of this crowd.
Banksy: imagine me as an old man...
at the psychiatrist's office.
Dr. Robbins: how can i make you trust me?
me: smoke.
Dr. Robbins: like Freud?
me: no, cigarettes.
Shirley Valentine: so, My Big Fat Greek Wedding?...
Pauline Collins in Shirley Valentine: this is what happens to the Liver Birds in the '80s...
Dirg: i'm not the best, i'm the rest. but you see, i'm what's left...
Joe Jackson: it's not New Wave until it's early-'80s New York New Wave, New York Wave.
Billy Corgan: imagine if i had been from New York City...
Billy Corgan is talking with the manager of a local club.
the manager of the club, Ralph Bakshi: i won't let you have your first gig here unless you get a drummer.
Billy Corgan: we can't just use a drum machine?
Ralph Bakshi: let me guess, you do Cure covers. that sucks, no originality.
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